Virginity and Going Away To College

Parent Cafe
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<p>So what is therapy going to do for me? I don’t need a paid friend to tell me what free friends can – you willl die and nobody will promise it won’t be painful and you just have to “hope for the best” that a doctor will control that (if one is present and if that doctor cares enough, euthanasia is illegal).</p>

<p>A therapist is not a paid friend.
They are trained to help individuals and they don’t have baggage that will interfere with their advice and support. ( optimally)
In my experience, therapists can aid you in seeing with different eyes and guide you toward changes you want to make. They can be a sounding board yes, but more than that, they are objective and far preferable than using your friends for counseling.
I don’t think it is fair to put friends into that role.</p>

<p>*Apparently so are a lot of women’s husbands on the net
*</p>

<p>Not really- and even if they were- that is far from healthy.
Life is too short to “settle” & be unhappy. A therapist can help couples work on a relationship that is much more satisfying for both of them & if both partners aren’t ready to work, a therapist can also help the partner that *is *ready, a great deal.</p>

<p>I admit that therapy can be stressful and difficult. Working on longstanding issues is. But it is analogous to getting a deep tissue massage for an injury.
Scar tissue grows after an injury- but scar tissue has no elasticity & impinges on movement. Breaking down the scar tissue with cross friction massage can be uncomfortable. But afterwards, you have gained mobility & no longer have pain when you use that muscle.</p>

<p>Therapy can be very difficult when you have to look at repetive patterns that may be hurting yourself and others. However- acknowledging their existence is the first step towards dealing with them and making new , healthier ways of acting.</p>

<p>Everyone goes to therapy- it really isn’t something to be ashamed of or worry about anymore.
But the old saw is true. The ones who * really* need therapy, are often the last ones who would seek it.</p>

<p>Ive found the most effective therapists to be MSWs, although in some cases, medication can help you get to a place where the cognitive therapy can work. even if your DR recommends medication- that doesn’t mean that you will be on it forever.</p>

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<p>“I came here, flaws and all, for advice on how to deal with my child’s concerns.”</p>

<p>That is a wonderful goal. There we people who would really enjoy, in fact thrive on helping you with this. Just not here. That was the true feeling behind my initial post.</p>

<p>What the heck is so addictive about forums??</p>

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<p>

I would hardly equate having sex with stealing or snorting cocaine.</p>

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<p>* I would hardly equate having sex with stealing or snorting cocaine.*</p>

<p>Well I wouldn’t either- but I took it to mean

  • Things you really don’t want your kids to do in high school*</p>

<p>Some of those things are better left till you are an adult ;)</p>

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<p>OP: I am so sorry about the many heartbreaking events described in your post #152.</p>

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<p>OP: You seem pretty angry. Your long post makes me even more sure that professional help is needed. I did not mean to demean you or your family by that suggestion. At various times I have had professionals talk to both my kids for short term issues, and I am glad I did.</p>

<p>You don’t have to take this advice, but I can assure you it was given with all the consideration the situation would have gotten if it were happening in my own family.</p>

<p>To many of us the situations and feelings you describe just seem too far from the norm to have a simple solution. If you don’t agree, that’s your prerogative.</p>

<p>I am not saying your daughter needs to have sex to be normal or that she isn’t normal, just that the experiences you detail have created some confusing and seemingly overwhelming feelings that are impacting her current life.</p>

<p>I really do wish you both well.</p>

<p>And I am very proud of my children, too.</p>

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<p>Dukie, I wouldn’t sacrifice my child for anything. I am not convinced that therapy helps people. Case in point. When I was a single mom struggling to get through a very rigorous college program with no family support, I decided to go to therapy to get help dealing with it. My child was only 2, and I had to bring her with me because I lacked childcare. The therapist saw me a few times, I enjoyed the therapy, and then she said “You cannot bring your child anymore”. Hello! I just told you that I am here because I need help coping with the lack of support system raising my child while going to school, and you want to make therapy inaccessible? Next appointment, I tried to get childcare and couldn’t. Rather than cancel, I brought her, the therapist refused to see me, and I left in tears, never to return. I’m sorry, but that was a betrayal to me, as well as to others who I shared this with. For the record though, she did do me one favor, she affirmed for me that my father was nuts.</p>

<p>I know of a woman who was denied a professional license because she had suffered from depression. I am sorry, but that is bull. She managed undergraduate and doctoral school and then could not practice. I am sure that she is not thankful for the “help”. Therapy helped her right into poverty!</p>

<p>But if my child desired therapy, I’d take her anonymously and pay cash if necessary to preserve her privacy. But she does not want it. And let’s face it, she seems to have it more together than I ever did. Or anyone else in her family.</p>

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<p>My brother-in-law is a counselor locally at a prominent agency where the Courts send people, but they also take private pay. He said that every client is diagnosed with something at the first visit. Keeps the money rolling in. Sick, isn’t it?</p>

<p>I also know a DSS worker who effectively got a man’s parental rights terminated because he had ADHD. I actually said to him “Do you think that is right? Do you know how many people are diagnosed with learning/attention disabilities? Would you take all of their kids?” And he said “Yes, if I had my way, I’d take them all. I don’t believe that those people should have kids.” I wanted to take a shower after that conversation.</p>

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<p>*Let me pose this. I am afraid to die. *</p>

<p>After reading your post #152 more closely- I would be more concerned that you are afraid to live- understandably given your past- but again- life is too short to live that way.</p>

<p>I was sexually assaulted when I was in junior high- raped as a young woman- raised by parents who had their own quite severe problems.</p>

<p>I know what it is like to have bad experiences- but while it might take some effort to find a therapist that you can relate to- that step can make all the difference in the world.
It is also very empowering to admit that you need help- and to get it.</p>

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<p>I am not at all offended by the kind suggestions of therapy. Despite my experience with it, I realize that it is helpful for many, and I don’t rule it out as a possibility. I did not like the “I’m shuddering” and “shivering” and “red flag” and “why do you care about her virginity” comments, as if I’m Norman Bate’s mom!</p>

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<p>Whatapainthisis:</p>

<p>You shouldn’t get mad at people for posting their opinions. If you didn’t want an opinion, then you shouldn’t of posted this thread.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t want a child in the room if I was a therapist. There are too many distractions. It was your choice to have the baby, so deal with it.</p>

<p>I think both of you have serious problems. The comments I have read from you are astonishing.</p>

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<p>I agree insomniatic
There were a couple times when we were in couples therapy, that we had to take our young daughter with us- there was lots of hostility issues with her grandparents who would say that they would watch her, but then they wouldn’t be home at the prearranged time. ( one of the things that was too big to work on)</p>

<p>But for that to be a weekly thing- that is really too big of a distraction- to be committed to therapy- is to give yourself the attention- and realize that even though it is inconvienent to find child care- if you don’t take care of yourself- you can’t take care of your child.</p>

<p>Like what they tell us at take off. If the oxygen masks drop, you have to use it before your child, otherwise neither one of you will make it.</p>

<p>I know that is hard- many women ( and men) have certainly been given the message that they must be selfless and undemanding. But one thing that gave me motivation to effect change in my life, was the knowledge that kids see our actions more vividly than they remember our words.</p>

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<p>ADad, thank you for your post. </p>

<p>Insomniatic, I don’t get mad a people for opinions. I respect constructive and objective opinions. I just don’t think it is even polite or helpful to post the “shuddering” and “red flags” posts as if I am a mental patient and that the poster is talking to someone other than me. Read them, and you will see my point. </p>

<p>And who doesn’t have serious problems? I mean, really. That’s what these boards are for? Or does everyone just come here and post stellar stats for a pat on the back (which would signify to me a serious problem)?</p>

<p>I understand that a child in the room may not be convenient to a therapist, but the therapist is to be there for me, not the other way around. And how the hell good is that therapist if he/she cannot deal with the problem posed by the therapist – lack of child care! </p>

<p>This kind of reminds me of how there used to be a time when you could get home visits by a doctor. Because you are sick and should be in bed! But not today. I have to drag my sick self out to the car, drive myself to a waiting room, sit for hours, and then likely be sent somewhere else for tests. Unless you are sick enough to deserve an ambulance.</p>

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<p>The world has some nice things in it too :)</p>

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<p>I’m sorry, but some people blow my mind. The people in the world who most need it can’t get it because it makes the ones who are supposed to give it uncomfortable. </p>

<p>You know, it makes me think of our modern doctors here who have been trained here. I can just see a U.S. doctor going over to Africa and being confronted with leprosy – “Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t deal with that! I’m not used to working with this!”</p>

<p>Or I love this one. I go to the store, the cash register messes up, and the cashier is dumbfounded. “Oh geez, what do I do? It won’t make change for me!” Please. When I was a cashier, I had to type in all of the prices, know the prices of the stuff without labels, and make change if the machine broke down! </p>

<p>One time my glasses broke on the way to an interview, and I literally stripped copper wire and rigged up my glasses so that I’d make it there! You deal with what is presented. A real therapist should be there to help that person. And if that person says “I have no childcare, and I need advice on how to deal with it while going to school”, you don’t tell them that they have to solve their own problem, you can’t help them!</p>

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<p>Wow, I sure know how to get a dialogue going. My daughter always imitates me yakking saying “Blah, blah, blah” and flaps her hand like a mouth opening and closing.</p>

<p>You know what makes me laugh and shake my head? Everyone in my life expects me to rescue them, fight for them, and solve their problems. If arguing is required, I am expected to do it. I actually think that I am the designated guardian for all of the kids in my family, even if their parents have never helped me! If I were to drop dead today, I don’t think any of them would look out for my kids.</p>

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<p>“You know what makes me laugh about some of these posts? Everyone in my life expects me to rescue them, fight for them, and solve their problems. I actually think that I am the designated guardian for all of the kids in my family, even if their parents have never helped me!”</p>

<p>You should help out your children as much as you can. I think you just feel that just because your parents never helped you, then you shouldn’t help your own children.</p>

<p>That is what wrong with people today. If it wasn’t given to them, they can’t give it to other people.</p>

<p>You also mention that a therapist should be there for you. </p>

<p>A professor should also be there for you (you are paying his/her’s salary). So it is ok for everyone to bring their children into the classroom?</p>

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<p>I would hope that a therapist/advisor/friend or someone (support group maybe?)could help your daughter to be able to find or attract a different type of male than has been the norm in your situation. Isn’t that part of what you are worried about here? I think you want to help her break the pattern in your family of falling for abusive problematic men, yes?</p>

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<p>to the op, not joking at all. It wasn’t your daugther I suggested theraphy for. It’s you. </p>

<p>Whether you realize it or not, everything that’s happened to you is being piled on your daughter, knowingly or unknowingly. You need the help, first. As I read your posts, I am thinking that the issues you have need to be resloved so you can move on. You can’t help your daughter till you help yourself.</p>

<p>Maybe you just are feeling blue at the momment, maybe you feel this way all the time, but seek out somebody for help. Don’t decide al therapists are like the one you had previously and will treat you the same. </p>

<p>Yes, the world has pooped on you several times over and over, but why continue to lay down in it? </p>

<p>If you’re worried about no afterlife, better make good on this life then…</p>

<p>I know I am going to die sooner than I should as my health is bad. Everyday for the last five years I’ve known this. You can’t take the medications I do everyday and plan on what you’re going to do in your 80’s. So I’d better make sure the time I spend is good time… </p>

<p>anyway, seek help. I know you love your Daughter but in the same token with all the stuff going on in your head, how can the real you be there for her?</p>

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<p>when I was 16, my mom took me to a therapist…I was probablly depressed…anyway…I went about 5 times…after my first visit, the therapist said WOW< it is amazing with all that in your life, you are doing so WELL!!!</p>

<p>Part of our work was to let go of that which I had no control over- my parent’s divorce, moving agaiin and again, etc…and to focus on what I had control over</p>

<p>And what I had control over was my CHOICES in life…who I choice to interact with, what kinds of men I was attracted to, not being afraid of telling the truth, fear of rejection, icky feelings toward my stepfather</p>

<p>And how I responded to something bad in my life</p>

<p>What I saw was that my mom was an enabler with my step father, that my mom had little respect for herself…and that is part of the reason she CHOICE bad men</p>

<p>Yes, horrible things happen to people- and it can either break you down or make you stronger- that is your CHOICE</p>

<p>One can CHOOOS to live a fearful angry life, or one can go- I have a roof over my head, I have healthy kids, and food.</p>

<p>One can CHOOSE to rescue everyone around them, even when those people have CHOSEN to mess up their lives</p>

<p>My Hs family has issues with each other…I choose not to pick sides, or get involved…and am much happier without that drama in my life</p>

<p>I never knew my father, he was not around and was an alocholic, etc…people ask me if I missed him, or whatever…and I can honeslty say no, I let go of him and any expectations I had about him a long time ago</p>

<p>Sure its kind of sad we have no grandpas in our lives, but we DO have lots of other good people</p>

<p>I am all for helping people, helping them work with the myriad of awful events in their lives, but at some point people need to see what choices they have made to get where they are, and what circumstances have been thrust upon them</p>

<p>Only then, learning what you can control, what is worth being angry and bitter about, and learning to see that there can be joy and happiness in life</p>

<p>My theraopy was short, but it was all that I needed- I could talk about my mom and dad, I could share about myself and I got some real tools to move forward</p>