<p>Thanks for all the words that are convincing me I’m not just a cranky cheapskate. I feel a bit uncomfortable not replying at all because I see the mom periodically and she is sure to ask whether I got her daughter’s request. She’s a bit socially inept, and will likely be pushy without even realizing it’s offensive. I don’t want to suggest I can’t afford to help, because that’s not the case. So it strikes me that a nominal donation (I’m thinking $20) is the most painless approach. If anyone can think of a way to politely and inoffensively say “no” that doesn’t involve a phony plea of poverty, I’d like to hear it. I’d really love to be able to advise mother and daughter about how ill-conceived their approach is before they pursue it any further, but I know that’s not feasible. (Actually, I wish I could respond by forwarding this entire thread to both mother and daughter–lots of good advice here.) </p>
<p>As for my own D, she is not planning a theater career, but if she were, she wouldn’t dream of begging for funds, nor would I supply the contact info for such an effort. She was as appalled as I was when I read her the email. </p>
<p>I see a very personal request for career funding as completely different from the usual spate of impersonal charitable requests–I think that’s what has everyone so “hot and bothered”, emeraldkity4.</p>
<p>soozievt, I agree that this whole endeavor is a crazy crapshoot for the girl and her friends. But even if she were clearly the next Meryl Streep, I’d feel the same way about her request.</p>
<p>One of my kids is in a high level competitive sport which requires travel and club fees. I wouldn’t think of asking my friends or family to subsidize it - even when times are tough for my family. We will either find a way to raise the funds for our child or not do it. </p>
<p>Last year, we received an email just like this where we were asked to subsidize a young child’s club soccer expenses. Dad had been out of work for a long time and the house was in foreclosure. The son was 8. </p>
<p>I had to think that this was one of the most ill-conceived fundraising letters, because the child being so young could easily have been on the local soccer team and been just fine. He could skip this year or the next and still be very competitive for high school, but it was about prestige.</p>
<p>Here is how I see it. As ill thought out as the effort was, if I were in a better financial situation than the family of the girl, and it sounds as though the OP may be, then I would have no problem helping out a bit. The mention of foregoing a dinner out or a movie is their way of saying that they’re not expecting $100 checks from everyone. I think $20 is great. You probably truly are helping out a very hard working group of young people. Most theater kids do work very hard for, very often, little reward. Who knows - maybe she’ll make it big and you can, legitimately, have a good “I knew her when” story. It is taking the high road and most people feel better about it.</p>
<p>I would not donate if I did not want to. No need to plead poverty. A simple response along the lines of “I am unable to contribute but I wish you the very best of luck in your endeavors”. You don’t have to give a reason why.</p>
<p>My husband had a client’s son include us in a smallish group of people that he hit up to help finance his senior movie project. The son’s letter “suggested” a fairly substantial donation amount. The boy was in a very good program but I am sorry, his solicitation was totally out of line. </p>
<p>I can’t tell you how annoyed I was - I almost felt blackmailed. Of course my husband had to donate. How do you say no to the son of a big client? The father is a nice guy and is incredibly proud of his son. I think he honestly believes that everyone will feel it is a privilege to contribute to his son’s artistic future. </p>
<p>My daughter is a medical student and will be doing research in Africa this summer. She wrote up a grant proposal and received funding. If the grant had not come through I would have been mortified if she had hit up family, friends or business associates to finance the trip. It is not her usual style but if that idea had even crossed her mind it would have been shot down by me immediately.</p>
<p>Hunt, the kid might garner money by this approach but also it appears she will garner ill will. </p>
<p>Elleneast…my older D (not the theater one) is doing research in her field this summer in Zurich and she also applied for a grant from a foundation to fund her summer and won the grant. Otherwise, she would not be going. I don’t fund her summers or work experiences (she is also in grad school) and don’t expect family or friends to fund these endeavors either.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that the OP and others are offended by the request. If you don’t want to contribute, just pitch the thing. What harm is it to you that someone is asking? I get so many requests all of the time, am not offended in the least unless the request itself is offensive. Doesn’t mean I contribute to them, which I generally don’t because of our budget. But I don’t mind them asking. Just like phone solicitors and others looking for money. I just say no.</p>
<p>I’m with cpt…what harm is there in this person asking for a contribution for an arts endeavor that is not otherwise funded? If you don’t want to contribute…just don’t. I get these things ALL THE TIME…for all sorts of non-profit ventures…Relay for Life, Walk for Autism, various theater and music groups, etc. If I feel like contributing, I do…if not…I hit the delete button. I just don’t think this is worth complaining about.</p>
<p>VERY out of line, IMHO. I feel the same way when our local sports teams “beg” outside of the supermarket to fund their whatevers. We live in a NJ town where the average home is worth close to a million dollars. If they were providing some service to me, I would MAYBE think about contributing, but these are the kids who go to the finest sleep-away camps and teen tours of Europe in the summer, not to mention the ski trips on winter break and the island vacations in April. They could be out washing cars or mowing lawns or SOMETHING. But that might take effort. Far easier to ask for everything. And yes, my kids swam for the high school. I paid for everything they needed in the way of suits, goggles and the transportation to the meets. I wish that some veteran had been out selling poppies last week. It was the first Memorial Day that no one did. The guys deserve support!</p>
<p>thumper, I get phone and other solicitations all the time too and while they are annoying, and I ignore them, they are not the same as a private individual asking you to donate for their activity or career endeavor.</p>
<p>My daughter has performed solo many times this year in NYC and has spent her own money on the expenses involved. She would not ask friends to fund this. She asks for them to attend and support her events if possible. She is also cutting a record which will cost her money and she is not hitting up friends to help her with that which is meant to further her career as well. She may tell them about the album once it is recorded and hope that they want to buy it but then they get something for the money. She doesn’t ask friends for money to fund projects she is undertaking to further her career though. These projects do cost money and I have not funded them either.</p>
<p>Also, last summer, my D staged her own original musical that she wrote/composed and performed in, and she laid out all the expenses involved, and it was put on at a well known venue in NYC and she recouped her expenses (which included paying all the musicians), through sold out ticket sales. Never hit anyone up for money, including us.</p>
<p>I see a very personal request for career funding as completely different from the usual spate of impersonal charitable requests–I think that’s what has everyone so “hot and bothered”, emeraldkity4.</p>
<p>I didn’t get that from the original post- so instead of an explanatory email casting a net for possible donations- you received a personal request targeting you specifically complete with references and reminders of how deep your pockets are and how needy she is?
Well that - would be very annoying and I would take offense at that- or least let them know that it was a little in your face.</p>
<p>emeraldkity, perhaps there is some confusion if people do not know what a showcase is…it is not nearly in the category of “charitable requests.” I can’t think of something off the top of my head to equate this to…but a showcase for a young actor is typically not organized by the actors themselves for one thing, but in any case, is meant to invite agents to see their “samples” (monologues if straight acting, and songs if a musical theater actor), with the hopes that the agents will offer to represent them. They may also invite casting directors. In other career fields, you send out resumes. An actor who wants to secure an agent, can send out headshots and resumes, but also aims for exposure to agents in other ways, such as through a showcase. Many college theater programs have a senior showcase for their seniors to showcase them to agents and industry people. The OP’s “friend” sounds as if she went to a school without a showcase and is trying to organize her own with the hopes of getting the industry to come and hopefully getting offers from agents. Thought I would explain for those unfamiliar with a showcase.</p>
<p>I guess you all have not had kids in Catholic school. It’s ask, ask, ask, ask. Shameless. So I have gotten thick skinned about all of the requests. Every other year, I work on fundraisers and hit up everyone I know for children’s cancer organizations, specifically for neuroblastoma research. I take a year off after my efforts because it seems as though it’s all I’m doing after a year of this, and I want some time between requests. </p>
<p>With 5 kids I get requests all of the time and invitations all of the time for folks I don’teven remember but I don’t begrudge them the invite. Let 'em ask. </p>
<p>I do draw the line in asking husband’s employees, clients and vendors. In the sort of business he does, it could look like extortion even though it is not. I only track the contributions so as not to bug people too often or for too much, and H doesn’t bother with any of this, but people may not know that. I don’t want anyone to think they HAVE to give.</p>
<p>And Soozievt, if your daughter had sent me an invite for her event, I would have gone if I had the time free to do so. Would have loved to have gone. Wouldn’t have sent money for her to put it on, but wouldn’t have been upset in the least at the request. I get asked for things all of the time, and just don’t give when I don’t want to.</p>
<p>I never buy the cub/boy scouts overpriced popcorn, nor would I sell it when my kids were in scouts, but I do love some of those girl scout cookies, and even seek the sellers out these days so I get my annual fix. My mother misses those girl scout calendars that she bought each year from them. So ask away here. No guarantee you’ll get a dime from me, but I’ll read your request with a smile.</p>
<p>I just want to chime in here that it’s probably not a very good investment and that this girl and her friends would be much better off producing an actual show…</p>
<p>My daughter, who performs in many shows, but chose a different major in college just because she gets enough performing and studies with a professional theater company over the summers, is regularly invited to be in showcases and has an agent and I think these kinds of things “take care of themselves” when it is clearly a possible career path. So, to have to put on your own showcase is not the best “sign” in terms of viability, regardless of major.</p>
<p>The requests that I question are those where the money will ultimately be for personal use whether it be a self-promoting showcase or a personal growth trip to India - and I am talking from non-family members. The many, many requests to support the thousands of noble non-profits out there are a totally different thing. I suspect most of us on CC have an affiliation with the American Cancer Society or the like. We ask our friends to support that organization. When those requests come in I either read them or delete them…no harm done. I feel a little differently about being asked for money to fund a showcase (that is not a fundraiser for some other organization) or a personal growth trip. </p>
<p>Unlike the OP, who I think is pretty reasonable, I think I CAN officially be called a curmudgeon. What I hate the most are requests from the kids of friends to be given yet another Cutco knife demonstration. Arrgggh!</p>
<p>cptofthehouse…I just see a clear difference between asking for money for something personal like this OP story, than giving to the many fundraisers that we give to in the community such as if the Boy Scouts are selling raffles or the prom committee is holding a car wash, or someone is raising money for the Cancer Society. These are non-profit organizations, not someone’s personal trip, activity, project. Further, many of the community organization type fundraisers don’t just ask for money but give something in return…a community dinner, raffle prizes, a product, or a service. </p>
<p>I’d much prefer to help the students in the OP’s friend situation, if say, they hold a fundraiser event and I attend the event. For example, the students in the OP’s story could have put on a cabaret at their college and raised money from ticket sales to help fund their showcase in NYC.</p>
<p>Soozievt: your daughter did exactly what I was suggest the OP ask the person to do. Your daughter created a business plan and put on a production that was a successful business. The theater student should understand the difference between begging for money and asking for investors–they’re not the same thing, as I thought I pointed out.</p>