<p>“Why is it that our generation has become the “Helicopter Parent” generation when we were, by and large, NOT raised that way? How did the tide turn?”</p>
<p>I love that question. I decided that I would be more involved in my kids lives than my father was in mine. I didn’t ask anybody this or study this…or look at surveys. </p>
<p>The next thing I know…millions of dads near my age made the same decision…
How did that happen?</p>
<p>A friend of mine is working with a major beer company. Beer sales are down with the younger crowd, but hard liquor sales are through the roof. The younger people want to get drunk and they want to get drunk
fast. I think this is a big difference between now and 30 to 40 years ago. Now people are drunk before they go to a party.</p>
<p>Young People are drinking vodka like it is water. Some people are going to have some major organ damage when they get older.</p>
<p>I am not talking about being “more involved in your kids lives” than your parents were, I’m talking about Helicoptering, unhealthy involvement in kids’ lives which impacts their ability to handle problems, to own their behavior and consequences of same, to become healthy, independent, and proud of their accomplishments.</p>
<p>mini, we have social host laws in Massachusetts. Parents have gone to jail for hosting parties in which juveniles were drinking at their home. The DA came to a high school parent meeting and gave a talk about it.</p>
<p>I think the original point of the thread was parents who refuse to allow their kid to suffer ANY consequences, no matter how well deserved. </p>
<p>Similarly, there are parents who refuse to allow their kid to bear any responsibility for their choices.
A few months ago there was a story here about parents who were suing the chaperones of a school trip to Europe. On the last night of the trip, the chaperones went around to be sure everyone was in their rooms, then went to bed. A bunch of the kids snuck out and met up with kids from another high school and had a drinking party. After getting drunk, 2 girls went into a room with a boy from the other high school. One of the girls was apparently raped. The victim’s parents are suing the chaperones for not preventing their 16 year old from sneaking out of her room, getting drunk, and going into the boy’s room. They say the chaperones should have done more to keep the kids from sneaking out. What about the kids knowing better than to sneak out and get drunk? What about teaching your kid to follow the rules? I understand they are rightfully upset and angry at the boy who did this, but to sue the chaperones for failure to prevent their daughter from doing something she KNEW to be wrong?
<a href=“http://articles.boston.com/2011-08-22/news/29915478_1_vermont-student-male-student-europe-trip[/url]”>http://articles.boston.com/2011-08-22/news/29915478_1_vermont-student-male-student-europe-trip</a></p>
<p>I have been the parent chaperone on a trip where the people in charge put tape on the kids’ doors. Of course, it would only let you know someone got out; it would not prevent it from happening. </p>
<p>The trip my daughter took with her school to Germany involved staying in a youth hostel that was situated near the red light district in one city. At least one young man purchased services. It is really hard to keep track of kids who do not want to cooperate.</p>
<p>I, too, agree that to some extent we have infantilized children right at an age where they are truly gray…neither children nor quite adults while we have created laws that are black and white. In our area 17 year olds are treated as adults as far as alcohol is concerned and some do go to jail and yes the consequences sans attorney stay with them. The cops are not benevolent, however my kids who work in restaurants with bars will tell you the law enforcement personnel will sit and drink and then get in their cars and drive home sometimes when they shouldn’t…it’s a small enough place that the cops are well known. My kids know the bitter irony better than most. If you grill my kids you will find that they have developed an intolerance or distaste for bankers, lawyers and police. So sad. I hope I live to see what this generation of kids will do as they age and I don’t blame them one bit if they choose to change things. I’m still scratching my head wondering how we got here.</p>
<p>When did we become a helicopter society–when athletes started signing enormous contracts to play sports. Parents saw that as a way for their child to get rich and started pushing them into organized sports at age 3. They had these high hopes of their kids getting these “free rides” to college and making millions playing their sport professionally. That has carried over into the classroom and in life in general because we all know if your child is caught pushing a kid down on the playground in 2nd grade, his hopes of getting that elusive scholarship for college is gone (sarcasm). Parents then feel the need to micromanage everything so they don’t blow their chance to get that scholarship or get into “the best” college ever. The helicopters I know actually think it is a reflection on their parenting skills if a child graduates at the top of their class (or worse, doesn’t graduate at the top of their class). Everyone wants the “best” for their child but often the helicopters want what they think their friends will think is the best for their child.</p>
<p>MD Mom–I say that if you expect kids to misbehave, they will. Our kids have gone on numerous trips for school with various organizations and they have never resorted to putting tape on the doors. They kids are told what is expected of them and that they have earned the right to take those trips. If you step out of line, you are made an example of and that pretty much keeps the kids in line. About once every 4 years, one kid tries to push that, their parents are called to come pick up that child at the closest police station. The program supervisors (teachers, coaches, etc.) drop the child off at the police station, explain the situation and leave. Parents are notified of this policy and have to sign a waiver agreeing to it. If they don’t, the child stays home.</p>
<p>I think a larger part of the sports emphasis is kids/parents viewing it as necessary/helpful for college admission. When I was a kid, living in one of the best school districts in suburban NY (virtually all kids went to college, many elite schools), most of the kids did not do sports. There were no sports for girls, and most of the players on the football team and the cheerleaders were from the few kids not going to college. Yes, some kids did Eagle Scout, worked on political campaigns and volunteer work, but far more did babysitting and lawn mowing. The valedictorian, who went to Middlebury, cleaned houses in the afternoon. And her parents were not poor.</p>
<p>kayf–I don’t think that when a parent pushes a kid into organized sports at age 3 they are thinking of it being an extra credit for college admissions vs being what they will go to college for. That’s not to say that kids that are playing rec soccer at age 3 for fun while the mom’s sit on the sidelines that chat is a bad thing. I’m talking about the kid who’s parent is the one screaming on the sidelines at that 3 year old…</p>
<p>Steve, I think you are naive. I remember being pregnant, and my husband (at that time) dragging me to an alumni meeting where the admissions dean was speaking. I said, I dont know anyone going. At one point, someone asked what preference would be given to alumni children, my husband whispered to me, we can leave after this answer.</p>
<p>kayf–I don’t think I am naive. I think probably the opposite is true. Your experience with being in an area where kids don’t participate in sports is the exception rather than the norm. For places outside of NYC, sports are a huge focus and the helicopter parents are not thinking that the child is going to get academic scholarships because they are involved in EC’s. They are thinking that their child is going to get the big “full ride” DI scholarship. Again, this is the hypersports parents, not your normal parents :). People that live in areas where most kids do play sports can pick out that one family on their kids’ team that are like this and understand what I am saying.</p>
<p>I say it is because we no longer have disposable children. Of course this is a bit over dramatic but there is some truth to this. We have downsized our families to the point that we are scared to lose or injury our children. We have put all of our eggs into one basket and we are frigthen that it will break and leave us nothing. I am one of six kids. My mom didn’t even care if we came home for meals. We were let go to visit other neighborhoods by foot alone along major roads. Played in the woods all the time. I am so scared to let my kids play in my front yard. I have to leave the door open when I am cooking dinner to make sure I see them. I put them into activities and I wait by the sidelines to make sure no one gets hurt or upset. I have spent countless hours of my life doing this. There were atleast a half dozen times my parents just left me somewhere and didn’t come to pick me up when it was time. When I was in high school, I had to walk over 5 miles home when I missed the activity bus. I had to do this many times because my activity would run late. </p>
<p>When we were kids most of our parents were just getting by because of the number of children they had. Even though they may not have been poor, they didn’t have the money for the extras to give to us. We had to go out and earn these extras or we didn’t have them. Most of us grew up and wanted all those finer things in life that we thought everyone else had because we saw it on TV. Remember the Bradys had lots of toys, nice home, Hawaii trip and even a housekeeper. We wanted it all and we knew the only way we would get it is to keep the number of children we had low. Also, most of use waited longer to have our children. We were not going to be the kids raising kids. We finished our education and then started careers before we even thought of getting married and having kids. We were going to do it right and give our kids every opportunity we never had. </p>
<p>This leaves us with very entitled children. I think this is a reflection on us parents more than the kids. I try to tell my kids how blessed they are to be living the life they live. They just don’t get it because they don’t understand what it is like to live on the other side of the tracks. Unfortunately, I can not show them the other side of the tracks unless I want to risk life and limb going into some of the communties. After all I only got 3 eggs, I can not afford to lose any of them.</p>
<p>Do any of you ever think that what happened on 9/11 effected our lives as parents and our anxiety level? I wonder about that, sometimes.</p>
<p>I remember when my 17 year old was in fourth grade, she had a teacher who just wouldn’t stop talking about 9/11 and what happened (this was a few years after it happened.) One morning I noticed my daughter was soooo tired. When I asked her why, she said she couldn’t sleep because she could sometimes hear airplanes in the distance.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s an explanation, but we are so much more anxious as parents, I think, than our parents were, and it’s not just sports, imho.</p>
<p>My twins are post 911 and yes it has had an affect on how I raise my kids. They were born Septemeber 9. I was have an all out with the doctors when I scheduled my c-section not to schedule me for 9/11 or Friday the 13th.</p>
<p>My oldest still remembers that day. We are in the DC area. I was working right outside of DC and I will never forget what I saw. FBI agents in full gear. I worked at a company that never let us go home early. We went home early that day. </p>
<p>It doesn’t help that the DC sniper was just the next year. My babies were 3 weeks old at the time and I was scared to death to get gas. My older dd didn’t have outdoor recess for a long time.</p>
<p>I agree with those who find that we, the parents, are more at fault for our children’s attitudes than they are. It’s parental permissiveness run rampant – simple as that.</p>
<p>Some years ago, at our child’s very well-known boarding school one parent’s week-end we all gathered in an auditorium to hear a so-called ‘expert’ talk on why our kids sometimes make such poor decisions regarding their own well-being. The ‘expert’, whose name I don’t recall said it was due to their incompletely developed brains. We parents took this all in with relief, if not pleasure, for it reassured us that it was neither our kids’ fault for not ‘thinking better’, nor was it ours for not instilling in them a more sensible approach to life.</p>
<p>That the 'expert’s advice was hogwash was never voiced by any parent in the assembly. But, seriously, we have all been teenagers, and we all know that there were those (even ourselves) in our day who crossed the line by doing outrageously stupid things, yet there were also others (maybe many others) who were level-headed and smart about how they acted in society. Were their brains not fully formed? If they weren’t, then what was it that kept the greater part of them out of harm’s way – where today it would appear that the majority are IN harm’s way. Does it not have something to do with how we were parented?</p>
<p>Is today’s in-your-face behavior due to an incomprehesion of the expectations of society – something that parents have a duty to instill? Didn’t yesterday’s teens hide their inappropriate deeds because they were aware of such expectations, whereas today’s may not even know they exist?!</p>
<p>leanid-I think you are on to something but I don’t think that it is because kids don’t know societal expectations exist, I think they know that they can get away with more because their parent will believe them over someone else; “my child would never do that” mentality. Also, when we were kids, if you were up to no good and the neighbor down the street saw you, you KNEW your parents would know about it before you got home and you knew you were going to catch heck at home. Today, people wouldn’t even begin to get involved and that neighbor has moved from being a great little old lady watching out for the neighbor kids to the nosy old bitty who should mind her own business.</p>
<p>I think this is a YMMV dependent on socio-economic status, individual parental experiences, and family culture. </p>
<p>Within my own family, all of my grandparents, great-aunts/uncles, and parents as little kids experienced not only privation on a level only imaginable in the US during the Great Depression(took place at or slightly afterwards), but also military invasion and what most Americans know as WWII. </p>
<p>In my extended family, some of the aunts/uncles compensated by helicoptering some of their kids(especially boys) long before “helicopter parenting” became the norm. </p>
<p>Cue the older male cousin who was favored over 2 female siblings despite almost flunking out of college for majoring in partying/alcohol in the '80s while his siblings excelled and graduated from T-20 university/Big 10 state honors program. </p>
<p>In contrast, other aunts/uncles were more like my parents where they were almost the opposite of “helicopter parents” and allowed us near-total freedom regarding supervision and how we spent our free time so long as we finished our chores and/or worked after-school jobs to contribute to family expenses. </p>
<p>Admittedly, my father was on the extreme end of this as he was effectively on his own since 12 and felt I was a “late bloomer” for not having lived out on my own until I packed up and went away to college at 17. That…and he came from an era and society when mandatory military service was still expected from young males aged 18-26. </p>
<p>Not only did I have no adjustment issues to living away from parents and dealing with day-to-day issues myself…I actually took to it like a fish to water. Mom did worry a little…but both parents were of the mind that once someone is old enough to graduate high school, they should be accorded the same treatment one renders to other adults…including not treating them like helpless children.</p>
<p>Well, we all work now, so I don’t know what “neighbors down the street” would be watching out for my kids. The things my parents let me do were way more “permissive” than any of the things my kids have done, ever. They had no idea where we were, and the laws are way more stringent now than they were when we were kids, honestly.</p>
<p>My kids haven’t been in trouble, and they’ve pretty much done every thing the “right” way, knock on wood, but I’m not going to take all the credit for that. They’ve been busy with those sports and other extra curriculars, AND we kept no alcohol in our home, which probably helped. they don’t see it as something to just “do.”</p>
<p>But, I"m no fool. I know they’ve done their own fair share of “stuff,” and with a 21 year old, I just feel blessed she made it to adulthood. But, I’ve seen plenty of kids with plenty of really decent, responsible parents go off the rails, and not becuase they did something we wouldn’t have done when we were kids, but because the punishment was so extreme, they couldn’t just “move past it,” and learn their lesson.</p>
<p>zero tolerance is dangerous. And it could happen to anyone’s kid. Kid’s slip up. ALL kids slip up at times.</p>