<p>NorthMinnesota,</p>
<p>Yes, it’s done often. Not everyone can afford all the fanfare. It’s not new.</p>
<p>We’ve been invited to a wedding in a major east coast city. The bride is the daughter of very good friends. It will require a black tie outfit, a flight to the city, at least 2 nights in a luxury hotel, transportation or rental car to and from the airport, etc. etc. We would love to go, but it will be a very expensive trip. Apparently, we’ll also need to write out a large check for the happy couple. Do out of town guests in our situation get a break from the ‘covering the plate’ rule??</p>
<p>I remember the first (and only) big Greek wedding I went to, back in my 20s (late 1970s)–a co-worker; she quit the day after the wedding and had the baby ten months later. Boston suburbs. I didn’t understand why she was carrying an enormous purse while she danced, until it was explained to me that it was for the money. I know she collected thousands of dollars in cash, more than covering the cost of the (incredibly luxurious, by my standards) wedding. (The food was absolutely amazing. I still remember the homemade baklava with affection.) And yes, I knew the cost/person of the wedding–I gave a small gift, not cash, what I could afford, and it was explained to me that I should have “covered the plate.” </p>
<p>My WASP-Philadelphia upbringing is horrified by the concept of giving anything as vulgar as cash as a wedding present, and I was shocked when people gave DH and I cash (29 years ago today) at our wedding. </p>
<p>As for going to dinner at someone’s house empty-handed? Never. Flowers (even if it’s just a small arrangement from the garden) or wine or a book the hostess might enjoy. Something.</p>
<p>Beil, I would say so, given that enormous expense. In this case, rather than money, I would give an item - something well chosen and unique, but not expensive.</p>
<p>Very interesting. I meant “new” as in retro trendy. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Anyway I was curious so I called a friend of mine who works at our very large suburban church and asked about wedding receptions in the church. She said she can’t remember any at the church in the past 9 years that she has worked there, just funerals and you have to pay for the food, minister and church fee. Everything is a business! :)</p>
<p>At my wedding, my future MIL insisted that candy bouquets called “confetti” be handed out to all of the female guests (ZM will know about these). She felt very strongly that it was good luck to have them, and very bad luck to not, I suppose. She had them made in her town in Italy - they were very elaborate creations of candy coated almonds, tulle, fabric and wire. They looked old fashioned to me - tacky, actually, but she thought they were wonderful. She still has a couple of them stashed in her china cabinet 22 years later.</p>
<p>I was at a huge Greek wedding acouple years ago. Don’t know if the bride carried a bag, but one of my favorite parts was the Greek gentlemen showering the wedding couple and anyone else dancing near them with dollar bills flung into the air. We even got a few thrown at us for being some of the rare "civilians’ willing to try out the traditional dances. Every so often, the wait staff would come out with brooms to sweep up the money and pass it on to the couple. It was a lot of fun, actually.</p>
<p>NorthMinnesota,</p>
<p>Oh yea, you definitely have to pay the priest, the parish hall fees and for any food you want to have catered in where I’m from too. Nothing is free. But I’ve seen that type of wedding A LOT.</p>
<p>I knew what you meant. It’s not really retro-trendy here, it’s just done, never really stopped. I also see the big extravagant weddings, but not everyone does those here - most do some version of it, but not everyone.</p>
<p>Actually, most here rent out a banquet hall for a reception and have it catered by a mid-range nice, local restaurant. Cost per plate is about $12.00. Then of course, if you want an open bar - that’s extra…a LOT extra. Some people hire a DJ complete with dance floor, etc.</p>
<p>Very few people in our area have super expensive meals, live bands, etc. I think my sister’s wedding was the fanciest I have been to in our county. She had the reception at a country club, white table cloth, still fajitas, but catered by the country club and not by the restaurant in town, open bar, formal toasts, wedding planner with structured schedule to the reception, DJ with dance floor, etc.</p>
<p>This is such a fascinating thread. Among our friends we do bring a “hostess” gift if someone invites you to dinner. Generally we bring a bottle of wine, or a Christmas ornament if it’s Christmas, “coffee table” books is another one or something small $$, fun and frivolous like a novelty wine glass…but we do bring ‘something.’ Typically you see something that reminds you of your good friends and you purchase it, tuck it away and bring it out when the time comes. I guess our parents always did that so we grew up doing things like that. </p>
<p>We haven’t seen many ‘big’ traditional style weddings in the last decade…our group seems to trend toward unique and smaller functions on a sliding cost scale, some casual and some more elegant. They are all fun and very personal. We were invited to one traditional wedding this decade of a former babysitter that I would call traditional with a 2:00 wedding at a church then a couple hour gap and a reception at the country club starting at 5 but that was very unusual for us.</p>
<p>Bell,</p>
<p>As I posted before, the cost of traveling to a wedding is considered. So is income. It’s just a general guideline anyway.</p>
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<p>It is standard that members of a congregation get the use of the facilities free and the services of the minister. Non-members have to pay. They have to pay the sexton and the musician, too. At many churches, women in the congregation (and their retired husbands 
) volunteer to make and serve refreshments like sandwiches, cookies, and punch/tea/coffee. There is a minimal charge per person, which also goes to the church. Or, of course, you can hire a caterer or bring your own food.</p>
<p>It is not a business. Most churches have a hard time collecting enough money to maintain the building and compensate the (usually under-paid) staff. Rentals can be an important income stream for both the staff and the building. And when they have to turn the heat up on Saturday afternoon, the oil company isn’t going to provide the fuel for free. :)</p>
<p>In the years I’ve been a member at my church, I can think of only three non-funeral receptions in the Parish House: one was the 50th anniversary of a member couple who were married there, another was a member’s 60th birthday, and the last was actually the wedding reception of a member couple with limited means. They had a lovely buffet dinner reception self-catered with the help of friends.</p>
<p>Personally, I think that the cake and punch in the church hall reception belongs to the days when all of the guests lived in the same small town. I think that if you are inviting people to travel for an hour or more each way and sit through your service, that you really need to feed them. It doesn’t have to be fancy or formal, but it should be reasonably substantial.</p>
<p>I’ve “catered” several receptions at our church where we’ve invited a lot of people who come from a distance on a Sunday afternoon: an ordination and a few installations. We always provide an array of heavy hors d’oeuvres, the kind of thing that one can make a meal on. If people want to go out afterwards they can, but they don’t have to.</p>
<p>The hostess gift thing. I always bring something but most of the dinner parties I go to are at very good friends houses and those of us that are invited usually offer to bring an appetizer or a dessert along with a bottle of wine. Last week a friend came to my house for dinner and brought me a paper bag full of paperwhite bulbs. I loved that.</p>
<p>I have a neighbor who has a policy of never returning a plate or casserole dish empty! So if I go to a party at her house and bring a plate of brownies, she will send it back filled with something else! When I first met her, I felt so pressured by that and then I came to terms with the fact that we all have different customs and upbringings. In my case, I’m so disorganized, a person is lucky if to ever see their plate again, let alone get some baked goods with it.</p>
<p>EPTR I would love a neighbor like that.</p>
<p>We were raised to bring something to a home of friends when invited. Our extended family was large, so everyone always brought some offering of food, flowers, etc. When I was dating my DH and was invited to dinner at his family’s home, they were insulted if I brought food or fruit, but flowers or candy were ok. I belong to a knitting and book club, the hostess likes to serve fruit, tea or coffee. We all bring a little something, even a box of tea bags or cream for the beverages. Even home made whipped cream! Not everyone brings something every time, it isn’t expected, but it is appreciated. Different customs for different groups.</p>
<p>We always bring wine. Our neighborhood often has parties which are effectively pot lock and for those dh brings his baklava and I’ll usually do some sort of appetizer.</p>
<p>I find it kind of interesting that one of the go-to gifts from guests is wine. If someone were to bring wine to my house I would very nicely thank them, but it would probably end up given away because my fiance and I both hate wine. That being said, that’s something that anybody who knows us well enough to be invited over to our apartment knows, anyway. </p>
<p>I’m also very wary of what I bring over now. I am often learning that people I know are vegan/gluten free/have food allergies so I don’t want to bring a gift to someone’s home that they cannot personally consume.</p>
<p>That’s why wine is good. There’s never enough, it has a very long shelf life, and they can either drink it or serve it to future guests or regift it. :)</p>
<p>Wine drinkers might bring wine to your house in hopes that you, the non-wine people, will open it and serve it to them! :)</p>
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<p>This happened to me in a way, and I liked it. I love red wine, but I’m not a big white wine drinker, so I sometimes stress a little over having the right white on hand for particular dinner guests. One friend who loves white brought a bottle of white with a bow on it for me, then suggested I open it for her when I asked what she wanted to drink. I thought that was great.</p>
<p>hyperJulie, it is YOUR wedding, yours and your fiance’s big day. I think it should be what you want and to heck with what anyone thinks.</p>
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<p>If the hosts really are non-wine people then the guests better bring their own corkscrew too, or they may not have a way to get the bottle open.</p>