<p>Well they have a choice. If the person is unable to cover the plate but is wanted by the couple, it doesn’t matter. But invitation decisions are made on that basis for people who aren’t totally A List. I learned here on CC during the contemporaneous thread for my wretched niece’s wedding that it was uncommon for a couple to exclude first cousins in a small family. My niece did that because she was afraid my kids in their early 20s wouldn’t cover the plate. My sister told me that straight out. However, my niece’s third cousin is older than I am, financially secure and NEVER gives a gift to my sister’s kids and she was invited with a guest, so there are exceptions.</p>
<p>That depends on if your zoosers niece who used that as an excuse to exclude her first cousins and not include a +1 for her uncle (who is also her Godfather), or if you are simply having a wedding that you really want and although it’s a known tradition in your social circle, as other’s point out here it’s used more of a guideline for guests who a)are not family and b)can afford to do so.</p>
<p>sorry, I crossed posts with zoosermom and obviously defer to her. ;)</p>
<p>It can be a financial burden to get invited to a lot of parties and weddings. When we had sweet 16 for our girls (100+ people sit down dinner), we were careful about who we invited. It wasn’t because we didn’t think they could cover the plate, but we didn’t want them to feel obligated to come or have to send a gift. I am sure coming up with a wedding guest list will be a lot more complicated. If you invite someone who clearly couldn’t afford to travel to come then you look like you are asking them for a gift. If you don’t invite them, they may feel slighted.</p>
<p>EPTR, I agree. Poses a dilemna. I guess if a 35K person runs in those circles, they probably know to decline the invitation and just send a token gift. </p>
<p>This is one of those things where I think you should BEHAVE GRACIOUSLY AND WITHOUT EXPECTATION.</p>
<p>If you’re the bride, you should invite those with whom you wish to share the occassion. No expectations of a gift of any kind. After all, you are inviting them because you are fond of them, not because you expect a gift.</p>
<hr>
<p>If you’re a guest, you should be cognizant and courteous of the cost and care the bride will have taken in association with your acceptance of the invitation. If it’s an extravagant affair, you should dress accordingly, show up with a gift in line with the occassion, behave accordingly, etc.</p>
<hr>
<p>After it’s over, I don’t think it’s right for either party to renumerate over who gave which gift or didn’t, or whose wedding was better and more extravagant than whose.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Thank you for helping to clarify my earlier point. </p>
<p>BTW: I’m male. No worries. :D</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’d like to second thanks to ZM and to everyone else who gave accounts of wedding/gift-giving practices in their families/social circles. </p>
<p>Although I’ve only taken one anthropology course in my life, I also am interested in learning about different social customs as a student of history and politics and someone who enjoys observing people in action on and off-line. :)</p>
<p>Ack, Cobrat, I’m so sorry! My bad. :-/ :)</p>
<p>cobrat, I’d show you a good time, too!</p>
<p>I’d like to thank all of you for keeping me company today. I was very upset all day and you wonderful folks made me feel less alone and kept my mind off a rotten day.</p>
<p>Ahh, zooser. Sorry for the crummy day. 
Hope it gets better doll. Sending warm gentle hugs.</p>
<p>zoosermom - Sorry you are having a bad day. :(</p>
<p>Kind of the opposite question from covering the plate, are some people offended or put-out if the wedding reception is light fare and cake in the church hall? I’m thinking of people who travel a distance, perhaps flying in, needing to get a hotel room. I’m a casual person so I have no problem with this, or a backyard affair, but wonder if some people would feel they weren’t properly hosted for their efforts.</p>
<p>This wedding thread brings to mind an incident which occurred during my early HS days. One time while visiting relatives, I overheard some aunts discussing how expensive and ostentatious weddings were becoming in popular culture and concerns their kids or worse, “uncouth SOs” would be caught up in the excesses. </p>
<p>Upon hearing that, 13 year old me suggested that they may want to hold future family weddings in a tri-state area junkyard. This included expounding on possibilities such as lighting and decor from ubiquitous 55 gallon drums or fine dining on crushed cars with catering from nearby eateries whether it’s the then $2-3 rice plates from Big Wong’s in Chinatown or the average pizza joints selling then 90 cent slices of pizza/gyros, 75 cent hot dog/knishes from your average streetcart vendor, etc. 
</p>
<p>Oh, the reactions of those aunts figuratively scrambling for their smelling salts and their expressions of horrific disgust were as ye old Mastercard ads put it…“priceless”. :D</p>
<p>Maybe if we get to that point, I should propose the above to the Pharmacist I’ve been dating. :D</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I would sincerely hope the guests are classy and gracious enough to appreciate any efforts put forth by those hosting the wedding party so long as the food is good and won’t cause them to come down with some form of food poisoning/illnesses.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>He also said that bringing a gift to dinner would be considered “rude” in his circle/culture, which I thought was very unusual and difficult to rationalize. I can understand feeling that gifts for dinner are dispensable in some circumstances, but not the “rudeness” interpretation of doing it. Is it because it appears pretentious to them? Would your mom/aunt/sister/female friend be offended by an offering of flowers from your garden, a pineapple, a bag of nuts or a chocolate bar? Those are some of the kinds of things I bring to relatives and casual close friends. They don’t cost much or anything, but it feels like the polite thing to do to signal my appreciation for their efforts to include me. It never occurred to me that some hosts might interpret my gift-giving as rudeness.</p>
<p>electronblue:</p>
<p>“Kind of the opposite question from covering the plate, are some people offended or put-out if the wedding reception is light fare and cake in the church hall? I’m thinking of people who travel a distance, perhaps flying in, needing to get a hotel room. I’m a casual person so I have no problem with this, or a backyard affair, but wonder if some people would feel they weren’t properly hosted for their efforts.”</p>
<p>I think it’s important to let people know what to expect. If the fare isn’t hardy enough they can always choose not to come. I know when I had my church wedding with cake reception, my mom had made arrangements, after our departure for the honeymoon, to take family out to a local decent restaurant. I thought that was nice.</p>
<p>If it were me, I would not be offended. I would make a decision about whether my relationship with the hosts was such that it warranted me flying in and getting a hotel, or if I should just send a gift. I would not imagine that a shrimp dinner would make up for airfare and hotel costs.</p>
<p>“It never occurred to me that some hosts might interpret my gift-giving as rudeness.”</p>
<p>I kind of get the feeling with the parents of some of my college-aged friends that it infringes upon their ability to play the host role. Otherwise, I can see in my family where doing something to that effect would be considered uppity and pretentious.</p>
<p>If my kid wants a casual wedding, I don’t know if I would invite too many out of town friends, unless they are very close and special. Likewise for a destination wedding. I wouldn’t invite too many people unless I was prepared to pay for their travel.</p>
<p>Bay,</p>
<p>I had a co-worker from another country ask me about the custom of giving gifts to a child’s teacher at Christmas and the end of the year. He thought this was very strange. I told him that it was not at all unusual and would be a nice gesture. He seemed VERY concerned with cost, which I thought was strange. I told him that I often put together a gift basket, total cost about $10, or gave a very nice tree ornament or something of that nature. Then he was even MORE puzzled, and said, “Why would you give a small gift like that? That would be considered insulting where I am from. We would not do that.”</p>
<p>So, different cultures, different circles, different norms. It’s all very interesting.</p>
<p>I DID convince him that a nice box of chocolates was fitting though. ;)</p>
<p>He was also QUITE puzzled about pets - dogs, cats and the planned breeding of the same. LOL - that conversation was hilarious.</p>
<p>Bay, I doubt your hosts find your very nice gestures offensive. I think your situation is more the norm, in general.</p>
<p>But in Cobrat’s circles, if it’s just not done, and has not been done as a rule, and then all of the sudden, one person started doing it…it might be odd, out of place, or pretentious.</p>
<p>oldfort…I agree with you on a destination wedding. I wouldn’t invite anyone unless we were paying for them.</p>
<p>Gosh…didn’t know anyone still did the cake and punch receptions at the church! I bet the last one we went to was over 30 years ago. Are they becoming a “new” thing?</p>
<p>Oldfort, my husband and I “eloped”. I say that because there were those that knew. Second marriage, three kids, someone had to watch them…so my parents knew, and my very best friends but that’s it. It was nice. Just me and hubby, a preacher ($50) and a photographer/filmer ($50 got me a roll of film and a video) beside a beautiful river surrounded by flowers (free). Beautiful dress ($250), home-made veil ($50), home-made bouquet ($40), The cost of gasoline, a gorgeous bed and breakfast stay and a nice vacation. No hassles, no worries, no fussing, no fighting…it was heaven. We had a nice come and go reception after, at my mom’s house. Family and friends and gifts with cake, punch, coffee, lunch spread.</p>
<p>I think as my girls get older, they see the value in this approach. I know the younger two want their family there and they DEFINITELY want a fancy dress (it’s all about the dress), but still - want to keep it as simple as possible.</p>
<p>I’m in a circle where going for dinner or something does not require or expect a gift. It would NEVER be seen as pretentious or anything though. It would be seen as nice, even if out of the ordinary. It would probably get a thanks from the host and little to no notice from the others. I think most social circles are far less observant and judgmental (for lack of a better word- I don’t mean the negative connotation) than cobrat’s is. </p>
<p>This thread reminds me so much of why I want to elope 
lol. I want an EXTREMELY simple wedding. And I will have one because I have zero tolerance for outsiders interfering in mine and my partner’s business- especially our wedding lol.</p>
<p>ZM, some of my applied-to schools are in the NYC area so I might have to take you up on that offer one day :p. I’ve never been to the east coast even! I do hope your day is turning around for the better :)</p>