<p>I am a member of a Unitarian Universalist congregation with a landmark historic church building. We combine freedom from theology with a desirable setting. So people without other local church affiliation want to get married there, or hold their memorial services there. Whether our minister wishes to be available is up to her (or formerly him).</p>
<p>Occasionally, we are contacted by someone who wants us to reduce the fees for them. The one time I talked to such a person, it turned out that they were renting some other space in town to have a catered reception, but expected US to waive our fee, which was something like $350. :rolleyes: Churches in Portland are closing, one after another. They don’t have parking lots. They have old buildings that are expensive to maintain. The church closest to us is now a restaurant.</p>
<p>BTW, when I was talking about “feeding people,” I wasn’t saying that people have to be served a multi-course sit down dinner. There’s a lot of territory between cake and punch and the kind of extravaganza Zoosermom describes. If you can afford cake, you can afford to make some sandwiches to go with it and put out some cheese and vegetables for people who can’t eat cake. You can have barbeque. You can have a buffet ranging from potluck casseroles to an elegant repast. Nothing wrong with finger food.</p>
<p>I think it is just part of being hospitable and thoughtful. But then, I really like to feed people. :)</p>
<p>I can’t imagine hosting an event without some real food, and cake/punch is not real food. I can feed a lot of people with food from Costco with very little money. If the happy couple didn’t have enough money to feed their guests for their wedding, maybe they should think twice about getting married - how are they going to raise a family.</p>
<p>oldfort - I have to respectfully disagree with you there. For one, not everyone plans to raise a family. The most expensive wedding I’ve ever attended (modest compared to many described in this thread) was for a couple that over 10 years down the line don’t have and don’t plan on having children. </p>
<p>Plus, people have other priorities with their money. I know that it has been a real challenge for myself to pay for modest fair for the guests that I am inviting because I have a very large and close extended family. I am a graduate student and we don’t make much right now as a couple. Hopefully, after I finish my degree and hopefully get a professor position somewhere, we will be in the position to start a family. In the meantime, we do want to be married and to share that moment with our family. </p>
<p>Consolation - To be honest it’s really kind of an aesthetic thing. I like the names to be at the top of the invitation. Just my preference.</p>
<p>Julie, it is such a shame that you don’t live near me. I would make you trays of mac and cheese. Plus potatoes.
How about “Julie and Prince request the honor of your presence at their wedding on . . .
Julie and Prince would like you to join them on January 1, 2013 as they become husband and wife.
Julie and Prince invite you to share their joy as they marry on January 1, 2013.”</p>
<p>However, I’m a little stuck as to how I could say it differently. It’s hard to say we’re beginning our new lives together when we already share an apartment, so I feel kind of weird about that phrasing. Any other suggestions? >>>>>>>>></p>
<p>I like the “share the joy” wording. Marrying/becoming husband/wife is a new beginning, even if you already live together.</p>
<p>We went to a wedding last weekend and the reception was not at all what folks were expecting. In the bride’s/groom’s church community, the receptions are usually held in the gym next to the church. Friends/family decorate, buffet meal is provided (depending on the time of day and the means of the families, this could be potluck, sandwiches, or nice hot supper–but always PLENTY of food/drink) there would be music/dancing, visiting, lots of kids running around etc. This latest wedding (both families are better-off than average) had a stand-up reception with drinks/fingerfoods at a historical home. (Seeing the venue on the invite, and knowing these families, I was expecting an elegant, sit-down meal. And thought the place would be huge.) This was 4 small rooms on one floor, with a hallway in the center. For some reason, their guest count must’ve been WAY off. The space was so tiny–appropriate for only 50-60 people and there were over 200 people trying to get into this small space. No place to put coats. No place to sit down, no tables to set down drinks/plates. Many who’d driven in from out-of-town were starving (wedding at 3pm, long ceremony, reception immediately after around 5pm.) People were waiting in line a long time to get to the one small table of food, and audibly grumbling about the crowding, cutting in line, lack of food, expressing shock/surprise at the poor planning, etc. There seemed to be no explanation why such a small space was thought to be appropriate. No way that all of these people showed up without RSVP/invite. I felt so embarrassed for the bride’s family–to have the guests so unhappy/uncomfortable. Many people left very quickly when they saw the crowd. Others wanted to leave, but felt it would be rude to go before the bride and groom appeared (after 2 hours–another pet peeve of mine–wedding party goes off to take photographs for HOURS. Note to bride/groom: This is your party. People expect you to BE there.) Guests were joking about going home/back to motel to order pizza, or picking up a burger down the street. Bride and groom did eventually come in to cut the cake (which few people saw since it was in the hallway, and most folks were separated in the rooms and didn’t know what was going on.) They ran out of cake, too. The bride/groom, bride/father, groom/mother dance were in one of the rooms, which few people saw. There was no music or dancing otherwise. No bouquet toss.<br>
It was strange because both of these families have done weddings before and are more knowledgeable and concerned about etiquette than most in the community. (In my culture it is very important to feed your guests at a wedding. Even if the food isn’t fancy, no one should go away hungry/thirsty–especially out of town guests–it is going to be an inconvenience and additional expense after travel/motel expenses for them to go to a restaurant afterward. We have a lot of kids/big families in this church community-- if you invite all those kids, (which they did) it should be a kid friendly place–little kids were running around outside in dark/cold in downtown area (no yard to speak of–just small lawn on city street). I very much enjoyed visiting with old friends at this reception–and not having to shout over too loud music (another pet peeve), but I was just baffled and disappointed/uncomfortable/hungry at this reception in general.
I’m starting a notebook of what to do in case I’m ever in charge of planning a wedding (I have 4 daughters, so chances are good.) #1 Reception hall must be large enough. #2. Plenty of food/drink. #3. Must have chairs/tables. #4 Bride/groom must attend reception and visit with guests. . .#5 Music must not be too loud.</p>
<p>I had never heard about “cover your plate” until I saw it on CC-- I actually gave a larger gift because I thought they were providing a fancy sit-down meal! LOL–If the reception invite said “drinks/hors d’oeuvres,” I might’ve given less.</p>
<p>“You know what I would like? A potluck wedding. I love potluck.”</p>
<p>I have been to two potluck weddings, and they are among my favorites. For one, my ex and I flew cross-country, so we didn’t bring food, though we did bring gifts. This was a couple in their early 30’s. It was a Mexican theme and there was some amazingly good food there, as many of the family was from Southern CA and cooked authentic Mexican dishes. There was music, a space outside to socialize, and even a place for pictures with the couple. The bride is very crafty and did a great job decorating her place. It was low key but all about the whole reason for being there, the actual marriage.</p>
<p>The other was last summer-a friend had reconnected with her high school sweetheart and they married soon after. They’re in their 60’s. The wedding was at her church, the reception at her house. I made the cake (my hobby) and everyone brought food, while the groom did the grilling-his ribs are to die for, I’m told. There was an abundance of soul food, dancing with a DJ, who stayed hours past his contracted time-for free-since he was having so much fun. Everyone from the bride’s 1-yo grandson to her 88-yo mother was there-no “plate covering”, no ostentatious decorations, no caterers-easily the best wedding I have ever been to.</p>
<p>Maybe this should be in another thread, but I found some great wedding etiquette transgressions online. The last one (link) is a doozy! </p>
<p>“The bride had the DJ announce a ‘Thank You for the Gifts’ mass message since she didn’t want to mail out Thank-You notes.”</p>
<p>“A girl at my work just told us she was invited to a reception & she had to pay!!! On the invite it said: Adults $15/each & children $10/each.”</p>
<p>“I went to a wedding where right after the first dance, the bride’s brother and the groom changed out their tuxes to put on football jerseys and watch the game!!”</p>
<p>“I’ve gone to two weddings where I ended up just shaking my head. I was a bridesmaid in one of them. The ceremony went fine and the bridal party, parents, and grandparents stayed at the church for a bit (maybe 30 minutes) to take a few pictures. It was very simple, just a few posed shots. When we got to the reception, the guests were already eating…and some were done and getting ready to leave. I learned later that there were quite a few people who skipped the ceremony and went directly to the reception (no big deal). Because they were there early, they ate early and were done and ready to leave before the bride and groom even arrived.
The second was a wedding where the reception was to be a punch and cake reception in the church hall afterwards. That would have been fine, except the bride and groom and their parents didn’t attend. When a bridesmaid was asked where they were, she said, ‘Oh, they all went out to dinner together.’”</p>
Just send out an announcement if you can’t afford to feed them. I guess my question is what are you inviting them to? If you were to save $10-50 a week for a year then you’ll have enough money to buy the food, prepare it, and serve to 100 people. If what you want is to get married then have a small ceremony, but when you invite 100+ people then you kind of need to feed them. H and I had 12 people to our wedding, and that worked out fine for us. We all have priorities with our money, but if I am expected to travel, pay for hotel and other incidentals, then I would expect a meal from the host.</p>
<p>To clarify we are providing a meal. Guests will have plenty to eat. It is modest in that it is not a plated dinner and certainly not fancy. I just don’t think that holding a wedding should be predicated on having a certain amount of money.</p>
<p>I really dislike the bouquet, garter toss as well as the bride and groom entering the reception with the bride swinging her bouquet around over her head like she just won a soccer match.</p>
<p>I don’t think it needs to be “fancy.” Money certainly can’t buy you taste. I think hosting a breakfast or a barbecue for people who have travelled far would be a nice thing to do.</p>
<p>If I could redo my wedding:
No bouquet or garter toss (not even considered to skip at the time - 1990 - but not a fan)
Many photos could have been done before wedding (except those where the bride and groom would see each other; it was fun to have that moment at the ceremony)
Only wine, beer, and non-alcoholic beverages hosted (the bar bill was high!)</p>
<p>What I loved about my wedding had nothing to do with cost and everything to do with the people. Fun thread!</p>
<p>I like this one. All of that “sharing their joy” stuff raises my New England hackles. :D</p>
<p>Okay, Julie, I need a few bits of information before making suggestions: what is the physical venue like, is there refrigeration and an oven there, are you able to make and freeze things ahead, are there any dietary restrictions, are there going to be friends and family available to help with last minute prep and service, who is cooking and serving the barbeque and what is it going to consist of, and lastly what is the season and do you have any kind of a theme at all?</p>
<p>BTW, for my 50-person wedding reception, for which I personally cooked ALL of the food except the cake, we had a rather elegant self-serve buffet combined with traditional assigned seating at tables. I went to a friend’s wedding once where the caterer had advised her NOT to have sufficient table seating for everyone if she wanted the party to flow. The older people bagged all of the spots at tables immediately, and her friends ended up perching on flowerpots and the like. Very uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Atomom, what a nightmare! What on earth were they thinking?</p>
<p>I would NEVER consider the garter thing. [shudder] I think that I’ve seen that at a wedding precisely once, when I was about 6. My feminist friends would have never forgiven me if I did a bouquet toss. Definitely a no-no in our circles. :)</p>
(I have 4 daughters, so chances are good.)