<p>I think there are two issues that constantly get confused. The public (or might-as-well-be) expectation of the couple/hosts versus the desire of a guest to be generous to a couple just starting out. The latter has traditional roots in many cultures. The former goes against any standard of contemporary or traditional etiquette. </p>
<p>Wedding gifts are traditional, but they are also supposed to be voluntary and from the heart. It’s customary to give a gift that one can afford to give, taking the closeness of the relationship into account. It’s when you turn that around and make it an obligation and an expectation that you run into trouble. While no one is likely to be bowled over by the generosity of a wealthy guest who shopped at 5 and Below, I would not expect anyone with manners to express those thoughts to that person. </p>
<p>Maybe they are cheap or out to lunch in terms of social cues - either way, one is supposed to keep those kind of thoughts to themselves (OK, and one’s mother ;)). I also give the same thing depending on the relationship regardless of whether the reception is held or how expensive it is. If anyone were thinking of it in those terms, I suppose they would say I more than “cover my plate” for a typical affair in my area. But I do not.</p>
<p>We recently had a wedding for D1. At no time did we expect guests to cover the plate at the sit down dinner. D1 was thrilled and grateful with the thoughtful gifts and cash they received. Wedding etiquette varies from culture to culture, region to region and rules change over the years. When H and I were young it was expected that the groom’s family would cover the alcohol portion of the wedding. Is that still the “rule” ? As far as cash bars the majority of weddings around here have the social/cocktail hour open and then the hosts provide beer and wine throughout the night with liquer available for purchase. All of the weddings around here have favors but they can be very simple or very elaborate. One of my favorites was when the bride and groom had bagged homemade cookies and put them with little cartons of milk or bottles of frappuccino to pick up for the ride home at the end of the evening. Nice little snack!</p>
<p>My vile and revolting niece refused to invite my kids, who are her first cousins, because she was afraid they might not cover the plate at her wedding. My oldest two are employed adults and absolutely would have, and I would never have brought the youngest. She also didn’t invite my brother with a guest. Since it was our niece, my brother and I would have doubled the cost of each plate with the gift, but since she was such a horse’s butt, we EXACTLY covered the plate and not one cent more. My mother, who is very generous, did the same thing. When niece’s brother got married, everyone was invited and welcomed. My mother gave him five figures. </p>
<p>I really love adding how much it cost my niece to be so ugly.</p>
<p>I think the contentious nature of these discussions reflects the contention that often (but by no means always) arises out of actual weddings. In some families you see a lot of hurt feelings, score-keeping, and score-settling. Old family squabbles and grudges get dragged out of the closet and revisited. </p>
<p>I can’t count the times my aunt (my mother’s older sister) reminded me at wedding receptions that back in the day she had to do house chores while my mother (who was a very talented pianist) got to practice the piano instead. This piano/chore stuff happened many decades in the past when they were both young girls, and I was still hearing complaints about it when they were elderly women.</p>
<p>My D was married three years ago–we invited 120 friends/relatives and didn’t expect them to cover the plate. I find that concept outrageous. If you can’t afford a particular type of wedding, why on earth would you expect the guests to pay for it.</p>
<p>My H and I decided that we would rent a place for our relatives from the midwest to stay during the wedding because it was held at an east coast resort spot that tends to be pricey–although the wedding wasn’t in the high season. We rented another place for everyone in the bridal party as well. </p>
<p>At the last minute, my H told D that he’d pay for all the bridesmaid’s dresses. We could afford doing this and H enjoyed being able to do so. Honestly, we didn’t expect anything more than a thank-you. The wedding was great fun and we received many thank you notes from guests saying that they had a wonderful time and were happy that we invited them.</p>
<p>Being a Southern girl, I think the rules I learned were very different! I have heard of “cover the plate” but I think it’s ridiculous. What I learned… if you are an invited guest, you send a gift even if you don’t attend. If you are a close friend or close family member you spend more on a gift or give something more personal than if you are just a casual acquaintance. NONE of this is expected, it’s just a general guideline… I got handmade gifts that were entirely more cherished than china. If you attended a shower and bought a gift, you are NOT expected to buy another one for the wedding, although you can if you choose. There is no “money dance” and the bride does NOT collect envelopes (talk about VULGAR), but we were pleasantly surprised at how many men “slipped” my husband cash during the reception for us to take on the honeymoon. I find people to be entirely MORE generous when it is not EXPECTED… really, a wedding is about bringing together people you care about to celebrate your union… it’s not a fundraiser!</p>
<p>I don’t think we are talking about what the bride/groom expect, we are talking about when we are invited as guests what would we normally do if we didn’t know the happy couple very well. I would cover my plate up to a very nice evening out, but would give a lot more for couples we are close to.</p>
Lets not be judgmental and think you are above being vulgar just by having a registry instead of a money tree or dance. To me, there is no difference. It is like saying by giving a gift card is classier than giving money. The classiest would be to tell guests, “No gifts, please donate to my favorite charity X.”
When you receive money, someone is slipping it to you. Not asked for or expected. I think whenever we’ve given money, we usually just slip it to the happy couple too.:)</p>
<p>The “money dance” is big in DH’s small town. They were shocked that I didn’t choose to participate — ICK! I also heard “cover-the-plate” only here on CC. </p>
<p>We go and give accordingly to our relationship to the couple. Happily all our friends are pretty married and DS1’s haven’t started…saving my money :-).</p>
<p>Actually, I think the OP specifically asked what is sometimes expected by a bride and groom–</p>
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<p>So if there has been contention, it wasn’t by those who echoed the OP’s dismay at such an expectation which she has encountered. And perhaps there is none, since those advocating the cover the plate practice apparently mean it to be a guest guideline, not an expectation.</p>
<p>So we can all agree that it would be a poor host expectation, but that some (not all, I believe) guests personally use it as a gift guideline. I wouldn’t, but YMMV.</p>
<p>We have rarely been invited to weddings where we didn’t know the couple at all. In the last few years, we were invited to two weddings of people who work for H. One was his administrative assistant–our gift was to let the couple use our vacation home for a week. For the other couple, we bought a gift from their registry. If a couple is registered, I’ll buy something from the the registry. If not, I’ll give money. </p>
<p>I have never thought about covering the plate. I will give what feels right to me–I’m not the least bit cheap. I tend to be very generous. How does one even know what it costs to “cover the plate?” At best, you’re making a guess. Plus, the whole concept suggests that you give more to the folks who spent more on their wedding. To use that as a consideration for what to give doesn’t seem right to me.</p>
It’s not a guess. As I said earlier, that information is quietly spread among the guest list. Or not so quietly as in the case of bridal showers, etc.</p>
<p>No wedding tradition is “ridiculous” if it happens to be the tradition of your cultural group. I think the failure to recognize this is what makes some of these discussions so contentious.</p>
<p>I think one takeaway is that if you’re marrying somebody from a different cultural group, or from a different part of the country, you’d better make extra certain you’re on the same page as to all the details of your wedding. And you’d better prepare yourself to deal with differences in how guests will act. At my wedding, all my family members gave us gifts–many of them not that expensive, and far from “covering the plate”–while all my wife’s family members gave us cash. We knew to expect this, so we weren’t upset with anybody. I remember my wife thought it was nuts to set up a gift registry–and nobody from her side gave anything from it, but people from my side did. Where I come from, people will simply ask, “Where are they registered?”</p>
<p>@oldfort… to me a registry is just a guideline and a convenience for guests. I have no problem with a registry as long as there are items of all price ranges. When I’m invited to an out of town wedding that I know I will not be attending I am very grateful for a registry where I can purchase a gift and have it sent easily. As a bride I would never have expected to receive only items from the registry, nor did I want to… like I said, some of the most cherished were the more personal gifts. And I have no problem with people giving money, but the Money Dance is just obnoxious in my opinion… but, I know in some areas it is standard… just not in my neck of the woods. ;)</p>
<p>Really?? You mean people tell one another that the reception is costing $50 per person? I’ve never heard anyone say that. I’ve heard people refer to the fact that the reception was in a pricey venue, but never venture to guess the cost per person.</p>
<p>Bromfield. Yes. Unquestionably. That’s what happens. It’s expected.</p>
<p>The other thing to remember is that all of these weddings are pretty much exactly the same as every other one except for the color scheme and the faces of the bridal party! Everyone knows already how much they cost anyway because they all cost that much.</p>
<p>Granipc: the money dance thing was very common in the ethnic, working class area where I grew up. It was also common in the small, steel town in OH where my H grew up. People think of it as fun, not vulgar. Old people especially think of it as a nice tradition. It’s not something I did, but I don’t think it’s vile or vulgar.</p>
<p>IMO, the idea of “covering the plate,” is simply a guideline used by a guest to make sure they give enough to not cause hardship to the couple. This is not an expectation of the couple, who should not really have any expectations about what sorts of gifts they may receive. To be frank, I typically give $300 as a wedding gift for most people, and about $500 if it’s a closer relative. If I’m invited to the shower, I’ll usually give something from the registry that I like, and if I can’t find anything there, I’ll purchase a decorative item. I’ve also given my nieces (privately) clothing, jewelry, or accessories they can use for their honeymoon. I consider myself fairly generous within my means…and I never discuss what I give or what other guests gives.</p>
I’m sorry but no. In the community in which covering the plate is the norm, it is expected by the couple. The common phrase is “Joey and Gianna didn’t make any money on their wedding.” if people didn’t cover the plates, and “Vinnie and Theresa made a killing on their wedding.”</p>
<p>I’m with those who do not think “covering the plate,” purchasing gifts from a registry, or giving cash are vulgar at all, if that is what the gift-giver wants to do. I do think it would be odd to attend a wedding without reciprocating with a gift of some kind, just as I think it is appropriate to bring at least a small token gift when attending dinner at someone’s house.</p>