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<p>Only time I brought gifts was to some home/apartment warming celebrations at a friend’s house or birthday/anniversary celebrations. Even then, I’ve been invited to such celebrations where the hosts specifically requested “No gifts. Just bring your company”</p>
<p>Otherwise, my friends and I don’t routinely give gifts when attending dinner at each others’ homes as the custom is alien to my extended family and regarded as “old-fashioned” by most in my social circle.</p>
<p>Oh well, some old fashioned traditions are actually very nice.</p>
<p>My kids have been taught to never show up at people’s house empty handed. When we are invited to people’s place for dinner and D1 is also invited, she will show up with something on her own (wine, dessert, flowers). D1 does the same with her friends. When she stays over at friend’s place, she’ll take him/her out to dinner or bring a gift. It is never old fashioned to be polite.</p>
<p>I agree about never showing up empty handed. We usually bring a baked good or flowers since we don’t really drink.</p>
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<p>Not being argumentative ZM, but in what type of a community would “covering the plate” be the norm and something that invitees would discuss with one another? I do understand what you meant about many weddings being similar. Where I grew up (an ethnic/immigrant, working class neighborhood in a midwestern city) I went to family weddings that were variations on the same theme–wedding mass in the morning, reception in an Elks Hall or similar venue much later in the day, family style offerings of food (large quantities), open bar (but no wine served at the table), a band and lots of dancing, including a money dance, and cake at the end of the evening. Plus, people would always start clinking glasses so that the bride and groom would kiss. I honestly don’t ever remember talk about covering the plate and I paid attention to stuff like that. My folks and their relatives (all immigrants from Eastern Europe) would never throw a party for which they would have to borrow money. They would save their money until they could pay for it all up front.</p>
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I thought I was hinting broadly with the reference to Mob Wivesville and the choices of names in the example! I guess I’m not as clever as I thought I was.</p>
<p>I think you’re missing the point, though. The families have a lot of money. They can absolutely cover the cost. It has nothing to do with borrowing money, it’s that this is the expected gift level. And these weddings run over $200 a head, the gift from the parents is often a downpayment for a house. These weddings are held in very lavish venues and feature white glove, sit down dinners and things like multi-room cocktail hours and Viennese hours. Think the Godfather. That was exactly what happens and the house at which it was filmed is in my community.</p>
<p>Maybe Zoozermom saw it on “Jersey Shore.” I married into a large Italian family, and I’ve actually never heard anyone mention the term “cover your plate,” but I do understand what it means - simply a guideline for guests in determining an appropriate amount. Of course there are all types out there, but generally speaking, most hosts only expect their guests to give what they can. I received a painting as a wedding gift by one guest who was an amateur artist - it was one of the loveliest things I’ve ever received.</p>
<p>FYI, Cobrat - it is very rude to continually show up for dinner empty-handed. I’m sure your hosts are too gracious to mention it to you, of course, but I’m also sure they’ve noticed. It you’re not invited back often, perhaps that is why. My college-aged kids even do it when they visit the homes of their friends for dinner.</p>
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I am married to a large Italian family, as is my sister. My entire community is very, very Italian American. I can assure you that “cover the plate” is the philosophy, whether you you choose to snark people you don’t know or not. It’s really outrageous to question the honesty of another poster about their own life experiences. </p>
<p>As far as being rude, you certainly know about that. My screen name is zoosermom.</p>
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<p>Different cultures/families have different definitions of what’s “polite”. Oddly enough, bringing a gift to my relatives when invited there for dinner would actually be considered “rude”. </p>
<p>From what I can surmise through explanations and observation, bringing a gift implies I’m distancing myself as a casual acquaintance/stranger rather than a relative/close friend. Also, older relatives feel it usurps their gift-giving prerogative towards younger siblings/generation. </p>
<p>It’s also partially the same reason why my parents and aunts made it a point to tell me as a fresh college grad earning good money to not ever think about participating in the “grab the check” game to pay the entire bill for the family lunch/dinner get-togethers.</p>
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<p>Actually, I’m invited to dinners at my friends’ places on a regular basis. If anything, one frustrating thing over the last few months is having to decline their invitations because of work/scheduling conflicts due to prior engagements. </p>
<p>Moreover, none of the friends’ families…many of whom I’ve developed close relationships of a decade or more would ever expect a college-student to give gifts as a prereq for being invited home to dinner. </p>
<p>By the same token, my immediate/extended family would never entertain such an expectation for friends…especially if they were still in school. </p>
<p>Maybe it’s a regional/family difference.</p>
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<p>I really had no clue that these norms existed. If certain guests don’t give the expected amounts at one of these weddings–what are the consequences? Are the folks identified and ostracized at other weddings or events. Do the bride and groom actually keep track of that and talk about the people who didn’t give as expected? Are you expected to cover the plate even if you don’t go to the wedding. I believe what you say. I just don’t understand expecting certain amounts of money and then feeling slighted if you didn’t get it. I assume the bride and groom feel slighted or have their feelings hurt in some way, especially if they don’t need the money.</p>
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Either one of two things happen. If you are close to the family, you will get a call saying “is everything ok, do you need anything?” or “are you upset with Gianna or Vinny?” Or you get talked about. If you don’t go to the wedding, you just give whatever. The thing to remember is that everyone has the same wedding and gives the same. The joke is that the same check just gets passed from hand to hand. I guess the reason for all this is that the couples don’t need gifts because the bridal showers clean out the registries, so what’s left but money?</p>
<p>Brides/grooms or mothers of one or both do keep track. You can’t give less than you got if Aunt Gracie gave you a huge check, when her daughter gets married your parents have to do the same.</p>
<p>I have to ask - How would anyone know what “the plate” is to cover it?</p>
<p>I’ve answered that twice. That information is (a) passed along at events like the engagement party (catered in a hall or restaurant), (b) the bridal shower (same), or through the grapevine. Also, most of these weddings are in the same venues in the same area so most of the guests have had their own events in the venue or its twin and know exactly what the cost is.</p>
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Not in my family. I have no clue what my daughter and SIL’s gifts from other people cost. None of my business - I wasn’t the recipient!</p>
<p>I have no intention of finding out what my kids get. In fact, my sister isn’t even being invited to their weddings, so we can do whatever we want without having to worry about her! Woo hoo!<br>
I just want to be clear that I married into these habits and it wasn’t how I grew up, but I do understand. At the core is the intent to be generous in terms of a huge family group, but it’s evolved in some ways to something else entirely.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the whole thread so didn’t see you answer. The question wasn’t specifically directed at any of your posts zooser - just a general question to everyone because of the subject of the thread. I have absolutely no idea what “the plate” has cost at any wedding I’ve been to in my life (other than my own and my daughter’s). It would never have crossed my mine to ask (sounds very crass to me) and i would have been very taken aback to be asked.</p>
<p>The guests don’t ask, the family makes sure the information is spread. But they would ask, anyway. I really think it simply comes from the fact that there is nothing left after the shower(s) to give other than cash.</p>
<p>Talking about showers - my D’s best friend went to what she thought was a baby shower and it turned out to be a “reveal” shower (the sex of the baby). Is that new (it was to me and my daughter’s friend). Baby shower still to come. What next. Conception shower?</p>
<p>cobrat,
How would you describe your “culture” that you say would consider dinner invitee gift-giving rude? It does not sound like mainstream American culture. Do I remember correctly that you are Chinese?</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, I googled Chinese culture gift-giving, and found this, which is relevant to the thread:[Chinese</a> Culture: Chinese Gift-Giving Etiquette](<a href=“http://chineseculture.about.com/od/chinesefestivals/a/Chinese-Culture-Chinese-Gift-Giving-Etiquette.htm]Chinese”>Chinese Gift-Giving Etiquette)</p>
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<p>It sounds like they “cover the plate” in China! (Obviously, I can’t vouch for the source).</p>
<p>A reveal is separate from the baby shower? That’s a new one on me!</p>