<p>Money gifts were neither expected nor received outside of the family in my experience. My husband, however, had a client from Asia who was demanding, rude, and generally bizarre. She would call him at all hours with crazy requests, would not listen to his advice, and after a year of putting him through hell, cut off communications with him after deciding not to close the deal. A few days before our wedding, she sent us a wedding card through her attorney with $3,000 cash in it. This was 20 years ago, and let me say that we were thrilled beyond belief. It paid several months rent to get us started out, plus spending money for our honeymoon. So while I think it’s tacky to request money, I’m not averse to graciously accepting it when offered!</p>
<p>The venue where my D and son-in-law had their reception (last June) advised them not to offer entree choices. They said it made for longer serving times and that guests would get impatient/annoyed. D/SIL decided to go with bay scallops and braised short ribs. Also–folks could ask for only scallops or short ribs. Worked out well. There was also risotto as the vegetarian option.</p>
<p>My favorite scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding was when the American mom brought a heartfelt “bundt cake” and the Greek mom, puzzled with the hole in the center, honored it by popping a potted plant into the middle.</p>
<p>“What’s this? Who puts a hole in the middle of a cake?” whispers the Dad.
“She says it’s a BUNDT cake. It’s BUNDT.” (as in, back off…we’re going to get used to this family).</p>
<p>I’d have thought she meant “burnt” and taken offense. When in doubt, grab for a potted plant, I guess. Grace under pressure.</p>
I think they’re both tacky - just as tacky as ‘asking’ for a gift in the first place. Not many people agree with me but I think ‘registering’ is tacky and basically the equivalent of asking people to buy you specific items and present them to you as gifts. If people don’t know you well enough to have some idea of what gift to get you, assuming they want to give a gift at all, then maybe they shouldn’t attend the wedding in the first place or give a gift. </p>
<p>I don’t think you should say anything regarding gifts at all. If someone wants to give you a gift then great, and be gracious in receiving it. If they don’t give a gift that should be fine as well. </p>
<p>Regardless, you can usually return items you don’t want to keep to exchange or get a refund.</p>
<p>^^^^^I can see your point. I’ve always looked at showers a little differently. This is a friend who is honoring you and requesting gifts to get you started (vs. the Bride or groom or family soliciting gifts on a wedding invite). The registry has come about because the shower hostess probably gets tired of phone calls asking what gift to bring, lol.</p>
<p>What I find really annoying is when you get invited to 5 different showers for the same bride. That is really pushing it, imo.</p>
<p>I remember in the good old days (when I got married) that at showers you would get practical things like dish towels, crock pots, a trash can filled with cleaning products, etc. Now you would feel tacky bringing something like that (except for the crock pot if she registered for one).</p>
<p>At my shower (if you could call it that!) four friends chipped in and got me a waffle iron. I got a whole mess of kitchen towels as a wedding gift from one friend. They are still in great shape. </p>
<p>I think it’s okay to register, but you can only tell people about it if they ask. :)</p>
<p>You live in a different world than I do.In a typical scenario for a “CC type” couple, they will be in their late 20s or early 30s, having graduated from college 5+ years earlier. They’ve kept in touch with friends through emails, phone calls, college reunions, and occasional visits. When Justin marries Megan, he invites his college frat brothers. They haven’t a CLUE what sorts of things Megan and Justin have bought to outfit their apartment(s) during the previous 5+ years. Odds are Justin’s taste in decor isn’t the same as in his college days. His buddies may have met Megan a few times, but they don’t know what she likes. </p>
<p>Neither do Justin’s aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. unless they just happen to live in the same city where the B&G reside. Usually, they don’t. </p>
<p>Returning gifts doesn’t really work when guests buy them where they live and send them to you. Some people do buy them from chains and include a gift receipt, but most do not. If you end up with 5 fondue sets and 2 dozen steak knives, you’re usually stuck with them. That’s the POINT of having a registry. It insures that you don’t get multiples of the same item. </p>
<p>Moreover, at least a few of the guests are usually invited because they are close friends of the B&G’s parents. They may not have seen the young people since they left for college.</p>
<p>I agree with the idea that you shouldn’t mention a registry unless asked, but believe me, that the first question MANY people ask is “Where are you registered?” which is what happened to the OP.</p>
<p>Gee…I think this very question was in the Ann Landers (whomever took her place) column this week. They had an excellent suggestion…it is considered tacky to put anything about gifts in the invitations. They suggested the happy couple put the word out to a number of family and friends that cash would be appreciated because they didn’t need more “stuff”. The Ann Landers folks felt that word of mouth would suffice.</p>
<p>I find it VERY hard to believe that the nicer country clubs and hotels in St. Louis don’t offer this. BTW I was married at the Adam’s Mark downtown near the Arch (it had just opened at the time).</p>
<p>I’ve gone to quite a few weddings for my H’s employees and in fact am going to one in a few weeks. I know nothing of them except that they are H’s employees; they are perfectly nice and I’m happy to share in their special day, but they are not personal friends, I’ve never been over their houses, and I really would have no idea what their personal tastes, needs, or financial situations are. Hence, that’s why a registry is useful.</p>
<p>I also attended lots of weddings when H was in med school and residency – weddings for his fellow students. How would I have had any clue what they wanted or needed? It ranged from two poor-as-church-mice students getting married, to wealthy families where they wanted for nothing.</p>
<p>^^ Then wouldn’t your H have some idea of his employees? Why couldn’t he suggest something to get as a gift?</p>
<p>Really, I don’t know why people invite every person they’ve ever come into contact with for a wedding (unless someone else pays for the wedding but the couple just wants to get get the gifts). </p>
<p>And I know it sounds strange, but why should a gift be something the couple ‘needs’ or ‘wants’? Why couldn’t it be something ‘out of the box’ - something they never even thought about, like when my in-laws gave us an American flag? I think those gifts are more interesting anyway. When one registers there’s really not much of a surprise in what they receive and it’s fairly like a business-like transaction. Sure, it makes it easier on the gift giver but for those willing to put more effort and creativity into their gift selection it can be a true surprise for the receiver and from what I’ve seen is actually more appreciated by them.</p>
<p>If someone really doesn’t know the couple well but decide to go to the wedding anyway, which I really don’t get, then perhaps a check isn’t a bad idea.</p>
<p>A little OT, but when DH and I got married, we had known one another for three years. We had a very small wedding which we paid for ourselves. <em>WE</em> decided that we were not inviting anyone we both had not met…and that included relatives. We figured in three years, if they hadn’t met us, they didn’t need to be at our wedding. It caused a bit of a ruckus as DH’s extended family is LARGE and was used to being invited “just because”. Well…we didn’t invite them all. We also had NO children at our wedding. </p>
<p>I figured that the people at our wedding should be the ones were were the closest to. We had 40 people at the event almost 30 years ago and we still see ALL of those 40 people this many years later. (yes…we do have some new friends too). And you know what…those who were not invited because we hadn’t met them…well…we don’t see them now either.</p>
<p>Wedding gifts were not an issue. These were all personal friends and family who KNEW what we had, needed and wanted.</p>
<p>My parents paid for my wedding, and I had zero problem with the fact that some of the guests were my dad’s business acquaintances, or that some of the guests were long time friends of my ILs who didn’t know / hadn’t met me but were delighted to see H, who they had known since he was little, get married. </p>
<p>Likewise when we held a bar/bat mitzvah for our kids, the guests included some of our friends as well as some friends of both sets of gparents, all of whom were delighted to be included even though they didn’t “know” our kids. They knew our family and that’s enough.</p>
<p>^^ Yes - different people handle these things different ways. I don’t see why people would want a bunch of strangers at their wedding yet others don’t see why I wouldn’t want them there. Different strokes for different folks and family/cultural traditions come into play as well. It’s all good.</p>
<p>I would never think to give a young couple starting out anything but a gift of money. I also think that a shower is the time to gift household items such as silver, china, and crystal. I don’t think the OP did anything that awful by mentioning to only her closest friends and family that she was not registered. The people who were asking should have been able to pick up on the obvious. I actually think that not giving money in a case like this (young college students) is tacky.</p>
<p>My D and her husband felt as you do, UCD. However, they both recognized that their parents would want to invite a few folks who they didn’t really “know”. For example, my D didn’t “know” her MIL’s best friend from Connecticut. My son-in-law didn’t “know” my college roommate and her husband from Seattle. Yet these people were close to their mothers and were people who “knew” much about them. My H and I paid for most of the wedding and my D and SIL also contributed, but we generally honored their wishes and most of our friends who came to the wedding were folks who had been involved with our family since my D was a young child. My H didn’t invite his business partners; they don’t really “know” my D–except for an occasional event or dinner and my H likes to keep work/family separate. In fact, the only person from his company that my H invited to the wedding was his administrative assistant and her husband. She knows all of us! As you said–different strokes and all that. I find it fascinating to read about the different family/cultural traditions.</p>
<p>It also depends on what you mean by “know” the bride and groom. A number of my friends are the parents of my d’s HS classmates & friends. When we get together, we do talk about the kids. We “know” these kids mostly second-hand now since there are no more “play dates” or carpools. But they know who we are and we know who they are. Does that mean that I will know what each has in her apartment, or even her particular taste? No. But if I’m invited to her wedding, you bet I’ll ask her mother.</p>
<p>Although in our tradition, it’s perfectly acceptable to give money for wedding gifts.</p>