<p>I think there is less chance of hard feelings if you just give a set amount. We are a long way off, but considering our finances, I would guess that amount would be between 5-10K. That is enough to pay for a good sized budget wedding or a very small pricy one. If a big expensive one is desired the funds will have to come from somewhere else. As long as I am invited, I don’t care how the couple spends my contribution. Well, I do have opinions on the dress but my girls are used to that.</p>
<p><a href=“sounds%20like%20a%20grand%20affair”>quote</a>, and the groom’s side would be happy having a lot of people, but at the basement of a church?
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Well, I dont know the BFs parents but from what I have heard about them and other relatives weddings …they are NOT the basement of the church type.</p>
<p>oldfort you can try the auction sites of estate sales if you want to replace the Waterford lamp. Or Replacements Unlimited will open a file for you (free).</p>
<p>Tututaxi, I’d give the dollar amount with a suggestion of how it could be spent.</p>
<p>Tutu - I agree that giving a fixed amount makes good sense.</p>
<p>I now see why weddings can be so stressful. So much to discuss! I just pray my kids find significant others that treasure them!</p>
<p>Thanks to this thread, I have decided to use my crystal regularly and my china weekly. It is pretty and deserves more than the Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter outing. I have also resigned myself to planning on a decent size cash allotment to each child. I should have a few years of breathing room after tuition ends and before either wedding would happen.</p>
<p>20 years ago, our rehearsal dinner included: anyone in the wedding and their spouse/fiance/long term partner, relatives, out of towners of the parent generation that were like family - e.g. godparents and effective aunts/uncles. We did not include all of our out of town peers from HS/undergrad/grad (unless in the wedding). Those guys really preferred to party elsewhere and we joined them for some casual fun after the formal rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>When we got married, my MIL wouldn’t give us a rehearsal dinner because her daughter’s wedding, which she was contributing to, was a week before ours. She did, however, buy an ivory ball gown remarkably similar to my wedding dress to wear to my wedding. I told her to wear something else or not come.</p>
<p>My husband and I weren’t the popular couple in the family (we were too young), so no china, crystal, silver or anything like the siblings got. To this day, we’ve never had any of those things. MIL gave her daughter a fridge and range and gave us a Black & Decker toaster oven. When she died, her other son had already taken everything, so there was nothing left to pass down. Which was quite fine.</p>
<p>Oh, zoozermom, you’re a saint to have put up with it all, but good for you for telling the MIL not to try to look like the bride!</p>
<p>The one good thing about all these experiences is that they should make us be better inlaws when it’s our turn. Our first married Christmas, the inlaws sent H (their son) seven Christmas presents and sent me an electric pencil sharpener. Having not lived through the experience, it’s something I might have done myself - showered my own kid with presents and bought a token for the spouse.</p>
<p>
Yes, I guess I’m not sure what that amount should be. Excluding the cost of the dress. Would 8-10K be sufficient to cover the cost of the venue, flowers & decorations, photographer, wedding planner, hair and make-up for the bride, transportation to and from the ceremony and reception? What expense have I over looked? What is considered a reasonable cost/person for dinner w/ wine at the table?</p>
<p>Lots of interesting thoughts and opinions here. I am inclined to think that its really hard to please everyone, and in some situations the guests may have to make the best of a situation that may not be perfect for them. When I married a million years ago we had a buffet, so people could eat what they wanted. DH’s side of the family had some members with special dietary restrictions. We offered to arrange meals for them, but they are very (add a few more very’s) strict and chose instead to bring their own food and utensils. That was fine. We offered. There were probably issues that at the time I had no clue about, and hope in retrospect that those who attended had a nice time. But in fairness, the people throwing the event are, IMO, the ones who are rightfully able to set the parameters. They do their best to accomodate guests, who are just that, guests. Certainly one might try their best to be sensitive to the needs of close family and friends, but there can, IMO, be a limit. </p>
<p>As an example, back when my older son was being bar-mitzvah’ed, we courtesy invited friends and included their kids (who really didnt know my s at the time). Their dau has a gluten allergy. IIRC, they were not going to be able to attend, but wanted their kids to attend. To be perfectly honest, I was uncomfortable being expected to know what foods were made with what products, and I certainly didnt want the responsibility of having to watch over their dau who was about 11 at the time. Does this make me selfish? Personally, I dont see it that way.</p>
<p>
What area are you thinking that the wedding might be wedding held?</p>
<p>
Doesn’t make you selfish at all and you’re completely right about the host setting the parameters. I just think when there is a bride AND a groom, both families should be considered. Not coddled, but considered. One could ask for an accommodation and be told politely that “I’m sorry but we can’t do that” so at least he or she knows ahead of time and can choose to attend or not.</p>
<p>Would you have felt differently if the young girl had been a person in your absolute immediate family and you were already fully familiar with her needs?</p>
<p>
I would guess in NYC or someplace close enough that people in the city could easily get there.</p>
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<p>I think this has nothing to do with area of the country and everything to do with the style in which the people under consideration entertain. I’ve been to six-figure weddings in Illinois and Missouri, and punch-and-cake-in-the-dining-room affairs in Pennsylvania and New Jersey.</p>
<p>jym, I would not want to be responsible for feeding a meal to a child with a severe food allergy without the parent present, esp. at a large event. Sure, you could have one kid over for a family meal and be super careful. But the hostess at a larger party cannot be expected to watch one child all the time, or to be responsible for what the venue serves. (At a work-related dinner earlier this year, I was assured by the planners that the dessert didn’t have nuts. Only it did. It seems the kitchen served something different than was ordered.)</p>
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I don’t think $8-10,000 would be enough for all of those things unless if was a very, very small wedding. But that amount of money would be a very good start and could be used in plenty of helpful ways.</p>
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That is very scary.</p>
<p>^ in crime dramas, I’ve seen instances in which a restaurant doesn’t believe the patron actually has an allergy. I can see that happening.
My sensitivities aren’t life threatening, just will give me digestive problems, but I know people who are really allergic & they could go into shock.</p>
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<p>It will depend on where the wedding takes place, what type of venue, what menu choices you make, and the number of guests. For the venues in our area that are popular, you’re generally looking at $150-200/guest for a sitdown dinner with wine at the table. The cost of flowers can be high but, again, depends what you want and how elaborate the centerpieces and bouquet are, and the number of attendants your D would like. Also, if you’d like flower arrangements at the ceremony, that’s an additional cost.</p>
<p>Photographers have different packages available and you can have everything from a virtual all day package with them there to capture everyone getting ready, the ceremony, the reception, the toasts, the bouquet throw, and then the couple departing, to something more simple.</p>
<p>Limos are generally paid for by the hour so you can estimate your cost depending on the arrival through the reception hours. Do you want a car for the couple to leave the reception? Cars to take out of town guests back to their hotels? </p>
<p>Hair and make up for the bride will generally cost you a couple of hundred dollars, depending on the salon. We paid for all the girls because they all went together that morning. The wedding planner fees for the ‘day of’ service only is generally around $400-500. </p>
<p>A few things you haven’t mentioned - the cake; music, if any, for the ceremony and the reception; and the officiant.</p>
<p>There are many factors and choices that will affect the bottom line, but $8,000-10,000 could be a stretch to cover all of those items.</p>
<p>zoosermom, Could 10-15K cover the cost of everything except the dress and the food & wine? I realize the $$$/plate will be an added cost which I’m hoping/assuming the b&g and groom’s parents will be sharing the cost.</p>
<p>alwaysamom, Thanks, your breakdown is very helpful. :)</p>
<p>Tututaxi, it could if the wedding was small and choices were made to stay within that budget. It’s definitely doable. I’m wondering about music though. Sometimes that can be costly, but there are definitely ways to work within a budget.</p>
<p>Well it is looking like if H and I give a fixed amount of 25-30K that should be reasonable - w/ D and the groom along w/ the grooms parents paying the rest. </p>
<p>Yikes, I hope I have a few years feels like were paying for another semester of college!</p>
<p>Thanks All :)</p>