Wedding Planning

Parent Cafe
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<p>Tututaxi, since one can spend infinite amounts of money on each item on your list, any one of which could consume $10K, I would suggest that you come up with a figure and give it to the B&G and allow them to make their own decisions about how to spend it. Personally, I think that $10K would be a perfectly reasonable donation. I would add, though, that you should be prepared to NOT be able to invite everyone you had in mind. It would probably be a good idea to let the B&G know who you would like to invite and who you think might attend, possibly in a 2-tiered list: these are the people on our list if it is just close family, I would add these if it includes friends, etc.</p>

<p>As this thread and the DIY thread demonstrate, there are many ways to have a lovely wedding at which everyone has a great time without spending huge amounts of money.</p>

<p>Edit: If you are actually willing to give them $25-30K, they should not have to ask anyone else for a dime, IMHO, unless they have drunk the wedding industry koolaid.</p>

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<p>Tutu, I don’t know if this will work for you, but you have some other options. It’s hard to be the parent of the BRIDE but far from where the couple lives, I know first-hand. Some of the young couple’s friends can’t afford time or money to travel cross-country-- although you’ll be surprised at how many do, when it’s their friends’ weddings. The couple’s significant friends and life are all in their new city. Groom’s parents live nearby. The momentum seems all to go in “have the wedding where the couple lives.”</p>

<p>But you could assert your strong preference, to your D, to host the wedding at your own home… AND host a party for friends later in NYC that you never see.</p>

<p>It’s a once-in-a-lifetime (let us hope) event, and might be the only time her groom’s parents and sibs ever gets a chance to see where she grew up. These things frame how the groom’s family will perceive her over time. I wouldn’t prefer to be the out-of-town guest at my D’s wedding, although I always accept that for my S’s. (We are on the traditional side of these wedding-gender traditions/expectations, not by choice but practicality sometimes; it’s just too hard to reinvent the rules at every turn.)</p>

<p>A different way, if this wedding comes into reality, is to host a small, elegant-as-you-like wedding in your state. Assume if the groom’s parents are well-heeled (as you hinted), they can afford and will not be surprised to be asked to fly cross-country and stay in a hotel weekend, once-in-a-lifetime for them. They should also pay their son’s flight and lodgings, to be gracious IMO. </p>

<p>Have what suits you on your home turf. Maybe there’s an officiant whom you trust and the D knows is okay. (They can email or skype beforehand on ceremony details). If it’s the community where the bride grew up, even nicer. Let the couple come early so she can show him some beauty spots in your region. </p>

<p>Be generous with invitation numbers to the groom’s side of famiiy, as they may surprise
you and want to see another part of the country, especially if you plan good-weather month.</p>

<p>The couple is probably wanting to involve their friends, and that’s wonderful. If they don’t have good jobs already, you can even offer to help gift the best-man and maid- of- honor’s RT flight costs, which would be extremely generous. </p>

<p>Hire a videographer (in your community) for the ceremony.</p>

<p>And here’s the kicker: Tell your D and SIL that a month after the small/nice wedding in your home state, you’ll ALSO pay for a nice PARTY in NYC, just for their friends, in a dancing/music venue. Show the video of the ceremony during that party. </p>

<p>Any friend who wants to fly cross-country for the ceremony COULD come, but I think most will be just as happy to dance to the couple’s happiness in NYC a month later.</p>

423

<p>

I think missypie answered this perfectly in her post #413. That dessert story is quite scary.</p>

<p>I cant say what I would do if this 10-11 yr old child were in my immediate family, as I have no base for comparison. Certainly we would like to be able to make any celebratory event inclusive for family members. But would I want to be responsible for watching some young child at a large event I am hosting? Not really. When relatives have come in from out of town for family events and had young kids I arranged for babysitters at the hotel. One relative (of my husband) didnt want to have to bring any of her 2 then yo’s books with her and asked me to go to the library and get him some books. Really? IMO that was rude. Fortunately we still had (have) kids books at home and I brought her several from our supply. She also didnt stay at the hotel. She stayed with some friends or relatives on the other side of her family. Note that she didnt ask them to go to the library and get books for her. And I had to bring the books and the hospitality basket to this strangers house rather than to the hotel because it was more convenient for her. I bit my lip and did it. </p>

<p>We should start a thread about over the top things guests have asked hosts of large events to do for them. I have a few doozies.</p>

424

<p>Consolation- The number of guest H and I would have on the list is VERY small probably around 20 - 25. None of our family or friends live near NYC – all would need to travel and stay in area hotels.</p>

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<p>Wow, Tutu. I think you should give serious consideration to hosting this in your home state. Let the NYC groom’s family boost the economy - they can buy air tickets and stay in hotels in your area, just as well. Or many NYC friends/family of groom won’t fly over, but they can give the bride a shower to meet her.</p>

<p>Either way, I think you have some gravitas as parent of the bride to pay for the wedding you can envision, help plan and afford, in your home community. Hope I’m not being too directive here. It’s just SO expensive in NYC, even with creative alternatives – are the couple and groom’s parents likely to come up with alternatives, or just pay through the nose and ask you for a “share” of their decisions. Watch out.</p>

426

<p>Paying3 tuitions, I would love to have the wedding here but we really do live in a small rural area. It would be cost prohibitive for the wedding party and the b&g close friends. Thanks for suggesting extending an invitation to the groom’s parents to come for a visit - I will do that. We live in a beautiful part of the northwest and would love to show them our area. The BF has already been for a visit and will probably come again.</p>

427

<p>Ah. You’ve got a good handle on how to get the groom’s family to know and appreciate your daughter, and that counts a lot to future happiness. </p>

<p>It’s true, my suggestion to separate the location of wedding ceremony from friends’ after-party would have cut out most wedding party/ b&g friends at the ceremony itself. And that might just not fly with your D and (mightbecomea) SIL.</p>

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<p>I have friends from all over the world and they are always looking for an excuse to come to the Northwest. :slight_smile:
Or when your D gets married, they could do what Pearl Jam did last year when they had their PJ20 celebration " in the middle of the country".</p>

<p>Alpine Valley, Wisconsin.
:confused:</p>

429

<p>TuTu, 20-25 people is not really very small for friends and relatives of the bride’s parents if the goal is to have a small wedding. Out wedding had only about 50 people in attendance. The only relatives on my side were my parents, my sole uncle, and my sister and her family (H and 3 kids). A total of 8. My parents didn’t invite any friends, and my family is very small (no surviving grandparents, no other aunts and uncles in this country, no first cousins). H’s family attendees included his 2 sibs and one spouse, and his parents. A total of 5. The rest of the attendees were our friends. We knew going in that the wedding was going to be small, and that my parents were paying only for very basic things. If we wanted other things, we had to pay for them. We paid for the dance floor and the band, and I made all of the food except the cake. I paid for my dress. We had no church decorations and no photographer or videographer and no limo (the church was next door to our house) and no profesional hair much less makeup. Even so, the total cost was about $3K, and that was in 1985.</p>

<p>If you have 25 attendees, when you add in the other family’s attendees and a reasonable number of the B&G’d friends, you are looking at a 100-person wedding. Which to my mind is not “small,” although it also isn’t huge. :)</p>

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<p>My NYC inlaws think I’m from the Northwest – Buffalo NY is the northwest corner of this state. </p>

<p>Someday I hope to see the real Northwest…with the capital N. Sounds gorgeous.</p>

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<p>I think it would be very hard to have a wedding for $8-10,000 in NYC unless someone held it at his/her home and it was a civil ceremony. You MIGHT be able to get away with that if someone went to college in NYC and could use the school chapel.</p>

<p>For registered parishioners, the fee to use my Manhattan church is $1500. The organist is $500–and no, you can’t just have a friend play. </p>

<p>I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that you’ll contribute X amount. However, for $8-10,000 expect sandwiches and cake in the church basement. There is NOTHING wrong with that and I’m not saying there is.</p>

432

<p>Here is a link that will give you some idea of the cost of reception. Admittedly, some of these are very high end places, but others most definitely are not.</p>

<p>[New</a> York Wedding Guide - Locations Directory](<a href=“http://nymag.com/weddings/listings/locations/]New”>New York Wedding Guide - Locations Directory)</p>

433

<p>Thanks…could waste a lot of time oggling over those venues in NYC :slight_smile: The music part is particularly bothersome to me. Knew a family that was all about music and that’s what brought the couple together. No family members or friends were allowed to perform. Can someone share the reasoning behind that? Seems as though the church or otherwise wants to capitalize on the monetary benefit of the event. Sure for the building they have to heat, pay for the lights etc, but the music part? I don’t get it. Is this pretty standard?</p>

434

<p>Yeah, it’s pretty standard. When my D gets married someday, we know ahead of time that if she gets married in our church we are going to have to pay extra to have the organist play background music while guests are arriving and for the procession of the rest of the wedding party but sit on his hands when the bride comes down the aisle. She plans to have her brother play her down the aisle.</p>

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<p>My church has a beautiful and historic pipe organ. It also has an excellent choir. Parish tradition says that the church used to let other people play the organ at weddings. Too often, it turned out to be damaged on Sunday morning and there was no music at mass. It is VERY expensive to have a pipe organ repaired and, of course, there were numerous arguments about whether the wedding organists were responsible for the damage. </p>

<p>So, finally the parish said you can only use our organist.</p>

<p>You can have anyone you want to sing. You can hire a soloist through the church, but it isn’t required.</p>

436

<p>

Oh, I don’t think it will be a small wedding. I’m guessing the groom’s parents’ family and friends could easily be 60+ add in the wedding party w/ their significant others plus all of the b&g friends and their +1. I would guess the total would be 150-200. The only thing “smallish” is the number of guest H and I would invite/ attend.</p>

437

<p>TutuTaxi:</p>

<p>

Can’t you just PM ‘takeitallin’ and have her tell you how to do it for half the cost (go back a few pages and read that post in case you missed it)? Really, one can spend a little and one can spend a lot and have a great event in either case. There’s something to be said for the creativity and sometimes uniqueness involved when someone does it for a lower cost. This is probably why takitallin’s guests have such fond memories of the event.</p>

<p>On a side note - I’m picturing your little girl in the tutu, in the back seat, with you driving to the studio, now grown up to the point where you’re having to consider doing the wedding. Time sure flies and they grow up fast!</p>

438

<p>GGD,</p>

<p>Please…did you miss this part of takeitallin’s post?</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Now, if you happen to know of a historic inn within a hour’s drive of NYC that can be had for a “bargain price” then YOU should PM tutu. But if you don’t your remark is just plain snarky.</p>

439

<p>Oh my oh my oh my!!! </p>

<p>My son is recently engaged and boy howdy! Did I have a lot to learn about weddings, current trends, traditional & familial delineations. </p>

<p>My H is living by the mantra: Old enough to get married, old enough to pay for it. (Say it again, two times)</p>

<p>We, as parents of the groom, have offered to pay for a rehearsal dinner. Son will pick up other “traditional” costs. </p>

<p>Here’s my question: what to do with parents of the bride who do not respond to letters of introduction from the groom’s parents? Hard to look friendly, cooperative, open-walleted, even cordial, when they don’t respond to one’s overtures.</p>

440

<p>Re: tipping – some of the places I have looked at tell you in their materials what they will charge for the tip and include it. I have seen 16-22%. </p>

<p>ETA: Rentals of county-owned park facilities here START at $1700. They also require a licensed caterer, which blows the DIY cooking out the window. The two places in our area that we’ve identified as allowing us to DIY the food run $1600 (and an extra 1275 if we want to cook there the day prior), and $3200 for four hours, with additional set up time charged at $400/hr. The private historic houses that have been converted to wedding facilities in this area run $2000+ for the ceremony and often require the exclusive use of their caterer, which is not cheap ($75-115/head before taxes, tip, etc). Unfortunately we do not have a yard suitable for throwing a party – at least not without spending a large chunk of $$ on landscaping/seeding/tree removal.</p>

<p>takeitallin, you are my kind of wedding planner!</p>

<p>I’m mulling this $8-10k budget mentioned, and I’m thinking that it would be tight for 75-100 unless there were some serious efforts made at DIY/friends offering services. In NYC? No way, not with 150-200.</p>

<p>My SIL’s parents gave her and DH’s brother $20k for their wedding (or down payment) ten years ago. That got them a nice wedding for ~150 in north Jersey, though BIL and SIL still had to add some of their funds to the pot.</p>

<p>We had a buffet for 60 people at a catering facility in suburban Philly. I made my dress, the bridesmaids’, the chuppah, and made silk flower arrangements and bouquets, did the calligraphy myself, rented tuxes for the guys, with photographer and DJ – no video, no limo, a tray of subs for the rehearsal (family only), no brunch the following day. We paid for hotel and meals for DH’s family. We housed a dozen friends at our apartment for the weekend and fed them. The total came out to $4k in 1983, and that was considered pretty cheap even then. Certainly was not as fancy as many of the other weddings we attended after ours.</p>