<p>I confess I don’t get all the gushing here. I would be pretty horrified if my 24 y/o unmarried daughter with a history of bad decision making got pregnant. Yes, babies are cute, but it’s about the D, not about me and my enjoyment of infants. It’s a fact that plenty of women with a history of substance abuse and/or poor judgment are not magically cured by becoming a parent. In fact, people like this are typically COMPOUNDING their problems with an unplanned pregnancy.</p>
<p>That said, what is done is done, and I guess the parties are all moving forward as best as they can. At least the OP is ready and willing to be there and support her D and grandchild in the event this doesn’t end up being the happily ever after that the more optimistic posters are predicting.</p>
<p>Good luck to this family and best wishes for a healthy, happy baby.</p>
Because the baby is not the daughter. Because babies are blessings. Because Cromette is a precious member of our community and some of us have chosen to take the positive tack. Because, at the bottom, it is not Cromette’s decision and all she can do is make the best of it. This is supporting that.</p>
<p>If were were speaking to Cromette’s daughter directly, we might have other advice, but it is cromette who is our friend, so it would be very ugly to rub in her face things that she already knows.</p>
<p>^^^^One can express concern without it being “rubbing something in someone’s face.” There are millions of families in crisis because of these exact circumstances and expressing sympathy for it is a valid viewpoint as well. To read many of the comments, I would think this was a mature happy family who is celebrating the result of planning and a deep commitment between partners.</p>
<p>I also did acknowledge that for now it seems as though everyone is proceeding as best they can under the circumstances. I would not assume as others have, however, that the OPs daughter will be magically cured by motherhood. I think the OP will need to be very attuned to stress in her D’s life and her coping skills will need to be purposefully addressed and supported rather than assumed. </p>
<p>And * again,* sincere wishes for the best possible outcomes.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>While I agree that there is potential for a lot of problems here, it seems that there will be a lot of loving support available to this child. I think adoption is a wonderful option in certain circumstances, but I don’t see that as the only good option here.</p>
Again. We are responding to the grandmother-to-be. Who has already expressed her own concerns and clearly knows exactly what they are all up against. I can’t imagine expressing sympathy in this situation, I really can’t. Support, sure. Concern? Definitely. But sympathy? I usually reserve sympathy for a death in the family, but that’s just me.</p>
<p>And what would be totally reasonable to say to the mom-to-be is vastly different than what would say to the woman who isn’t in control of the situation but whose life will be changed by it.</p>
<p>Thanks, zoos…beautifully put. I’m not an IDIOT. I know it’s a scary situation…but as I said before, I see positive signs and I am hopeful. I have zero control over the situation. The encouraging words have brought me a little arbor of peace and comfort in a sea of worry. It is actually what I needed and frankly, what I knew I would find here. Thanks you guys!!! :)</p>
<p>I should add, I WAS horrifed, frightened, angry, grief-stricken, etc. I have just chosen not to camp out there. It’s not healthy for anyone.</p>
<p>The word horrified and baby are 2 words that don’t appear in my sentences nor sentiments. Just won’t happen.</p>
<p>As a single mom, teen mom, I KNOW how hard it is and can be. Positive thoughts and plans can lead to positive actions. Five happy (and some would say successful) kiddos later I do speak from experience, well except for the one in med school…he is SUCH a (insert word where you want to pull your hair out!) And know there can be FANTASTIC outcomes.</p>
<p>So again CONGRATS, a new Grandbaby is such a blessing. PERIOD. </p>
<p>JOY JOY JOY! Yep that’s me you hear yelling it from the rooftops. Enjoy, the time will fly…and that you KNOW will happen. In the blink of an eye.</p>
<p>I think it’s self-evident that Cromette is well aware of the possibility that this situation may not be all sunshine and roses going forward. I don’t think anyone needs to harp on what she already knows.</p>
<p>In any circumstances, a grandchild is very, very special. Moreover, Cromette has asked for turnaround stories.She wants to hear some good stories.</p>
<p>This baby, Cromette’s granddaughter, is going to be born. Cromette can’t go back in time and change the decisions that led to the pregnancy. Recriminations are useless and mean, and would tend to backfire on this innocent baby.</p>
<p>We are focusing on the baby and her grandmother. And it’s wonderful to have a grandchild (a joy that is in my far far future if it ever happens).</p>
<p>They are not words that come automatically to my mind, but in certain circumstances, yes. My D2 was rather a mess when she was 15. Had she become pregnant at that time, I would have been horrified. That is not the same thing as disparaging the baby. Same here given the past history.</p>
<p>The difference perhaps is that it seems that the OP is more than willing to be very involved and no matter the circumstances, will be happy to take whatever role is necessary in the child’s life-which will be a blessing to the child even if the parents keep it together and make past history permanent history. The child is already lucky in many ways. In re-reading the posts, it seems the mother to be is happy and ready to give her child her best.</p>
<p>I only met my mother’s Dad once and never met her Mom. I missed having that connection. Baby here will have that loving grandparent connection.</p>
<p>Cromette: I absolutely admire the tone you’re taking. What’s done is done and all you can do is take it from here. I see no point in focusing on the bad parts, but instead taking whatever joy can be found in this situation. And yes, in spite of the circumstances, there is joy in a grandchild. </p>
<p>I would not CHOOSE to have my 24 yr old unmarried daughter with poor decision making history become a mother either. But I don’t see where anybody asked Cromette if this was her choice. Now that it has happened, I see no problem with looking for whatever good can come of this and remaining joyful about it.</p>
<p>Congratulations and you know that you have our support from afar.
How wonderful!
I know it is difficult, but even the most anticipated changes are difficult.
And sometimes when we are pushed towards a new beginning sooner than we expected, it becomes a much greater blessing that we could have ever imagined.
:)</p>
<p>My H and I, between ourselves, were pretty gobstruck at the thought of becoming parents much younger and earlier than planned. But, committed as we were to each other, there was really no other choice that made sense to us. So we very solidly and positively conveyed our commitment to our new future as a family to everyone, much as Cromette is committing to her new grandchild. Yet more than one person hinted, or actually ASKED us, “why aren’t you getting an abortion?”</p>
<p>I still can’t fathom why anyone thought that was an appropriate question.</p>
<p>And I’m still in a glow from watching that wonderful baby girl grow up to a wonderful young woman whose wedding we celebrated this summer.</p>
<p>Cromette - this happened to a good friend of mine. She and her H were well educated, she was a SAH and he was an executive, their kids had everything and oodles of parental love and guidance … And one went “bad.” Got involved w drugs, dropped out of college, got hs girlfriend pregnant and long story short was a father at age 19. </p>
<p>While it’s not the ideal situation, maybe this can be the turning point. This is the time to be supportive and compassionate. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>When I had my first child I was 21, gainfully employed, married…with not one brain cell in my head.</p>
<p>I don’t think ANYONE is completely prepared for parenthood.</p>
<p>Most of us do foolish things as young people - to one degree or another…and then we grow up - sometimes…actually OFTEN because of the first kid.</p>
<p>I have watched a young relative by marriage be transformed by her beautiful baby boy. Her pictures on facebook over the past few years were cringe worthy, lots of heavy partying, left school, just not a good looking crowd. She had the baby this past spring and he is her whole world. She’s never looked so happy, and while not married to the father, they live together and he has a decent enough job. Sure, it’s not the best situation, it would be better if they were more financially secure and married, but this baby is very, very loved and cared for. So I wish the best to you cromette for a similar outcome. Babies have amazing powers.</p>
<p>Cromette, I’ve only read excerpts, but Ann Lamott’s story of her teenage son’s unexpected fatherhood and her becoming a grandmother–Some Assembly Required-- sounds like a good read for you.</p>
<p>Lamott was first known as a fiction writer and a writer about writing. She became wider known because of her memoir about bringing up her son (Operating Instructions). Her stuff now is mostly faith-based, but in an extremely undoctrinal, unproselytizing manner, and she’s very, very funny.</p>
Yes, I have decided to be joyful. :)</p>