What do I do?

Parent Cafe
41

<p>HP,
When you are at your parents’, could they drive you to a place where there is some shopping/bookstores/restaurants? Then, maybe pick you up a few hours later? You could look for work clothes/stuff for your apt and when you have down time, spend a few hours in a bookstore w/an iced drink and some good books/magazines. All those things are sometimes actually <em>more</em> fun when you don’t have someone w/you. </p>

<p>As was mentioned, working out (in any form) is great for getting your mind disengaged from what’s bothering you. Could you do a short-term membership at a local gym? (even for a week or so…some offer trial memberships). It would be fun to try something new there (yoga, pilates if you haven’t done them before). Often a gym will give you a complimentary personal training session—not a bad scenario—well-muscled, attractive guy giving you tips on weight training (sure to lift your mood).</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>PS I found no contact (zero, zilch) is usually the best way to go. I would say, “No contact…it will distract me.”</p>

42

<p>“My boyfriend throughout college wants nothing to do with me after graduation, not even to be friends.” and “And he just wants a new start and to have nothing to do with me.”</p>

<p>So, what is he doing “talking” to you on line? He is sending you mixed messages. Best thing to do - start putting yourself first. Stop “talking” to him on line.</p>

<p>How many girlfriends do you have? Did your boyfriend take priority over your friends? Start re-establishing contact with your best girlfriends. If you don’t have any make certain you make one of your priorities friends - they will always be there for you and they will support you.</p>

<p>So, you are about 20-22 years old and your life is just beginning. Because of this guy you feel broken and torn. You are giving your former boyfriend power over you by feeling this way. He doesn’t deserve that power and you need to take it away from him.</p>

<p>Put yourself first - make a list of all the things you ever wanted to do, but never did because you didn’t have the time or your boyfriend never wanted to do them with you. You need to take charge of your own life.</p>

<p>It will get easier once you graduate and start your new job. I would advise telling former bf that since he wants nothing to do with you, you have decided it is best that you not maintain contact on line. This puts you in charge. If he keeps contacting you block his address or whatever else you need to do. Otherwise he will continue to affect your life and your feelings.</p>

43

<p>As hard as it is to cut all contact, it will help you to get closure and move on. As long as you continue to chat on line, you’ll be checking your email, your facebook, your texts, etc to see if he wrote. That will keep you from healing. If you tell yourself (and him) that you don’t want, and wont be in contact at this time, but that perhaps in the future when you are feeling better that you may keep in touch then, it leaves the door open if you want it to be, but it lets your turn to healing now. </p>

<p>It does take time to heal. They say that it takes half again as long as you were in the relationship to truly get past it. And the opposite of love is not hate-- the opposite of love is indifference. You’ll know you are truly “over” him when you don’t have any emotional reaction to him. Hang in there-- you will feel better. I remember it taking a long time to get over my breakup with the guy I dated in grad school (for 3 years). But I am happily married (soon to be for 24 yrs) and I am very glad I did not marry my former boyfriend. It would not have worked. Love and happiness will follow. Hang in there. You are young.</p>

44

<p>The guy may be doing what’s best for both of them. He probably thought he had to be the one to break up because there was no future for ther, and he knew OP wouldn’t be strong enough to do it. That being said, it is best to cut off all communications until the wound isn’t so raw. Break up is never easy, or there wouldn’t be so many great songs written about it.</p>

<p>The important thing to remember is not to blame yourself for the break up - don’t go down the route of thinking if I have done this or that then maybe he wouldn’t have broken up with me. We have all done it, and it only detroys your confidence in yourself. Over time, you may see that he has done both of you a favor, and MAYBE you could be friends then.</p>

45

<p>HP, how are you feeling today? Have you been able to get out of the house to do anything yet? What are your thoughts about what some of the posters have shared about cutting off all contact?</p>

46

<p>Thanks again to everyone. Unfortunately, I am not feeling much better. At times, I think I do, but then the sadness just comes back. I wanted to cut off contact, and I was almost ready to do it, but in the end I couldn’t go through with it. I know that probably makes me weak, and that I am making it worse for myself, but I just can’t face how much that hurts.</p>

47

<p>I am sorry to be repetitious, but what about limiting contact?</p>

<p>Perhaps establish some control by limiting contact to certain days, times of day, whatever. Then build on that control, aiming to reduce contact over time.</p>

<p>When do you start your job?</p>

48

<p>I am trying to limit contact actually, and I start my job next Monday.</p>

49

<p>I think you ARE feeling better. That the sadness comes back isn’t what you focus on. Take note of the fact that at times you do feel better. You are going to have twinges of sadness for a long time, but they are going to start getting shorter and farther apart. That’s progress.</p>

<p>Before my parent died, I thought grief would just keep getting fainter every day and eventually go away completely. Unfortunately that’s not exactly the way it works. It does get a little easier every day/week/month/year, but then something will happen or there will be a milestone or an anniversary and the grief will be intense again for a while.</p>

<p>I think when you have contact with the jerk it reignites the sadness.</p>

<p>Have you thought about trying eHarmony or match.com or some other website to start meeting some people in the area to which you will be moving?</p>

50

<p>HP, what do you guys talk about when you talk online? If you are dwelling on the end of the relationship, though I know that is absolutely the top thing on your mind, then I think you are making it harder on yourself.</p>

<p>Along with limiting the contact, perhaps you could make sure to steer the conversation towards your new job, what you are looking forward to, or about his after-graduation plans.</p>

<p>He will respect you a lot more if he sees you as someone who can have a life without him. I know it sounds a bit backwards, but guys often despise girls who are really needy…“oh, I can’t live without you” and all that. It might help ease your pain somewhat to know that you are someone he admires, rather than someone he feels sorry for.</p>

<p>I had a boyfriend who I dated off and on all through high school. I was so in love with him, and he didn’t appreciate me at all. I wish I could say that finally I broke up with him, but no…he finally broke up with me. </p>

<p>Having tried all the begging and pleading for the whole relationship, I decided to go out with someone else to make him jealous (remember, this was high school :slight_smile: ). Well, I did, and I liked the guy I went out with pretty well (though I was still in love with the old boyfriend), so we kept dating. Sure enough, a year or so later old b/f came around proclaiming what a fool he had been, etc. And I’ll admit it, I was tempted. I even went out with him once when new b/f and I broke up temporarily. I’m so glad I did that. The whole date was awkward and weird. Whatever we’d had once was gone. I was over him. New b/f and I got married and lived happily ever after. :)</p>

<p>I know that you are probably holding out hope that you and your b/f will get back together. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But…if he is only still talking to you because he feels bad that you are hurting so much, then it won’t ever happen. He is seeing you as someone to pity, and guys don’t love someone they pity. You can find out if that’s true by asking him why he is still talking to you since he said he didn’t want to be friends any more.</p>

51

<p>Timely, that sounds exactly like me. Except I am not in high school, so you’d think I would be wiser by now. I wish I could have an ending like yours and found happiness.</p>

52

<p>Help_Please, is he initiating the contact with you, after he told you he didn’t want to be in a relationship any more? If so, he is being very, very cruel. </p>

<p>If you are the one initiating contact, you are being very self destructive. </p>

<p>Put the computer and the cell phone away - lock them up in the trunk of your car for the weekend if you have to.</p>

53

<p>Congratulations on working on limiting contact! This is progress. </p>

<p>Keep at it, try to have a plan to steadily reduce contact. </p>

<p>You can have a good ending, you can find happiness.</p>

<p>I think you will. :)</p>

<hr>

<p>I hope you’ll let us know how you like your new job!</p>

54

<p>latetoschool,</p>

<p>What he means by not being friends is not seeing each other in person. We agreed from the beginning that we would still talk online (just about work, etc.) to make it easier. That was my idea though.</p>

55

<p>ADad, I definitely will!</p>

<p>Sometimes I just wish I could skip this stage of life and wake up with a job and happy personal life. I know nothing is perfect, but at least everything wouldn’t be so uncertain.</p>

56

<p>This will get easier when you start your new job and get very busy with new, interesting things. When you get deeply engaged in your new environment, the day will come rather quickly when you simply do not have time to answer his emails, text messages, etc. </p>

<p>I would advise taking any action at all to break contact though. For one thing, it will help you recover faster; for another, he cannot start to miss you and perhaps regret his actions (and perhaps rethink his decision??) if you are still very available, and needy.</p>

57

<p>I agree that breaking contact is the best thing. I know it will be hard, but I think it is essential to your healing process. You need to realize that you can build a life on your own. YOU CAN!!! If you cling to this young man for support, you are living in a past that is over. Please strike out on your own without him. If you do not have any other friends to lean on … well, frankly, I think that is all the more reason to break contact & move toward a new future. If you do have friends to lean on, you can do without the young man. Either way, this points to “no former flame” in my book.</p>

<p>Years ago, a young woman from my church was engaged to her college sweetheart. This young woman had grown up in the church & her parents were very active … so EVERYONE was invited to her wedding & reception via our chuch bulletin. A week … yes, A WEEK … before the wedding, he called it off. The young woman was not only heartbroken, but she felt publicly humiliated.</p>

<p>Several years later, this young woman met a wonderful man in her community theater group. They married & had a BEAUTIFUL little boy. One day, their baby got very sick. Dad was a doctor, and he knew something was very wrong. Baby was rushed to the hospital, and the parents learned that he was dying from 2 kinds of leukemia. The death was quick & devastating. A year later, they were expecting another baby … and this baby was riddled with tumors & did not make it to term. </p>

<p>How could this young woman possibly deal with all of the sorrow sent her way? She dealt with it because she married the <em>right</em> man, after all. Together, they made it through & they had a tremendous bond as husband and wife. Today, they have two beautiful, healthy toddlers. </p>

<p>In my book of life, things seem to happen for a reason. We may not understand the reason … but if we face it as if it was happening for a purpose, we will most likely find that purpose … embrace it … and find ourselves happy in the end. </p>

<p>I hope that you can find some inspiration in our posts. I am certain that happiness is in your future. Perhaps it will not be in the form you had expected, but it will find you, just the same.</p>

58

<p>Timely, that was such good advice and an amazing story!</p>

59

<p>Think of it as a death. You have lost your sense of safety. You feel very alone. It takes time and tears. If it had not been such a meaningful relationship for you then you would not be in so much pain. Think of your pain as an acknowledgement that this was real, it was deep and it is gone. You also sound afraid.
Every single day, get out of the house. Make your mission buying a stamp. Even in this new small town without a car you can make this one mission-out of the house, one smile to a clerk, eye contact with strangers.
You sound like a thoughtful person.
I wish you the best.
My own thought-I have never met anyone who has wisdom and maturity who has not suffered at some point in their life.
Oh! somehow I missed the last two pages --looks like things have moved on…Good Luck!</p>

60

<p>I just moved into my first apartment. I should be so happy. I am in the city I have dreamed of living in and finally can support myself and start my own life. But I just feel so sad and lonely. My parents left, and everyone is so far away. I know I should go outside and explore (and in the past that is EXACTLY what I would have done), but right now, I just don’t feel like going anywhere…</p>