If you have been arguing with them about it, it’s time for that to stop. If they bring it up, calmly tell them there is nothing more to discuss and leave the room. Arguing just gives them the idea that they can change the situation if they stick at it long enough. And don’t expect to change them, either. They will or they won’t. Yelling around about it won’t change that.
And you need to find support from elsewhere if they are not going to help you (I don’t mean financial, although you may have to get a job and get out, as well).
I have to admit, I would probably initially deny my child’s feelings. But I would hope it would take me just a day or two to come around. And then, as I said before, I’d love my kid.
I agree with the messages above, that for you, the important thing is that you take care of your emotions and your well being. Your parents are adults and can take care of their own emotions and responses.
While this is probably not easy, the more that you can confidently move forward into your adult identity, the faster your parents’ transition will take place, in all probability.
Finding friends and mentors to rely on will also be important. Maybe your guidance counselor at your school. Maybe your doctor that you’ve been seeing. Maybe you already have a therapist or can start going to therapy. Maybe someone at your church or temple or at school there may be an LGTBQ+ group to support you. Generating that support system will be helpful for you.
OP needs a solid support system. Hopefully that support begins at home. If that isn’t coming quickly or naturally, this can make the situation extremely tough for a kid. I think I would be very careful in telling a young person how to deal with such parents, for fear of driving a wedge between them and exacerbating the situation.
@cafowogor : I would like to talk to you off thread, but you do not have enough posts yet to activate PM here. My experience is based on things that are other peoples’ privacy, and therefore I do not feel free to share them here.
@cafowogor I’m sorry your parents haven’t been supportive. I hope someday they manage to come around and accept you. Until then, I hope you are able to love yourself and find the support you need elsewhere.
I suspect there are many other parents reading the thread who haven’t commented but wouldn’t be as accepting as those who did comment. This means your parents aren’t the only ones (which means it’s not your fault, it isn’t yet another thing to make you feel different than most others), and it also means there are many people out there who will accept and support you. Find those people, you “tribe”, your “family”, your people. They may need you as much as you need them.
@mom2twogirls: I agree. I think there are other parents reading the thread who haven’t commented aren’t as accepting as those who did. Can’t believe we still have “debates” over bathroom bills…and these are the same individuals we could be interacting with on a daily basis. I sometimes wish there would be more active supporters who are cis out there in the real world, rather than being “other-ed” as just lgbtq+ or freaks. I think some voices from people who are born cis would carry a lot of weight and would really help a lot.
I haven’t commented but am very supportive of you, OP. I wish you all the best and I hope your parents can see that you are still the same wonderful person.
@cafowogor I’m cisgender and have had several trans students over the years. I am vocal about my support on my campus as are many (most?) of my colleagues. I like to think that I set an example for the other students in my classes. I’ve been a determined advocate for policy change to support trans students and faculty/staff at my school. As you can see in this tread, we are here. We support you.
I don’t have experience with transgender news, but I was on the receiving end of some very upsetting news from one of my kids.
It does change how I look at her. That is, it has altered the “story” I had about her in my head.
I’m grateful I had the space and time to find some peace with it. I didn’t have a tantrum, but I was twisted in knots about it for quite some time. I realize part of it was dreading having “to explain” to others, and part of it was worry about her future. What does it all mean? Why did this happen? Is she ok?
It helped to talk to a therapist and get encouraging advice on ways to show my unconditional love & support, and also learn to be more patient with myself.
This has to be very tough for you. I would encourage you to continue to speak openly with your parents but also try to understand them as well. Kubler Ross has described the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Keep in mind your parents are grieving also. I feel as if I would personally accept your identity but that I would go through these stages. Although my love for my child would not change I would be grieving the loss of the son I have known while coming to acceptance of having a daughter. Keep working with them and I bet they will eventually come to acceptance.
I get what you are saying @cafowogor and it would be nice. I think though that many people are just really absorbed in the issues that are more directly effecting them and their loved ones. As issues like this have become more openly discussed, I think more people have become more active and outwardly supportive. I think a lot of people don’t intend to be seen as unsupportive.
I know my own kids probably didn’t notice or think about transgender issues much until a year or so ago. For various reasons, from IRL things to political discussions like the bathroom bills to tv situations, it came to the forefront more. They are introverts and aren’t going to be vocally loud. That doesn’t mean they (and their friends) don’t find their own ways to be supportive.
I’m sorry OP that you are finding it difficult getting the unconditional love and acceptance that you were hoping your parents and loved ones would provide. As others have indicated, it can take us elders a bit of time to adjust to changes as to how we THOUGHT things to how they are.
This is a bit different, but as an example, I and my kids were diagnosed with different chronic health conditions nearly two decades ago. This has required some significant changes in all of our mindsets. To this day, my extended family has various levels of acceptance/denial about our health and conditions. I know they love us in their way, but it is painful that most really don’t understand and make little to no effort to after all this time.
I have created a nonprofit with support groups and an annual education day to help others not be as isolated as I have been in my journey, so that is part of my silver lining. I have also learned to be an advocate for myself and find good and supportive mentors. I have helped my kids get the care they need and remain covered under our family plan until they qualify their their own policies.
I know it’s not the same as the pain and disconnect you are likely experiencing but just want to let you know that in some measure many folks have families that are pretty frustrating.
OK. First of all, I will love my children no matter what. There is nothing either of them could do to ever lose my love for them. I don’t think I would have a problem buying women’s clothes for her. But I’m a little confused - why would I be buying clothes for an adult? I would make sure that my child received quite a bit of counseling and therapy because there are some instances where trauma can cause gender dysphoria and I would want to make sure that any unhealed wounds are addressed. If my child were to consider surgery and transition, I would find everything I could for her to read about it, including stories of those who have transitioned and then regretted it. I would stress that it is a very, very serious decision and I would make sure that she is fully aware of any and all health risks. If my child were still under the age of 21, I think I would highly discourage surgery and plead with her to postpone it until she was a bit older and her frontal lobe fully developed.
I would be accepting of my cihld, for sure. But, to be entirely honest, it would put my family between a rock and a hard place, as we have close family members who absolutely would NOT be accepting. This is on my and my husband’s sides of the family and we would probably lose their support and possibly have to cut off contact with them. It would not be easy to chose between a child and the rest of the family. I’d also be terrified for all the problems my child would face as transgender.
In other words, I think I’d be really stressed about it. I’d still love my child and support them, but the outside pressures would be huge. And maybe OPs parents have some issues like that to deal with.
@bhs1978 You’re giving very kind advice and very supportive, but I want to correct the Kubler Ross part of your response, as gently as I can in this forum. Her theory is based on no research on grieving people (but were observational studies on people who were dying and then she extended that to grief–not necessarily a solid step to take) and hasn’t stood the test of research. Her theory remains, like horoscopes, active in the minds of many people, but isn’t reliable. It may be that people grieve but actual research on grief and trauma shows that, for example, many people who have experienced a loss or a potentially traumatic event experience no grief and no traumatic reactions-- like none at all. A surprising portion of people experience no or minimal negative reactions. There are no stages, then, to go through. What the research is showing is that there are four basic types of grief reactions. One, as I said, is no grief at all. The other three are some pattern of recovery, but different. Also grief reactions, when and if they do occur, are often varied. Some reactions look counterintuitive, like laughing and sometimes laughing a lot. Think of an Irish Wake. The research shows that laughter is healthy. It doesn’t mean that crying is bad, mind you, because there are a variety of grief reactions, but the research shows that the more someone can laugh or smile after the loss or potential trauma*, the healthier that person is and will be over time.
potential trauma -- using this term because even if you've experienced a major event that most people colloquially call "trauma" you personally may not be traumatized. A surprising percentage of people who have been through major potentially traumatic events, in fact the majority, experience no trauma symptoms. And they do not necessarily experience those symptoms later, either. I'm talking such major events as war experience, being in the towers on 9/11, and the like. People are amazingly resilient.
@cafowogor I cannot believe we feel any need to discuss bathrooms at all. It just makes life difficult for kids (and adults) who do not need more difficulties. It has got to be a difficult and confusing time for you. But there are adults out there who will stand up and tell others to back off. You just need to find them. And I wish we could help you with that. Is there an lgbtq office at your school or your town?
I’m sorry I did not think your post was real, and I pray your parents did not actually say that “waste of resources” thing to you. That would be unbelievable, but I guess I may live in a bubble where parents are more liberal. Or as you say, appear to be liberal when it not their own kid (NIMBY/NTOK).
If the user agrees, you can always initiate the PM. A user with <15 posts cannot initiate a PM, but can respond to a PM. However the publishing of email addresses on this site is not allowed. You can certainly trade emails addresses via PM and then continue the conversation that way, if preferred. Thank you.