<p>I am still wondering what is it that you expect of your parents. They have talked to you, it sounds like, as much as they are currently ready for about being gay</p>
<p>Ok since expect isn’t clear enough.
What response are you anticipating?When we tell someone somethng that they already know- is it because we are looking for a reaction other than which they have already given?</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m going to be surrounded by people connected to us so I won’t be able to do that.</p>
<p>Thanks historymom! </p>
<p>The thing is I can’t seek that help. First off, who would take me? Lol.</p>
<p>They don’t know. My dad “knows” but I’m guessing he believes it’s just an impulse or a phase on which I have decided, because of my religious convictions, that I will not “act upon”. </p>
<p>And my mom doesn’t know, other than moms’ sixth sense.</p>
<p>I think you will discover once you get to college that the world is HUGE, and those people who you fear will be nada to you…and if all they have to do is gossip about you and what you are doing, that is just so sad</p>
<p>Secondly, I can almost guarantee you that at least one of those people you are worried about is also gay, statistically, that is a fact, so you may be surprised at what develops and changes</p>
<p>As well, college isn’t this place where everyone is in everyone’s business all the time, they are too busy with their own stuff</p>
<p>I bet you are used to a small social circle…and when you get to that campus, its gonna be like, YES, different people, different attitudes, etc</p>
<p>And would be okay to go to a meeting of GLBT students, and unless those people you are worried about are stalking you and your actions, or staking out those meetings, you don’t have anything to worry about- cause if those people are indeed doing anything like that, it wil be handled by the school, and I can bet you those people you are worried about wil be busy doing their own thing, and who wants to bet it won’t be all prim and proper and such</p>
<p>So, don’t fear so much about what people might say and tattle back to your home town…that just shows how immature, small minded and pathetic they are</p>
<p>Again, I think you wil be suprised once you get to school</p>
<p>My D has about 30 kids at her college who went to HS with her, she barely sees them, ever</p>
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<p>So if I understand what you have posted- your parents hope it was just a phase, your dad emphasizes that he doesn’t treat his gay nephews differently- however the religion of which your parents and family belong and strongly follow- demands that families break contact with a member who is homosexual.</p>
<p>Frankly- while I understand your desire to be “known”, I also wonder that if the risk of forcing your parents to choose between their religion and their son, is worth the satisfaction to have no way for your parents to avoid the issue before you go off to college.</p>
<p>My dad hopes it was a phase. My mom doesn’t know.</p>
<p>I see your point Emerald. But what do you suggest/imply?</p>
<p>Here’s my suggestion… and it will make alot here mad, because they are better nurturers than I. But here goes.</p>
<p>Why say anything at all? Why not just let it be and go do your thing, why does it have to be a coming out all with drama? This is not homophobic it’s consideration for others. There are many things my mom doesn’t know to this day (pushing 50) that I never said because I KNEW it would hurt her. There were many things I tried in my life, that if she KNEW would hurt her. It never meant I stopped doing them, I just didn’t make it an issue of seeking acceptence. I didn’t need their approval to do these things, and I chose not to rub in their faces while I did them. </p>
<p>Sometimes relieving yourself or your conscience might make you feel better, but hurts a person you love. You need to look at the situation and honestly ask yourself… who’s stronger, me or mom? If you are the weaker, I guess there’s nothing you can do but say something. </p>
<p>Just be yourself, you don’t have to apologize for who you are. However, straight or gay or inbetween, you do have to show consideration for those who love you. If they haven’t figured it out yet, they will. Let them do it on their terms at their speed. You? just do your thing and be happy. Absolutely no need to force the issue. It’s your sexual preference for god’s sake, it’s not like who ya gonna vote for?</p>
<p>I guess there are other implications besides just saying “I like guys”. </p>
<p>Ultimately, in my opinion it could be characterized as selfish from either party: on my part because in a way, though not really, it’s freeing my conscience, and from the other, because she’s losing a lot of her aspirations.</p>
<p>But I don’t think I’m going to let my parents die never knowing, I think that in itself is something I could never ever live with.</p>
<p>I think nothing will get better if people don’t see that their children can be gay or lesbians, and that they are still good, loving, decent caring people…this fear that people have (and to me the “bible” thing is just an excuse- its like one line that people hold onto, while ignoring lots and lots of other oneliners)</p>
<p>You don’t need to be a poster child for gay rights, you should tell your parents, but realize it may take time (sadly) for them to embrace it, if ever.</p>
<p>I don’t know, I don’t find you need to be too considerate over a long time of people who hate…I understand the benefit of maybe taking it graciously with family members, but it this "oh they are so sensitive holding onto their disdain, heaven forbid they should consider how their child is feeling</p>
<p>I get the need to be gentle with family members, but at the same time, the parents need to be gentle and understanding of of their offspring</p>
<p>Okay, here’s two things. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>If either of my children told me they were gay, my primary concern would be that they were practicing safer sex – just like if they’re het. And that would be it. So I guess that explains where I am coming from. </p></li>
<li><p>I know that people are saying, “Don’t tell, it just hurts people.” And you know, I know why they say that, and I understand it. But I also know how painful it is <em>for</em> gay people, to have to hide more and more. Because what happens is, it snowballs, and what started as just “I’m not telling them to be considerate” becomes “I am not talking about my new love to be considerate” becomes “I am not bringing home my sweetie for the holidays, to be considerate” becomes “I am making up little lies, pretending I’m one place when I’m another, and basically living a lie, because it’s more considerate than telling them.” </p></li>
</ol>
<p>It doesn’t mean you’re weak if you want to tell them. It doesn’t mean that you’re selfish, or thoughtless, or inconsiderate. It can mean that you want to be up front about who you are, rather than starting down a path that will only cause more problems later on, and lead to hurt feelings, <em>and</em> hurt you. Because trust me, that hurts. </p>
<p>I have a good friend who spent years not telling his parents explicitly. They had guessed, but there was a lot of subtle pressure not to say anything, because I think everyone involved hoped he would outgrow it. Years passed, and his older and younger siblings got married, had children, had all sorts of milestones, and the family would say things like, “It’s a shame there’s no one in your life” or things like that. They would have big family holidays with all the children and grandchildren, and people would act like there was something socially wrong with my friend that he didn’t have someone with him. But all of that, it was just a charade. The truth was, he had long term partners, and he had a family, too – but in the interests of continuing to be “considerate”, he had to keep that family out of the holiday celebrations. </p>
<p>No one starts out thinking, “In 20 years, I will be hiding my long term relationship and my life from my family, and they will tease me every Thanksgiving and Christmas because I still don’t have a wife.” But you know, you make little compromises, and one day, there you are, being someone you’re not to make people who are supposed to love <em>you</em> happy – even though the person they “love” is someone you’re pretending to be. </p>
<p>Be honest, but not pushy. Say, “This is who I think I am, but I know I’m young, and I know you think it’s a phase. If I change, I’ll let you know, but right now, this is me, this is my life. I am telling you because I respect you, because I want to honor you as my parents by being honest with you. I don’t want to pretend, because I care about you more than that.” Then, honestly, go to college. Live your life. Find a support group for young GBLT youth, or a coming out support group. In 20 years, you will be thankful that you did this for yourself and your family.</p>
<p>Thanks for your advice TrinSF. I don’t think it’s selfish for me to tell them. I take it as an insult to not tell them, actually.</p>
<p>CityGirlsMom, I think I like what you wrote, but could you expand on:</p>
<p>“(and to me the “bible” thing is just an excuse- its like one line that people hold onto, while ignoring lots and lots of other oneliners)”.</p>
<p>anotherusername, my H’s best friend (let’s call him John) from childhood is gay. He never actually told any of us. Over the years, we just kind of figured it out. I suppose he would have told us if we had asked. We did not, for two reasons: 1) what if he wasn’t?, 2) it didn’t make a difference to us, anyway. When we were in our late 20’s, the parents of another of H’s good friends asked H if John is gay … so we weren’t the only ones who wondered. When we were in our 30’s, John came out to his parents, who quietly let good friends know. John’s dad, a retired military man, told him he had suspected it for some time. His parents were cool with it. John’s sister, however, had a very difficult time with it. She is very religious & her denomination believes that homosexuality is somehow worse than other sins (personally, I didn’t know there was a point system, but I digress). She constantly told him she was praying for him to change. It has been around 15 years since John came out, and during that time his sister has come to accept her brother & his very long time partner. She embraces them as family. I suppose she still prays for them to change, but she does not do so vocally anymore. Time often heals.</p>
<p>I imagine those close to you suspect you may be gay. If you feel that you are hiding something from those you love, you may decide that you are living a lie. In this case, you may wish to come out. However, if you do not feel that you are actually hiding anything other than your attraction to guys … I wonder if it is necessary to come out. I didn’t run around professing my heterosexual tendencies at your age. You don’t owe anyone any kind of explanation. If you get to the point where you will be bringing someone home to meet your family, you would most likely want to prepare them. Until that time, I am not sure you necessarily need to trumpet your sexual preference.</p>
<p>That’s just my two cents. You are the only one who can decide what is best for you.</p>
<p>Thanks for your advice kelsmom.</p>
<p>Could you explain what you mean by:</p>
<p>“I imagine those close to you suspect you may be gay. If you feel that you are hiding something from those you love, you may decide that you are living a lie. In this case, you may wish to come out. However, if you do not feel that you are actually hiding anything other than your attraction to guys … I wonder if it is necessary to come out.”</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>I think you stated somewhere along the line that you think your dad may know? I think that often is the case … people do know, even if they are not “told.” </p>
<p>If you strongly feel that you are not being truthful to yourself and/or to your parents if you don’t actually come right out and tell them, you might feel that you are hiding something. Only you can decide if this is the case for you. I know that some gay people feel they are “living a lie” before they come out. If you feel that way, then you might decide that coming out is best for you.</p>
<p>From my own point of view, not saying anything is NOT “hiding” anything. My belief is that being gay is not a lifestyle … it’s a different sexual orientation. So for me, your being gay means you like guys. If you were straight, would you be telling your parents that you plan to date girls in college? Probably not. So do you need to tell them that you will be dating guys? It’s not that I wouldn’t want my kid to tell me if he was gay … it’s just that I am not sure he would NEED to tell me. </p>
<p>Your first post makes it clear that you want to tell. That’s fine. I guess I just wanted to let you know that it’s okay if you decide not to tell, too.</p>
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</p>
<p>A good Lesbian friend told me that “her” world is made up of two types – i.e. women like her who always knew they were into women, and women who for reasons of disappointment, anger, trendiness, etc. get into women. </p>
<p>Assuming these observations of this friend of mine are true, I don’t think the same things guide men as much, and there is scientific research that backs this up. Men are more hardwired for one or the other. There is a whole swath of women, on the other hand, who go with the flow and end up with women. But there are other women who are also hard-wired.</p>
<p>■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■■ the parents…</p>
<p>I wasn’t trying to imply that you not tell them ever- that you should be “closeted”- and only you know the atmosphere at your house and what they may be ready for.
But my sister also lives in a world of strict dictates & I have seen kids push their parents into a corner- some people aren’t ready to think outside of the track that their mind runs along.
It wasn’t a big deal to me, when my daughter " came out", however I was surprised I guess- although I had just figured that she was more into horses than boys ( well she was 
)
But even still, I was surprised that she had come out to her classmates a long time before I found out.</p>
<p>I wasn’t hurt- just mystified, because I had no clue.
I guess my gaydar is down.</p>
<p>What is it that for you, as a parent would cause the most discomfort?</p>
<p>Having them flunk out of college would cause the most discomfort. I don’t really care about my kids’ sexual orientation, so talking about it with my kids is kind of a non-issue - they had the safe sex talks with me and their other parent, and it was geared towards sex with same and opposite sex partners, so I figure they are good to go, either way. </p>
<p>If you do decide to come out, would it be easier after you get to college - that way you can find a great support network of people who know you as gay and love you, some gay friends who understand the coming out experience with religious parents, and some shoulders to cry on if the ‘talk’ is a tough one, which it sounds like it might be.</p>
<p>I wish my parents thought like all of you in regards to the gay-issue!</p>
<p>Perhaps it would be best to wait until after college and try to not be discovered by my church?</p>
<p>To my family, it’s all about God on this issue. Actually, it’s all about God on every issue.</p>
<p>I guess it’s great that all of you are so open-minded, but it would be great to hear “conservative” parents’ perspectives, since that is what my parents are.</p>
<p>Your mom might sort if know but not know and not want to know. I really feel for you. Tuition is a concern. My advice would be that you wait before you explicitly tell them. Try getting through at least your freshman year with the “don’t ask, don’t tell” thing going. Coming out, in a conservative family, is hard enough to do at 22. The kids who we know who have come out to their parents when young had liberal parents. </p>
<p>There is a conservative side in an in-law’s family and when someone came out in that group, it was not a pretty sight; it really stressed out the older relatives. FWIW, over time, it really became fine, but the first few years were rough. I just hate to have you have to go through those first rough few years while you are also undergoing the stresses of college. And tuition is a concern.</p>