<p>In my opinioin, give parents and people some credit. Will they be concerned, of course, because for some folks, they will think this will mean a harder life. Does it have to be, no. I don’t know what state you live in but time is a changing. In my company, gay parents routinely take parental leave; in many states the nonbiological parent can adopt; state law requires payment of medical expenses to conceive without a finding of infertility, etc. Being gay is a non issue in many areas of this country. Children of gay couples are in schools across this country, their parents are watching their children from the bleachers, attending parent teacher conferences and loving their children just like heterosexual parents do. I was at a college sponsored alumni event this weekend and the president of the college specifically spoke about making the college a welcoming place for all students including gays. Difficulties are only perpetuated by making this a bigger deal than it is. You are gay; there is nothing wrong with you. Be sensitive to your parents; assure them you have a support system in place; consider the timing of the news (a consideration for me would be weather you want to be around for a while after you tell them, or let them process it while you are gone). May you have the courage of your convictions and may the folks in your life step to the plate and support you and other families going through this same process.</p>
<p>We have friends who are openly gay as well as friends who have chosen not to specify their sexual orientation to friends and family members. anotherusername, this is up to you - how public do you want to be regarding this issue? It sounds to me as if you’d be relieved to have your parents know. Certainly it’s a burden to feel as if you’re carrying a secret around. But you have to be prepared for their initial reaction. If you’d truly be excommunicated from their lives, how would you manage, financially and in other ways? Are you ready to take on the task of being completely independent at such a young age? </p>
<p>I’d hope that my daughters would tell me - or at least that they’d feel they didn’t have to hide such an important piece of their identities from me - but that’s us, and we have no religious prohibitions to consider. Their particular faith is enormously important to your parents, as you’ve told us. It may take them a very long time to reconcile with the issue of your sexuality, and they may never manage to do it. Though they may also surprise you and be more accepting than you think, especially if you give them some time. I think that the number of fundamentalist parents who would actually completely cut their children out of their lives because of this issue is small, whatever they may say before they are faced with the reality of having a child who is gay.</p>
<p>I think cgm’s bible reference is that there are a lot of laws in Leviticus and many of them sound completely ridiculous now and are ignored by almost everyone, but the gay line is cherry-picked out and held up as law while many other laws about clothing and burnt offerings etc. are seen to be things of the past.</p>
<p>bethievt, your are absolutely right. And if the OP looks at the link I provided he may understand that there are translation issues which cast into doubt the simplistic understanding of those lines.</p>
<p>I have already advocated waiting to tell your parents until you are in a committed relationship in this thread, but here is another reason why.</p>
<p>Rightly or wrongly, many parents do not like to envision their teenagers having sex (whether gay or straight), especially while the teenager is still residing in their home. They don’t want to know about it. (It goes the other way too - teenagers don’t like to envision their parents having sex either!) These parents have an easier time with it when their kids are gone off to college, making their own decisions, out of sight of the parents.</p>
<p>“Being gay” is a concept that for some people, only exists once a person has actually had sex with a same sex partner. Prior to that event, many people assume a person only thinks they might be gay. (Obviously, gays will claim this is not true).</p>
<p>If your parents are of the type I have described, which it sounds as though they might be, then your disclosure that you are gay is tantamount to telling them you are having sex right now as a teenager living in their home. For them, it could be more than they want to know.</p>
<p>Could you maybe make an appointment with a minister from a more liberal
Christian persuasion (ie Episcopal) to talk with about this? Maybe they could come up with a way to break the news to your parents with a religious slant to it. If one of my kids were gay I sure hope they could tell me. I’d want them OUT of our area, though. Very intolerant, conservative and judgemental, unfortunately.</p>
<p>anotherusername:</p>
<p>I gather that you would like your parents to understand where you are coming from. However, if you are genuinely interested in discussing this with your parents, then you should also try to understand from their perspective as well. Your statement (“My family is EXTREMELY conservative to such a degree that those who don’t follow the rules are excommunicated, according to the teaching of Paul in the NT.”) shows apparent lack of understanding (either by you or your family) regarding the Bible, if you believe or if they actually practice “excommunicating” someone from their family due to sin. If you are curious how a conservative Biblical person would handle this situation (i.e. when a person they know is living what they consider a sinful lifestyle),
then you shoiuld try reading Matthew 18:15-18. Jesus gives very explicit instructions. However, these instructions are only intended to be used if the person who has fallen into sin is a Christian who is affiliated with a church. If you are not a Christian, then your parents would have to deal with you the same way Jesus dealt with sinners. By loving them. However, this does not imply that it would be necessary for your parents to consider your lifestyle as normal, wonderful, or even okay.</p>
<p>From a Biblical perspective, we are all sinners: adulterers; those who lust; those who are prideful; those who practice homosexuality; those who covet; those who regard anything other than God (e.g. career, college, even family) as the single most important thing in their lives; etc. Everyone I have ever met, Christian and non-Christian alike, is a sinner. I am also a sinner. Furthermore, we all have an orienation toward sinning. For an evangelical (Bible-believing) Christian, there is not particularly anything unique about the sin of homosexual behavior compared to other sins. However, the effective difference between homosexual behavior and many other sins is that those who practice it essentially demand for their behavior not to be called sinful. Since the Bible is clear that everyone sins and is born with an orientation toward sin (ever since the fall of Adam), using an excuse that you think you were born that way is not a useful excuse. By the way, “sin” as I am using it is simply doing something contrary to God’s will. </p>
<p>How would I handle the situation if/when my chidlren tell me they are involved in behaviors that I consider sinful? Since my four kids are all Christians (definitely sinning Christians, just as I am), I would use Matthew 18:15 and encourage them to confess their sins to God and repent. My goal would not be to denigrate them nor to feel superior. Simply to help them to get back on the right track. However, even if my children refuse to give up some sinful behaviors, I will always love them. But I will definitely refuse to call all behaviors as equally “good.”</p>
<p>My best friend’s son told her he was gay 2 years ago, a year out of college. She was hurt because she thought they were very close (he called her everyday from school, and still does). She was beating herself up on having missed any sign and wasn’t there to support him. But once she recovered from it she was very happy he has a partner to share his life with (she always thought he was too lonely). She has advised her son not to tell her ex-husband(the father) because he is very religious. The son is very uncomfortable about it because he feels it’s a very big part of his life, especially now he has a partner.</p>
<p>I have another long time girlfriend whose son we suspect is gay. I really don’t think she suspects it. Knowing the parents, I don’t think they would react well either.</p>
<p>No, from my personal expereince I don’t think parents always know, often may be the last ones to know. I think it is very easy for many of us to say we would be understanding and supportative when it’s not our kids. I think it would take me some time to digest, I would probably also wonder if I have contributed to it, and how I would tell friends and relatives. But at the end of the day, I don’t think I would lose my daughters over it. Intellectually, I think I would be able to handle it, but in reality I am not sure what my reaction would be.</p>
<p>We were very anxious, sad and apprehensive last year when our daughter was leaving for college. This is a big news, and I am just wondering if this is the best time to be dealing with it, especially when there is no significant other in OP’s life right now. I also hope OP would be understanding toward his parents if they don’t react well initially. Don’t assume they don’t love you just because they get upset initially because most of us didn’t raise our kids to only push them away.</p>
<p>After all that blah, blah… I think I would want to know and be there to help my daughters sort out their feelings.</p>
<p>I have no problem whatsoever with sexual orientation in the moral, social, political, whatever, sense – not personally, not in terms of public policy. To me, it’s a form of cruelty to persecute others for situations beyond their control. (Assuming one buys into the operating principle of non-chosen orientation; I have my own theories on how one ‘arrives’ at orientation, but that’s another matter.)</p>
<p>Nevertheless, here’s what would cause me “uneasiness” – being literal about the opening question:</p>
<p>To me, one of the central joys of parenthood is reliving one’s own passages, from afar, so to speak, but with recognition, empathy, and identification. It draws me closer to my children to remember & re-live (at least from my point of view, naturally). I cannot ‘relate,’ in the strict sense of the term, to homosexual “marriage” (or permanent partnering in the intimate sense). That doesn’t mean I would feel uncomfortable about someone’s same-sex mate. I have close family friends whose gay mates I feel very affectionate toward, and whose relationships I support. I don’t feel ashamed of them or of my relationship with them, feel I need to hide the fact, etc. But it would cause a psychological divide for me not to have a <em>male</em> son-in-law and naturally derived children from a heterosexual coupling. </p>
<p>I’ve heard gay men say that they can’t even imagine a heterosexual relationship, and all that goes with that, that they feel alienated from the whole experience of heterosexuality. One went so far as to liken heterosexual sex as being just as strange as sex “with a baboon.” Obviously these men can relate intellectually to heterosexuality, by parallel, but to me, that’s all it is – both for them, and for me – an intellectual understanding, but not a <em>felt</em> connection.</p>
<p>My son is a very private person, so I wouldn’t feel he was lying to me or hiding something if he didn’t share details about his inner life. I have no idea what his sexual orientation is, but I do know <em>who</em> he is, a bright, loving, caring young man. I do hope he’ll have a life partner at some point and that we can welcome that person into our family. Until then, if he wants to have some privacy about his personal life, that’s ok with me.</p>
<p>Op, you’ll have to decide for yourself, ultimately. But this is a good place to mull the whole thing over.</p>
<p>From a Biblical perspective, we are all sinners: adulterers; those who lust; those who are prideful; those who practice homosexuality; those who covet; those who regard anything other than God (e.g. career, college, even family) as the single most important thing in their lives; etc. Everyone I have ever met, Christian and non-Christian alike, is a sinner</p>
<p>Heaven 
knows I am not a Bibilical scholar, but it seems that the same argument has been used to justify segregation and interracial marriage and even slavery.[Black</a> History Timeline | Blacklds.org](<a href=“http://www.blacklds.org/history]Black”>Black History Timeline - Blacklatterdaysaints.org)</p>
<p>Not everyone interprets the Bible that way
[Theologian</a> Claims Bible Does Not Condemn Gays | Christianpost.com](<a href=“http://www.christianpost.com/article/20071006/29599_Theologian_Says_Bible_Does_Not_Condemn_Gays.htm]Theologian”>Theologian Claims Bible Does Not Condemn Gays | Church & Ministries News)</p>
<p>[Al</a> Dobras – Oxford’s New Pro-Homosexual Bible a Hit with ‘Gay’ Activists](<a href=“http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles/DobrasOxfordBible.htm]Al”>http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles/DobrasOxfordBible.htm)</p>
<p>[What</a> The Bible Says About Homosexuality](<a href=“http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/9409.htm]What”>http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/9409.htm)</p>
<p>[The</a> case of Rev. Karen Dammann in the United Methodist Church](<a href=“Loading...”>Loading...)</p>
<p>[Bush</a> cheers ‘gay’ church after ‘Marriage Week’](<a href=“http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=35539]Bush”>http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=35539)</p>
<p>[Spain</a> legalizes gay marriage - World news - MSNBC.com](<a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8413036/]Spain”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8413036/)</p>
<p>[The</a> Global View Of Gay Marriage, Issue Has Disappeared From Political Agenda In Many Countries - CBS News](<a href=“http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/03/04/world/main604084.shtml]The”>http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/03/04/world/main604084.shtml)</p>
<p>[BBC</a> NEWS | Americas | Gay marriage around the globe](<a href=“http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4081999.stm]BBC”>BBC NEWS | Americas | Gay marriage around the globe)</p>
<p>OP, I’ve known friends who came out to conservative, religious families, and while some of the reactions were just as negative as you might expect, some parents shocked their child by accepting the news quite peacefully – probably because they had already suspected the truth for a long time.</p>
<p>One thing you might consider is telling a sibling, cousin, or just one parent, first. That can sometimes allow you to make a better judgment of what the consequences will be when you tell everyone a little bit later. If your sister rolls her eyes and says, “DUH, that’s been obvious since you were in second grade,” then your parents probably have their suspicions, too.</p>
<p>OP–I agree with those who suggest that you go to college, look into the G/L/B/T student organizations and/or PFLAG–both of which likely have support for young people who are coming to terms with their gayness–and spend some time finding out about yourself in a broader social, intellectual, and religious context. I would also suggest that if you want to make some Christian connections that are <em>fully</em> accepting of homosexuality that you check out the UCC (United Church of Christ). Unitarian Universalists are also very welcoming, but not specifically Christian. I would also suggest that you approach one of your cousins and talk to them about their experience. I would hesitate to approach your aunt at this stage, because taking her into your confidence before your parents might eventually make them feel rather betrayed.</p>
<p>Several reasons for these recommendations:
- Parents and children usually don’t want to be forced to think too much about each other’s sex lives, and as someone else pointed out, to people like your parents this would probably be tantamount to telling them that you have been having sex while living under their roof. Unfotunately, some people persist in defining gayness solely in terms of sex acts, not in terms of love and affection.
- People of my generation went off to college in the 70s and had sex and smoked pot. Most of us regarded this as normal behavior. Most of our parents assumed that it put people who did it beyond the pale. Most of us were discreet around our parents and didn’t force it to their attention. Over time, our parents grew to realize that a) we were probably doing it, and b) it wasn’t a big deal to us and we were neither “ruined” girls nor drug addicts.
- It sounds like your parents already have a major inkling. In addition, they have dealt with it in the context of your family. Let them officially know when they are ready to know–and when you know more about yourself. This might be a few years down the road. There is no need to envision thirty years of secrecy.
- This is an emotionally-charged time for your parents. Let them get used to the empty nest. Don’t make them confront this major challenge at the same time. In my generation, many guys had to come out to their families in the context of also telling them that they were HIV-positive or diagnosed with AIDS. While this is obviously more serious than going away to college, both involve a certain mourning on the parent’s part. There is no need in your case to compound the emotional blow of your departure.</p>
<p>Lastly, if you profess to be a Christian, do take note of the fact that Jesus is not quoted as saying a single word on the subject of homosexuality. Those who wish to promote religious homophobia have to cherry-pick the Old Testament or go to Paul, whose prejudices against women and others were not only legion, but in direct conflict with the teachings and actions of Jesus as portrayed in the gospels. (It was a sad day for Christianity when he got involved, IMHO.)</p>
<p>DON’T DO IT if they’re paying the bulk of your tuition. For the love of god, just wait. I’ve seen multiple closeted gay kids come to college, come out in their new community and go home with enough empowerment to tell their family…only to have said family withdraw all financial support. It’s a very suckish situation to be in.</p>
<p>
The fraternal birth order effect is the strongest known predictor of sexual orientation; according to research, each older brother increases a man’s chances of being gay by about 33%. This is just a statistical correlation; research is looking at why it occurs. There is some evidence that the mother’s womb changes somehow with each male pregnancy. The same effect does not seem to hold for female births.</p>
<p>The Wikipedia article contains numerous links to the research.</p>
<p>[Fraternal</a> birth order and sexual orientation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fraternal_birth_order_and_sexual_orientation]Fraternal”>Fraternal birth order and male sexual orientation - Wikipedia)</p>
<p>I’m (naively?) hopeful that the religious right can get beyond their assumption that being gay is a lifestyle choice. The old testament talks of hate and violence, but the new is full of love and peace.</p>
<p>^^Fascinating. (Re birth order). I love science. Just gets more interesting every day.</p>
<p>emeraldkity4 ,</p>
<p>The paragraph of mine you quoted simply states that according to the Bible we are all sinners (for example, in Romans 3:10), including homosexuals and heterosexuals. No one is exempt from being a sinner or from the consequences of sin on the basis if being born any particular way.</p>
<p>Your reply: “Heaven knows I am not a Bibilical scholar, but it seems that the same argument has been used to justify segregation and interracial marriage and even slavery.”</p>
<p>What do you have against interracial marriage?</p>
<p>^^I think it is quite obvious: nothing.</p>
<p>What do you have against interracial marriage?</p>
<p>The argument that I was referring to- was interpreting the bible in order to justify prejudice- ( although I suspect that you know that)</p>
<p>I am against slavery and segregation and for marriage between adults who are free to do so. ( i.e, not for forced arranged marriages or marriages between an adult and a minor- so if the couple is interracial or homosexual- is not as important as freedom to choose a partner)</p>
<p>Does that answer your question?</p>
<p>“each older brother increases a man’s chances of being gay by about 33%.”</p>
<p>So I’m Gay and didn’t know it? Wow the things you learn here. </p>
<p>I can’t wait to tell my wife… :0</p>