@VaBluebird, @rom828, @musicamusica From a financial standpoint it could have been a lot worse - the wedding was cancelled 4.5 months out. The bride and groom were planning a church wedding followed by a dinner reception for 60 guests paid for by bride’s family. They were saving money with DIY save-the-dates, invitations, bridal bouquet, centerpieces, favors, etc.; ipod instead of DJ for dancing; rental car instead of limo; pizza party instead of rehearsal dinner. They were responsible for photographer, honeymoon, wedding rings. Keeping true to the thread, even though exSIL’s family was not in a position to share wedding expenses with bride’s family, exSIL actually came through in the end and reimbursed us for half of the lost deposits!
@Bromfield2 Yes, it’s been our experience that a bridal salon that requires appointments is one that you want to go to! These places are busy and you don’t want to go with the expectation of being able to leisurely try on gowns, after having possibly coordinated the schedule of others who are attending, only to find out that the place is packed and that you won’t be able to get the service and assistance that you need. With 5 Ds, and planning the 4th wedding!, plus the dozens of others that my girls have been a part of, I honestly can’t think of even one instance where an appointment was not necessary.
@camon, sorry about the cancelled wedding. I attended an out of state wedding and 4 months later, the couple decided to divorce. The couple dated each other for 5 years and lived together for 3 years. Everyone, including the guests wasted $$.
A few months before my wedding, my man of honor and best friend of nearly 10 years sat me down and asked me very seriously whether or not I wanted to marry Mr. R. He made me list all the reasons why I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It isn’t because he didn’t like him or he didn’t think we were good together. He adores him and thinks we have one of the strangest, but strongest relationships of anyone he’s ever known. But he was giving me an out. He told me that the money, the invitations, etc- none of it matters. He’d take care of everything if I wanted to cancel because he in no way wanted me to feel pressured into marrying because of the wedding.
It seemed kind of strange at the time and pretty out of character, but I didn’t think much of it.
A few weeks before the wedding, my mom took me out to dinner and did pretty much the same thing he did. She told me that I could drop everything and break it off and she would take care of everything. And then it finally clicked into place why people were asking me this.
My mom’s first marriage was to someone she’d been with, and lived with, for a long time. But in the months leading up to the wedding, she started to second guess things. At that point though, she felt as though she had to go through with the wedding because that was the plan and they had already dumped money and whatnot into it. Very shortly after the wedding, he became an abusive alcoholic and she quickly left him (but it took years for the divorce to go through because he was being a ****).
It finally occurred to me that my mom’s situation wasn’t unique. People do feel trapped by the wedding and they feel like they can’t call it off. They chalk up the doubts to cold feet and nerves. Now, I am grateful that they both did it. I know they did it out of love (both of them would bluntly tell me if they didn’t think Mr R was good for me… in fact, they both can’t figure out why he is with me lol). I will do the same thing for my man of honor if/when he gets married and any other very close friends. I hope everyone in their life has someone that loves them enough to do what my mom and man of honor did for me.
S’s fiance works at a bridal shop (convenient right now!) - yes, appointments are standard. Think about it. The time a consultant spends with a bride-to-be or bridesmaid (looking for dresses) - an hour or two isn’t unusual. Pretty hard to accomplish with walk-ins - and depending on the size of the shop, limited consultants to work one-on-one with people. Also those dresses are EXPENSIVE - the shop would rather be guiding the bride-to-be and assisting with all aspects of combing the racks for dresses, putting them on properly, etc. - people can be animals and not treat the store’s good with respect!
If people walk in without appointments they can’t be guaranteed great service. Or quick assistance.
@romanigypsyeyes I do this with both girls, except with college. “You don’t HAVE to go to college. There are other options for you out there if you don’t feel this is right for you.”
I really want them to go to college, but I don’t want them to feel like they’re being forced into it. Cold feet are no good with just about everything in life, I think…
Even David’s bridal has appointments. Also have walk ins. Both my kids got their prom dresses there, and we were walk ins. They were very nice, got them strapless bras to use to try on dresses, shoes, etc. There were 4-5 appointments going on at the time.
I haven’t read through all the comments - has anyone discussed who pays in a same-sex wedding? Most of the couples I know paid for their own (usually older) or had a very small ceremony (usually younger).
The same rules apply. (as in very few people follow the old rules) The parents or the couples pay according to maturity and affordability. (or a combination of the two!) Still, last year, when my 65 year old brother FINALLY made his partner an honest man my parents( in their 90’s) were a little confused in more ways than one. I told them. since it was two guys “they were off the hook”. But that they did owe them two rehearsal dinners. B-) b-(
The same sex couples I know who have gotten married were all probably in their 50s, so they did it all themselves.
I have a friend who has a child who is trans man and is reportedly planning to marry a cis female this fall. Not sure what is happening with that…he hasn’t communicated with his mother about it lately.
I went to a handful of weddings with same sex couples last year after the SCOTUS decision. They were couples who had been together for a while and wanted to get married ASAP so the weddings were VERY simple but gorgeous. They paid themselves.
I’ve been helping two couple friends who are having weddings later this year (one in July, one in October). They are both lesbian couples and their parents are doing what most parents I know do- either give a block of funding or helping with costs when they can.
Around here though, couples are expected to pay for their own weddings. Parents might chip in or give a small block of funding but you’re expected to have a wedding you can afford or wait until you can afford one you want. The idea of parents paying for most or all of a wedding is just very foreign to me.
Lol @musicamusica
The cool thing about untraditional weddings is that the rules are out the window. My first thought with a lesbian marriage is “ooh, two dresses to shop for!”, but that may not be the case at all, and that’s fine. There might be NO dresses (which would bum me out but I’d rally in support). 
Motherofdragons – Same thing is true with a wedding between a straight couple, of course. I remember reading that Martha Stewart’s daughter wore a grey flannel pantsuit as a bride (when marrying a dude.) (Undoubtedly done to spite her mother!)
@camom - my dad asked my sister if she was sure about her fiancé and she said yes. Later, during the terrible divorce, she admitted she knew before the wedding that he was wrong for her but she didn’t want to cause any problems. Losing a deposit is much cheaper than the agony of divorce. I am sorry that you are going through this and hugs to your daughter.
Chiming i late, but my wife really didn’t have a home town as she had moved several times and had never lived where here parents lived at the time we married. So we married in my hometown, which was to become our home, at least for a few years.
Her parents didn’t have very much money to offer. I think they paid maybe four thousand towards the wedding. My father gave us a wedding gift of $20,000 to pay for the rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, and any other expenses, with the remainder to be used to set up housekeeping. Obviously some went to the wedding expense. My wife never told her parents exactly what everything cost.
I played a big part in scripting our ceremony, and it was about as austere a ceremony as one can possibly have. We limited the flowers, had congregational singing rather than a soloist, and we were out of the church in a flash. I just didn’t see any need to spend $5,000 on the wedding ceremony itself. Our reception was quite nice, with drinks and a buffet in a nice antebellum home which we were able to use at almost no charge (It’s the “Heart of Dixie” sorority house, FWIW).
The important thing to remember in all of this is that the amount of money spent on the wedding is inversely proportional to the longevity of the marriage. The hundred thousand weddings don’t last nearly as long as the $1,000 ones.
Dunno, the wedding we had was rather expensive by most standards and we are celebrating our 30th anniversary this year. My folks just celebrated their 63rd and their photo makes their wedding look pretty fancy, tho I’ve never heard any details. All my sibs had pretty expensive receptions and we are all still harried to original partners.
I think the couple should have the celebration they want AND can afford.
“The important thing to remember in all of this is that the amount of money spent on the wedding is inversely proportional to the longevity of the marriage. The hundred thousand weddings don’t last nearly as long as the $1,000 ones.”
I doubt there are any data to support that contention. My experience (after 37 years) and that of our friends and their kids is to the contrary and the “marital outcomes” have no correlation to the cost of the wedding. The cost of the wedding has nothing to do with the duration of the marriage. The duration of the marriage is determined by the basis of the relationship and the ability of the relationship to adapt over time as the parties’ lives evolve. Have the wedding that fits your budget and desires. There is no need to defend whatever choice you make.
I assumed that comment about the inverse relationship between the cost and tthe duration of the marriage was tongue in cheek. Because it’s ludicrous.
Here is one study, although it was fairly small. It found that inexpensive weddings with lots of guests (oxymoron?) were more successful.
http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/13/living/wedding-expenses-study/