Those are special friends!
Indeed. We were all blown away! (they don’t have children of their own and have always treated my kids like gold. <3)
@abasket, I’m not making any judgement regarding what’s frugal and what’s not. I consider myself fairly frugal. But I think nothing of dropping a fair amount of money to go to Hawaii or the Caribbean, for example. To me it’s a matter of individual priorities, and what you can afford. I would NOT go into serious debt to fund a wedding, just as I wouldn’t go into serious debt to fund college. I am giving my kids the gift of a debt free college education, but I would not be nearly as inclined to “let them pick” and then pay all the costs associated with a wedding. I do plan to help out some, and don’t think the bride’s family should be expected to fund the entire wedding. What I’m willing to contribute will likely be situation dependent, just as it has been with college.
@camom it’s so unfortunate that happened in your family. But I have several friends who have admitted that they knew before the wedding they should have cancelled and didn’t because of the plans. I always want to be the one who screams if you have any doubts then stop it before I Do!!
Understood @1214mom . I’m just saying - as in many aspects of growing up, picking partners, weddings and such - what we think might happen - often doesn’t happen.
And you’re right - we all - the parents of bride or groom - and the couple - should stay true to what we feel is fair and what we can manage - whether that is nothing, a small amount, meet-ya-in-the-middle or unlimited. That is what should fuel the wedding costs - not necessarily “tradition”!!!
163, I wish I could lie you 100 times.
Our daughter is getting married in October after being a couple with her fiancé for 8 years at the time he proposed. We are very fortunate in that over that period of time, we have become very close to his family and we have functioned in many ways like a joined extended family for some time. This has made the wedding planning a much more comfortable situation with lots of open, unpressurized communication. We told the kids what our budget was. We also shared that number with his parents. We also told the kids and his parents that the most important thing was that everyone have at the wedding the guests that are truly important to them to share the event with, without any preconceived concepts of one side having an entitlement greater than the other, and that if necessary, costs in other areas should be cut to accommodate that within the budget. It seems that everyone really took that to heart - the guest list of invitees is 312!! Both sides have large families and numbers of close friends. The couple alone has 125 guests on their list. We are hoping that the actual yield will be closer to 240 - 250 based on family that won’t come due to travel distance but which must be invited.
Because both kids have worked professionally in the life event industry since they were teens, they have close relationships with many of the key vendors who have given them steep discounts. In addition to what we have put up, the groom’s family is paying for the rehearsal dinner that will probably involve 70 people. They are also paying for the flowers which will be a five digit number. His parents also gave to the kids the cost of a 2 week honeymoon to Thailand. They have also offered to contribute money for the cost of the reception if needed. The cost of the bridal shower, which will have about 100 guests, is being split by a number of female relatives on both sides. His parents went through this about 6 years ago with their daughter so they get it. In many ways, it’s been a collaborative effort with the 4 parents working in tandem to make it all work and to rein the kids in and have them prioritize where needed. The 2 mothers have even gone dress shopping together and helped each other pick out dresses they love. We are so damn lucky to have this kind of relationship with his parents. It’s not the typical situation, but without his parents financial involvement, there would be a lot more hard choices to make.
^ what joyful events your families will have and you could write the book on collaborative wedding planning! Wonderful! Your daughter had been a wedding ( event ) planner and I’m sure she has seen it all.
@MichaelNKat Congrats to your family and to your D! I remember when she was just starting college. 
Thank you SothJersetChessMom! My daughter had worked for several years as a “day of” coordinator/wedding assistant for a very busy upscale wedding planning company and presently has worked for 12 years for an entertainment company that does weddings, Bar and Bat Mitvahs where for many years she has been their dancer manager/choreographer and an MC. In fact, that’s where she met her fiancé who works as a DJ and MC. Between the 2 of them, they know and have worked with every major vendor in the Philadelphia region. Their experience and relationships made so much of this stress free. Within 8 weeks of their engagement, they had selected the venue, caterer, florist, photographer, videographer and, of course, entertainment! They even had booked a block of hotel rooms to be held for out of town guests.
I think what really has made this process so worry free is our ability to talk openly and candidly with his parents. Even with the existing relationship, there was the potential for things to get awkward. There always is when it comes to money and who is playing what role in planning and decision making about a wedding. My wife and I decided right out of the gate that we would avoid that by having open and candid dialog with his parents and embracing them as part of the process. We basically came from a place of “the kids love each other, you love our daughter, we love your son, our role is to help them have a most memorable and exciting day”. We left the planning to the kids, made clear that our priority was that it be a wonderful time for them and both sets of parents, disclosed up front what our budget was, and avoided staking out any territorial roles based on us being the parents of the bride. We made it clear that the views, preferences and desires of his parents were important to us. I have to really give my wife a lot of credit in this. So many times his mother would say that she didn’t want to step on my wife’s toes as mother of the bride and my wife’s response was let’s figure this out or do this together, it will be so much more fun that way. So everything from guest lists, to engagement party, to bridal shower, to rehearsal dinner, to wedding gown shopping, to MOB and MOG dress shopping, to even invitation design and wording has been a collaborative process. Financial collaboration flowed from this without us ever raising a question of who was paying for what. I think everyone knowing what our budget was helped greatly with this so that as plans and ideas were kicked around, it was easy to see where our financial contribution was being spent and where there was a need to fill in.
Thank you @alwaysamom! The time has flown by in those 5 years since graduation.
I love to hear that someone is able to pull off a completely collaborative experience. However, things do get muddled when only one side of the families is intact (both parents together and/or communicating) and financially solvent. In our case there has been some arbitrary input and communication. But ours, for better or worse,is a one sided affair. It has nothing to do with preconceived attitudes as to responsibility. It’s just reality.We are able to communicate with the bride and groom. That has to be enough for us.
MNK - that sounds wonderful. Like you , the guest list for D’s wedding was made of people who have been present in the lives of D, SIL or both. We wanted everyone to have a good time and have a chance to spend time together and celebrate. In our case there was no one location where most people would not have to travel so we wanted to make it as stress free and fun as possible. We spent a lot of money as it was really an entire weekend event, we covered a lot of costs for the wedding party and SIL’s family was not able to help much ( though they did contribute what they were comfortable with). In the end we achieved our goals. No regrets.
Only my maid of honor went with me to choose a wedding dress as my mom lives 6 hours away. I could no more do SYTTD than I could fly. The thought of being watched! No! LOL.
@camom, I’m so sorry.
I wasn’t even looking for my wedding dress when I found it!
My daughter found her dress locally with my wife, MOG and maid of honor with her. She then went to NYC with her maid of honor and went to SYTTD store for the fun of it. She found the whole experience there to be repulsive. And they didn’t have anything as nice as her dress for twice the price.
When I decided on my dress, the saleswoman kept wanting me to ring some stupid bell and say some phrase. I kept saying no and finally told her I was going to leave if she asked again.
I hate shopping. I was grumpy by that point. I just wanted to buy the stupid thing and be done with it. :-<
The three places where my D wanted to look for a wedding dress required you to make an appointment. Is that the norm? It turned out that my D loved the first dress she tried on–I went with her for her first appointment. She brought her sister and one bridesmaid back to the bridal shop to see it the next week and decided to buy it. She cancelled the other appointments. I was surprised by how much time the seamstresses put into these gowns.
D2 only went to one shop and they required an appointment. She got it at BHLDN.