<p>SHORT AND SWEET: My professional training as a teacher taught this way: the only thing a bully understands is power. What works with preteen boys is when someone larger than the bully gets into his face and hollers at him, really HOLLERS, “Stop messing with ____ (name of victim). NOW.” School people won’t/can’t do this but your H can and should, IMHO because you two families know each other.
This keeps your kid from either losing a fight, getting in trouble for fighting at school, getting hurt, or appearing weak. The Dad does all the work.
Do not teach kids to fight back at school anymore. With zero tolerance policies, they’ll only get in trouble for fighting even if they had every provocation to take a punch.
When boys are older, they need to know how to summon a group of their friends, surround the bully (if he’s ever alone) and together yell at him to cut it out. That’s terrifying. Back him into a wall screaming at him…but to do that, the victim kid needs to learn how to make and keep a small circle of friends, so work towards that.
Following Columbine, Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary launched a national anti-bullying campaign in the public schools called “Don’t Laugh At Me.” Bullying has been identified as an early root cause of high school shootings. Attitudes begin in Early Elementary years and take hold unless specifically educated in the other direction.
I’m sad this is such a problem for so many. Really breaks my heart.</p>
<p>dancersmom…wow, just wow…the pressure and intensity of MT is not for the weak of heart…wow.</p>
<p>My D was bullied by a mean girl in middle school. They ended up at the same HS, but the issues didn;t carry through, thank goodness</p>
<p>A few months ago, for peer group thing, my D and a classmate did a presentation on bullying, etc…the “former meangirl” was in her class and saw the presentation…</p>
<p>That night she sent an email to my D apologizing for how she was in middl school…it wasn’t a long apology or anything, but it was out of the blue, and it meant alot to my D. They will never be friends, but won’t be enemies either…a nice release</p>
<p>SO if you are a former bully, if you are truely sorry, it is okay to apologize, even a note will do…you may not get a response, and you may not be forgiven, but it may provide for some closure to the “victim” of the torment</p>
<p>just a thought</p>
<p>“SO if you are a former bully, if you are truely sorry, it is okay to apologize, even a note will do…you may not get a response, and you may not be forgiven, but it may provide for some closure to the “victim” of the torment”</p>
<p>That’s right. It saved “Billy Madison”. :)</p>
<p>There was a poignant essay in the regional section of the NY Times yesterday where the author, 30 years later, receives an apology from a kid who bullied him in 8th grade.</p>
<p>I was lucky, my middle school bully apologized to me in high school. Thanks to that apology, I think I really do tend to see people in a better light and assume the best about them. I also can say from experience that much of middle school bullying seems to be a temporary aberration. Many kids will grow out of it.</p>
<p>My middle daughter has had a girl in her class for years whose mother is obsessed with her. This woman makes my daughter out to be a mean girl because they twist everything DD does to be about the other woman’s daughter. THe latest was that my daughter’s choice of manicure was a form of bullying because daughter selected the other girl’s favorite color combination – black and white. I can say with a clear conscience that this girl doesn’t register on my daughter’s radar, so I know that, while she is imperfect, she hasn’t done anything to deserve this. The woman is like a vicious spider lurking around my daughter and waiting to pounce on EVERYTHING. I wish my husband wasn’t such a gentleman and had decked the woman when she attacked him last year.</p>
<p>I had a horrid roommate in boarding school when I was a sophomore. The worst…!! At our 25th reunion she was all over me like a tent. I couldn’t shake her to be with my friends. I realised that she felt badly about her behavior now that she’d had her own family. People do grow up, eventually!</p>
<p>Dke- what’s the update on your situation?</p>
<p>zoosermom – I don’t know about the kid, but the mother sounds a bit <em>off</em> – mothers like that certainly don’t help their kids, do they.</p>
<p>I also read that Op Ed piece in the NY Times. I thought it was sad that the writer didn’t respond to the first former friend who tried to apologize 30 years later, and the man died shortly after. He was possibly trying to get some kind of closure before his death. It does go to show that in later years, these incidents can weigh heavier on the minds of the bully than the victim. I’m a public school elementary teacher, and our district uses the “Don’t Laugh at Me” program pretty effectively I think, although it seems to go out the window by middle school. I personally try to stamp out any incidences of bullying as soon as it happens- but kids are sneaky, and most things happen when adults are not looking.</p>
<p>“middle school” or as I knew it Junior high</p>
<p>I wouldn’t wish this on anybody adult or child. If there was a way to induce a coma for three or four years…</p>
<p>The middle school years are just hard times. Everything’s changing, hormones are kicking in, pressure’s increasing and the urge to challenge authority arises. </p>
<p>Alot of this post deals with problems during these years. It’s kind of where it get’s started and how a kid deals with it carries over I think all the way to adult life. </p>
<p>I think there is a special place in heaven for middle school teacher who can keep their sanitity and not slap the kids silly ( the same could be said for parents) . As I said in my K middle/JH the two principals dealt with 50-60 kids a day (out of 900)each. While some were repeaters, the pool was growing. They spent so much time trying to get kids on the right track. Some they got back and they turned out OK. A few others never got back.</p>
<p>“zoosermom – I don’t know about the kid, but the mother sounds a bit <em>off</em> – mothers like that certainly don’t help their kids, do they.”
The mother is really off. My husband laughs at it (she attacked him in the street last year when my daughter received a major award and her daughter didn’t), but she reminds me of the Texas cheerleader mother. Silly as it probably sounds, she scares me for my daughter’s sake.</p>
<p>zooser–it doesn’t sound silly to me. She physically attacked your H? Whoa. How much longer will your family have to deal with this?</p>
<p>Mstee, heaven only knows! It’s become almost comical in a farcical sort of way. My husband is twice her size but she just went after him. The woman had a whole emotional investment in her child being equal to mine in terms of academic achievement, but my daughter keeps getting accolades and huge amounts of attention. Somehow it always turns out that either the mother or daughter is always present when something big happens to my kid and it’s rocked the woman’s world to have to change her perspective on her child. The latest is that a boy the other girl had a thing for asked my daughter out. I told my daughter that since the girls have never been friends, she should feel no loyalty and should live her life as she chooses without being afraid of how it will affect the other girl. She then started some vicious rumors about my daughter, the outcome of which is that no one in their program will now speak with the rumor-starter because they don’t respect her actions. The problem is that she’s an only child with disturbed parents and has never had a friend in her life and, thus, has no social skills. It’s actually quite sad, but the mother actually is prone to violence. She became physical at the awards ceremony from middle school.</p>
<p>Zooser, that woman should be arrested. Sabooks, the ringleader has been expelled and I’m waiting to hear what’s going to happen to the rest of them. Probation or suspension, I guess. Alot of Mom’s P.O.'d at me right now, but S said yesterday was “the best day ever without him there” so that’s all that matters. Thanks.</p>
<p>dke…good to hear. With luck, soon you will put this behind you.</p>
<p>Dke- oh, I’m so glad for you! It was important for the students at that school to see the adults take a stand. I’ll bet that a lot of the kids are secretly relieved that the instigator is gone…</p>
<p>dke, I’m very glad for you and and your son!!!</p>
<p>A lot of moms PO’d – I hope there are few supporters? Anyway, happy about resolution for your S.</p>