<p>I agree with Youdon’tsay. Just say “welcome to the family” and be happy for them!</p>
<p>what are some other topics that would be appropriate to bring up at this time?
Finances are the #1 reason for divorce.
I would ask them to sit down with you and find out how they view debt, credit card balances, balancing checkbooks, car payments (or not), student loan debts, % down payment on house, developing a budget that both support and agree to (written down), savings, IRA’s, emergency fund, etc. </p>
<p>**Laughwithme - if I was the kid, I’d be laughing at you, or totally furious with you! Yes, they need to work these things out, but not with you! **</p>
<p>if the kid were marring my daughter, I would want them to be aware of this pitfall.
Obviously, they would work it out between themselves or have counseling with a third party. every situation is different, but I am assuming the kids are very young or the OP would not be asking in the first place. when I was very young, my father in law, as well as my father, had these discussions with us and we listened to all his advice and did until the day he died. My father in law was a very good friend of mine. I am from the Deep South though, to each his own…lol…just a suggestion</p>
<p>“mini, its not about the SATs but what you can do with them that counts, isn’t that what we know about us?”</p>
<p>Nah…it’s the SAT scores. ;)</p>
<p>forgot. but good enough for one of those awards.</p>
<p>^^^Wait, there’s a CC dating service? How can we get it on this?</p>
<p>As for finances, I’d stay out of it. It’s their business. Just say, Welcome to the family, and give your blessing. And let them take care of the wedding plans, too. Wait for them to approach you as to who will contribute what to the cost. </p>
<p>I will have to zip my lips on the grandkids issue, though. I know the first thing out of my mouth will be, When are you going to start having kids? Where are you going to settle down? We’ll need to move to be close to you so we can help you take care of them! </p>
<p>LongPrime, don’t feel bad. Whenever we visit son on campus, we attend mass with him on Sunday. While not listening to services, husband and I are taking inventory of the possible available young ladies in the seats. God help the one who son actually talks to after mass. Dad and I will be taking her down to the courthouse for a blood test ASAP!</p>
<p>I am still laughing about the “no return policy” comment.
We have been married twenty years and I still remember the first dinner we had with my in-laws after we got engaged. They were so kind and said the nicest things about both their son and me. It would not have been the time to talk about any of the logistics of being married. I still have a great relationship with them (flying down for Easter weekend with them tonight!) because they are so loving. That is the point of this kind of lunch…joyful celebration!</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s the time to grill about finances and stuff, they are both adults, let them deal with it. I know if this were me, I would be putting on my best behavior or seriously asking if the boyfriend knows what he is getting into(jk).</p>
<p>cbreeze, do you think this would be the time to tell him about all the family secrets, crazy relatives, and skeletons in the closet?</p>
<p>I’m with Jasmom, that my first question would be “what was my daughter’s answer?” I’m afraid if I found out my husband asked my parents first, I would have said no.</p>
<p>Given what my mother said to my fiancee (now DH of 25 years) when we announced our engagement to them together my advice would be to say “congratulations and best wishes” and not much else. If you have any good advice about finances, etc. keep it to yourself.</p>
<p>PS For those who are curious she said something to the affect of “if you don’t take good care of my very special daughter I will be there for her and hunt you down.”<br>
Not the most auspicious beginning. He took it personally (go figure).</p>
<p>So true, ebeeee. My friend (also married 20 years now) is still bitter about the fact that her mother-in-law said upon hearing about their engagement that she always liked her son’s college girlfriend better.</p>
<p>Wow, I thought we were all helicopter parents, but the suggestion sit them down together and talk through finances with me makes me feel like a helicopter slacker! I could not think of a quicker way to make them feel like they were being treated like children and build resentment.</p>
<p>However, I do agree that it is important for THEM to think about and discuss finances and other important questions. Although I would not bring it up at the lunch, I might mention the book linked to in post #20 to my own child within a week or two after the engagement. Just a suggestion that it would provide a framework for discussions that could save them misunderstandings later on… I’d even buy her a copy if she was interested. But that is as far as I would go.</p>
<p>I will say, both D1 and her bf (who she is pretty serious with) both consult their moms on almost everything (bf called his mom for advice about D1 before he asked her out the first time :D). So D may very well ask my advice on topics like life insurance, mortgages, debt repayment, etc. There is nothing wrong with prompting them with a framework for discussion, but I would not push it hard. Just suggest it.</p>
<p>"Wow, I thought we were all helicopter parents, but the suggestion sit them down together and talk through finances with me makes me feel like a helicopter slacker! "</p>
<p>I’m waiting to hear what the helicopter discussions sound like when there are questions of possible grandchildren.</p>
<p>Helicopter slacker! Love it.</p>
<p>Gotta say, I cringed at the notion of taking the moment when you have been invited to lunch by your prospective son-in-law as the time to put him on the hot seat to grill him because finances are the leading cause of divorce.</p>
<p>If there ever is such a time for that discussion. Have that talk with your own kid if you want to. Hopefully not on the evening s/he announces her engagement.</p>
<p>There is a time and a place for everything. Sheesh.</p>
<p>Alu, I think the CC Matchmaking Service fizzled lo these many years back, after the promised meet-up between jmson and Aludaughter never happened.</p>
<p>““if you don’t take good care of my very special daughter I will be there for her and hunt you down.””</p>
<p>I think any guy who was right for me would be OK if my parents said this. Because heaven knows they would mean it. (They’ve always been very nice to my boyfriends, just very loyal to their kids. It’s a good thing no one who’s broken my heart has ever run into my mom afterwards.)</p>
<p>I love the scene in “Clueless” where Cher is walking out the door with her date and her father barks, “Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel!”</p>
<p>Jmmom, and why didn’t it happen, we wonder? D is in New Jersey, ya know:). Still tall, still slender, still red-haired, and now gainfully employed. And still the type to shoot me for saying this.</p>
<p>Where’s jmson?</p>
<p>Well, we just came back from the lunch. Actually, he hasn’t proposed to D yet but we are visiting NY where they live and he has dropped hints about a pending proposal by telling D to have her ring sized. When he asked us for lunch, I immediately thought he might take this opportunity to ask us for our blessing on the pending proposal. </p>
<p>The restaurant was a very popular one which didn’t take reservations. D’s BF wisely arrived there half an hour before to put his name down, but we still had to wait another 20 minutes for a table. </p>
<p>This was the first time we were seeing him without D’s presence. Conversation was very easy and casual and then almost at the end of the meal when we were talking about his family, he said he loves our D, wants to have a family with her and is planning to propose to her in the very near future and would like our support. My H said something about how much we like him, that he has our total support and we’d love for him to be a part of our family. I don’t know why I felt nervous when this conversation was taking place, I think more for him than for myself. I didn’t really add too much to what my H had already said because since the proposal hasn’t happened, this conversation is confidential and I didn’t want to know any details lest I am tempted to spill the beans. </p>
<p>Afterwards, my H said that every time we see him, we are reassured what a great guy D’s BF is. He is flying home to spend Mother’s Day with his mother and grandmother when D is going out of town for a bachelorette party and for my D’s last birthday, he bought and wrapped one gift for every year of her life.</p>
<p>Ahhh…I want a son in law like that someday. He sounds like a great guy.</p>
<p>LongPrime - I hope you are taking notes for your son.</p>
<p>That sounds so sweet. I hope I’ve raised such thoughtful sons.</p>