well I think that what he totally does not get yet at this age, yet I’ve tried to counsel him, is kids talk. Plain and simple. And whatever you tell the others, they may eventually tell themselves to their parents. Also, keep in mind these kids have grown up together. They’re not idiots either. They know that something’s amiss when their kids friend is grounded, I’m sure they ask questions. And of me they’ll snoop a little and I don’t offer up too much, except little bits like oh well, he’s testing the waters kind of thing, we’re on top of it. Plus he’s the youngest of 4, as it happens his friends are all the oldest of their families, so there’s not been too much to hit their radar yet. But, yes it has crossed my mind that he’s burned some bridges or been a little too public. Yet, they like him. It’s pretty obvious. Now is it possible that they know something I don’t? Maybe. But I just don’t know. My inclination is that they see my son as the influencer and are worried. It does happen.
Yup, it happened in my older son’s wider group, but because it wasn’t him, I didn’t give it too much attention. The crazy thing is, I like these kids. I think it’s a weird situation, but my inclination is to pay attention because he’s been lonely. Yet, interesting that no one has commented that at the end of the day, they’re all up to a little no good.
What type of parents condone their child’s narcotic use??
@proudparent26 your post #37 is really disturbing. The comment “Kids should be taught to not drive while under the influence or do anything stupid.” is ridiculous. Condoning any illegal or irresponsible behavior by your kids because “lots of people do it”??? Not meant as an insult, but what have you been smoking?
@proudparent26 So essentially, as long as they are functioning drug addicts, it’s okay?
@CaliCash, I thought what the OP meant by this is when the group is hanging out, the other parents have instructed their kids to lie about what they are doing (not tell them that they are at Johnny’s house). Not lying about their own drug use. It sounds like the other parents have said their kids can’t hang out with the OP’s kid, but they are trying to spare his feelings a bit by not telling him when they are hanging out without him.
I’m a senior, and almost all of my friends occasionally smoke marijuana. My community is small, and there are two distinct kinds of students. First, there is the perfect “straight edge” kid who has not smoked, drank, etc. Next, there is the dirty “pothead” who smokes weed. Of course, there are a few strangling inbetweeners as well. First, I want to get rid of the notion that a kid who smokes marijuana is ‘bad’. Many parents would be disgusted that your son has smoked before, but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I think you are handling this situation correctly so far.
When reading before, I think someone mentioned that you should have raised your son right. I think that is absolutely ridiculous for someone to say that. Since I was young, my grandma, aunt, and mom always told me to never drink, smoke, etc. My grandma went so far as to tell me that I should not like people who do drink and smoke. Being very young, I took this as a truth. As I grew up, I was exposed to different perspectives, and I took on my own perspective. As a parent, it would be impossible to guarantee that the son/daughter will never do anything bad. It’s just impossible. As long as you have put forth effort as a parent, you have not done anything wrong.
Please, DO NOT ask your son to change friend groups. First of all, it’s unrealistic that your son will change friends upon request. Next, it is completely possible to not smoke weed and have friends that do. And you can outline this for your son if you wish. His friends won’t even care that he doesn’t smoke. It’s not like a person needs to drink or smoke to get into any ‘in group’. Also, it sounds like you have good communication with your son. If you ask your son to get new friends, it could backfire. That line of communication could be at risk.
As for the parents, I’d ignore them as long as they do not negatively affect you or your son. Best of luck.
@adamfromiowa, did you read the thread? The parents of the other kids won’t let them hang out with the OP’s son. So it is either find new friends, or have no friends.
I’ve found from raising three kids, that junior year is the year where many people change friends, mostly because of drug/alcohol choices. One of my sons also had two lonely years when his close friends had graduated and other friends turned to weed or alcohol. He got through the last two years by concentrating on Boy Scouts and band and playing too many video games. He found his people when he went to college. I think finding an EC that is interesting and even just one good friend can make a difference. Good luck.
I cc ant speak for everyone else but I didn’t think badly of the friends because they use pot or drink. I thought badly of them because they are shutting out their friend and lying to him. I wouldn’t accept friends like that for myself and certainly hope my kids have more self esteem than to think that is the kind of friendship the deserve.
I grew up in a small town and pretty much all of the kids drank and it did pot. I never drank alcohol in high school. I’ve never done pot in my life. My friends all knew it and never pressured me. I did drink a handful of times in college but it was only after I had an established group of friends who didn’t care either way and it was solely m choice. Not to fit in.
I could count on two hands the number of times I’ve consumed alcohol in the last 25 years. Interestingly enough, I’m very healthy and my doctor has never advised me that I should start so that I can get the positive benefits of either. I decided very log ago that there was more to life, friendship and having fun than drinking. I didn’t ever pressure friends to refrain, but I also would not consider anyone who judged me negatively for my decisions to be a good friend.
My kids are 12 and 15 and. Little young for me to say for sure what decisions they will make when faced with them. Is be pretty surprised if they did ever use pot though as they tend to not even want to take Tylenol for a headache. We’ve talked about it in context with medical use and they can’t even imagine that. I told them that I can see eating it in a baked good but smoking it seems like a poor choice as it is at least (some studies say more) damaging to your lungs that way.
Like Walkinghome said, I found that Junior year was a difficult year. For a variety of reasons, my friendship circles shifted. The thing that helped me was that I had ECs at school that were in a few different areas so it wasn’t just the music crowd or the drama crowd or the newspaper crowd or the yearbook crowd or the whatever crowd. I had a job working fast food where the other employees were from other schools in addition to my own. I was active in church which had another group of people from yet other schools. And there was adult interaction/affirmation with church and work as well.
Looking back, I hated Junior year. I was growing and changing. I made good choices and bad (nothing illegal, just normal kid stupid stuff). I found a lot of inner resilience. I’m not sure how much my parents knew what I was going through, but since I was one of five kids, there was always some drama with someone else that had my parents attention. So I kept a lot of it to myself. But I am sure I am not giving my parents, especially my mother, enough credit.
Make sure your son knows you love him. That you’ll take him someplace that captures his interest where he can meet new people. He’ll make new friends on his own terms. But at the very least encourage fresh waters for him to explore.
I totally agree with you. It’s something I think about. I’ve been guilty of this over the years myself. Your kid gets caught up in something, you counsel, but you also play the game with yourself of thinking, if only they didn’t hang out with so and so. Many years ago I finally decided that I could only counsel and help the one I have. And for that matter, I would never know the entire truth. So with my kids I always told them they were free to pick who they spent time with. If I heard rumors, I’d feel entitled to ask them about what I’d heard and hear them out. But at the end of the day, it was their behavior that I had to concern myself with. So if they choose to hang out with people that makes it easier for them to get caught up in stuff they shouldn’t be doing, that was their issue to solve, not mine. Yet, here my son finds himself with the very issue on him. They see him as a threat. He created much of his own mess in this case, regardless of what their kids are doing. My advice has not wavered. Keep your nose clean, be true to yourself and trustworthy to the best of your ability. If you follow those principles the haters have only themselves to contend with.
“If only they didn’t hang out with so and so.”
I’ve short circuited a few of my kid’s friendships in the past and I’m very glad I did.
OP, I’m sorry your son is lonely. That must be so hard for both of you. Encourage him to be proud of the changes he’s made in his life and to look forward to his future.
As other posters mentioned, what about joining track or maybe tennis? My son is not very athletic, but he loves tennis.
Another suggestion is a part time job somewhere like a movie theater or fast food where he can meet lots of other teens.
If these parents are banning OP’s son because they think he’s a bad influence, they’re in for a rude awakening. My S1 and another kid got in a minor scrape with the law in high school which didn’t include drugs or alcohol. We disciplined our S and moved on. The other parents couldn’t believe their son could do such a thing and banned him from association with our son. Not only did they become even better friends, but our S has been much more successful so far.
I would suggest you look into things that will get him out of town for the summer–a counselor in training at a camp, a summer academic program, a summer EC program, staying with relatives who live elsewhere and getting a summer job there, etc. Give him that to look forward to this summer, not just college in 2+ years.
“BTW, known the dad for years, he’s a judge, nice guy, but still, the welcome mat has been removed with regard to my son.”
Meaning an actual judge? If he is a judge odds are he already knows something and/or even if he doesn’t sending that email could get your son in trouble with the law…
To all the very posters who’ve taken time out of their day to comment, thank you thank you thank you! A little update. I would not have let him send that email in a million years. And I will discourage him from ever addressing those parents. He said he got the idea from me! Surprise surprise, he said when he first got caught back in 9th grade (sorry for those of you who are horrified, but yes kids makes mistakes) I’d forgotten this, but he was with one of those friends and while the other kid did not do anything, he did tell his parents and all the other parent found out too. I knew that for all these parents, a 9th grade slip would get everyone nervous so I decided to clear the air and confront it with them head on. I made it very very clear that we would not tolerate substance use of any kind and it would be met with consequences, and they need not worry that we were ‘look the other way’ type of folks. And further my son reminded me that when he started getting the idea that one of the parents was holding it against him, I recommended he talk to them and assure then he’d been really stupid but it wouldn’t happen again. So 3 years later, he was taking my advice! Ha! Still, I completely advised him to move on and never challenge a parent over their own house rules, no matter how ‘unjust’ you may perceive them to be. End of story. For those of you who recommended EC’s. He has them, he’s currently very into tennis, and will play varsity in a few short weeks. He’s involved in youth group at our church, a little, we like to call it ‘youth group lite’. And with much of the free time he’s had this winter, he’s turned up the volume on his reading (he hates video games) He’s blown thru Vonnegut, he’s exploring David Foster Wallace (Infinite Jest got him willing to discuss addiction issues), I can remember lots of nights he wanted to share his love for The Confederacy of Dunces, and he’s a huge fan of Bernie Sanders - he dragged a brother to one of the debates. He has a good summer job all lined up and there will be tons of other teens there, lots of nice kids. And yes I think till then a quick 1 weekend night job might help lots. I think the poster who said this may be on to something I’d forgotten does happen.
+++++++++++++++
In terms of what I think is happening … I think it’s an amalgam of what others have said, plus. I think the kids know he got in trouble, the parents know as well and they don’t want their angels to hang with them. Additionally, the kids are happy to go along with that plan because it makes it seem like they agree with the parents and will make the parents less suspicious that they are doing the same. He’s just collateral damage in their plan to keep doing drugs.
++++++++++++++++
I will not advise him to dump the friends, just be realistic about their motivations as well. And I have told him that while I appreciate his confidence, I’m not thrilled that his friends are occasional users - I’ll keep his confidence - but that I hope he understands that I’ll not tolerate him using any substances regardless of who does and who does not, period.
One other thing. Because he’s been a bit of a loner this year, and trust me, yes it’s been hard to watch. He’s become a bit of a hater himself. And I gently remind him that it won’t make him likeable, it’s understandable, but haters are depressing, so try to be open minded and realize that everyone has issues, not just him.
@calicash smoking a little marijuana occasionally is not a functioning drug addict. Scare tactics like that are extremely harmful in themselves. @baseballmom I have not been smoking anything. The fact is 72 per cent of high school students use alcohol at some point during high school and 45 per cent use marijuana. For college students two thirds admitted drinking within the last 30 days and around one half admitted to binge drinking. Further a majority of americans think that marijuana is less harmful than alcohol. It is far better to teach your kids to be responsible than to ignore the issues. That is what I have done for my kids and it has worked very well
OP’s acknowledgement that they refused to let their son get his drivers license for over a year is excessive IMO. Further we don’t know what other punishments OP inflicted upon their son and how those affected his relationships with other kids
proudparent26, just out of curiosity? If you kid got their permit and then every time they got close to being ready for their license, you found out they’d gone out and smoked weed. So we’d hold him off for a month or 2. Then that would pass and he didn’t finish his driving hours, so there’s another 3 months to finish all that. But back to my question, you’d actually let them drive your car knowing that they’re having control issues with substances? You’d actually let them get their license knowing all that? As for what else we did. We actually believe in short consequences given that teens have short attention spans, and not only that, it just seems punitive to keep loading it on.