fullmom I have zero tolerance for driving under the influence. That doesn’t seem to be the issue here. You said your son used marijuana occasionally. That means to me once a month. I don’t see that as control issues with substances. I see that as recreational usage. So if my kid used weed occasionally it would have no bearing on my decision regarding the DL. If you live in a state like Colorado I could see where your son could have problems with the other kids.
OP, so your kid has been through this twice and the other parents know about both? It explains their reaction better.
I think what what on is not so rare, this sounds like something I have seen played out over a variety of things. The parents of the other kids may very well likely think that the OP’s kid is why their kids are doing pot, feel he is the instigator, and therefore don’t want the kid around theirs. It could also be the old middle class morality/hypocrisy, where they publicly all proclaim how perfect their families are, and as long as it doesn’t get out in public, well, that is okay (kind of like “Victorian Morality” was basically a joke, that was all image, no substance)
Without getting into whether Marijuana is okay or not, you have made clear that you guys won’t tolerate it, and that is your right as a parent. If it was my own son, I would try and explain to him about what happened, about consequences, and how he is discovering a world where there are consequences and that sometimes the consequences are not fair, like the reaction of the other kids and/or their parents (or at least seem unfair). I would talk about the reality that you can’t change other people, and for example, the e-mail he sent would likely only make it worse for himself, in that the parents would be even more convinced he was the problem, and that lashing out like that likely would make it worse. I also would tell him there are a lot more people in the world than the kids he hung out with, and that he will find others, kids who in fact might be more friends to him, ones who will understand if he fails and are there for them, those are the true friends. Nice part is he doesn’t need a lot of friends, if he can find at least one good friend, he will be fine IMO.
It also is the age, as others said,even in the dark ages when I was in high school, that time was a dividing line. I tended to hang out with an eclectic crowd growing up, and at that age a lot had wandered off, some of the bright but quirky kids I hung out with ended up being into the drug culture, which I wasn’t, others became focused on hyper academics, they were going for the ivy league admit, and didn’t have time for friends much. I spent a lot of time by myself, doing my own things, but I also had some new friends I cultivated, through being a gear head, and also by being in band and such, they replaced the older generation of friends I had had. That transition sucks, and I would tell my son that as lonely as it can be, that it will pass and he will find new friends, ones who may not have the baggage the old ones did. The one thing I would emphasize is he needs to be true to himself and find friends who like him for who he is.
I looked at this thread this morning and decided to watch how the responses would go. Interesting perspectives.
One of my 2 s’s also had a change of friendships in around 11th grads, as some be an to get into pot, which. He did not approve of at that time. We took one friend of his on a vacation with us and the minute he got in the car it reeked of pot. His parents were clueless. But he was a pretty big pothead (sons words, not mine). Not that it matters, with an N of 1, but he (the pothead) is now finishing his anesthesia residency at a very prestigious Northeast hospital.
Your son will survive HS and find his people
Get him excited about college>>>>>>>
Heck yeah! This is prime time. He should be picking out some schools to visit this spring and be making plans to take the SAT’s, etc. He can re-focus on two things we have mentioned: track, if he can/is willing and planning for college.
It does disservice to this thread to keep cycling back to weed. OP is trying to make sense of a social issue, not gather opinions on smoking weed.
OP’s update at post #57 is very clear. OP and husband do not allow smoking pot or alcohol, but they did not flip out and ground son for life because he broke the rules. I think the son was appropriately punished (no license and other penalties). Son is paying the price because he now has a reputation, deserved or undeserved, among his friends and their parents. That’s tough on son, and he’s learning that.
Her question was what to do for the outside world, not for the family punishment. I really liked the suggestion of getting out of Dodge for the summer. Sounds like he’ll be busy with tennis for the rest of the spring. Time will help. If the other boys and their parents see OP’s son being successful with tennis or a job, they might loosen up a big. Son could end up with a girlfriend and get into another group at school that way.
Time and sports are good things. Sports might (but might not) keep him on the straight and narrow. My daughter doesn’t listen to me about drinking and pot, but she sure listens to her coach and the NCAA. This week is spring break for her and she can’t drink because she has games every other day and she can’t drink within 48 hours of a game. She does NOT break that rule because she knows the coach will suspend her. So much for Spring Break in Florida.
We never faced these issues because our kids had chronic health issues, so they weren’t at all interested in anything that could even possibly further impair their health. At the time, it was pretty grim for all of us, but HS is full of challenges.
The good thing is that OP’s S can learn from it as to how he wants to move forward and his he will deal with similar situations which will inevitably arise in the future, when he hay be further from you and your support.
My D lost most of her close friends during her senior year of hs due to a bad breakup. Like in some divorces, her ex told friends that they couldn’t be friends with both of them and everyone picked him. D was sad for a while, but decided to move on. She cultivated friendships with those couple of friends who remained. I didn’t approve of some of them (they were a heavy party crowd), but I knew that D needed some short-term friends. What really kept her going was her outside of school activities (acting) and the knowledge that she was going to college. It was a rough six months - but she made it. I believe that she is a stronger person for it. She went to college and made lots and lots of new friends.
Tough times CAN make our kids more resilient. It is painful, but growth can occur from that and help us get stronger and have a better idea of what makes a GOOD friend. Those are life lessons worth learning.
I learned a ton through some brutal breakups too. It helped me be much more selective about deep friendships and have lots of nice acquaintances.
Well sadly now there’s more to the story. My son for all his ‘talk’ went out last night and bought weed and smoked it. How do I know? I looked at his texts when my suspicions were up and his requests for it were right there typed by none other than himself. Here’s what we said to our son this morning after he sat there confronted yet again this issue and could offer up nothing to help us understand why it seems so worth it. He saw our disappointment. He saw my disgust of which I could not hide because after all I think he’s been playing me all week and lets face it for some time. And what I said to him was that it’s painfully obvious to me now that he’s made the decision to ignore good advice from us, and simply allow this in his life, regardless of the consequences. I am truly surprised because as I pointed out to him, his use makes his world just that much smaller, with less freedoms, and for what? Is pot really that great? He’s showing us that to him it is. And of course now he gives us no choice but to limit what we’d planned to do for him. Just today he and I were supposed to go look at a couple of colleges. I took that off the table. My husband was so completely baffled after realizing how deceitful he’d been of late that he simply said ‘oh well, hope you like community college because I’m not interested in helping you out when you can’t live up to your word and be trusted’. My DH sent him out to look for a job. So now here we are back to square one. Tired of the game, tired of taking the car away, but really, no interest in allowing him to drive our car when he’s so unappreciative of what he has. It’s just a real let down.
So sorry
I am sorry to hear that. While I do not have this problem with my sons, back when I was young years ago pot was something that some of my high school and college friends did. Where I would be really concerned is that by taking away college you may push him towards being not just a user but a seller. I was on a jury a couple of years ago here in Georgia and they caught a young man with a gallon size bag of pot. He ended up with a sentence for a number years in prison. I think it was up to 10 years. I don’t know what the answer is for you and your son, but maybe finding out the laws in your area and explaining the penalties would help.
Does it help at all to hear that many of us dealt with the same sort of back and forth frustrations? Maybe not drugs, but other ways. One of the first things someone said to us as new parents was the old line, “One step forward, two steps back.”
I wouldn’t pull the rug out. Not because it might drive him in the wrong directions, but because growth is a continuum and you want to hang on to whatever influence you do have. Be mad, be furious, but be a constant.
This is only me, but I’d reschedule the college trips. We sometimes have more authority in our savvy than by meting out justice in an authoritarian way (not saying you are.) But we wouldn’t be off to the cozy, sweet colleges on a dream list. I’d make a different point.
I’m really sorry.
This hasn’t been an issue for us, but I’ve often wondered how I would respond to what, really, is pretty age-appropriate behavior in terms of testing limits and experimentation. One offense, OK. But multiple issues and ongoing deception? Not OK. I think I’d probably get the kid in therapy just to help me determine whether there is a larger issue as denial is a powerful force.
I have a nephew who was/is? into drugs and was cited for driving while under the influence. The one mistake I can see that the parents made was to not present a united front. My SIL withheld information from her dh because she knew he’d come down on their ds in a way she wouldn’t. Which is perhaps why this has dragged out for years. Ex: She found a significant amount of weed in ds’s room, more than you’d think he’d smoke. She worried that he was now selling. She told me, but not her dh. 
Make sure you and dh are in agreement about how to proceed, however that may look.
Please keep us posted, and (((hugs))).
Sorry and hugs to you. I know I’d be furious also. So time for a deep breath. You probably feel betrayed because you thought you had a really open relationship and now he’s lied to you. But his untruthfulness is normal–he’d hurt you and get in trouble at the same time. Double whammy. He’s not stupid.
Take a few days and reconsider the college trips. He’s a good student and does well in school you say. Overall a good kid except for this? Get him excited about something outside his too small world. And his behavior is normal–nobody I’m aware of can explain why they do (or did) stupid things.
jym626 thanks…
MichiganGeorgia - okay so I totally agree with you. But at this very tender moment I wouldn’t have driven him to the ER unless his arm was hanging off (smile). I can’t imagine him turning out to be a drug dealer. I told him today that he was making choices today that will impact his future. He needed to recognize that, no matter how alluring it all is, his actions will present him with a different future. I said it’s always so interesting to me that kids his age are so quick to judge ‘the man’ and the issues they find so unjust. Then I asked him if he realized that his use supports an industry that is completely corrupt and not at all concerned with their customers. Sure he gets a high, and his dealer may be the dude two rows over at lunch, but he has a dealer and his dealer has a dealer, and so on and so on. And with each layer, each person gets more evil and corrupt and dangerous. He was doing his part in keeping that whole wheel running. That’s not scare tactics I said, it’s just the truth of the industry.
looking forward - EVERYTHING you said helps. Truly. Wise words of wisdom. I have taken them to heart.
You dont say -thanks as well - My DH and I are a totally united front in that we would never ever hide a thing from each other, and talk stuff out so that we stay on the same page. But we’re not carbon copies of each other. He tends to get quiet and sulk, always comes around and I think the kids adore him for it. I am the talker, sometimes yeller, sometimes fence mender, but for sure, I am the cop, and the kids have at times hated me for it. I’ve hated it too, parenting is tough, really tough sometimes.