We have the opposite problem of many posters here: We enjoy having visitors and want more. Our place is small, but we always have a spare bedroom. We live in a highly-desirable, ocean-front area that is a Mecca for tourism. The problem is that most of our friends live very far away and have busy careers, so finding the money and time to visit us is difficult for them.
The friends and family that have actually visited have been very respectful. They bring host gifts, they help cook and clean, they take us out for meals, and so on. These friends and family members go home knowing that we have done our absolute best to make their vacation everything that they had desired. When we visit, these friends and family members do the same: thoughtfully host us, take us out, facilitate all the sightseeing that we desire, and so on. I honestly can’t say that anyone (us or them) has been abusive.
I do know people though that really like to keep friends and family at arms length. Years ago, I had a neighbor family (two parents, two young daughters) that lived in a 4200 sq. ft, five-bedroom house. The mom never allowed anyone to stay overnight. When the FIL/g-parent visited, he had to get a hotel room and rent a car; he could drop by their house, but the mom insisted that he leave promptly at 8pm. I always thought that this behavior was incredibly petty and weird. I don’t want to be remembered like that, after I’m gone.
A follow-up comment… I love to travel. When I think back on the best trips that I’ve ever had, some of the ones that spring to mind are those when I visited friends who proved to be consummate hosts. I have never been back to see them (they live in far-flung places) but I’ll never forget their generosity and hospitality.
As a Mainer, this is a common problem. Funny enough I don’t really enjoy being a houseguest, but I rather enjoy having houseguests. At least for short visits.
I certainly don’t expect them from my children or close relatives. However, over July 4th weekend my son’s FMIL stayed with us for five days. She brought a very small hostess gift (some Mary Kay lotions) and took us all out to dinner one night. But I really expected to receive a note.
Nope. Not a peep after she departed the scene. Not even an email (which would have been perfectly fine).
I think it’s different when it’s a second home vs. primary home. When we had our lake house, we loved having guests, as many as could fit. True, it became a blur of meals and cleanup at times, but it gradually evolved to the point where we only invited our closest crew, and they were champs at rolling up their sleeves and helping. It was understood among all the kids that if you wanted a sandwich or anything else, it was YOUR responsibility to go make it. When your guests work hard to help out, it gives the hosts more time to enjoy themselves also. But I will confess there were times it was still exhausting. At our last gathering before we moved out, some of our friends cried with us when they left for the last time.
If your primary home is in a vacation spot, it’s different, because YOU are not on vacation-you may still have to work, or have very set routines. I don’t have a rule of no guests, but we don’t have them often, and when we do, we experience a lot of what has already been mentioned. I hate the whole concept of being “on.” I like my quiet and privacy at home, and that is seriously disrupted when having guests. Now that my Dad is a widower and has moved to San Antonio, he has visited a couple of times. I love him so dearly-but he never.stops.talking. Never. I have to make an excuse to escape to my bedroom at times so that I don’t lose my sanity.
Umm, cannot imagine not wearing a bra around the house-not because of modesty, but for me, it’s uncomfortable! I’m trying to lose weight (again), so maybe I’ll get to the point where it would feel good to go braless, but I’m not holding my breath!
We love having houseguests, and do often at both our main home and our second home. All are invited, though, and not just people who suggest that they drop by! I know a couple who win the award for the world’s biggest mooches. They never pay to stay anywhere. No matter where they go, they find someone they know, even remotely, and ask if they can stay. In England, last year, it was a distant cousin they’d never met and an early classmate they hadn’t seen in over 60 years. I can’t imagine ever doing that. The latest, and possibly the worst, example is when they asked a woman they had met on a cruise (which they had won) earlier this year if their son and his family could stay at this woman’s vacation home this fall! And no, this couple has never stayed with us. They have inquired when they’re ‘in the area’ but we’ve always been full.
As for visiting others, most of the time we say no and just get a hotel room. DH had major colon surgery after having stage 3 cancer. His plumbing is rather unpredictable. He will be fine for a couple of days, then he has a day where is he is in and out of the bathroom for hours at a time, or all night long. He needs privacy at these times (and trust me, the other guests would likely agree), so sharing a bathroom with umpteen others or even a private bath in a small house would still not work.
You can all imagine how overjoyed I was when we found our current home during an open house. The master bedroom is secluded and has TWO full bathrooms, on opposite corners of the room!
Well, I’m expecting about 15 visitors in the next couple of days thanks to Irma. Nieces, nephews and their kids, one of their neighbors and their family, MIL, BIL and his family. Should be interesting!
We had 28 visitors this summer - a group of 19, a family of 7, and then my BFF and her SO. I told the large groups that they had the use of the extra fridge and the kitchen, but that I wouldn’t cook for them. It worked out well.
@doschicos, they were a bunch of young people here to do volunteer work. Some of them stayed in a tent in the back yard. Others piled into the bonus room over the garage. The two group leaders and their four young kids stayed in a small guest room!
I get many visitors to our vacation home and I do get quite a few thank you notes and gifts after the visit. I have a book where I keep all the thank-you notes–it is fun to read them. Most folks don’t write thank-you notes; they are more likely to bring a hostess gift.
We have fewer people visiting our main home–my daughter’s inlaws often stay with us for the Thanksgiving or Christmas when D and SIL are there. I really have had very few rude/thoughtless guests or anyone who overstayed his or her welcome.
A couple of years in a row, D1 brought 7-9 friends from her grad school town to our lake house for July 4 weekend festivities. They drove 17 hours to get here. They all had a fantastic time and were so nice with their thanks and kind words. One of D1’s friends is an artist. For his thank you card, he sent us an oil painting of our yard/fire pit/lake view that he painted shortly after he returned home. We cherish this painting, especially now that we have sold the house.
The next year, another friend (a photographer) put a beautiful photo of our house on canvas and had it sent out a couple of weeks later. All the kids chipped in for the materials and all signed the thank you card. Again, cherished!
We had sixteen in the house the week of S2’s wedding. Glorious chaos. Definitely not for everyone, but folks seemed to have a good time. I invited them all to come back at a time we were less crazed so we could all spend more time sightseeing.
After we moved to San Diego, we expected tons of guests. We’re within 10-20 minutes of all major attractions, a mile from the ocean, and have a lovely guest room overlooking our resort style back yard and pool. Honestly, we could probably make a lot of money renting on airbnb or something.
But much to our surprise, almost no visitors. DS of course has been several times, and SIL came out from NYC once to see her brother’s new home. My brother keeps saying he’ll come after he retires, which has been pushed back. Apparently we are to be one stop on a mass trip over several states that he plans to hit a number of friends, relatives, and offices. And as far as I can tell, other SIL (his wife) may never come, over which I lose no sleep. Most of her traveling has been to visit niece and nephew, who also apparently have no interest in visiting.
Very good friends back east (MA and NH) claim they’ll visit when the wife retires in a couple of years. They’ve been traveling all over though, and not only to see their three kids. Other expected friends haven’t expressed interest, no matter how many enticing pictures I put on Facebook. I wonder if they still like us? :-/
cb, if your guests become too annoying - come over to our house to work! We’re quiet and have no one else around to bother you.
I’ve given up trying to pretend to be the ‘on’ host for the constantly repeating guests (but I am ‘on’ for special guests). I like to just retreat in the evenings with my iPad, CC, taped HGTV flip shows or a good book. I am not up for chit chat. I want to hog the couch and get comfortable. I’m not a great hostess anymore!!!
Many years ago we went to Cape Cod and stayed with our friends at her parent’s huge old singled beach house that they had inherited from her grandparents. It was the coolest place! Anyway that large family had endured decades of friends and family members constantly coming and going all summer long. They had a rule that they called the “Cape Cod rule.” That was, they would serve you the first drink or snack or whatever, and after that, anything you wanted you were welcome to get youself. We adopted and have transplanted that rule forever after, and we still call it the “Cape Cod rule.”
I think it’s wonderful that you’re hosting family as they evacuate from Irma. But I do think that’s an entirely different kind of experience than someone who has chosen to leave home, with the necessary possessions, to vacation with family and friends.
Kudos to you for doing what is absolutely the right thing, even though it will mean a real disruption of your life and the lives of your family.
I am in total visitor fatigue right now. I live near where @lje62 does, so yeah, it’s a vacation-y kind of area. I like al the people who came through a lot, but what’s hard is that though I have summers “off” so I look not busy, that’s the time I get my own work done (the not-much-paid work that I love.) But, to visitors, I don’t have a “job” then, so it’s hard to fit it in around them. And I’m not good at scheduling–I’m a “mull by myself all day, then sit down to write when I’m ready” type, which doesn’t work at all with anyone there. I need to get better at boundary setting for myself, as well as others.
Mostly our visitors are family and friends that we love. They respond to the open invitation to come down some time, and will write and say, “is such and such a time good?” This works till a whole bunch decides the same summer is good, so it gets kind of back to back sometimes.
It’s also hybrid-y because the house is technically our “second house” but it’s where we live all summer and every weekend, so we’re not “vacationing” when we’re there.
By the end of the summer, I never wanted to wash another sheet again!
But every visit was wonderful, and I got to catch up with some folks I hadn’t seen in years, so overall, it’s a good thing. I just need to figure out my own way of living in my head without interruption when there are others around. I do have an office; I need to just schedule myself ‘retreats’ there–that’s probably the answer.
I know a couple who win the award for the world’s biggest mooches. They never pay to stay anywhere. No matter where they go, they find someone they know, even remotely, and ask if they can stay. In England, last year, it was a distant cousin they’d never met and an early classmate they hadn’t seen in over 60 years. I can’t imagine ever doing that. The latest, and possibly the worst, example is when they asked a woman they had met on a cruise (which they had won) earlier this year if their son and his family could stay at this woman’s vacation home this fall! And no, this couple has never stayed with us. They have inquired when they’re ‘in the area’ but we’ve always been full. 
