My son is a senior in college, majoring in computer science. We’d expected that he’d go down the same path as his brother-graduate, get a tech job making a high salary, and live the good life as a software developer in NYC or SF. A short time ago, he threw us a curve ball, saying that after he graduated, he wanted to pursue something in theatre. I guess it shouldn’t be such a surprise, he has performed in almost every play possible in high school and college over the last eight years. We knew it was his passion, but he always said that he knew how difficult it was to be successful in theatre, and that he wanted a job with a good income, he didn’t want to be a starving artist. He isn’t naïve about the challenges.
I guess we’re having a hard time visualizing his future. He’s a talented actor, and we sometimes cry when we watch him, as he really makes us believe the role, but everyone know how tough it is out there. After spending half a million on private schools over his lifetime, it’s hard to think that all of that went towards having to get a couple of part time, low paid jobs while pursuing this, which is the likelihood. I know there’s some people on this forum whose children are very successful in this field, but I think they know their kids are the exception, not the rule.
For my husband and I, our careers were very linear. Get an engineering degree, go into military aviation, then civilian aviation, one step logically follows the next. I am thinking that this doesn’t have to be a permanent decision for my son, he can pursue this for a year or two…and if things don’t work out as he’d liked, he can step back into the tech world. It all sounds so simple for someone else’s kid, but when you thought everything was set for your own kid, and they change the plan—it’s not so easy. I’m trying to not influence his decision, to be disapproving, because I sure don’t want to be the one to stop him from following his dream. I know these choices are his own. But as a parent, how would you deal with this??
I am guessing I’m fairly similar to you. Went to college so I could get a job and support myself. I’m fairly risk averse. When I sent my son to college I expected a different outcome on multiple fronts. Mostly I’m happy that he seems to have become a fairly well rounded individual. He does not want to get a “career” job right away. He wants to spend a year doing things he thinks he will enjoy. I’m trying to be OK with that, but I have told him he needs to be able to mostly support himself. I sprang for the expensive school too…
Yes, @1214mom, same situation. Sounds like we felt the responsibility to provide a good living for ourselves, but our kids want to follow their dreams—low income or not. Has he graduated yet, and what support do you think you will give? My husband says he’ll be on his own (though we have medical insurance for him, and will keep him on our cell phone plan). We haven’t talked about the money issue yet, but he hasn’t asked for anything. Maybe people will give some insight on this thread that will help you be okay with it, too!
My son is still in college. He should graduate in May. I remind him regularly that I expect him to get a job, and take advantage of the so far way inderutilized expensive school resources to help find one. I really wanted him to stay an additional year to get a grad degree, but he’s not interested at this point. I will keep him on insurance, probably including car, and pay his cell for a little while, assuming he’s trying. If he lives with us he may not have to pay rent, but that’s situation dependent. Good luck to you and your son.
One thing that might help is to avoid assuming that your son would make a lot of money in computer science and will be dirt poor as an actor or that he would be satisfied in computer science. D1 graduated from college two years ago with a somewhat amorphous major in art and culture. She knew she didn’t want an office job. She talked her way into two waitressing jobs and at the second one, made more money than her father does. She saved enough money to move from southern California to New York City. She had job offers at restaurants by three days after her arrival in NYC. She loves being in NYC because of the opportunities she’s surrounded with for doing her art and being with other artists.
“One thing that might help is to avoid assuming that your son would make a lot of money in computer science and will be dirt poor as an actor or that he would be satisfied in computer science”
Ah, but it is a logical assumption that he would make good salary in CS, and a low one as an actor, as that is the norm. I don’t assume that he’d be satisfied in CS, though. Glad your daughter seems happy, and hope she can capture some of those opportunities.
I assumed my daughter would not be able to find a job in a restaurant, given that she had no experience, and I assumed that she wouldn’t make much money. Both assumptions were wrong. I think ones 20s are a great time to follow dreams.
D2 is having a very, difficult lesson tonight on the stresses of not making enough money while pursuing a job in the acting industry. Her rescue dog just had another $5,000 spinal surgery today, just 12 months after having had her first one - which we loaned her the money and she’s still paying us back. As much as it has ripped my heart open, I didn’t even offer this afternoon when she called; I have no idea what she and her SO are going to do to pay this bill. SO has a decent job right now, whereas last year when it happened, he did not, so maybe they can handle it right now. She is only 26 years old, and I give her until 30 to figure out she’ll need to get something more permanent if nothing has panned out with acting. There are a lot of 30 year olds who still choose to live below poverty level to pursue this passion, but I think at that point you really need to be doing something more reliable. However, even then, it won’t be my call (I expect she’ll be married by that point so I guess a lot depends on how she and her husband decide to share the responsibilities). She mainly manages with three part-time jobs that have a lot of flexibility so it allows her to go to auditions and accept some small projects (in fact, she was on set today when her SO called her to tell her about their dog, and she couldn’t leave). (If your son moves to LA and can also sing, let me know; the place where D works one of her part-time jobs is always looking for good male singers!)
H was 28 when he got his first real job out of graduate school (at a company he has been at ever since); we already had two kids and I wasn’t working, so we absolutely know what it’s like to struggle, and we survived. It was hard, but in hindsight, we learned there were a lot of things we just didn’t need and discovered new ways to entertain ourselves for free… skills and lessons that go a long way in life. My gut instinct tells me, if D really finds that she values monetary things more and needs more things in her life, then she’ll have to make that decision to scrap her plans and go with Plan B. I suppose it’s hard to sit back and watch her older sister’s career take off, but for right now, that kind of lifestyle (9-5 job in the corporate world) would suck the life out of her. So she has to follow her own dreams, even if it’s not the difficult life we would choose for her.
Parents have a tendency to want security and safety for their kids. Its part of our dna.
But life is diminished if a person has a dream, has an opportunity to go for it, and doesn’t take a chance.
We are living here.
I understand the acting issue. I would have some angst.
I would still expect my kids to go after their dreams. My son is a gambler. I have no idea how things are going to work out for him. I think things are going to work out well. It is his life. I enjoy watching.
I was in NYC recently, I saw the play about the autistic kid accused of killing a dog. I was blown away by the talent.
I wish I had that kind of talent. I am always blown away by professional actors and actresses. To have that gift where people are drawn to watch you is pretty rare.
I have two cousins by marriage who were actors. They acted for awhile and then they moved on. One teaches drama in a high school. The other is an editor and a publisher. One was in a commercial that played during a super bowl. She said one word during the commercial. Paid off her mortgage with that one word. Ok. This was many years ago when home prices were lower.
To be able to act, to perform in front of people professionally takes great skill. Skills that carry into other fields.
If my kids wanted to be actors, I would go watch their performances!
Wow, teriwtt, what a story! That’s a long time to struggle, I think my kid was just planning on trying it for a short time. That’s got to be tough watching your kid go through all of that. And I’ll remember to advise—no dogs, they can be really expensive!! Generous of you to loan them the money, 5K for surgery, holy cow.
You know, though, there’s something to be said for going through tough times. My kids have never seen them, they were too young to see the years where we had almost no income, dual unemployment, no jobs in sight. And some of that experience has made me feel strong, to know that if I had to, I could survive on almost nothing again. My older son will never see times like that, got a high paying job almost a year before he graduated, but he does not value money that much, so it’s fairly irrelevant. Younger son does value money, so I don’t know if he can stick it out for many years with low pay.
What does his resume look like right now and what has he been doing in the way if internships etc? If he wants to act - or try to act - unless you’re going to support him, he’ll need a side job or two. For a CS grad , couldn’t he get into coding? It’s a flexible work from home kind of job that’ll bring in cash while letting him look for his big break for a while. Then if his big break doesn’t come and he wants or needs to go back to CS - he’ll have some semblance if work experience in his field.
As much as people think - it’ll be ok, I has a solid fallback degree. Reality is that ESP in rapidly changing fields like tech, if you go off and do something radically unrelated for any length of time (I’d say anything less than 2 yrs is probably still ok), it becomes really hard to convince an employer to hire you - when they have a stack of resumes from people younger than you who absolutely knew they would pursue CS as evidenced by the fact that they have linear resumes, while you were off singing and dancing.
"I have two cousins by marriage who were actors. They acted for awhile and then they moved on. One teaches drama in a high school. The other is an editor and a publisher. One was in a commercial that played during a super bowl. She said one word during the commercial. Paid off her mortgage with that one word. Ok. This was many years ago when home prices were lower.
Paid off the mortgage with one word? Wow! Either it was a lot of money, or she only had a small amount left on her mortgage!
“If my kids wanted to be actors, I would go watch their performances!”
We have watched almost every single one of his performances, sometimes flying 2500 miles and back, just for one day. Funny, as blindsided and shocked as my husband is, he gets tears in his eyes and raves about how wonderful our son did, every single time.
It’s just scary when you think your kid had it all laid out in a safe, prosperous plan…and they take such a huge detour.
busdriver11, I saw a play in Silicon Valley this past summer and there were a surprising number of actors/singers who mentioned in their bios that they worked as software engineers during the day!
Super Bowl ads can pay quite the pretty penny. (A family member was in the one with Betty White a few years back and still sees income from it.)
I have several relatives on both sides in show business- very successful, some household names. Their advice to anyone looking to break in: don’t. It’s cut-throat, miserable, and most never make it. But, if you’re going to, do it before you have a family. It’s one thing to live in poverty by yourself but it’s another to bring in a family. (Now, as someone who actually did grow up in poverty, I don’t think it’s the end of the world but that’s another issue.)
Growing up doing theater and marrying into a theater family, I have a lot of friends on both coasts struggling to make it. But they’re happy. They’re young and doing what they want without parental support.
I can’t speak from a parent’s perspective but I can speak from that.
“What does his resume look like right now and what has he been doing in the way if internships etc? If he wants to act - or try to act - unless you’re going to support him, he’ll need a side job or two. For a CS grad , couldn’t he get into coding? It’s a flexible work from home kind of job that’ll bring in cash while letting him look for his big break for a while. Then if his big break doesn’t come and he wants or needs to go back to CS - he’ll have some semblance if work experience in his field.”
He’s had some decent CS work, though not for the big guys. CS instructor, CS internship at a research hospital. We are willing to put him through a CS bootcamp if necessary, which does have a job guarantee, but he’s got to want to do that pretty badly. Older son says it could be difficult getting a part time job coding, it’s generally full time, but perhaps there is more flexibility as a contractor. Actually, he would love to have a part time job in CS so he can make more money than most other options. He just doesn’t know how available that option is, without serious skills. If that was a strong possibility, that would make life far easier.
“As much as people think - it’ll be ok, I has a solid fallback degree. Reality is that ESP in rapidly changing fields like tech, if you go off and do something radically unrelated for any length of time (I’d say anything less than 2 yrs is probably still ok), it becomes really hard to convince an employer to hire you - when they have a stack of resumes from people younger than you who absolutely knew they would pursue CS as evidenced by the fact that they have linear resumes, while you were off singing and dancing.”
My older son has also said that people take time off from CS often. They make a bunch of money, then take several months off, then go on to the next job. I guess it all depends upon your experience and how well you interview. He also thinks it’s not a big deal to take a significant break before working, however, we are kind of panicked about that first job out of college.
With his computer skills, he ought to be able to land a better-paying “day job” than most starving artists, so I say sit back, and let him give his dream career a shot.
With his background in theater and in computer science, he might be just the guy for an opening at one of the theater-related tech businesses like http://www.vectorworks.net/
Lots of people in performing arts have day jobs to pay the bills…
So do not be too surprised if he uses his CS degree to get day jobs (or contract jobs) to pay the bills while he tries to gain traction as a performing artist. Or, if he does not get to the point of being able to earn enough in performing arts, he may stay in CS jobs and do performing arts as an “extracurricular”.
Performing arts seems analogous to sports in many ways. Only a few who do sports are able to make it their primary jobs to earn enough money to live on. But many other people do sports as a recreational activity while doing other work to earn money to live on.
“busdriver11, I saw a play in Silicon Valley this past summer and there were a surprising number of actors/singers who mentioned in their bios that they worked as software engineers during the day!”
Really? Amazing. Seems like maybe you could do community theatre at a lower level with a full time job, but not a serious theatre job, because of all the rehearsals. Then again, I don’t know! I’ll have to tell him that.
You know, after reading some of these posts, I’m thinking that maybe the question I should be asking is, “What kind of part time jobs can you get with a CS degree?” Because honestly, I think that would make us all happy! He could keep on the tech track and probably make a halfway decent part time salary in his field, and we would be far less concerned about such a gap in employment. But it seems like you’d have to have some serious skills to be hired part time, then again, I don’t know.
