OMG, were these people raised by wolves?! My Ds wouldn’t have had the money.
@3bm103 - WOW! That may the tackiest thing I have ever heard! What happened to that friendship? 
It is certainly SOMETIMES rude to order more courses than others at the table. The polite thing to do is not to order additional courses without discussing it and getting the go-ahead from others at the table. It is boorish to keep others at the table while ordering dessert and then coffee without at least asking the others who have declined if they mind.
Similarly, if a small group is going out to a chic restaurant for the tasting menu, there is something a little rude about the person who just orders a single starter. It diminishes the enjoyment of others at the table. That may not be enough of a reason to refrain from doing it, but doing something that diminishes the enjoyment of others can be a little rude at times. There may be good reason that justifies the small rudeness.
It is MOST polite to order the same number of courses of others at the table. Think of how you’d act with relative strangers whom you were trying to court – prospective clients or a job interviewer. If the client team all wanted starters, wouldn’t you at least order something small as a starter to be gracious? And if a job interviewer were ordering an entree only would you really order the tasting menu? It is common sense. And if most people were ordering dessert, wouldnt you at least consider ordering a cup of decaf to signal that you arent waiting for them to finish?
If you are the host (which we generally are), we will suggest an appetizer or ask if folks would like to share appetizers for the table, if it’s that kind of place. Folks will be interested or not. Lingering over a medal when everyone else wants to leave would be awkward, but haven’t been in that situation.
I do resent it when I order light (appetizer and soup or salad because I’m looking forward to dessert), and others order entrees they want me to help eat. No, if I wanted more, I would have ordered more. I’m not interested in eating a brick of meat, even if it has a fancy name and price tag. It is ok if you offer, but don’t make me feel bad or awkward that I don’t want to finish your food!
My kids were big eaters growing up, and we always served them adult food, which included adult menu instead of kid’s menu when we went out to eat. When they were between 8-12 and eating adult portions, we used to have to feed them first before they went out to eat with their friend’s family, or else they would be hungry later. We always reminded them to order from the menu that’s given to them, and wait for their host (friend) order first. It is strange to expect a child to pay for meals when he/she invited by the family.
I"hink of how you’d act with relative strangers whom you were trying to court – prospective clients or a job interviewer. If the client team all wanted starters, wouldn’t you at least order something small as a starter to be gracious? "
No.
" And if a job interviewer were ordering an entree only would you really order the tasting menu?"
That’s different. You’re not in an “equal” position the way you all are when you are going out with your family.
“And if most people were ordering dessert, wouldnt you at least consider ordering a cup of decaf to signal that you arent waiting for them to finish?”
No. Why would I waste money on a cup of coffee that I wasn’t in the mood to have?
I do think it’s good to take your cue from a host in general, but for family? Oh goodness. If you want both the soup and salad with your entree, get it already, regardless of what I’m having.
But wouldn’t you still ask to see if the other person minded? My mom might say, “You know what, my knees are killing me and I’d prefer to make this a quick meal” or my daughter might say, " Umm, I forgot to tell you I’m meeting my boyfriend in an hour." Or my sister might say, “Let’s eat light and go to [different hot place] for dessert.” Then there might be a subtle negotiation. But I can’t imagine not saying, “Are you getting an appetizer? Mind if I do?” 99% of the time the answer is, " No, I don’t mind."
Also, 99% of the time when I go out with girlfriends, we split the check evenly. I think that leads to people subtly trying to keep the expenses on each side relatively even. It is subtle, but it definitely happens. If one person has the side salad and water and the other has a full meal, the person having the full meal will generally pick up the entire check but there are times when it can get awkward. It is MOST polite to avoid causing awkwardness.
“But wouldn’t you still ask to see if the other person minded? My mom might say, “You know what, my knees are killing me and I’d prefer to make this a quick meal” or my daughter might say, " Umm, I forgot to tell you I’m meeting my boyfriend in an hour.” Or my sister might say, “Let’s eat light and go to [different hot place] for dessert.” Then there might be a subtle negotiation. But I can’t imagine not saying, “Are you getting an appetizer? Mind if I do?” 99% of the time the answer is, " No, I don’t mind."
I guess it depends. If it’s with my immediate family, I already know that we’re in a hurry because someone has to get somewhere or that we’re going out for dessert afterwards. I want my kids to eat up! I don’t feel the need to be as “parallel” (for lack of a better term) as I might if I were with a girlfriend or in a job-interview situation.
"It is certainly SOMETIMES rude to order more courses than others at the table. The polite thing to do is not to order additional courses without discussing it and getting the go-ahead from others at the table. "
I think sometimes is the key, operative word. It can be rude to be ordering a lot more courses esp if someone else is paying (and is only having one course). However, Marian believed it to be rude to not “keep up” with a person ordering more courses. I don’t necessarily think it’s rude to pass on the soup or the salad or the appetizer if you just happen not to be in the mood for those things.
Haha, @nottelling you would hate going out to eat with my H. He is that person who will only order the entree and drink water at any restaurant he deems “too expensive”. It’s one of his many quirks and I’ve learned to roll with the punches.
We went to New Orleans earlier and I gladly went to expensive restaurants by myself for lunch. And ordered a cocktail and dessert. It was great. When I ate with him, (he was on business and on expenses) he didn’t want to charge too much to the company. He ordered a hamburger and water.
OP checking back in. This has been interesting to read.
None of our kids is done with college yet. We pay for ALL necessities and almost everything on all of our vacations. The combined total of what our kids spent during our recent week long Caribbean vacation (where they had all you can eat lobster for about $60) would be less than 20 bucks. They are not deprived by any stretch. But, good examples of what we expect them to think about have been mentioned - don’t use a $100 lift ticket and ski for an hour, for example, or go on the $100 snorkel excursion but sit on the boat looking at your phone the ENTIRE time (unless there’s a good reason, such as you’re not feeling great but know the ticket was already paid for, so you go along kind of thing).
When my mom comes to visit, or I go anyplace with her, I pay for everything except usually 1 meal. I try to make it a cheap one. She wants to feel like she’s contributing, so that’s what we do. When I visit her, I pay for all meals out, and usually hit the grocery store while I’m there.
When I go out with friends I much prefer to just split the bill, but if we have more than others we will offer to pay more. I was at dinner recently, and some had had maybe a $15 off coupon. We didn’t realize until after we’d done the rough calculation (looks like about 40 bucks each should be fine I’m d of thing) that that couple wanted it deducted from their part of the bill. That was fine, but it would have been better announced up front. I usually just throw in the coupon for the group if I have one, or avoid using it until another time, just to make things simple.
One of the most awkward instances of “not going with the program” that I’ve encountered was when a group of us who’d met as nursery school moms got together for our annual reunion dinner. We’d selected an Italian restaurant known for its “family style” meal, lots of courses and very reasonable price. Served only to groups of 6 or more.
Six of us showed for the reunion. One of the moms (with the highest household income) decided she didn’t want the family dinner, she was going to order her own meal. This meant the family extravaganza was not available to any of the others. Several of the moms were currently singles and unemployed and the split price of the family meal (moderate) was the reason for going to this location.
This woman’s lack of consideration really put a damper on the evening. Even after all the facts were pointed out, the outlayer refused to adjust her desires for mushroom risotto vs a pleasant evening with family style meal for all attendees.
OP - when I go on a company retreat, I would usually be given 1-2 activities for free and I would be responsible for additional activities. You may want to do the same with your kids - you have $X for activities and you are on your own after that.
@oldfort, I appreciate the suggestion, but what came to my mind is my youngest saying “If I don’t do any excursions, can I keep the money?” which would sort of defeat the purpose of our family time and experiences together. But I do get your point, and that’s kind of what we do with drinks, for example. If they want to drink a lot, they can help pay. But they are usually happy with just one, and would have more before or after we go out. I paid for a jet ski snorkeling tour, and then one wanted to rent a jet ski. I told him he could use his money and do it.
Thanks for coming back and commenting @1214mom - I hate when someone starts a thread and then disappears!
Off topic but mentioned above - I am no social butterfly. The whole idea of splitting a bill evenly when with a group - why? Why wouldn’t you just pay your portion? That makes no sense to me! Not hard to figure out portions of the bill. I rarely drink anything besides water - that’s just me - don’t do alcohol, don’t drink pop/soda or much of anything else - so I don’t really want to help pay for other peoples multiple beverages!!!
"It is certainly SOMETIMES rude to order more courses than others at the table. The polite thing to do is not to order additional courses without discussing it and getting the go-ahead from others at the table. It is boorish to keep others at the table while ordering dessert and then coffee without at least asking the others who have declined if they mind.
Similarly, if a small group is going out to a chic restaurant for the tasting menu, there is something a little rude about the person who just orders a single starter. It diminishes the enjoyment of others at the table. That may not be enough of a reason to refrain from doing it, but doing something that diminishes the enjoyment of others can be a little rude at times. There may be good reason that justifies the small rudeness."
Hmm. I can’t imagine people asking my permission to get an appetizer or dessert. Or to eat a small meal. That seems odd. Some of my friends are not big eaters, and they might order something very small. They might say they aren’t particularly hungry, or they are watching their weight, but I can’t imagine people ordering or not ordering things because of what I might think. I would like people to get whatever they want. I figure much of the reason to go out is to be social, not necessarily to focus on the food. In fact, I rarely even pay attention to what the other person is eating. Sometimes I eat more than them, sometimes I eat less. Generally, neither of us is tapping our feet, ready to get out of there, and the other person is just taking too much time. Sometimes I go out to breakfast with friends, some order a full meal, and some only order coffee. It’s the conversation that’s the focus, not the food.
I just wish we could go on vacation with my parents, other extended family and my kids. We have in the past but the “whose paying” issue was always an issue and inevitably I would say “we’ll cover it, just come”, I have tried defining things in advance, tried asking each family unit to contribute a nominal amount per night, planned things with minimal expense, etc. but nothing seems to make my Dad completely comfortable. It really did make it all stressful for me, so I have stopped trying. My kids do have some nice memories so it was probably best to stop before there was a bad one. Hopefully, once my kids have SOs and families of their own we can start our own tradition that is NOT stressful.
When our kids were little, we used to vacation with our best friends and their kids. We all drove separate cars to the beach, rented side by side condos, and alternated fixing meals. If we did excursions or ate at a restaurant, everyone covered their own family. We also traded babysitting so that each couple could get a night out. Never any issues with whose paying what. No one minded if someone else’s kid ate their trail mix. Or if one parent took all the kids out for ice cream. But the big expenses were covered separately.
We went to Disneyworld once with H’s sister and kids. We all paid separately, but they complained the whole time about costs. We’ve never vacationed with them again.
When we vacationed as an extended family, everyone covered the lodging costs of their individual family unit. Folks either paid for their own meals or sometimes my dad would treat everyone. It worked out pretty well for everyone and we did it for quite a few years before our kids went off to college. Those memories for our kids were priceless.