<p>Opie…>>>>>I don’t think we can say too much or too little is going to mess someone up. We all know of people at both ends of the extreme that ARE messed up.<<<<</p>
<p>THE problem is that a person doesn’t know until it’s too late (damage is done) whether he/she is the type to be “messed up” by having “too much” . It’s like taking meds during a pregnancy… you don’t know until it’s too late that your child was damaged by the meds.</p>
<p>I want to echo earlier posts stating that there’s a great deal of luck involved in finding the right spouse in the ideal time frame.</p>
<p>I’m single in my 30’s because I haven’t met the right guy. My searches have led me to serious relationships with some worthy candidates, but something eventually went wrong in each of those relationships – fortunately before we were married. Yes, there’s a lot of heartbreak involved when those relationships end. But I don’t believe that a policy of chastity would have brought the “right man” into my life. It might have prompted me to marry my college boyfriend, but it wouldn’t have made him a good match for the adult me. If I haven’t met the right match, or I met him before he was ready to commit or after he’s committed to someone else, then the question of whether I sleep with him or not seems academic. He just isn’t there yet.</p>
<p>Perhaps cultures that arrange marriages have the right idea. Marriages in those societies seem no better or worse than ours on the whole, and there’s no doubt that young people are spared a lot of uncertainty and heartache.</p>
<p>"THE problem is that a person doesn’t know until it’s too late (damage is done) whether he/she is the type to be “messed up” by having “too much” </p>
<p>Believe it or not that works both ways, it’s not always too much. Too little experience can also be bad for a marriage…</p>
<p>experience is how we learn, bad experiences help teach a person how to appreicate the good when it comes along. </p>
<p>Again, I have no problems either way with a person’s choice to not do or do. Each choice has it’s own problems and how they are dealt with determines the future. A person isn’t “bad” if they decide to have sex and a person isn’t “good” if they abstain. They each made a choice, what the outcome will be…nobody really knows. </p>
<p>As Hanna so correctly posted it’s timing more than anything.</p>
<p>“Perhaps cultures that arrange marriages have the right idea. Marriages in those societies seem no better or worse than ours on the wholle, and there’s no doubt that young people are spared a lot of uncertainty and heartache” </p>
<p>Hanna: How can this be true? Perhaps it’s because in an arranged marriage you are called upon to DECIDE to love, and to commit. When love is a decision, you see the “somethings that come up” as bumps in the road rather than dead ends. People who decide to love may have bad days and even bad years, but they have faith that if they are committed to work it out and learn to be open to growth, that good days and good years will follow.</p>
<p>Within a marriage our sex drives are not always in perfect syncronicity. If you have chosen to love your spouse, you know that these peaks and valleys are part of the package and that through talking, and maybe even getting some counseling, you will eventually work it out. True love is not fickle.</p>
<p>re: post #178</p>
<p>Lesson for youngsters - for heavens sake don’t have sex in the sun. Even if the relationship works out, there’s the skin cancer to think about</p>
<p>workinprogress, you are very wise indeed.</p>
<p>The original poster posted the message once, and never followed up, but he sure did touch a nerve…there have been so many eloquent posts here! </p>
<p>I just think there is a certain age after which we parents need to recognize that our children have to live their own lives and we should stop trying to influence their behaviors. Maybe it is too hard to do it when they have just left to go to college, but at some point the umbilical cord has to be cut. If this seems difficult or impossible, just think how much most of us hate/hated it when our elderly parents try/tried to influence our behavior.</p>
<p>vicarious - I am 49 and my parents still try to influence my life (my sibs do this to each other, too). They don’t do it in a mean controlling way - they do it in a wise and caring way. (I know that some parents do try to control - I’m not talking about anything like that). My parents don’t give their advice to me because they don’t accept that I’m an adult - they certainly know and respect that. It’s just part of life (and love) that we will try to steer those we care about (even those that are our peers) away from potentially harmful situations. That’s part of being part of a family and part of a society.</p>
<p>So, now, what does everyone do when those kids come home from college with an active sexual partner (monogamous, even someone you like a lot). Do you assign separate bedrooms? Anyone using bundling boards (Amish custom to put a slab of wood between the couple)? </p>
<p>We required our guests to sleep separately because there was always a “youngest” in the house. Now that the youngest is a freshman in college, I’m not feeling like fighting this battle any more.</p>
<p>p3t…interesting question. I haven’t had to cross this bridge with my own kids yet. I’m curious to where cc’ers stand on this angle…</p>
<p>"what does everyone do when those kids come home from college with an active sexual partner… Do you assign separate bedrooms? "</p>
<p>I had to address that issue many years ago becuase I live in a very liberal country where teenagers routinely move into one another’s house and play marriage while they go to high school. </p>
<p>My stance was this: “Don’t even bother asking me. The answer is No. Not in my house. Not until you are out of college at least. Teenagers have been getting hot and bothered in the back of cars for a few decades–and in the hay for longer than that. You’ll survive it. I did.”</p>
<p>Separate rooms would be a requirement, at least until engagement. And I think D understands this. It’s one of those “while under our roof, certain proprieties will be observed” kind of thing. And this from a cultural not-a-conservative.</p>
<p>Neither my parents nor DH’s parents ever asked or suggested where we would sleep when we visited, engaged or not. I don’t think DH and I ever even discussed the issue – probably because we wanted to avoid conflict with the ‘rents (each for our own reasons). I slept with my sisters at my folks’ house and DH slept with his brother at his. I was not going to challenge my folks on that one.</p>
<p>In HS definitelly a no-no. In college, okay with me if it’s a long term relationship with a sense of commitment (not just dating for a long while waiting to graduate until something better comes along.)</p>
<p>Frankly, all through the last half of HS D’s boyfriend slept in family room (don’t know what they did behind closed doors; I don’t think “all the way” as we used to quaintly say) because it was a long distance relationship. </p>
<p>He monopolized TV with endless sports shows, feeling like it was “his room” which I did not enjoy. It would have been better to shove him into D’s room (haha, of course I didn’t) just to get him out of the way. We have a guest room, but since it was right next door to D’s room (H felt awkward) and has a pull out couch (also our library) D would not let her 6’2" beau sleep on anything she deemed so uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Yeah, I know I could have dealt with endless TV in a more assertive way; this was a complicated situation for reasons too complicated for this particular thread.</p>
<p>Separate bedrooms until marriage was the rule in my parents and my DH’s parents house. We had no problem with it. We didn’t ever stay for more than a couple nights and knew what the answer would be if we asked. We opted to keep the peace. If our kids ask before they come to visit the answer will be no. If they don’t ask before, I plan to greet them at the door… “Oh hi! We’re so glad that you’re here! Boyfriend, you’ll be up in the guest room. I’ll show you where it is. Daughter, you’ll be in w/your sister.”
When oldest D had her first boyfriend, we told her that boys were not allowed in the house if a parent was not home and that boys were never allowed upstairs in the house. We also told her that we thought that PDA was tacky and that we didn’t want to see it. It seemed to work for them and for us.</p>
<p>mythmom,
My sister’s D and her boyfriend stayed at my parents house once. My mom called my sister and said “We’ve put them upstairs and downstairs, but if they want to get together, there’s not a lot we can do about it.” She was wise.</p>
<p>I’ve always thought the “no opposite sex in the house without parents home” rule interesting. What…when your D has her boyfriend over, you sit with them the whole time? I am not coming down on you SM, just trying to understand.</p>
<p>My son has a long term girlfriend (a year, which is pretty long term by 17 year old standards, and mine), and her parents and my H and I are quite comfortable with their being alone in the house, either of ours. I think the whole idea of preventing kids from being alone ALWAYS backfires…determined kids will find a way to do what they want to do. And if they are determined to have sex, they will just find a place to have it.</p>
<p>Perhaps we are too trusting, but I also feel that if two 17 year olds, in a long term relationship, have decided to have sex, I am not going to prevent it by sticking around them in the house.</p>
<p>OTOH, there will be no shared bedrooms between my children and significant others, at least until they are through college. After that, I will rethink the issue. But I still have a middle schooler at home, and no way is she being exposed to tacit approval!</p>
<p>Separate bedrooms until marriage. Our kids know our values. They would never even ask. S’s gf stayed in our D’s room when she visited.</p>
<p>I was traveling with my fiance (H) two weeks before we got married. We’d stayed together in a hotel–but when we got to my aunt’s house she put me upstairs and him on the living room couch. She started to tell me, “My house, my rules. . .” I stopped her and told her I agreed completely. We also stayed with my brother/s-i-l–they put us in the same bed. I was actually embarrassed and would have preferred separate rooms. </p>
<p>Whether a couple sleeps together (or more) at their own place isn’t the issue for me. Being a polite guest means respecting your host’s values. Couples who can’t stand be apart can pay for a motel room.</p>
<p>D’s BF sleeps in brother’s room, with him. For me its all about the little brother too. </p>
<p>However if little brother wasn’t around, I’d probably still need to separate them in order to protect her father’s delicate sensibilities… He has a terrible time dealing with her sexuality in general (which I don’t).</p>
<p>allmusic,
Both of our D’s had serious boyfriends their senior years in h/s. Both are still dating the guys. We told them that we did not feel that they were ready for that kind of a relationship and felt it wise to wait. Although we knew we could not prevent them from having sex if they were determined, we were not going to PROVIDE them with opportunity either. If you are going to leave them alone in the house, are you going to provide candles, music and lingerie as well? By the end of their senior years, I suggested that both girls go on the pill. I even pay for it, but it still doesn’t mean I’m going to invite them to have sex in my home. I’d rather that they were not having sex at all and they know it.</p>