<p>I always at least thought I <em>might</em> want a real relationship…does that count?</p>
<p>What exactly constitutes a “relationship” these days? I take it as monogamy? No dating anyone else? There’s no finite ending in site? Just “we’re together until we don’t like being together anymore?”. Don’t people have different ideas of what a relationship means? I remember watching my nieces and nephews bring home all of these different people in their “relationships” for holidays, and every holiday was a different person. My 87 yr old mother wanted to know if they were sleeping with each one of these different people and I told her that I assumed so, yes. What’s so special about that? If you’re in a different “relationship” every year for 15 years that seems like alot of “special relationships” to me. I think I’m pretty square but I still haven’t figured out what to say to my 14 and 11 yr olds about all of this. I think I’ll just quote SBMom.</p>
<p>“She says the girls know better, but get caught up in the moment.”</p>
<p>Gosh, something tells me the boys know better as well, but also get caught up in the moment.</p>
<p>I was going to say something else but I think I’m really missing the point of this thread…</p>
<p>mythmom’s d says it best, though. “'Tis better to have loved and lost…”</p>
<p>I guess a sincere interest in the other person, a kind of respect and a liking for that person as a person would be the beginning of a real relationship in my mind.</p>
<p>bethievt: I agree with you. This is an excellent place to start. </p>
<p>Sarahsmom: I didn’t mean to imply that posters had suggested waiting for marriage. I guess I got into a digression remembering the bad old days. I also recoil when my students still say it’s okay for a guy to have sex because he’s a player, whereas the girl is a slut. Yuck.</p>
<p>My concern about sex?</p>
<p>STDs–women have a greater chance of experiencing infertility than men as a result of STDs because symptomatology is different in women than in men–not always apparent and treatment may be delayed. HERPES is forever–so your child gets genital herpes (you know how much a cold sore hurts on your lip…its the same virus…only its above the navel) and has to tell all future partners about it…</p>
<p>AIDS–no more need be said</p>
<p>pregnancy and painful decisions that follow–abortion, adoption, raising a child when you are not ready, single parenthood, marrying someone you shouldn’t even be with</p>
<p>emotional fallout</p>
<p>sexual involvement may complicate matters and make it difficult to end a relationship that needs ending</p>
<p>This is just common sense and has nothing to do with being a prude, too conservative, religious, etc…</p>
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<p>Love and respect are missing from the above scenarios.</p>
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<p>While I understand the point, this doesn’t come close to preventing heartbreak.</p>
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<p>Perhaps they internalize the way they are treated by certain guys.</p>
<p>One poster said that her teenage daughter intends to “wait for marriage.”
In light of #78 and #86 above, I’d say that is an excellent idea.</p>
<p>There is no evidence that those who have only one sexual partner are less sexually fulfilled than those who have multiple partners. Though few young people today are waiting for marriage, I applaud those who do. This is a healthy goal that should not be mocked or discouraged.</p>
<p>What I saw in college (80s): Among a group of 9 room/suitemates over 4 years: 3 experienced date rape–one violent/traumatic-- the girl dropped out of college (alcohol was involved in all of these), 2 had hometown boyfriends that they had sex with in the dorm room in the presence of roommates (who were not pleased). One got pregnant by her steady college boyfriend and got married/dropped out. Another thought she was pregnant and made an appointment for an abortion–later found out she wasn’t pregnant. One girl, who had sex for the first time sophomore year, was constantly in fear of pregnancy in spite of consistently using 2 forms of contraception–drove everyone nuts with her worrying/talking about it. One girl had multiple partners (a “groupie” of sorts) and often sexiled her roommate. One gave her new boyfriend an STD which sent him to the health clinic. One had an affair with a married man. 2 were virgins when they graduated. Fond memories of all this? Not really.</p>
<p>“There is no evidence that those who have only one sexual partner are less sexually fulfilled than those who have multiple partners. Though few young people today are waiting for marriage, I applaud those who do. This is a healthy goal that should not be mocked or discouraged.”</p>
<p>As far as I’m concerned, waiting for marriage is a personal choice.</p>
<p>One negative, however, about waiting for marriage is that attitude can cause some people to rush into marriages that aren’t wise. I’ve known a couple of people whose insistance on being virgin brides caused them to marry too quickly to guys who a longer wait before getting married would have demonstrated were poor choices.</p>
<p>I think that whether a person waits or doesn’t wait for marriage could be good or bad depending on the person and their partners.</p>
<p>As for me, I’m glad that I didn’t wait for marriage. If I had, I might have married my college boyfriend, and he would have been a horrible choice.</p>
<p>Sexual intimacy is one (yes, only one) path to deep intimacy. I am glad that I did not just have one experience in this area.</p>
<p>DD does not plan to marry until she finishes law school, DS med school. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect them to wait until they are near thirty for their first intimate sexual experience. If that is their choice, I would not discourage it (and probably wouldn’t know since I wouldn’t discuss things so intimate with them), but I would be surprised.</p>
<p>This thread has focused on the dangers of sexuality but not its joys, and I don’t mean the obvious physical ones. Love and sexuality are two of the deepest fulfillments and opportunities in life to know someone else. We all have different definitions of the circumstances in which this is appropriate. However, meaningful and truly significant experiences don’t always involve longevity. I can think of conversations and experiences I had (not sexual) with strangers that lasted an hour that have afffected the course of my life.</p>
<p>To those whose concerns are pregnancy and STD’s: I trust my children implicitly to avoid these. They have been educated to these dangers by me, by heath-sex ed classes, and by the popular culture. I trust them, just as I trust them to drive safely after knowing the dangers of reckless driving. Does this mean accidents don’t happen? No, of course not, but I would not prohibit them from driving until they are twenty-five and had better judgement; nor would I limit the circumstances under which they could drive. I have to trust them to make these choices. I do the same with sexuality without any preconceptions. I assume they can choose for themselves. Sex may have dangerous consequences, but so can crossing the street.</p>
<p>Perhaps I am being presumptuous here, but I think this is the idea behind the OP’s question: why do parents focus on the dangers of sexuality in a way they don’t about other things? I have the same question.</p>
<p>"why do parents focus on the dangers of sexuality in a way they don’t about other things? "</p>
<p>Because if something like an unplanned pregnancy results or an incurable STD like AIDs results, the parents --not just their offspring – will end up having worries and responsibilities related to this for the rest of their lives.</p>
<p>Also, sex is an activity that is optional and that one can take actions to greatly reduce the risks of having negative consequences result. Unfortunately, as parents know, many young people think they are invulnerable when it comes to having problems result from risky behavior.</p>
<p>Mythmom, I am 56 too (just to let you know there are others in your age range). While doing a college tour, my tour guide told me in a very excited manner that the college had just approved open housing. I remember wondering to myself why my future school was still segregating in 1969. LOL, she meant one could have overnight guests of the opposite sex.</p>
<p>I’m glad I waited for marriage. No baggage, no possibility for baggage. Due to my growing up fatherless, it was intensely important to me that I reserve such high levels of intimacy as sex for one human only. While as a young man I had many opportunities to compromise my belief, I never did. The benefits were that my wife-to-be trusted me, naturally, because of my convictions in this area. It allowed her to become transparent, and emotionally exposed to me because she knew I was very serious about the meaning of devotion and its relation to sexual expression. Today, my beliefs are as important to me as always. And my wife’s transparency continues to grow because she knows I apply to our marriage the same devotion to faithfulness that I have always applied to my life. I’ll be here with and for her, and with no other, until the day I die.</p>
<p>In an environment of such intense trust and ever-growing transparency sex can never be less than fulfilling. This is because two people in this environment are not just a guy and gal who are trying to get something from each other. Instead, they are deeply connected friends who explore one another freely, without any fear or discomfort at all, and with the single intent to give something wonderful to the other. I know what this joy is, and I think it is due, at least in part, to the unique place my wife enjoys in my psyche when it comes to physical intimacy.</p>
<p>That is my view of it. It works very well for me and mine. So I teach this view to our kids. I do not condemn others for having different views. But I make not even one apology for having and teaching my view because I know for a fact that my view works very well as a basis for my family.</p>
<p>Well said, Dosselmeier!!! My view is the same as yours.</p>
<p>Wait a minute. Grantedin, are you Frau Drosselmeier?</p>
<p>Naturally, this IS a topic that somehow we all have feelings and opinions based on all kinds of history, such as our own experiences “good and bad”, family upbringing, religious beliefs, Father/Daughter irrational knee-jerk reactions (Me!), past life experiences, last relationship breakup emotions, last relationship wonderful fulfillment emotions, first relationship trauma, first relationship joy, etc. etc.</p>
<p>There’s one big factor that I think has to take precedence. 18 years old = adult = none of my business (as much as I might disagree with myself) and we ultimately have to trust that whatever input and influence that we’ve had for the first 18 years had some affect (in a positive way, as opposed to most of our own parental experiences which were more on the negative side.)</p>
<p>Then there’s the reactionary reactional response. If we push too hard to control that which can’t be controlled, we could be pushing in the opposite direction and wring our collective hands at “how could they have turned out this way? I did everything to make them the other way!” Well, that approach just doesn’t work. What’s most amazing is that if you give just the right amount of support and “allow” them to make their own decisions while supporting and loving them no matter what, they usually come through in a mature and responsible way. It really IS amazing how well that approach works! My daughter was explaining “the birds and the bees” (birds and bees???) as a 4 1/2 yr old and actually corrected an adult who said that only married people had children (since we were both in our late 30s after previous marriages and didn’t get married until the second pregnancy, when it seemed that we were serious about staying together, (yes, she was the first!) And my goodness, but she turned out to be much less wild then either of her parents.</p>
<p>Strange how it worked out, but there was no rebellious reaction to how she was brought up, since it was obvious growing up in our family that sex was NOT a taboo subject or anything to be feared, but rather one of the greatest gifts and joys that we can experience! I remember an old Chicago Hope episode where one of the characters came back with a message form God: “Have more sex! Enjoy yourselves!”</p>
<p>Well, this would certainly explain the repressed adolescent sexuality that’s in the subtext of “The Nutcracker.”</p>
<p>TheDad! You’re terrible.</p>
<p>Go stand in the corner.</p>
<p>lol</p>
<p>AnudduhMom, no I am not Frau Dosselmeier.</p>