Oh, rosered55, thank you! My son has been out of graduate school for two years but I still hang out here. It is such an interesting place and has so many kind people. And a few not so nice to keep things interesting. Even though my graduate degree was in student personnel services in higher education (don’t you love that title?), I have learned so much more here than I did in my classes.
Today’s frustration is drinking—water. H refuses to listen when I tell him that much of his current problems are due to dehydration. I know, I empty the urine bottles. He can be soooooo stubborn. But overall, a good day. He is occupied with college football and sorting and discarding junk mail, a task I hate. I throw everything but the bills into a box and let him go.
For getting folks to drink water, our friends would get water bottles and label them morning, noon, evening and expect the patient to drink over that time period. You can use whatever size the MD thinks is good—8-32oz or larger.
I just ran across this thread. So sorry for all you have been through, @lotsofquests. Someone posted recently, maybe on facebook (I’ll look) some easy to suck on jello things for hydration,especially when people don’t want to or can’t easily drink. I’ll see if i can find it.
Dehydration has been an area of contention since H’s heart surgery 18 months ago. His doctors and nurses all agree that it could be contributing to his extreme fatigue and swollen legs but it seems like they expect me to deal with it. This week, the new iv nurse tried three different veins that all collapsed (sorry, don’t know the medical terms) before she called for a backup nurse. While the second nurse drove the 15 miles to get here, nurse 1 and I convinced him to drink some water. Nurse 2 got the right vein on the first try. He wouldn’t listen to any of us that his dehydration contributed to the difficulty—but he did agree that he would drink water before his next infusion. My mistake was thinking that the milk and lemonade that he had had was enough fluids. Nurse 2 said plain water works best. Today I served him about a cup of watermelon which he really liked.
I am afraid that his aging prostate is part of the problem. He has difficulty urinating, even after a procedure in January, and not being able to walk far unassisted contributes to the problem. He uses a urine bottle much of the time so I have pretty obvious evidence that he doesn’t drink enough. I understand that he wants to avoid something that is difficult for him to do.
Jym626, that is an interesting article with some helpful information. The biggest problem for me is getting him to admit that he is not drinking enough. I wish our son could come home for awhile. Living in LA and trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, S drinks constantly, water and Le Croix ( I know it is bad for your teeth). S got me used to having a glass of water every time I walked into the room and I really noticed how much better I felt.
Hugs
H nearly died during an operation because his blood pressure dropped due to his dehydration.
It was a live or die operation and they had to wait overnight to go back in. (Gall bladder as large as the biggest zucchini and black)
He still does not drink enough but will try and when working fills a water bottle twice.
D and I drink LeCroix plenty (though I like our tap water the best) and we use paper straws from Amazon.
I was sorry that you worry about complaining to us. Gads, most of complain about much much less
important things than the hardships you are facing. Missing your "best friend " was touching and sad to read. Happy to read about your and your H’s daily grind anytime.
My guess is that if you are reading this you know that I come here when I am becoming overwhelmed with my negative thoughts. I am trying so hard not to whine to everyone but I am not always succeeding. My youngest sister and my son are the ones that hear the most but I can’t be totally open with either of them. Obviously, I can’t tell my S about the worst of my relationship problems with his father and I don’t want to tell my sister. So here I am again to my anonymous readers.
I love Christmas! Mostly, I love the anticipation of something wonderful happening. I guess that is not realistic and at nearly 70 I should be aware of what real life is like. I was one of 7 kids in a family of not much money so Christmas presents were really appreciated. My mother probably had a near stroke every December trying to pull everything together and with a few notable exceptions, she succeeded. Even more important that the gifts, I loved the family time. During the rest of the year, everyone is always so busy that we rarely were together to play board games or other crazy things. But at Christmastime, we all were together. the downside of anticipating the holiday so much, is that there is a letdown when it is over. And that is where I am today. I feel exhausted (I have a sugar hangover) but was unable to take a nap. Instead, I rode 7 miles on my stationary bike and then logged into CC.
My H loves the holidays. When we first dated, he bought gifts for at least a dozen friends (he had no relatives closer than 3rd cousin). He used to buy me little presents before we were married, just because. He loves to shop. Over the past 5-6 years, he has stopped buying gifts for me except for grocery store flowers. O.K., I really don’t need anything. I have too much stuff. But I get really angry that he continues to buy things for his best friend’s wife. Last Christmas, I had nothing under the tree from him; he did get me a ring that he put into my stocking. I know that it sounds really ungrateful but the truth is, I really don’t want more jewelry. I wear my wedding ring and one other ring. I have more than enough. I tried to get that message across to his caretaker who took him shopping. I think a heartfelt card expressing appreciation for my help and support over the past 18 months of ill health would have been nicer. I had my hopes up that this year would be different since caretaker would help him pick a gift. On Christmas eve, he told me that he needed to go to Tiffany’s to get a charm for friend’s wife’s birthday (he already had a necklace for her Christmas gift because I ordered something online). My response was not very nice. And it was not very nice when he announced as we started to open gifts that he wasn’t able to shop for me this year. Uh, you were able to buy for all of your friends when caretaker took you shopping over the past month. And S was home for 10 days before Christmas. Well, he did get me another ring. It is very pretty so I will wear it for the next few weeks and then put it away in the jewelry case with the others and go back to the plain bands that are more comfortable for daily wear. After 31 years of marriage and numerous discussions, he really doesn’t know me.
Christmas was very difficult this year. I miss my sister so much. Because I have been homebound with my husband, I haven’t seen my family as much as usual. In some ways, being so busy with him, I haven’t really internalized her death. I can’t tell you how many times that I have reached for the phone before I remember. We all get together at her daughter’s house for Christmas dinner and grab bag. My brother-in-law went into Sister’s gift closet to find a contribution for the grab bag and contributed way more than the specified limit. Outwardly, he seems to be doing very well. He can talk and joke about her crazy idiosyncracies. I am sad that at least for the near future, I have also lost my time with my brother-in-law. S, BIL, and I did frequent day trips. Today, partly because of my exhaustion and probably also due to depression, I didn’t drive the one hour to spend the day with my sisters and nieces. S took H shopping so I had the house to myself, something that rarely happens these days.
H is not progressing in a positive way. He had to quit outpatient therapy because his oxygen levels were so bad. Wee managed to get portable oxygen in October but he has not started back.
One bit of potentially good news, he had an x-ray of his 2000 hip replacement because of pain and instability and the x-ray showed no deterioration. now, they have to figure what is causing the pain.
Thanks, CC, for being a place where I can come to let it all out. I am trying hard not to say too much to our S. It is so great to have him home and he is staying another whole week.
I hope it is good therapy for you to vent here. Is it possible to have some form of regular therapy with a real live person (therapist/counselor) who could listen and help in person??? You are right that you need an outlet outside of family members!
I am positive he does not have a crush on friend’s wife, although I knew it would sound that way. If I had to give an explanation, it might be due to the competition between H and her husband. H likes to be the understanding thoughtful guy. When he still was teaching, he would buy candy for all the office women at Valentine’s Day, not in a flirtatious way, but as everyone’s friend. He does thoughtful things. He probably should have remained the friend-to-everyone-batchelor instead of getting married at the age of 46.
Abasket, i wish that I could go back to my old psychologist. H and I started going to her for marriage counseling when S was 6 weeks old. H quit after 18 months; I continued alone until S started college when I traded the counselor for a personal trainer. Obviously she didn’t solve my marital problems but she did help me learn to be able to cope under normal situations. And obviously, the past 18 months have not been normal so I am not coping well. I stopped in the building where she had her office a few months ago, but her name is no longer on the directory. I didn’t bother to call because I assumed that she has retired. She is older than I and I am approaching 70. I am not ready to start over with another psychologist but if things continue, I will look into it. Holidays are always bad but I’ve got a while to go before my July birthday.
Your therapist may have retired, but perhaps has a smaller practice. If retired, she knows you, and could make a good referral. If you give her written permission, she can bring the new therapist up to,speed.
@lotsofquests I found a therapist when I was 64 and totally overwhelmed with taking care of my father and stepmother. I am so grateful I found her. I had been in therapy before, more than once, some good, some not so good. This woman transformed my life. I am 70 now and she said we’ll be done before my 71st birthday. I avoided starting over with someone new until I was desperate, but I am so grateful that I did. My life has been transformed.
@busyparent, I managed the decline and death of my dad (before I started therapy, every time I walked into my dad’s house, which was at least 2x/week, I felt like I was in danger of being electrocuted; on his last day of life 2 years later, I could sit with him and hold his hand), lost 60 pounds, went from sedentary to regular exercise, went from unemployed, then retired to now, almost done with my master’s degree in social work. I have a greatly augmented circle of friends and an amazing relationship with my daughter (something that may have come about anyway but is the sweetest thing!). That’s the extremely short version of course.