<p>“How we really live in the Matrix, so therefore, your subsequent rejection letter won’t exist”</p>
<p>kinda lame… o well</p>
<p>We need some good, clean ones…</p>
<ol>
<li><p>“Higher Learning in America: Veblen Is Still Right” [The perfect paper to send to the University of Chicago!]</p></li>
<li><p>“The Philosophy of the Matrix”</p></li>
<li><p>“Matricarchy: How Linear Programming Could Be Used to Reorganize Politics Within the Beltway”</p></li>
<li><p>“A Survey of Anarchy Ideology”</p></li>
<li><p>“Why Ayn Rand is Right About Everything” [I truly wonder how many essays have been inspired by Atlas Shrugged, and how admissions officers responded to them.]</p></li>
<li><p>“Why the Media Should Publicly Apologize to President Summers” [Guess which university that goes to!]</p></li>
<li><p>“Animagi Transfiguration Theory”</p></li>
<li><p>“The Obsolence of the Doctorate Degree”</p></li>
<li><p>“The Academia Conspiracy to Supress Anti-Intellectualism and Free Thought: Or, the Source of my Brain Implants (They Do Exist! I’m Not Crazy!)”</p></li>
<li><p>“What Response Would You Prefer to See the Applicant Make?: A Choose Your Own Adventure in Essay Format”</p></li>
</ol>
<p>“How I developed MJOLNIR Armor and Plasma Weaponry a year ago so humanity can fight off the covenant in 500 years”</p>
<p>“My father is an air force general who might accidentally mistarget a missile and aim it in your direction should you reject me”</p>
<p>“You should accept me because I’m an awesome athlete, even if I plan to ditch college after a year and go pro”</p>
<p>“Ay Lik Math a lott beekuz ay suk en Eanglis”</p>
<p>
ROFL! That’s a great one.</p>
<p>
<em>coughcoughUNCcoughcough</em></p>
<p>“College Acceptances for Dummies: a Step-by-Step Guide on How to Accept (insert applicant’s name here)”</p>
<p>Here are a few making fun of extremely wealthy applicants:</p>
<p>“A Disadvantaged Background: Overcoming the Deaths of my Butler and Personal Chefs”</p>
<p>“A Disadvantaged Background: Dealing with my old 2004 model of my Mercedes CLS500 after I totaled my 2005 model”</p>
<p>“Triumph over an economic disaster: how my family couldn’t afford the 50 million dollar house and had to settle for the 30 million dollar garbage can”</p>
<p>“Elitism and why spoiled rich kids deserve everything: because our fathers can wave 10 million in front of you”</p>
<p>“Einstein’s Theory of Relativity: a story of my West Virginia relatives”</p>
<p>“how to increase college endowment: I will write a blank check if u accept me(can pay in cash uptill 50 million but willing to sell property and stock to fund if more is needed)”
“how to raise ur USNEWS ranking: my dad, a philanthrophist, will increase ur endowment 400% in a year. GUARANTEED!! Refund not available until 2010(after graduation)”</p>
<p>“Hello admissions officers. This is the autobiography of Mike Hunt”
~LOL I know that was a post on the first page, but that’s funny. There’s also the classic “Haywood Jablomee”</p>
<p>“How my full name Zakawuhualki Goshnagatsiko Mavothalissixxz will add diversity to your campus”</p>
<p>“Adding ethnic diversity to your campus” --written by Jamal Felipe Wang</p>
<p>“10 years in the slammer, but cleaner than Jeffery Dahmer.”</p>
<p>“My Life in the Muggle Community: I am Harry Potter”</p>
<p>“What I Learned From Directing and Producing ‘Girls Gone Wild, Spring Break Edition’”</p>
<p>“Game show hosts: Mold on the crumpet”</p>
<p>“Kinetic study of aqueous sodium cyanide and people”</p>
<p>“How to sink a battleship”</p>
<p>“Why I want to go to (Insert name of diploma mill here)”</p>
<p>Jusgimmethegun: I actually know a kid named Harry Potter. Actually, his name is Harrison, but it’s pretty close.</p>
<p>lRlAlClIlSlMl, my anti-drug</p>
<p>how my molotov cocktail and time bomb will contribute to the school</p>
<p>my story as a terrorist</p>
<p>Al Queda is my first choice, ____(insert college) is my safety</p>
<p>the full name and home telephone number of your favorite admissions officer</p>
<p>“Nitric acid and glycerin: how I survived the Titanic’s sinking”
“Theodore Kaczynski: The story of a martyr” (send to Harvard)</p>
<p>For Tulane: “I Went Overboard With My Rain-Dance And Caused Katrina”</p>