<p>Absolutely. I’d never make a stink about it if one of my kids eloped, even though I’d be disappointed. What’s the point? </p>
<p>I do disagree with the thought that having a ceremony after living together is pointless.
Why? Living together is just living together with sexual intimacy. Marriage is something else, entirely. The big “C” word. 'Till death do us part, and all of that.</p>
<p>Yes, I still believe in all that romantic stuff. Marriage is truly special.
When you marry, you are a family, you are life partners, and your spouse comes first. When you’re just living together, well, it just depends on how you feel at the time. Big difference.</p>
<p>I would hope that our kids would at least allow us to attend a small intimate ceremony when they get married. It is really up to them but so far, they have allowed us to share major milestones with them. We would throw them a party to celebrate regardless.</p>
<p>I can certainly understand why people elope, especially when there are undue expenses and stress.</p>
But at a minimum the lines are quite blurred. Picture the people who have lived together for 7 years, have 2 kids, own a home together, have pooled banking accounts, etc. yet haven’t done the paperwork vs. some people who have been married 4 times and the fact that half the marriages fail in this country. </p>
<p>I think as the length of the time of living together increases and the ‘blending’ becomes more complete the point of having a big ceremony because they took the legal step becomes minimized. </p>
<p>We probably all know couples like the extreme examples I mentioned and maybe even some of the posters here fall into that category. It just seems anti-climactic and after the fact to me to do the big ceremony in some of these cases. OTOH - if that’s what they want to do it’s fine with me but to the OP’s question, I’d be more bothered if my kid who hasn’t lived together with the other half eloped than if my kid was as I described above (living together 7 years, etc.) and then just went to the county and signed the paperwork to make it legal. In the latter case it probably wouldn’t bother me at all - I’d probably just be relieved to find out they finally did the paperwork.</p>
<p>While I am inclined to support my kids’ decisions, whatever they may be, I would be very disappointed if they eloped. Something as significant as the milestone of getting married should not be a secret from one’s parents and should be shared. I would want to be there and I can’t imagine them not wanting me to be there. </p>
<p>It seems kinda odd on this thread that people seem to be making it “big wedding” vs. elopement. These are not the only two options. A wedding can come in any size or even be a simple ceremony with family present. But elopement means to go off and get married without telling anyone and without sharing the ceremony with anyone. I don’t care how elaborate or not my kids’ weddings will be but I surely want to know when they get married and I want to share the ceremony and milestone with them and would hope that they feel the same.</p>
<p>Oldest dd has told me she is running off and eloping. I find this is funny because she has not even dated yet. </p>
<p>Not going to happen though. She will have a big wedding if nothing other than to try my patience and spend my money. Of course there is the pretty dress to be worn too. </p>
<p>Honestly I am going to try to stay out of the wedding planning. Now if they get married without me at all I would be a hurt but any wedding is a good one in my book.</p>
<p>When we got married, we did most of the wedding planning. We let folks have input and considered it but ultimately made all the decisions. Both sets of parents let their wishes be known and then backed off. My office was appalled that I didn’t have ONE color or ONE theme, but since it was our wedding, they just went with it. (We had blue, peach, red, and a host of colors so we all figured rainbow colors it is!) Then and now, 26 year later, we have no regrets.</p>
<p>We will support our kids in their choices but really hope they will share the milestone of a marriage with their nearest and dearest, including the extended family who is very fond of them. I think it helps the married couple to have that social support and don’t think things need to be overly, dramatic, stressful or costly. Most of our celebrations since the wedding have been modest, more intimate events that all have enjoyed.</p>
<p>I don’t like secrets. As long as I’m informed of any plans to run off and get married, it won’t bother me. Part of being a parent is knowing when to back off and let them live their own lives. IMO–the milestone should be theirs to celebrate and enjoy the way choose.</p>
<p>I eloped for my first marriage. My mother wasn’t speaking to me because I was living with my boyfriend and she didn’t approve of him anyway. I was not allowed in my parents’ home at that time. I didn’t regret eloping because I knew my mother would have been impossible if I had tried to have even a family wedding. Plus, I was cut off financially so we were truly poor college students and had no money for any sort of celebration. My future mother-in-law gave me $25 to buy a dress for the courthouse ceremony (we did tell the inlaws about it ahead of time), and we ate after the ceremony with our witnesses at International House of Pancakes!</p>
<p>Second marriage, four kids between us, small wedding in a church for friends and family. About 50 people. Very nerve-wracking for me, and if I had it to do over, it would have been just family. Too stressful with the four kids. </p>
<p>My stepson eloped with his girlfriend of only five months when they were 19. He is in the navy, and he got quite a bit more pay if he was married. They tried to keep it a secret and said they were just engaged, because they also wanted a big wedding with the expensive dress and six bridesmaids. The truth came out, though, and her parents weren’t willing to have the second ceremony or a big reception after the fact. They are still married after eight years.</p>
<p>My daughter is getting married this year. She absolutely does not want a big wedding but her fiance has a fairly large family (our family is very small). I get the impression she is dreading the whole thing. She has always wanted a small beach wedding and had been somewhat talked out of that by his family. I think she should have the wedding she wants and told he that, so she went back to thinking of a very small Florida beach wedding. Now with her Dad being so ill it is even harder to make plans. She is thinking of Galveston as that is close to Houston where he is getting treatment. Galveston beaches are not as pretty though. </p>
<p>If she eloped I think I would understand - as long as it was just her and her fiancee. But I would be very hurt if anyone else was there and we were not. FWIW, our wedding we had 10 people including ourselves and thoroughly enjoyed it. I would have hated a big wedding as much as she would.</p>
<p>Yes, that’s what it means. Elopement means that two people get married, and nobody (unless they ask a couple of friends to act as witnesses) knows about it until after the fact.</p>
<p>If either of my kids were to get married this way, this would be fine with me, regardless of whether or not I had met the person or knew my kid was in a relationship. It’s their lives. In reality, I think it’s most likely that I would know about the relationship, but I would not necessarily have met the other person. But even if I hadn’t met that person, it’s OK with me. </p>
<p>And personally, I hope that my kids will live with their partners before getting married. To me, the idea of making a legal commitment to someone without previously having shared a kitchen and a bathroom with them is absurd. </p>
<p>Given the divorce rate, I don’t think young people today are really making a commitment “until death us do part.” But in many cases, they are making the very serious commitment to raise one or more children together. In fact, it’s often the desire to have a family that prompts today’s young couples to marry. This is a huge commitment for two people to make together, and they should go into it with as much knowledge of each other as possible, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Bookiemom,S1 is a Navy officer. In his first year in the Navy, he was in a training class w/ around twenty enlisted men. Many of them had come straight from boot camp. Five of them got married within weeks of arriving at the training location. The marriage bonus is a big enticement. S became good friends w/ one of them. That young man’s marriage only lasted six months!<br>
Great that your stepson and wife have made a go of it. Being a military fam. isn’t easy. </p>
<p>S1 (25 next month) is not married and says he won’t be for awhile because his Navy career is pretty demanding at this stage.
I can def. see this one going the elopement route or the tiny wedding w/ only immediate family route. He’s a no nonsense guy and to him spending a large amt. of money on a big wedding is nonsense.</p>
<p>I’d be upset if my kids eloped. There are no divorces in my or dh’s family. So there are no awkward this one hates that one.</p>
<p>My kids have be raised with family being very important, and being shown our marriage is everything to us. I don’t care if it’s a big or small, lavish or backyard barbecue, but a new marriage should be encouraged, celebrated and all who loved them would want to wish them well. I think if it isn’t all about the party, but about the wedding it can be kept under control. It’s a big deal and I wouldn’t want it in their heads that it isn’t a big deal to all of us to make this kind of commitment.</p>
<p>I am totally fine with eloping. I met my dh in China in 84, we broke up a few months after I returned to college in the states, 3 yrs later after some failed romances here, thought to myself - gosh, maybe dh was “the one.” Went back to China on vacation to see him, he proposed and we began the paperwork for gov’t permission to marry. In our case, in order to be a couple (in that time) we had to marry. Dating wasn’t an option in china and he couldn’t get a visa to come to the states. So, we took a leap of faith. Eventhough I called my mother to let her know, there really wasn’t any way anyone of my family could or would be there. No ceremony, just a civil document signing and a dinner with his relatives. I think the whole shebang including my $25 traditional qi-po dress cost around $200 - which was alot for my inlaws. My parents gave us $2K in place of a wedding - seems like a good deal to me!! Been married now 24 yrs. Don’t think anyone would have given us better than 50-50 odds given the circumstances and cultural differences.</p>
<p>I watch Say Yes to the Dress religiously, and I think if one of my dds were to elope, I would be ok as long as they did go dress shopping and bring me along!! I really regret not getting to do that as a bride (silly I know!)</p>
<p>This is how I feel, too. But then Dh and I have been married for over 40 years and is the foundation on which our family was built. I’d like my kids to see marriage as the most important commitment in their lives and as the beginning of a lifetime partnership.
Considering how close our family has been and how supportive we are of one another, eloping would just be weird. I can’t imagine it, actually.</p>
<p>We also watch SYTTD as a family. I’m pretty sure D1 wouldn’t elope because she wants to go dress shopping & frankly she can’t keep a secret. D2 is horrified by SYTTD, can’t think of a worse thing than getting dressed up & keeps things close to the vest. So I could see D2 eloping if for no other reason than to avoid the hoopla.</p>
<p>Since I didn’t get to have the wedding I wanted, I hope that I (and the future inlaws) won’t interfere with what my D’s would like if and when they decide to marry someone. While it’s hard for me right now to imagine a situation where either D would elope, 5-10 years from now when they’re living in another area maybe I could. I’d like to be there but I trust that they make good decisions and they’d have their reasons why. </p>
<p>I think DH would be vacillating between heartbreak that he didn’t get to walk his princess down the aisle and dance with her, and overwhelming joy that his wallet was still intact ;)</p>
<p>For my DS, I wouldn’t mind the elopement. My DH and I are only legally married because it was such a hassle to buy our house when we moved to this state from CA. We considered ourselves together for 20 years and don’t even celebrate the actual date of our wedding anniversary, but the date we chose. Neither of us are religious so we don’t consider this piece of paper to binding us any more important than the vows we made to each other on a beach in Mexico when our DS was 5. </p>
<p>Although I love watching SYTTD, I am glad that we didn’t waster our money on a wedding. I don’t understand why do much focus is on the wedding as opposed to the marriage. My only regret is that for both ceremonies, I didn’t buy a new dress.</p>
<p>This is a little different. I have a friend who secretly married and then had a wedding so her family could attend about 4 months later. They still don’t know after 20 years–the couple celebrates two anniversaries.</p>
<p>I’d be sad if my kids eloped, because I don’t like missing milestones like that. I find it interesting that it seems to be moms who are more OK with this than dads. Perhaps moms (and brides) find weddings more stressful than the clueless men involved?</p>
<p>They were in the military at the time and got married so they could stay together. They just didn’t tell their parents since hers would have been very upset.</p>