Have you actually called up and asked if it too late to make changes? There’s the “official” cutoff and there’s what folks are willing to do. It’s amazing how flexible places will be when a paying customer asks nicely. You’re not placing a new order, you’re making a change.
I really get the vibe that you’ve already made up your mind that you are unwilling to accommodate the cousin’s diet and that you feel put out by the situation rather than being open to making it work. There are all kinds of places where you could pick up an appropriate item preprepared and stash it in the fridge a few days ahead - if you wanted to.
This is family getting together to celebrate a religious holiday. I guess I don’t understand the “I’m not going to accommodate” mindset. :-?? You cared enough to post here, perhaps just to vent?
I’ve been a vegetarian for most of my life. I don’t expect people to cater to me but the not rude response is to tell me what you’re having so I can plan accordingly.
The way your H said it comes off to me as “hope you don’t starve!”
Tell her what you’re having and that you can’t order anything else now. She should plan accordingly.
You have quite a few days’ notice. I don’t think it would be all that hard to stop off in the prepared food section of your grocery store the next time you’re picking up your groceries and buy a pint of something like a bulgar salad. I don’t think I’ve been in a store that didn’t have some sort of vegan-friendly option.
As someone upthread said, sometimes when you provide something special for someone with a dietary restriction it goes too quickly because everyone else wants some. My solution has been to either warn the person in question that they should jump in line as soon as the meal starts so they’re guaranteed the special food, or to put something aside in the kitchen and direct them to it before bringing it out to the table. I do figure if I have to provide something special I may as well make enough for everyone unless it’s something I don’t think the regular diet eaters would like. For instance, my kid (following GF) eats tempe bacon. It’s not a bad substitute for pork, but it’s really not as tasty as real bacon. I wouldn’t offer it to guests without a warning. On the other hand I’m sometimes surprised by the number of omnivores who order veggie burgers instead of beef when we offer them at a cookout.
To add another possible layer of complexity: My sister is vegetarian. She makes a point of telling people that because she loves animals, she will not eat animal products. In other words, rather than simply saying, “I’m a vegetarian.”, she presents herself as holier than thou. If there is any history of this sort of attitude with the niece, Hubby’s response seems appropriate to me. (I don’t mean to suggest that I would not try to accommodate anyone with an “attitude”. I would - just not perhaps very graciously at the last minute.)
In circumstances with those who simply have preferences but don’t try to educate me or prove themselves better, I’m in the crowd that would try a simple accommodation. I like the idea of sending the menu stating it has been ordered and can’t be changed and inviting her to supplement it by bringing a dish of her own.
Agree with @doschicos
Here’s another easy solution/idea. Are you familiar with the TastyBite products? They have a variety of rice dishes that come in pouches (most are vegan and gf) that you cook in the microwave for 90 seconds. Open the pouch, put it in the micro and in 90 seconds you have a nice vegan side dish.
Now, I have no idea how polite this cousin is or isn’t. But just suppose she arrives at your home with her own food and a nice hostess gift - how are you going to feel serving her just a piece of bread?
@maya54 If you have a grocery run coming up between now and then, could you pick up a container of lettuce, a few veggies you cut up the day before, and a vegan dressing? I realize this could be an issue if you aren’t planning to be at the grocery but even I could probably trust my husband to go to the grocery with a simple and short list lol.
Good luck!
This is a timely thread with the holidays approaching. I believe it was rude to say “I hope you find something you like.” to an invited guest. I might have replied with the menu then the guest could decide whether or not she would eat the catered food or bring something to share. As a hostess, when we have large gatherings, I always make sure we have at least one non meat food item - vegetable soup or salad.
IMHO there’s a little bit of failure on both sides. And by “little” I do mean very minor. In the interest of being a good host it would be a nice gesture to be a little more accommodating, but if a big crowd is expected and all preparations are already complete I could understand resistance to making a last minute change for one individual.
On the other side, I do think someone with a voluntary dietary restriction (and no, a recent choice to be vegan is not at all like a lifetime religious restriction to not eat pork) does bear a responsibility on their part to not make things difficult for the host. That includes the suggestions made by others to bring a dish (or at least offer) and/or not even mention the restriction. W drags me to gatherings hosted by her friends sometimes and I always go expecting to not like any of the food and I’m rarely disappointed - I eat a couple nibbles while exclaiming how delicious the food is, then come home and eat a late dinner.
All of that said, it’s awkward in OP’s case because this is the first time they’re hearing about the restriction, plus the added annoying “fussy eater” aspect of the cousin not eating anything “dip-like or saucy”. I’m sure in the next go-round OP will be more accommodating now that she knows. With that in mind, perhaps a little more diplomacy right now (either an extra vegan dish or a little more communication) will help smooth the way to those future events. At a minimum, OP could send the cousin a list of the dishes that were ordered so she can see if there’s something there she can eat.
It’s interesting that we seem to be split on the original question. Perhaps the answer is that it comes down to tone of voice and prior relationship, both of which could determine whether the niece interprets hubby’s response as meaning, “Good luck, because we’re not going to do a thing to accommodate your weird dietary restriction” or “I hope you’ll like something among the limited vegan dishes we can offer.”
@Sue22 I agree that people seem to be split, but my guess, based on the fact that the sister said something is that it was interpreted as being a bit rude. I’ve had various people in my family/friends decide to become vegetarian or vegan and not be aware until right before an event. It was not difficult to stop at a grocery store or restaurant the day before and get a vegan dish. It seems like we also have different views on how to handle our guests.
Honestly, whatever you decide to do about the menu, don’t let this tiny, silly issue become a big thing. How easy would it be to say “I’m sorry if Bob came off as dismissive in the text, he didn’t mean to be. We’re having x, y, and z. Is there something we can pick up for you or do you want to bring your own item?”
@PetraMC, excellent post. After losing a young family member two years ago, I’ve realized that life is too short to sweat the small stuff, and ALMOST EVERYTHING is “small stuff” after you go to the funeral of a wonderful 20-year-old kid.
I live with two vegetarians. The way we approach this issue is we do what we can to accommodate known dietary restrictions/preferences and we do not expect others to return the favor. Its more of a pleasant surprise when they do. At that is just from experience. So neither of the vegetarians goes to a house/party/event very hungry (have a little something to eat before you go) and we are prepared to stop on the way home for food as necessary. Its just much easier that way.
We number quite a few vegans, vegetarians, gluten-intolerant, spice intolerant and teetotalers(for religious reasons) in our circle of family and friends and when we invite them to our house we make sure their requirements are taken care of.
If it meant no alcohol served for the occasion, we’ve done that. I’ve cooked two versions of every item for the friend intolerant of any spice(even a dash of pepper will make her sick); one with normal spicing for the rest of the diners and one without any spices.
I believe your invited guest shouldn’t have to compromise with food. If it makes more work, so be it. So when I invite someone, I will ask them if they have any dietary restrictions or preferences that I should be aware of. I learned my lesson when, in my early days as a hostess, I served not one but 2 desserts with milk and cheese to a guest who was lactose intolerant. Arrgh…
That said, I get the feeling that this diet change on this cousin’s part is recent and not something the OP was aware of(they may have had her over previously without any restrictions). That makes it annoying, especially when catering and having restricted options for change because the cousin is picky about options within the vegan spectrum too, and I can sympathize with that.
However, OP’s husband’s response wasn’t the best tone, imo. While not rude, it sounded indifferent - ‘Ok, I get it and be aware that you may not find much to eat but I can’t/don’t want to deal with it’. It may not be possible to have options for her at this point but I do think an effort to try would be appreciated. Even if it means apologizing that you are unable to cater a dish catered for her at this late point and asking her to get a dish of something that will work for her. A sincerely meant effort will smooth any ill feeling.
Agree that it’s a very easy fix and something more is afoot here. Either the hostess is not really fully committed to hosting this party and is somehow feeling put upon, or there exists some sort of unresolved undercurrent between the hostess and her niece or SIL. It’s too small of a request to ignite conflict.
If I did business with a catering company and called them a few days before my gathering and asked them to include a green salad and a container of hummus with my order and they responded with a “sorry orders are closed”, I would conclude they were either a second rate caterer not worthy of my business or they did not value my business. In either case I would cross them off my list for future events and take 20 minutes to stop at a local shop the day before and pick up those items myself.
"If I did business with a catering company and called them a few days before my gathering and asked them to include a green salad and a container of hummus with my order and they responded with a “sorry orders are closed”, I would conclude they were either a second rate caterer not worthy of my business or they did not value my business
As I said this is standard around here for the high holidays, especially for Yom Kippur . All the most popular places have very strict no exceptions policies. They probably get 20-30x or more their normal tray orders for that one day. I’m not sure there’s any equivalent in the world outside of the Jewish High holidays.
It’s whole other world. A friend visiting from out of town was flabbergasted that thisweek the local grocery is so busy that they have to hire police officers to direct traffic in their parking lot and every other person is carrying a big dish INTO the grocery ( their cooked brisket to be sliced)
@maya54 - the holidays can be stressful for people of all faiths - because while families can bring out the best in people, they sometimes will also stir up little annoyances/resentments, etc. These stresses can get magnified by the size of the gathering- and if big enough to be catered, its almost a certainty that someone will be stressed about some portion of the event… And by saying this I don’t mean to be critical of the day of fasting/prayer and the restriction on “normal work” during Yom Kippur - I think it adds to the complexity of your problem, as you cannot run out to get something special.
As I recall, this is not an occasion to wish you a happy holiday - so it’s better to wish you and your entire family “Have an easy fast!”.
I want to say @maya54 that I think I get it. I’ll put it from the context of my experience.
I have nieces and nephews who are sometimes vegetarian, who sometimes decide for a particular moment that they want to eat vegan. So one time you see them and they are vegan and the next next, eh no not right now.
They are also very catered to by their parents who think that they are very special snowflakes. The kids are also very picky eaters and who knows what they will eat or not. For instance their mother will ask that we put a item on the side or omit it and the kids never touch said item. And the dish isn’t what everyone else likes but made for kids who don’t eat it.
It gets tiring and the mother caters to the kids every whim. There is no dealing with what is on the menu. Which is why we let the mother host holidays now. No shame either.
