Yes, I think your husband could have had a little more tact in his response, which on face was rude.
Yes, I think part of being a good host(ess) is making people who you invite to your home feel comfortable and welcomed.
There was a disconnect on both ends because you did not inquire about any dietary needs and cousin did not tell you about them when the invitation was extended. I have one particular relative who has a laundry list of restrictions. Guess what? If I invite him to a family function at my home, I make sure he is accommodated. He he is attending a family function at one of my sister’s, I will call her to remind them of his accommodations.
Also please do not jump to the conclusion that some people’s change in diet is a voluntary choice. I recently had a health situation that required major changes to my diet (some because of the interactions with my meds), especially alcohol. While I was never a big drinker, I drink absolutely no alcohol and there are even some juices that I can no longer tolerate. I have not chosen to tell people that this is the reason that I no longer eat/drink X is because of Y (and I have every right to chose who I want to disclose information to).
I know that sometimes there can be a long history behind seemingly trivial issues. I have a story about a family member came over with his daughter for dinner, after which I said, “I will not cook for this guy again. Next time, I’m out of town”.
When it was time to get dinner started, he asked, “What do you have for dinner?” I had a large complement of chicken, pork, grilled vegetables, rice, salad, cheeses, fruits, finger foods, fruit tart, many simple items that would generally appeal to kids. And if she liked, chicken fingers and french fries, PB and J, the things that picky kids would go for. He said, “Nope, she won’t eat any of that. Only macaroni and cheese.” So he went off to the grocery store to pick it up. While he was there, he picked up some steak and potatoes for himself and my husband (whom I didn’t blame at all for this), came back and grilled the steak over the fire pit.
I had spent a lot of money and time, getting organic, free range items at Whole Foods, and cooking (which I hate), and it was a very nice spread of food for just a few people. I’m all about accommodating guests and giving them what they want, but this was so rude. And he’s a really nice guy, it was bizarre. But he probably wonders why I’m never around any more when he comes over!
If this is the meal after the end of Yom Kippur, which is what it sounds like, then picking up fresh food, such as salad greens, earlier in the day might be a problem depending on the strictness with which the person who would have to obtain the food observes the holiday.
This is a good example of the downside of text conversations… quickly written and texts can’t convey tone. I take no offense with either of the texts.
This discussion is causing my PTSD from last Thanksgiving flare up. Let’s see if I can remember all the dietary restrictions: gluten free (non celiac), vegetarian, low fat, low carb, dairy free, shell fish allergy, no alcohol (for religious reasons so no alcohol in cooking), no pork (same religious reasons), sugar free. Maybe more. Beyond eating, there was a big divide on if our house was too hot or too cold. Elderly aunt kept her heavy coat on the entire evening and SIL kept opening the doors to let cool air in.
That being said, I feel that’s it’s my job as hostess to accommodate our guests as best as possible. I did have one cousin who checks the box for several of the restrictions above bring two side dishes she and her kids would eat. We put a space heater by auntie and seated SIL across the room by a door. And I kept a glass of wine going in the kitchen.
All-in-all, I’m glad I made the effort and do know it was appreciated.
We have family members with dietary preferences as well. Usually THEY offer to contribute a dish to the family meals they are invited to. That way…they know there will be something they can eat.
This young lady is a guest…but really, in my opinion, since she has a dietary preference…she could have offered herself to contribute something…however small…to the meal.
Otherwise, she clearly knows that vegan choices are not what is usually on the menu…or she wouldn’t have said anything.
I don’t think the husband was rude. He was stating the fact.
Does this young cousin expect everyone who hosts her to “cater” to her dietary preferences? I doubt that everyone will make their whole meal for,her…but even this family will have vegetables, and bread. She isn’t going to starve.
If everyone concerned is equally observant (or equally not-so-observant) with regard to the kosher dietary laws, this could work. But if they differ in this regard, having someone bring a dish could cause more problems than it solves.
It’s entirely possible that the OP’s family is using the particular caterer they have chosen because everyone who usually attends this event considers the caterer’s adherence of the dietary laws to be acceptable. They might feel strongly that no foods from other sources should be served. If the vegan guest brought something that was vegan but not kosher, it could create difficulties.
(I’m not Jewish, but when I was young, I lived with a very observant Jewish roommate. There are complexities here that most of us would not understand. I don’t fully understand them myself, but I’m aware that they exist.)
Oy. Our family has vegan, pescatarian, gluten-free and various other diets going on. I just try to provide something for everyone, not everything for everyone.
I agree, picking up a pint of [something vegan and already prepared] is what I personally would do in this situation.
Haha @aMacMom, such the truthful thanksgiving feast!
My D is dating someone with a severe nut and shellfish allergy, if he sticks around that will add another layer of joy to the feast! (It’s entirely different but do you know how nuts are in so many different things and avoiding them is interesting?)
A severe allergy is one thing…but so far as I know…being vegan is a personal choice. I don’t begrudge folks who make that choice…but I do think this person could offer to bring something.
Please do not bring food to a gathering without checking with the host. My children have peanut and nut allergies. Even an item with nuts or peanuts left open on a kitchen counter can cause a serious reaction. We have had to leave parties and gatherings immediately upon arrival to avoid a reaction because someone brought a food item that the host knew our family could not be exposed to, but the guest brought extra items.
@MaterS absolutely…this vegan guest should check with the hosts about bringing any food into their home…for any number of reasons.
I just think…there will be vegetables, and bread…the cousin isn’t going to starve.
An allergy is one thing…it’s not a personal choice. Being a vegan is a choice. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect folks to cater to this…especially since there will be food this cousin CAN eat.
Just curious, if you were a vegan and did not serve animal products in your home what would do if a guest informed you that they needed steak/port/chicken with each meal?
The minutia of categories which people now have for dietary requirements makes the though of entertaining very unappealing.
Oh please, this is pretty easy to accommodate. Let’s not throw up fake examples as a way to justify not being accommodating in this situation. Of course, nobody HAS to but I’d argue that when you invite someone, especially a relative, I sure would WANT to make sure my guest’s needs are accommodated especially when the effort is small and the payoff is bigger in terms of family dynamics .
OP, this is so timely. I have a vegan couple coming over for the holidays. I heard about it way in advance, though, so I have been planning the menu with them in mind. And then I added the gluten free friend…and my husband is a pescatarian. Complicated! I figure everyone will have a few dishes he can eat.
The worst was my MIL. I would make a nice dinner and she would come over and announce she had already eaten. What? She was invited over for dinner!
Take the high road, given the nature of the holy days. It won’t take all that much effort to put a few things in the fridge for her as others suggested.
I know that I would feel better in the long term having accommodated her than feeling self righteous.
PB&J is vegan. Go with a superchunk pb, a gourmet raspberry preserve, and a freshly baked loaf of whole grain bread… mmmmm good! (If nuts are not a problem)
If you are ordering trays, then this is even easier: order one vegan meal from a restaurant just for her. It’s not a big deal, and will make her feel welcome. Which is the point of the invite, right? Don’t let your irritation get in the way of being a good host when $8 and a phone call will fix the issue!