Would you let your 13 year-old daughter...

Parent Cafe
41

<p>Thank you!</p>

<p>Nerdy kids have hormones, too. While they may be concerned with one thing, this does not mean dynamics can’t shift. </p>

<p>If it was my 13 year old girl, I would invite the boys to my house. Too many unknown factors, unless, of course, you ask around with the parents and people involved. Easier to get to know the kids when they’re at your place. </p>

<p>I know from my experience with friends and hangouts is that 13 year olds are not innocent, especially, when the group consists o boys and girls. </p>

42

<p>Thanks for all the input. I like the idea of being able to monitor the situation myself. So, it sounds like I will be hosting Minecraft gatherings. I will add that my daughter is no shrinking violet. From the conversations that I have heard when she is on Skype, she is definitely not deferring to the boys. :wink: </p>

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<p>I’d probably be okay with this. At some point you have to start letting go and give kids agency over their choices. As for the theoretical risk of sexual assault, any time you let your daughter go to a sleepover where there’s a dad, uncle, older brother, friend of the family, that risk is there. You can’t eliminate all risk. Fast forward five years to college, where they face the greatest risk of sexual assault in their lives, and I think the girl who has been navigating dealing with boys and sexual assault prevention is in a much better place than the girl who has never been alone with boys before. </p>

44

<p>When my daughter was 13, she didn’t talk to boys, so this precise issue didn’t come up for me. In general, though, if there is sexual activity going on among 13 year-olds, I would bet anything that the girls are initiating it. Thirteen-year-old girls are ready to reproduce; 13-year-old boys are generally ready to play video games. My son had a girlfriend at 13, and it was utterly clear that his role in the relationship was to do whatever she told him to do. He adored her, she was his best friend, but it was completely her show. (If I, at 13, had understood the developmental difference between me and the girls I knew, I might have jumped off a bridge somewhere.)</p>

<p>My daughter never quite got around to hanging out with boys much in high school, but there was one boy who sometimes formed part of her otherwise all-female posse. He slept over at our house two or three times as part of a small crowd of girls. We thought it was interesting, but we were reasonably certain that we were not hosting an orgy. (We knew the girls really well.) Towards the end of 12th grade, he did develop a romantic relationship with one of the girls in this group, but they kept it very much on the down-low – never any PDAs in the group, and he was super-nice about escorting my daughter to her prom (she went to a different school).</p>

<p>My son had the sort of gaming nerd friendship circle the OP describes. They often had sleepovers the night before Magic: The Gathering tournaments, and also occasionally attempted to do things like watch five James Bond movies in one night. There were two girls who sometimes formed part of this group. One of them slept over a lot. We knew her, and her parents, quite well. She was always assigned a separate room to sleep in, but we didn’t do bedchecks. (My son’s bedroom was huge, and could sleep a dozen or more in sleeping bags without anyone feeling crowded.) I didn’t worry a minute about her. She had been friends with most of these boys since kindergarten, she had them wrapped around her finger, and she was aggressively not interested in sex. (A couple years later, when her switch finally flipped, she went far outside this friendship circle for a boyfriend.) She is still close with most of these boys at 25; they were all at her wedding last summer.</p>

<p>The other girl was the first girl’s best friend, but her opposite in the sex-interest department. She was desperate for a boyfriend. She did not sleep over. It wasn’t because we banned her; maybe her parents didn’t let her; I honestly don’t remember the question coming up. If it had, I would have felt some concern. She was a perfectly wonderful young woman, and I liked her a lot, but she was a little scary in that respect. The boys found her a little scary, too; they never pushed to keep her there.</p>

<p>So, my bottom line: It depends on the girl and on the boys. I wouldn’t have an automatic policy either way.</p>

45

<p>I like the idea of inviting them all to OPs house first, then maybe let her go another time after OP has met the group and spoken to the parents.</p>

<p>When my D was 13 she spent a lot of time at another girl’s house, including sleepovers. I knew the mother fairly well, or so I thought. One night D called and asked me to bring her home. The mom’s boyfriend had shown up, was drunk and verbally abusive to everyone in the house. I later found out that this had happened once before.</p>

<p>D knew she was in an unsafe situation and did the right thing. I think we sometimes have to trust our kids. What we think is a safe situation may not be actually safe, and vice versa.</p>

46

<p>Fwiw, I do not think that nerds are any less likely to hurt people than anyone else. My whole point was that if they’re interested in an activity, that’s probably what they’re going to do together. </p>

<p>I just think it’s sad that we assume there is some ulterior motive</p>

47

<p>The ulterior motives are always there, waiting in the wings. Otherwise, Keith Morrison would have to find other work.</p>

48

<p>In my mind, allowing girls the freedom to interact freely is much more empowering than the nonsense #banbossy campaign being touted in another thread. The innate need to protect girls really manifests itself in unnecessary restriction more than anything else.</p>

49

<p>If I had a 13 year old DD I would say no…</p>

<p>BTW I just asked my 13 year old DS who plays mine craft what he thought. First he said why not let her go it’s not like they are going to have sex… Then I told him you didn’t know the boys or the parents well and he said well then that’s different I wouldn’t let her go. </p>

50

<p>Invite the boys over, get to know them, get to know the parents and then decide how you feel. You can’t make broad assumptions about these boys either way. We never allowed our kids to be unsupervised with friends in our home or others until late in high school when we had high comfort levels. </p>

51

<p>I agree with others that supervision is the key. I think it’s important to know the parents and the level of supervision they would provide, first hand. I would only let my Dd go if I knew the parent of the household well, and was comfortable with her definition of supervision. There were several parents in my kids’ friend groups who fit that description, so my kids were sometimes at mixed group events at that age- at all ages, really. But even single sex groups need supervision in their early and mid teens, imo. </p>

52

<p>It’s interesting. I have two daughters and my close neighbors have only boys. The moms in these families would always be sure to make girls feel welcome and would go down to the basement and check-in on what was going on. I don’t understand why there is an assumption that the kids because they are boys will not be supervised. This is a tough age, but I think letting your daughter go once - and setting up a code word with her if she wants to come home- would be the way to go. Maybe a short visit the first time is the way to go with you knocking on the front door to pick her up.</p>

<p>My concern is that she will become sneaky if you say no. This is a very real outcome for most teenagers who are tightly controlled. I would prefer to say yes and keep it short and drive her.</p>

53

<p>When I was growing up, all the parents worked.
Lots of single moms, even though it was the suburbs.
Kids gravitate to the houses without adults, or where adults are infrequent…</p>

54

<p>That’s a great point EK. The kids do gravitate to the houses without adults. I always tried my hardest to say yes if I could. </p>

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<p>I read a lot of moms on here. Well, I was a 13-year old boy once. Full-fledged nerd with glasses, briefcase and all. I do not think there was not a girl’s chest, which I was not fixated on, whether she had small, medium, or big breasts. I was fixated on all of them. And all my friends were too. Amazing, I remember thinking. Never touched them inappropriately though, but damn I wanted to. </p>

<p>So, be realistic. Nerds are regular boys too, but it does not mean they will be rude or take advantage. But, we are thinking what you wish we were not thinking. If you let her go, also let her know boys respond quite rapidly to a swift kick and a punch. </p>

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<p>When I was 13, i was waiting for the late activity bus outside my junior high, in the snow.
I dont know if I had missed ( the bus) it, but I was attacked by a group of boys 13-14 yrs old, some you could describe as " nerds". They held my arms and legs and pulled at my shirt & pants.
If it had just been one boy, I could have gotten away.
Groups of boys egg each other on.
I made sure I was available to drive & pickup, virtually always.</p>

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<p>Depends on the individual 13 year old. Some 13 year olds will be ruled by hormones, others to varying lesser/more controllable extents, and still more who are still stuck at the pre-teen/exceedingly immature “No girls/boys allowed” or “[name your gender] are weird” stage*. </p>

<p>Also, if a girl happens to be a tomboy who is well-accepted among similarly aged male friends, she’s less likely to have issues navigating her way around boys/young men than girls who don’t socialize as much with boys at this age. </p>

<p>And the same applies to boys who naturally gravitate towards having mostly female friends from a young age. One college roommate preferred having mostly female friends. He was very popular among women on and off-campus. </p>

<p>Then again, he also recalled there was much hatred/jealousy from fellow male classmates from his K-12 days as he was popular with women and was perceived as being in serious violation of the highly macho-oriented “guy code” prevalent in his childhood area/country which prompted some close calls and even a few violent attacks. </p>

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<p>When my kids were 13, they had the rule that they could only go to another kid’s house if a parent was home. So if it were my kid, I would call the parent (or email or text) and confirm the event was definitely occurring and that a parent would be home the whole time. This rule was for both of our kids of both genders. They attended small schools, so this was easier than maybe in a huge school. If we had kids at our house, one of us would always be home as well. Also, in OP’s situation, it would depend on if the host’s house was someone that Op had met before and if Op felt comfortable with them. If it was the “on-line” friend of a friend, then definitely not…</p>

<p>Then in the future, you should strive to have the minecraft parties at your house with refreshments!! Hopefully, your house can become party central. Then you can meet each of the kids.</p>

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<p>The main sticking point for me is that it sounds like you don’t know the host boy or host parents nor are you familiar with the two elementary school friends. Can you call and talk to the host parents? If your daughter says she doesn’t have their number, then it’s automatic no.</p>

<p>My daughter (now 16) is the older version of your daughter. She hangs out with boys, starting in 4th or 5th grade. One year, she was invited to a (male) friend’s birthday party and I discovered she was the only girl invited. Same set-up: basement, video games, all boys. BUT there was one big difference: I knew the boys, the mother of the birthday boy, the father of the birthday boy, etc. So yes, I had qualms but after talking with the mom, I was reassured and let my daughter go. She still goes to parties at this house (again, same set-up - video games, basement, pizza).</p>

<p>The thing is, if your daughter is likely to hang out with boys, you’ll need to have trust in her and her ability to make good choices. But we make sure to know D’s friends, and often the parents as well. We don’t always know the parents very well but enough to chat and discuss things concerning our children. </p>

<p>I like the idea of a party at your house so you can meet and get to know the boys. </p>

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<p>I had only boys. At the age of 13 I would more have trusted a lone girl among boys than a 13 yr old lone boy in a group of girls. </p>

<p>When my youngest was a freshman in high school he dated a girl for a couple of weeks which mostly involved hanging out at school. Never went anywhere with her by themselves. My other son told me they had broken up. When I asked why he said “because he wouldn’t put out.”</p>

<p>And you guys don’t trust 13 year old boys? I really, really don’t like the double standard here. It’s really sad to me that there are so many people that automatically make the worst assumptions about boys. Especially with what I know about that age group.</p>

<p>I totally agree that the most important part is getting to know the kids and their parents regardless of the gender.</p>