Would you pay for a wedding if your child dropped out of college?

Parent Cafe
101

<p>“I don’t believe that the OP doesn’t love his daughter.” Oh, I think he does…conditionally. He appears to talk to her when he feels like it, because his more frequent contact was reserved for when she was being a good girl. I’m sure his daughter welcomes those conversations because it proves to her that he still cares…as long as she doesn’t mess up again.</p>

<p>I made some pretty bad decisions at her age-no addiction, but I most certainly did get involved with someone who did not meet my parents’ approval. They made their feelings known, then they continued to love me and support me emotionally. And when he proved them right, and I came crawling back to them, they never once said they’d told me so, they’d never withheld communication to punish me for being bad, they gave me a safe place to land. </p>

<p>None of that registers approval, or stops a kid from learning a lesson, or ensures that they’ll have a lifetime of bad decisions. My parents are gone now and the best way I can honor their memory is to be as kind to my children as they were to me-even when I disappointed them.</p>

102

<p>I would not tie my wedding contribution to obtaining a college degree. Sorry, buy there are many many adult kids who have not gotten college degrees and still want to get married. Im not sure why you feel compelled to withhold wedding funds.</p>

103

<p>“Not sure why you you feel compelled to withhold wedding funds…”</p>

<p>Maybe because you need money to go to school and you don’t need money to get married (except for the license). Nobody is keeping them from getting married. To contribute to what you consider is a very bad choice is a bit like extortion. I wouldn’t pay to have my kid jump off a cliff no matter how much they want to.</p>

104

<p>I’d leave wedding and college both out of this discussion. Honestly, the guy does sound like he has issues–not because of age or past troubles or educational level–but of the way he talks about what he expects for the wedding (or at least how OP characterizes what it is.) But feeling like the guys kinda gauche is a different level than who gets what based on prior behavior.</p>

<p>Not my style, but mine isn’t many people’s. I do agree with those that sense that you’re very set in that approach, so discussion is sort of wasted here.</p>

<p>(@Blossom–ditto! :))</p>

105

<p>I agree w garland. One doesn’t have much to do w the other, unless already pre established.</p>

106

<p>Sseamom I didn’t get that the op was having issues communicating with his daughter because he said that they were communicating fine, not frequently but due to nothing else but her being a busy adult child, so it sounds like a normal adult parent child relationship and not like he is holding communication with her hostage contingent on dumping the boyfriend. He said that communication is still pretty good. It’s just two normal busy adults communication. If you are grown up enough to get married then you don’t need me to pay for school. My opinion since he wants to pay for school just not this wedding to this drip of a future son in law. Swing for a tiny backyard wedding with some chairs. Now off to have some discussion with my own HS junior and refresh about what “one and done” means (I’ll pay right out of high school but you get one chance - eff it up and you get all the free advice you can handle but no more cash). And I love you just as much as I did before.</p>

107

<p>Smoke that joint, pop that pill, what the eff ever and I am done paying for college but happy to pay for rehab.</p>

108

<p>This thread generates so many thoughts tumbling through my mind.</p>

<p>In general, I think you should treat your kids equally and not judge their spouse. My DD got married younger than I would have recommended, but she choose a young man of impeccable character, that helps.</p>

<p>On the other hand, if you see your kid about to make a life ‘ruining’ choice, how hard can you or should you try to intervene?</p>

<p>Did both FSIL and DD do drugs & rehab? If so, then he is not dragging her down, per se, but they may not be a good influence on each other, or they may be the ultimate support system. I know kids who went astray in HS or college, kids who were arrested, kids who drank too much, kids who did drugs, kids who had mental issues. For some it was a bump in the road, a lesson, a bad time. For others it was a downward spiral. It sounds like your DD has moved beyond her errors? And you are scared he is dragging her back toward bad decisions.</p>

<p>One thought, you mention she is a people pleaser, that can often be the person who finds him/herself where they should not be, if they don’t have a strong enough rubric and are too caught up in following & pleasing others! Does she have the internal recovery from all that mess to be making good decisions? Is he an outlier or typical of mediocre choices.</p>

<p>On “your responsibility” has he said those things to you or is she repeating them? I hate to judge anyone on here say.</p>

<p>I know parents whose DDs have had some really lousy choices, the parents brought the kid in closer, invited to the house, invited to events, etc. Sometimes not judging and pushing away allowed the DD to get a more clear perspective and drop the loser.</p>

<p>When people are addicts, those months or years of drug and alcohol use are times when they are in limbo, not really growing and maturing. If your DD is 21 and she spent 2 years addicted, think of her as 19. If he is 27, but spent 5 years addicted, think of him as 22.</p>

<p>I know a family where one son was gay & one was a hippie living in a commune, both were totally disowned, no contact for the entire 1970s. The gay one later died of AIDS, the hippie later become a regular middle glass guy who has a relationship with his parents, but is not close to Dad who did the judging. I don’t think anything Dad did convinces the guy to change his life. On the other hand you don’t really want to accept that behavior.</p>

<p>We don’t know the details well enough to know what we would do. How at risk is she? How bad is he? I would find a way to get a search done, hire a PI, find out what the truth is, but don’t tell her that unless you find something dangerous. I, too, wonder about this timing of events and have heard of the lies of addicts.</p>

<p>We have such snippets of stories, saving $2k/month, needing help with a car repair. Was he raised with Affluenza?</p>

<p>Regarding weddings, we don’t pay for a wedding in our family, we give a financial gift, enough for a humble, but nice wedding, and let them decide how to spend it, including ‘permission’ for elopement!</p>

109

<p>OP said he no longer spoke to his D as often save for occasional texts because of what she had done. I didn’t get the impression that meant because she was a busy working adult but because it was one of his ways to punish her for getting involved with drugs. He said that when they DID talk it was very open-at least that’s what he believes. If I were the daughter and communication was reduced by my parent as a form of “See what you did, so I’m cutting back on interaction with you,” I’m not sure I’d see that in any kind of positive light.</p>

110

<p>PS: If you pay for some portion of the wedding, I guess paying for her to finish school would be her husband’s responsibility!</p>

111

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Whose behavior? The dad’s or the sons’?</p>

112

<p>I would imagine disowning your child, would be the unacceptable behavior.
I cant imagine a situation where I would do the same.</p>

113

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<p>OP said they had that much “extra,” presumably over basic expenses. That doesn’t mean it is being saved. If they were saving it, he would not have to go begging to his parents to fix his car.</p>

<p>That, plus this jerk telling you that it is your responsibility to pay for HIS wedding, really turns me off.</p>

<p>Your D sounds like the sensible one who is indeed putting her life back together. I would be tempted to tell her you will give her $25K in tuition payments over the next few years --not a lump sum, the BF would blow it-- OR $5K for a wedding. :D</p>

<p>It is too bad that something doesn’t make them wait. Chances are, he would screw up sufficiently within the next year or so to make the scales fall from her eyes.</p>

114

<p>Ok so they were closer before her drink/drug/rehab days and now the relationship is a bit strained and that sounds pretty normal sseamom because a drug addicted child tends to strain the parent child relationship. Still don’t think it’s super the fault of the parent that the child chose to drink/do drugs/drop out of school and also no reason to infer that the parents love is conditional. I know a parent going through this now, kid in and out of school and in legal trouble - unquestionable parental love but “I’m not paying for that” and shouldn’t.</p>

115

<p>Agree wish something could get them to wait because I see this being a total codependent relationship.</p>

116

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<p>I second that.</p>

<p>BTW, the OP hasn’t said what this D put the rest of the family through with her addiction. Stealing, lying, anything is possible and not uncommon.</p>

117

<p>I just think when you start blaming the parents for the kids addiction though sometimes when there’s smoke there’s fire in parenting style, at some point the kid needs to own up and take control of their own life. Traditional college with parents paying has come and gone for this child and if they are so traditional in regard to the wedding pull the old “you are living together so how traditional is that.” No telling what she put them through while using.</p>

118

<p>Saying I don’t talk to my kid as much NOW because of what she did THEN, not because things are strained but just BECAUSE, sounds conditional. Saying that once a kid screws up, then forever they will get LESS than the “good siblings”, sounds conditional. If <em>I</em> had a kid recovering from addiction, I would make even MORE of an effort to reach out so that they KNEW I as their parent was still in their corner.</p>

<p>I don’t care if he pays for the wedding or not. I hope my kids elope, frankly, after the threads on this board about who should pay for what and hurt fee-fees over who is invited or if the yard is professionally landscaped or not. And I wouldn’t likely pay for college after a kid failed out either. Dropping out is another matter-there have been cases right here on CC where the parents HAVE paid for kids to go back.</p>

<p>But the implication by the OP was that he was planning to keep his daughter in a state of being unforgiven for the rest of her life because of her misdeeds. I can’t wrap my mind around treating a SOBER child of mine as though they DESERVED to be “less than” their siblings as long as they lived because of what they did in their teens. I just can’t.</p>

<p>I’m not talking about a kid still using, lying, stealing, etc. Nor am I talking about pretending it never happened. But forever is a damn long time.</p>

119

<p>I think the title is misleading. After watching this thread progress it seems to me the primary issue isn’t that the daughter hasn’t finished school. In fact, that seems to be the least of her transgressions in the OPs eyes. The drinking, smoking, taking drugs, underemployment, choice of partner…these all seem like much bigger issues to the OP. If the daughter had left school, was working but choose an ‘acceptable’ partner, would the OP sigh and say ‘wow, I wish she’d wait’ but not be going through such heartburn. She chose rehab and from what we’ve been told is working on recovery (something that is lifelong). How long does she get punished? How long does the dad refer to her as a ‘druggy’? When does she get to move forward? No one has to be over the moon if you’re not, but being wounded because your daughter didn’t walk the path you selected is not serving anyone. </p>

<p>I have a son who has made choices I have wasted hours and hours crying over. I’ve wondered what I did wrong, I have two kids that seem to ‘get it’. The day I realized I was not responsible for his choices, his problems were not mine, and they didn’t reflect me (hey, in short it’s not about ME!) was very freeing and a huge turning point. Of course this meant I also couldn’t take credit for good decisions my kids make. And my other two may yet make plenty of decisions I’m not happy about. This freed me of bitterness I was carrying towards him. I divorced myself from those things. I offered my help if and when he sought it and have focused on his many positive attributes (which are many). It saved our relationship after several years of conflict. I still hope he makes a few changes but those are his to own. We don’t withhold time, communication, attention, gifts, in any way in relation to our other kids. His compliance (or not) with our values is not a requirement. He’s my son and I choose a relationship. More then once he has come to me humbly and thanked me quietly, saying “all my life you’re the only one who always believed in me”. I never want him to loose that. Life is bleak and very bad decisions are made, self destructive ones, when you think no one believes in you. </p>

<p>I think parents should contribute (or not) whatever they wish to a child’s wedding. I would never tie that amount to behavior I find </p>

<p>acceptable, but that’s my choice.</p>

120

<p>Thank you for saying that Blue. my response was to the title of the thread. Really, this issue is only tangentially related to the daughter finishing school. Too many other issues to address.</p>