Would you pay for a wedding if your child dropped out of college?

Parent Cafe
141

<p>Garland - Well in our families it’s to go to school , learn, figure out what you are good at , get a job that can support yourself and your family. Of all my family members that are adults I am the only one that only has a BS everyone either has a masters or a PHD. So somewhere along the line getting paid for grades didn’t mess up the real goal.</p>

<p>I don’t care if other people pay their kids for grades or not . I’m just saying it works for us and a lot of other people too.</p>

<p>Some people pay their kids for doing chores around the house. We don’t. We expect them to do that because they are part of the family. The only way our kids get paid from us is their grades. Each family has to decide what works for them.</p>

142

<p>@MichiganGeorgia - I do the same. I pay for grades but don’t pay an allowance for chores - because you live in the house so chores are expected. I’ll pay for large chores to give her opportunity to earn extra $$. Right now she’s paying off her half of a car - having a hard time finding a job but she’s welcome to try to meet a gpa goal I have set. Not seeing any negative about it either. Regular polite kid…</p>

143

<p>I lived with my h before we got married. I was 23 & H was 26. We had been living together almost four years.
We didn’t expect( nor did they offer) our parents to pay for our wedding.</p>

<p>If you had planned to contribute to a wedding under different circumstances, I would give her roughly that amount as a wedding present, to help get them started,( or maybe help to pay her school loans if she has any) but I wouldn’t pay for the wedding.</p>

<p>How old is she?
She sounds very young.</p>

144

<p>UPDATE**</p>

<p>It went really well!! My daughter again proves how mature she can be when she wants to be. I apologized for not being engaged 100% and putting walls up around my heart for fear of being hurt again for not being vulnerable with my love. Before her issues we hung out so much that her friends would say “Why do you hang out with your dad so much?” we did everything beach, movies, concerts, fishing, so her lies, drugs, dropping out, more lies, over the course of years just destroyed me. She understood and we shared a tear or two. We both agreed we have to hang out more and get that fire roaring again.</p>

<p>Honesty has always served me best being gut wrenchingly open and honest having those hard conversations works best even if not always pleasant !! I shared all of my concerns regarding marriage so soon and highlighted all of the things about him that rubbed me wrong. She agreed with most of it……………saying ”I love him, I really do love him, but I know he is immature and needs to work on some things. I know that and I’m scared too!”, “Mainly about his drug use over the summer and will he use again?”</p>

<p>She shared a story from the summer when a knock on the apartment was his parole officer and 3 police officers doing a drug search. She said “Dad you don’t know what that feels like. To have 3 cops search your house while you are in bed ½ naked and your BF is sweating bullets. He had weed and MOJO they just didn’t find it. He was so lucky!! We were so lucky!” Afterwards they got in a huge fight where she went off how “You were the best thing that ever happened now you are the worst thing that ever happened”, “I can’t live like this, I’m lying to everybody, I’m hiding, I’m covering for you this has to stop!!” she said they cried a ton and then things got better. This was in August of this year! In one spite driven argument she smoked and said “See I can do drugs too look I’m so cool like you!!” and was drug test 2 weeks later and almost was fired and that was the last straw……she realized how far she had fallen from being 100% sober to drinking and ultimately smoking weed that almost cost her……her job doing something she loves. She says they have been clean since then except for drinking here and there.</p>

<p>Since then things are up and down she is seeing a therapist the same one from years ago that knows her history. The therapist thought they needed couples therapy to get to the bottom of some of their issues which he has not been on board with yet. </p>

<p>I did bring up school for both of them and she agreed with that too and knows she has to make a choice now for a better future. They do talk about that they really do she said….they just never get to the point of actually doing something and making that decision. I talked about my dreams for her, my dreams that her fiancé would lift her up make her dreams a reality sacrificing his wants for hers, and not be so me, me, me focused. She said “He does sweet things for me, he is thoughtful, caring, he can be a brat at times I’m working on him. I do love him, but I hear what you are saying I would probably say the same thing.” </p>

<p>We talked about my desire to still pay for school versus spend so much on a wedding what makes more sense. She agreed too saying “Dad, you know me, it’s just his family wanting to come and he’s the one saying we need 125-150 people. I’m fine with Justice of the Peace and reception afterwards 2-3k tops spending 10K sounds ridiculous to me to……wasn’t you and mom’s wedding like $500 bucks or something?”, “We have a lot to talk about Dad I’ll keep you posted let’s talk again next week after I talk to him!” There was a lot more it was a 2hr conversation, but it couldn’t have gone much better than it did from cost, to school, to waiting, to my concerns it went well!! </p>

<p>In the end I said YOUR HAPPINESS IS FIRST AND FOREMOST , so if you still say I MUST MARRY HIM NOW THIS YEAR well we have a wedding to talk about :slight_smile: I love you tons.</p>

<p>She……….said “Dad, I’m going to talk to him you are right I know that. I just get caught up in the excitement wedding dresses, a party, honeymoon, but I know we have a lot of choices to make. I love you!” </p>

<p>So, thanks for all of the advice :wink: and have a great New Year.</p>

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<p>OMG, what a wonderful report. I am so glad you could clear the air and have such an honest conversation. For her to open up to you like that is really amazing.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you (and her) as you work through everything.</p>

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<p>Very nice, thanks for the update!! Good luck to all!</p>

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<p>Wow! I’m so happy for you :slight_smile: I hope it continues to go well!</p>

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<p>So, so very happy for you and your daughter! Your post exudes relief, a feeling of positivity and hope for your daughter. I bet your daughter is feeling the same relief to have had the chance to speak to you so openly about so much, hear your words of compassion, concern, and wishes for the future. There are probably few others, if any, she could share such things with. What a wonderful turn for the new year. :)</p>

149

<p>I’m glad you were able to put aside your hurt and really communicate with your daughter. She seems very level-headed-the person she was during her drug years was not the “real her”. And by keeping your lines of communication open, now you’ll get to enjoy her again. Best wishes to both of you.</p>

150

<p>Thanks for the update.
I wish you and your daughter the best of luck and happiness.</p>

<p>Happy new year!</p>

151

<p>Nice job lotsokids. Good open and honest communication is always the best as long as it is done with mutual respect.</p>

<p>If she decides to move forward do not think twice about writing a check and giving her a hug. Let her know that is your total contribution for this once in a lifetime event. Then just sit back and watch as the young couple struggle with the compromises and deadlines planning a wedding entails. She will get a first hand experience on how he deals with the challenge of a budget and compromise. Maybe it’ll be great. And then again maybe she will see sides of him that will be omens of things to come and she will rethink things.</p>

<p>Could end up being the best spent money possible if it helps reveal some major cracks in the armor. And you will be no where near those arguments!</p>

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<p>Glad to hear that it went well! Best wishes to you and her in 2014.</p>

153

<p>Sounds like you and your D have a solid relationship. I’m sure the BF has some good qualities she sees in him and she sounds like she was VERY receptive in your chat. I wish you and her a great new year! Best of luck to all moving forward! :)</p>

154

<p>Very nice talk you had with your D, but why aren’t you that concerned that you were told that he’s been “clean” for 4 years, yet…</p>

<p>She shared a story from the summer when a knock on the apartment was his parole officer and 3 police officers doing a drug search. She said “Dad you don’t know what that feels like. To have 3 cops search your house while you are in bed ½ naked and your BF is sweating bullets. He had weed and MOJO they just didn’t find it. He was so lucky!! We were so lucky</p>

<p>Again…how do you know when an addict is lying? His lips are moving.</p>

<p>…and why is he on probation?</p>

155

<p>I’d strongly encourage a LONG engagement. There are just so many read flags, but you want your D to figure things out and not push her into his arms. </p>

<p>She needs more answers and needs to remember how scary it is to have the police come and search, when BF is sweating because he KNOWS he is in violation. SHE needs to figure this out herself.</p>

<p>I have an acquaintance who recently married an ex-con and is finding the marriage to require significantly more adjustment than she had expected. Her folks were concerned and upset, since he was a former addict (like her first H). They wanted her to slow down and be SURE. Not sure whether they could have done anything to help her slow down so she didn’t pitch herself into such a challenging marriage. Hope things work for them, but it isn’t the path her loved ones had hoped for her.</p>

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<p>M2CK - The OP has had a great conversation with his daughter, what he feels is a big step forward for both and comes back to share this. If he’d wanted to share why the boyfriend is on probation he would have the last several times you asked. I fail to see why it’s any of your business, or anyone else’s here. You’ve made your concerns clear. The OP in no way is ignoring the very real difficulties these young people face, quite the opposite! Bringing up a concern for the OP to consider is one thing, pushing for personal details again and again just makes you appear nosy. Give it a rest.</p>

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<p>^^^</p>

<p>The OP has voiced concerns about his D and this guy. If he wants to exclude why the guy is on probation, then fine, but it just suggests that it is so bad that it’s just ANOTHER reason to not want his D to marry this guy. </p>

<p>I wasn’t asking “to be nosy”. It’s not like I’m asking how often they have sex each week. lol Heck, he’s the one who shared that his D was “half dressed” while their home was searched (I don’t think I would have shared that.) The question regarding his probation and its answer are relevant to this discussion. If he’s on probation for something rather minor, then super. If he’s on probation for something more serious…drug pushing, armed robbery, burglarizing homes for drugs/money…then that’s more serious and may suggest that he’s not only an addict but has other issues. </p>

<p>Yes, the dad is seriously concerned about this issue. However, since it sounds like facing these kind of issues (his D’s issues and now the BF’s issues) is rather new for him, it’s not unusual for someone whose life has been pretty routine up til recently to not consider all the red flags that are waving. Our family has “been there” with a couple of extended relatives. After a lifetime of “white bread living” (and I don’t mean race), coming upon drug issues with a couple of H’s relatives had found us ill-prepared to consider everything and we didnt’ know some red flags were red flags until it was too late. </p>

<p>Also, while not part of the discussion, something the dad and his D should consider is how his record will affect future employment opportunities. There are many jobs that won’t hire people with records, especially if the arrest had something to do with money or stealing.</p>

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<p>I think if the OP continues to talk to his D that he can convince her to slow it down a bit. And I would definitely ask her about birth control if I was her parent. You want to put the focus on recovery for BOTH of them (D and FSIL). What’s their recovery plan? Is she going to meetings? Is the OP going to ALANON or some other kind of family support group? I highly recommend that. And this is all in the context of a dad talking about recovery with his daughter. Ask the questions.</p>

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<p>M2CK - My point was, you’d asked more then once, if he’d wanted to disclose this he would have. You make very valid points in post #157 and these are things the OP should consider. You presented them beautifully with no knowledge of the bf’s probation specifics. The OP doesn’t need to share more to benefit from reading your post. That’s all.</p>

<p>Edit to add: If this is something your family has faced head on it makes sense you’d like to help, even guide, the OP on a very specific level. Sometimes an open, pubic forum isn’t the best platform. Perhaps you could offer help via PM.</p>

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<p>Making sense, blueiguana. OP doesn’t need to share details, probably some kind of high misdemeanor or a low felony drug charge and hopefully he can have it expunged if he stays clean and completes probation successfully, except it’s not likely that he’ll stay clean if he has an enabling family (they never do).</p>

<p>I’d keep a side stash of the college money (repeating myself, I know) both for legal issues if this relationship goes bad and for rehab if D needs a repeat. If she continues to recover then money is there for college (yes she will eventually want to go back to college). And really appreciate the OP sharing this with us.</p>