<p>Is the OP going to ALANON or some other kind of family support group</p>
<p>This is a very good idea. AlAnon is great for situations like this. I’ve been to a few meetings when we first learned about these relatives’ addictions, and it was very informative and supporting. I just had no idea of how misleading addicts can be. I really thought that when someone looks you in the eye and says, “I’ve been clean for X long” you could believe them. </p>
<p>I also learned that relapses are to be expected and not rare. I remember naively thinking that after someone was sober for X months that there were “well on their way.” oh god, how dumb that was. The person really is in early baby steps and will likely fall down again and again and again and again and again. </p>
<p>And, even the seemingly honest things we were told were lies. I don’t know all the sciency reasons, but it just seems that something goes on in their heads that even when they think they’re telling the truth, they’re not. </p>
<p>A year ago, after one such relative insisted that she’s been clean since going to rehab, accidentally spilled her purse’s contents and a pharmacy fell out. </p>
<p>Again, for someone who came from a family with no drug/alcohol addictions I was so stupid about this going in. I didn’t know the red flags, the signs, the misleading half-truths, etc.</p>
<p>M2CK- I agree with your skepticism about the situation, the tendency for addicts to lie, and the advice that the entire family be in a recovery program.
Addiction/codependency is known to be a family pattern. There can be a strong tendency for the non-substance abusers in the family to be enablers. They can be kind hearted people. It is extremely hard to see a loved family member make self destructive choices. They see the good side of the addict, but addiction takes precedence.
The OP seems to have a good relationship with his daughter and the talk they had is a positive step. Hopefully this will continue.</p>
<p>I’m sorry I don’t want to be Debbie Downer here but OMG how I disagree about feeling good about that talk. Well I’ll amend to say it’s good you are talking to her. She is in a swamp and I see why you want to not pay for this wedding. All I see is that when the wedding and its excitement is over and the sexual excitement ebbs and there’s a child and diapers and bills all she’ll be left with is a guy who hides drugs from his parole officer (who will eventually find them) and drags her into relapsing into drink and drugs. Hey but that’s just me tho. Glad you’re able to talk with her … hoping she’ll see reality and that you’ll be able to gently show her that … sounds like she’s getting there herself?</p>
<p>Anybody remember when I posted here freaking out that my younger sister had gotten engaged completely inappropriately? I do think that OP’s D is talking is a good start-- I see Hugcheck’s point that the things she said in that talk were scary, but the fact that she is willing to talk about it and isn’t trying defend it, to me, looks like a crack that will widen and will hopefully stop this wedding before it starts. My sister is a troubled girl herself and it’s when she’s not talking that things are downright scary… by the time she is willing to talk it means she is moving towards starting to work it out. I could be wrong, that’s just my family’s experience. I am always horrified by the things I find out were going on while she was not talking.</p>
<p>My sister ended up not getting married either, by the way. The engagement lasted a handful of months and she got as far as trying on wedding dresses and choosing which one she wanted, but they called it off before anything was actually booked or paid for. I’m sure everybody has a different experience, but personally if my relationship were not strong I don’t think it would have survived wedding planning, to be honest!</p>
<p>*I’m sorry I don’t want to be Debbie Downer here but OMG how I disagree about feeling good about that talk. Well I’ll amend to say it’s good you are talking to her. *</p>
<p>I agree that it’s good that they’re talking, but the content of the talk would make me angry. My D would be admitting that she’s been telling me that he’s been clean for 4 years, when clearly he’s not been…and probably isn’t clean now. And, possibly she isn’t either. </p>
<p>College or no college…I wouldn’t want to be paying for a wedding for users.</p>
<p>The fact remains that the OP’s daughter is a self-supporting adult. He can very carefully mention his concerns, but he can’t control whether she marries this guy, flaws and all. I think he is very wise to shut up and listen to her and be extremely careful about giving advice.</p>
<p>One thing I learned parenting my teen is that the very worst thing I can say is “I told you so!” The OP loves his daughter and in my very humble opinion, it’s really important to leave the door open, so that if she runs into trouble, she knows he’s there for her. If he pushes too hard, she won’t turn to him. (Been there/done that with my dad when I was young!)</p>
<p>Forget the drugs for a moment. Listen to what the daughter is saying, My fiance wants this, wants that Im extremely wary of a fiancé dictating to the girls parents how much money they should spend on a wedding. Whats next? The down payment for a house? So, no, Im not going to fund the wedding.</p>
<p>When I read OP’s original post, I thought to myself that I probably would have a discussion with my D to make sure she is happy and she is not getting pushed into a marriage she is not ready for, then I would give my D a check for the wedding.</p>
<p>Now after few additional information, especially the last one with police searching the house for drugs while the BF was on probation, I am concerned. I think if my D was in an abusive relationship, I would get her out of it no matter what. What OP’s D is in right now is probably just as dangerous. It is great that OP and his D are talking, but I don’t think he could afford to just listen and do nothing. I would ask D if having police and drug dealers coming by their house is the kind of environment she would want to raise kids.</p>
<p>I am not as concerned about the BF’s entitlement attitude. He could be satisfied with more money (if OP has it) or he’ll just be disappointed. But his drug habit and previous records should be very big concerns for OP. I don’t do it often with my kids, but there were few times when I have pulled, “Please trust me on this.” This is the time I would do it.</p>
<p>I say this a lot and while she doesn’t always follow my advice she does listen and will come and tell me when I was right. Example: you will have friends that start to experiment with drugs and alcohol and you’ll be surprised at the level it reaches in high school. She wasn’t even finished with 9th grade before she told me how right I was and how shocked at the level (a 9th grader smells weed and ciggys on a classmate). So don’t discount this, they are listening.</p>
<p>The original concern was the D not finishing school. The drug abuse on both the D and the fiance changes the picture. Now the OP is in a difficult place. On one hand, it is great that the D has opened up and told him, but if he acts on it, it may seem punitive to her, and this could drive her into silence again.
Dad is not in a position to have much control over what the D decides. The codependent/addiction relationship is very complicated. The only part the dad can control is how much he is willing to do and where to draw the line, but the solution isn’t easy or always clear.
I’ll keep my vote for the family being in recovery to help put the pieces together.</p>
<p>Update*
While I was happy with how our talk went and even the waiting piece for the marriage was a win win for me, but now it’s even better lol.</p>
<p>After our talk… my daughter and I hung out last week and she said “Dad, it’s like you planted a seed ever since we talked I can’t stop thinking about it!” </p>
<p>I joked and said “I’m not sure if that’s good or bad I better wait until you tell about this seed I planted lol!”</p>
<p>She said “It’s like now all I see is red flags, I see his neediness, immaturity, I’m paranoid he will use again, he touches me and I just see this little childish manipulative boy, and I’m not sure if I want to even be with him anymore!”</p>
<p>Low and behold a week later after lots of talks, more talks, etc etc she is back home, broke up with him, and taking 2 night classes.</p>
<p>Best thing since sliced bread I happier than a pig taking a mud bath!!</p>
<p>I agree with math mom. These are two different things. I’m sorry she dropped out and I understand this disappointed you. I would set a dollar amount for the wedding that you will give and not push school any further. If you are patient I think you will see her going back to college in a few years after being ‘under appreciated’ for her work and will want more. If you don’t push it will be easier in the long run to admit you were right. Some things are learned through life lessons. This appears to be going in that direction. I have seen some very headstrong kids go in this direction and then they realize the ‘job’ isn’t all that they thought it would be.</p>
<p>Congrats to you both. It’s great to hear she listened, and you deserve extra kudos for navigating through this dilemma and not only keeping your relationship together, but making it stronger.</p>