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<p>LOL, more like hit over the head with it by my sister. My sister has been married quite a few times, so she has had a lot of experience with attempting to bring a new family member into the fold. She started reading about adult children of alchoholics (which both of our parents were) and found that they tend to create insular family units of their own. I don’t know if what she read is valid, but it explains a lot with our parents and by extension, with us.</p>
<p>One thing I think we should be careful of is speculating about the sexuality of young people. I have been very turned off by parents speculated because this one was tough at sports (girl) or that one like to dance (boy) they were DEFINITELY gay.</p>
<p>Sexual orientation, personality, clothes chose, gender-identification are separate issues and vary so much from person to person. My S wouldn’t be caught dead in a pink shirt; my H likes them. Is one gay (no he isn’t), does one lack self-confidence? maybe, amy interpretations of the same data possible.</p>
<p>The boy who didn’t want to watch the Victoria’s Secret commericial might be shy, might not want an erection in front of other boys, might not think women should appear without clothes on television, might be a foodie, might be hungry, might be gay, so many possibilities.</p>
<p>I know that when my son was offered the lead in The Nutcracker (that’s anothr story how angry my D was that he got such an opportunity, and only because she danced) he turned it down. I said, “S, you’re not doing this just because you’re afraid of what your friends will say about you.” He said, “So, what’s your point?” Didn’t bother to defend it.</p>
<p>Until we don’t stereotype behavior all boys and girls are going to be restricted in their choices.</p>
<p>My S played the violin, and according to him, it was bad enough having to carry the violin around the HS. He did get one of the violinists as his girlfriend, but they started competing for first chair and there went the relationship.</p>
<p>And some people do decide later in life that they’ve been suppressing desires.</p>
<p>I think we should be careful to allow people to self define.</p>
<p>My D was always the kind of girl who felt better with guy friends. She had a hard time finding girlfriends. People were shocked (her friends and my generation, too) that she chose a women’s college. Her reasoning was that she didn’t want to go through life without women friends.</p>
<p>Ignorant kids did taunt her with gay slurs. I know she didn’t care about that, but some would.</p>
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<p>Now, that’s pretty funny. Although I do agree with avoiding stereotypes on such matters, it’s usually not limited to VS commercials. And just because you are a tom boy in no way points to sexual orientation. I liked hanging with the boys so much better than the girls AND I ended up at an all girls boarding school. I came to find out years and years later that there was a lot experimenting going on that I never once noted unless it was well known. Point being, I thought boys made for more forgiving friends. Once in an all girls environment without the distraction and competition of boys, I found girls to be deeper friends.</p>
<p>Missy… I will agree with your sister on the insular family.</p>
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<p>I agree. If this hadn’t been my own child and I knew exactly what was going on I would’t jump to conclusions.</p>
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<p>Agree with this too. The older I get the less clear I am that labels serve any purpose at all.</p>
<p>Interesting fact about Gertrude Stein and Alice B Toklas. I mean her comment regarding being fat and being able to eat cake. I thought Gertrude was very lucky coming from a very rich family and being able to live in Paris and be able to befriend all those writers and artists.</p>
<p>alh: Thanks for explaining, and I can see that it <em>would</em> be funny if it were your own child whom you knew more about.</p>
<p>I just got sick from hearing women gossiping about children’s sexuality based on VERY flimsy evidence.</p>
<p>This was especially prevalent in the dance world. Every boy immediately got labeled gay. I guess they haven’t considered Barishnikov. And that’s why my boy wouldn’t be the Nutcracker Prince, which I thought was sad because he was into acting and loved to perform. It certainly wasn’t a major life issue for him, but it could have been if mothers were gossiping about him.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I have taught women’s studies in the past, and I have gone to conferences and disappointed so many women that I wasn’t gay. I don’t have short hair or any external signals, just a women’s studies teacher. But I found their disappointment flattering, but not tempting. No problem there.</p>
<p>Lately, I teach intellectual history. I think everyone thinks I’m a nerd now.</p>
<p>Regarding the original topic of this thread, I definitely know I would not have a problem with it, but can’t say anything more since the person in question has not come out yet to both his parents. The thing though is, even though one is not homophobic, it still hits one in the gut when one hears about this for the first time. Especially the part about wanting grandchildren. You worry and obssess about it for a while, then accept it. But you do wonder about the fragility of life especially given how homophobic the rest of the world is. You then also worry about what this child has been through given who he is.</p>
<p>I remember reading about Tony Kushner’s (the playwright, Angels in America) parents hearing about him being gay. Especially his mom. He said she cried for a year. His father lately has reconciled to it and even says that given that his son is as famous as Tchaikovsky he did not care anymore that his son is gay.</p>
<p>Someone brought up women’s college, so I wanted to throw in a quick plug for any adults. </p>
<p>I’m going to Smith next year, and they ONLY thing people feel a need to say to me is “you know there are lesbians there, right?”. The tone is harsh and it normally comes from people who I care for deeply. Just the way you say certain things can make coming out super duper hard on kids…so just make sure environment truly is “open”</p>
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<p>I think that parents are naturally concerned about anything that has the potential to make their child’s life more difficult…they’re gay; they marry a person of a different race in a town that is not accepting of interracial couples; they lose some fingers in an accident; they fall in love with a woman who has eight kids…We want our kids to have a smooth life and we get concerned about any potential bumps in the road.</p>
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<p>Yes, but in places like Kenya and Uganda and other parts of the world, you could be killed for being gay! I realize everyone has problems, though and you are right, they could be straight and have lots of problems.</p>
<p>Well, as Jews, we’re used to being hunted down.</p>
<p>And women in other cultures are killed just for being women.</p>
<p>It’s human nature for parents to worry and dwell on negatives, but all life styles do bring difficulties.</p>
<p>For women, husbands are the greatest source of physical abuse, so a lesbian woman would avoid this (not that there isn’t abuse in the lesbian community but not to the same extent.)</p>
<p>And gay men represent the wealthiest demographic and one much advertising is slated to: DINKS: double income, no kids, and sometimes two very sizeable incomes.</p>
<p>I think as we continue to push for gay marriage (which I agree is a civil right’s issue) we will see less and less homophobia. I think our kids’ generation already feels differently than the generations that preceded it.</p>
<p>Historically, I think many men that I know have had more trouble accepting gay relationships than women, especially folks in their 60s & older. I think the current generation is not as judgmental about it. I know both my kids were OK that their friends were gay & continue to keep in touch with them. I think the reason D told us that her friend was gay is so that we wouldn’t worry about her going off on a trip with the male and think there was more to the friendship. They are very good buddies. 
She wanted us to understand that. S has not yet met her buddy, but her roommates have.</p>
<p>I’m posting before reading all the comments, so I apologize in advance if I’m interrupting a conversation.
I think everyone should go back and read post #34. Very good points there.</p>
<p>That said, I never new that the community on CC is such a liberal one (not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I would have thought that on a college forum like this one there would be a wide range of views). Everyone seems to believe that they’d be really open. </p>
<p>I’m hetero, but I could only imagine what my parents would do if I told them I was gay: They’d look at me in shock, and sit down and just start crying. And probably never stop. My mother’d say, “Where did we go wrong?” and my father wouldn’t want to show his pain–instead, he’d try not to look at me. Would they kick me out? I don’t know. I wouldn’t have the gall to ask them to continue to support me or put me through college. Coming out would mean a lot of preparation, and readiness to make a clean break from my family and lots of social ties. It would be difficult.</p>
<p>MathematicsMajor, your parents might surprise you.</p>
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<p>Yes, I am glad we live in the West. So glad. Yet, for people in my community (Southeast Asian) it still is a huge problem. It is an unspoken thing, so it is difficult for older people, people of my age (early 50s). I know there are gay children in our community, I still don’t hear older people talking much about them.</p>
<p>I do believe that generally the West is more accepting. My husband’s cousin & his partner have been very active in getting civil unions and marriages for gay people. My SIL (in her 70s) was initially shocked & upset at first when she learned he was gay but has accepted him & his partner & they have been good friends now for decades. The extended family all accepts and honors their relationship, which has endured all these decades.</p>
<p>It is indeed hard to know hypothetically how any of us would face any particular thing. I think most of us would be concerned about the barriers our kids would face in having a lifestyle that is yet another grounds for discrimination, at least I know that would be my concern. I am friendly with many gay couples that are very successful but know they do face obstacles of which many of us are blissfully unaware.</p>
<p>Indeed, my parents might surprise me. But I’ve seen their reactions to lesser “evils” that I’ve committed, and I wouldn’t want a repeat. They already worry that I’ve went over the edge, turned in to someone they’d rather not have raised. I haven’t exactly turned out the way they would have liked. So I’m glad I’m not gay- I don’t have to deal with it.</p>
<p>Life long New Yorker. I think New York has long surpassed San Francisco as the gayest city in the US. No one merits a comment on a NYC street. One of the wonderful things about NY. Upstate, not so sure, though Albany is trying to get something in favor of gay marriage in place.</p>
<p>I do think there are still regional differences. I knew a girl who lived with her mom and her mom’s female partner in the San Francisco area…no one batted an eye. Then the mom lost her job and got another one in small town Indiana…The girl had to get used to her parents being a bit of an oddity.</p>
<p>I’m also skipping to the end, but people posting to say they are accepting, are probably going to more likely to post.</p>