<p>I get that a lot about DD. I think I just mumble an embarrassed “Thank you.” But our family gets creeped out when a man DH’s age says that to him re DD.</p>
<p>I sort of get where you are coming from. In our family we value being well educated and intelligent, but downplay the fleeting (and out of your control) physical beauty. We never mention it, for similar reasons you state. Now don’t get me wrong, we are fit, and apparently pretty good looking bunch from what we gather, but we aren’t fashionistas nor care that much about how pretty we are.</p>
<p>Our kids get a lot of compliments on their good looks. Nothing we can do about it but say thanks. But, at least at this age, I highly, highly doubt they are about to build their self worth upon it. </p>
<p>It’s just a nice thing to hear…we all get a general kick to our self esteem when people say nice things about us, whatever they may be whether its,“you’re so pretty!” or “you are so funny!” or “thanks hon, you’re such a good friend.”</p>
<p>Our girls are 5 years apart. D1 was a very cute baby and always got compliments from people. When I was pregnant with D2, one thing I thought about was I hoped she turned out just as cute because I would have hate to one child who was always noticed for her looks, and not the other. As it turned out, D2 was a much cuter toddler (fat and happy), but D1 was so much older, she was just as happy her younger sister was getting noticed.</p>
<p>In a few cases i may say:
Yeah, she gets her looks from her dad but her brain came from me.</p>
<p>Those of us who apparently have comparatively ordinary-looking children do not have to struggle with the burden of people complimenting us on their looks. 
We DO have to deal with people gushing over someone else’s kid in front of us, with the obvious implication that our kid is chopped liver. </p>
<p>On the other hand, I was complimented on S’s intelligence by all sorts of people from a very early age. A modest “aren’t you sweet to say so” works well to thank them for their good intentions without agreeing, and it also has a dampening effect on further effusions.</p>
<p>What drives me crazy is people who extravagantly compliment one sibling in front of the rest, especially when the kids are small. I have a niece who was very striking in appearance as a child–people would exclaim “She looks just like a blonde Brook Shields!” Saying this to the parent privately is one thing. Saying it for the child–and her sisters–to hear is simply thoughtless. It’s not likely to have a salutory effect on the child OR her relationships.</p>
<p>As someone who was pretty growing up, and whose mother tried to steer the focus to brains for precisely these reasons, I think it’s an effort like whipping a goat to eat a whale. Not the place to fight the feminist battle. After all, what we want is for women’s physical attractiveness to help them in their success just as much as men’s attractiveness helps them. We can’t make caring about physical attractiveness go away, it’s biological. So the real effort has to be in a) leveling the playing field between the genders b) reminding people gradually that it’s not OK take biased actions towards others for any reason.</p>
<p>Well, looks like it has come full circle on CC – that stronghold of all things intellectual! Can it be that something as harmless and welcoming as a compliment on a child’s looks garners this kind of ‘concern’? – Only here on CC!!</p>
<p>For those who think that ‘looks’ are only important ‘these days’ I have a news flash for you: Looks have ALWAYS been important. The physical image is the first thing we notice about a person and the basis on which we tend to categorize them – subconsciously or not – however much we downplay that very instinctual tendency. One can see the effects of this process in personal interaction of all kinds, however subtle they may be. For us to pretend otherwise is nonsense.</p>
<p>Certainly, the thoughful person will at some point (after regaining his or her equilibrium following an encounter with a ‘looker’) will get beneath the surface to discover what other qualities are present. But, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with admitting that looks count and are for the most part “front and center”. It is natural. It happens with the other animals too.</p>
<p>For those who think that “downplaying” good looks or ignoring them in favor of emphasis on other ‘more worthy’, ‘less fleeting’ qualities, they should remember that being unrecognized for one’s beauty may hurt as much as being unrecognized for lack of it. </p>
<p>As far as feeling ‘creepy’, if an older man compliments the beauty of a girl, it is uneccesarily unfair to older men (and to older women, who are not immune to the beauty of boys). Why? because it doesn’t mean anything improper (most of the time). It means that beauty is appreciated at any age – thank God! If it weren’t do you suppose that art museums, gardens and wonderful, natural places on earth would be as popular as they are with the ‘senior set’? If anything, older people appreciate beauty much more than the young do. In youth, for example, they see the essence of timelessness, which is a very comforting and reassuring thing – to know that life has that constant regeneration. That alone (youth’s timeless quality) is something that is appreciated only in the later years. The young don’t usually see it themselves, as they are a part of it.</p>
<p>My favorite response to when someone tells me that my daughter is beautiful is: “Thank you, she takes after her mother”. That always brings a smile to their face.</p>
<p>I don’t think you need to say anything but " thank you- we think so too"
I have two daughters, one is cute as a button & has been ever since she was little. Sparkly personality to go with her sparkly clothes.
My youngest was more androgynous, she always hacked on her hair, wore boys shorts & a tank top for a whole year in grade school and didn’t wear dresses till she was in high school.( and scowled to anyone who wasn’t one of her friends) My mother in law, ( who didn’t like my mother) said that D2 looked like me/my mother. I can see the resemblance , but it is ironic that she now is a knock out. ( she smiles more now too- but not much) When I take her shopping the clerks think she is a model and suggest she look into that. She just rolls her eyes & I laugh at the thought of a photographer trying to get her to pose. ( she wouldn’t stand still, let alone let anyone touch her hair)
I think both my kids are beautiful, but I also admit I think most anyone who is young is. Aren’t they?</p>
<p>Believe me, it’s a lot nicer than people asking you why your kid is so ugly. Has happened to my parents my entire life. Just count your blessings and be glad your kid doesn’t spend life being abused and spat at in the street.</p>
<p>I do admit it can be annoying- my mother was very fixated on looks & went on about how beautiful D was ( especially in comparison to some of her other grandchildren).
It was irritating, because #1- It made D uncomfortable to hear it & #2- I didn’t want her to think that how she looked was the most important thing about her.</p>
<p>people mean well- I am assuming, when they make superficial comments, but it takes wisdom to put them in perspective.</p>
<p>Time has come for CC to build a link with Picasa and replace the “What are my chances?” with “How do I look?” </p>
<p>I would have said a link to Facebook, but we all know how using pictures turned out for Zuckerberg in his Harvard days.</p>
<p>Planestate, when people have told me my D is beautiful I usually say, “Thank you, that’s nice of you to say.” </p>
<p>Julia Roberts was asked early in her career if she minded be known as Julia “Pretty Woman” Roberts. She replied that there were a lot worse things people could call her than pretty! </p>
<p>Certainly being pretty isn’t a hardship, but it can be a two-edged sword. My daughter got so tired of not being taken seriously that she died her normally-blonde hair brunette her senior year in hs. When she played her sport at away games, guys from the other school would often call out her number and try to get her attention - which really irritated some of the other girls on the team, even though D always ignored the guys. And once she was working on a school project with a girl who was new to her school, and after a couple of days the other girl said to her in a surprised voice, “You’re really nice.” D said, “ummm… thanks?” The girl said, “Well I just figured you’d be a b*tch.” </p>
<p>On the other hand, I’m sure her looks have opened many more doors for her than they have closed.</p>
<p>I am reminded of this classic Twilight Zone:
“The Eye of the Beholder”
[You</a> Are So Beautiful in the Eye of the Beholder - YouTube](<a href=“You Are So Beautiful in the Eye of the Beholder - YouTube”>You Are So Beautiful in the Eye of the Beholder - YouTube)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>While I agree with your general argument about “appearance”, the value of ‘beauty’ varies tremendously by the context and the world in which you live and work. In my line of work, as an academic and scientist, it wouldn’t help me at all to look like a model. Trust me on this. Some of us actually exist in environments where we are valued on something substantial, and not on the superficial. </p>
<p>And yes, not only is it fleeting, and unrelated to anything we can be responsible for (luck of good genes), it IS less worthy that other attributes such as say intelligence, hard work, good character…because it doesn’t really add any extra value to the world. </p>
<p>Intelligence, hard work, good character- at least have the potential to benefit mankind beyond their immediate existence…they reflect the <em>potential</em> to produce inventions, saves lives, solve mysteries, resolve conflict, and make the world a better place. Pretty is just…well, pretty.</p>
<p>" ‘D’ has become a beautiful woman" - Don’t assume that is just a comment on your D’s physical beauty. They may very well mean the whole package that you know and love.</p>
<p>That was an interesting Twilight Zone episode. Never heard of or saw it before, but it makes sense.</p>
<p>Sometimes STUNNING good looks can undermine credibility for women, but looking reasonably/passably attractive is generally regarding as a positive for males & females; compliments are generally given in this light. Being able to handle comments by people and them them in stride without attaching undue importance to them is an important life skill for all people, as they are likely to continue to occur.</p>
<p>DD is attractive, but not drop dead intimidatingly gorgeous. This means that aggressive guys feel free to hit on her. Not the best to be a small, cute Asian girl with longish thick hair. It happens mostly walking to & from city bus stops and esp. when she is riding certain bus lines. Sometimes it is a group of guys. This is all during the day. So far, she has been able to duck into stores and restaurants when she has been frightened. Of course, she never rides the bus at night and does not ride in bad parts of town. Unfortunately, she does not yet have her driver’s license and would not necessarily have a car at her disposal.</p>
<p>In my years I have learned that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. For everyone who thinks you or your progeny is gorgeous, there will be several others who don’t notice. In that spirit, I always say “thank you” and move on to more interesting topics.</p>
<p>As long as it does not get into their heads, such comments are generally harmless. And, as long as the children (boys or girls) know how to take care of themselves to make sure they present themselves in their best possible way (physically, emotionally, professionally, etc) then the more power to them.</p>
<p>From what I have seen from my own daughters, good looks (along with the ability, skills, and knowledge to actually look good - clothing, situation and age appropriate makeup :-), public poise) do wonders to improve self confidence…</p>