<p>Just a different perspective, but as a woman in my mid-twenties who is often called attractive, I feel irritated when people comment/compliment my looks. I appreciate that with some people it comes from a place of niceness, but I just don’t like it, and in my personal view, my looks are irrelevant. When I was younger, I think I would have definitely appreciated a parent who was concerned with those comments too.</p>
<p>Let me point out that by “beauty” I am referring not to ‘prettiness’, that, to me, is like the difference between ‘intelligent’ and ‘smart’ .</p>
<p>Beauty is inclusive of all the powers one has, including poise, grace, posture, social skills, intelligence and soul. Prettiness excludes much of that and prizes purely physical attributes as the most worthy, thereby rendering it shallow and quickly boring. As they say, “the eyes are window to the soul”. The trouble with ‘pretty eyes’ is that they have the shades drawn, while beautiful ones invite a lingering gaze.</p>
<p>So, yes, I most definitely agree that while beauty has an element of physical attractiveness, that attractiveness is really the result of the other intangibles. Prettiness has many fewer factors working for it, resulting in a not very interesting end-result. </p>
<p>I would alter the well worn phrase to this: ‘Prettiness is skin deep.’</p>
<p>I think a simple “thank you” should do just fine!
Why overthink a compliment?</p>
<p>@Cupcake (post #50) Ouch! So sorry you have suffered over this.</p>
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<p>So, so true.</p>
<p>Cupcake: I am so sorry. But, where were your parents in this? If anyone spat on my child or offered unsolicited criticism of my kid’s appearance (beyond their control, i.e. polka dots, checks and stripes in one outfit…which I would have found amusing), they wouldn’t be spitting for long. After my inquiring why they had done what they did…other than a mistake, with full apology to my child…They would be drinking their meals through a straw…for months.</p>
<p>Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is a science to what makes someone physically attractive but I still find the most beautiful people are those that I genuinely like and respect. Of course that takes getting to know someone but I am rarely impressed with the appearance of strangers other than the very brief internal message that they have eye appeal. My kids all happen to be physically good looking but that was never something we paid much attention to when they were growing up probably because I remember a girl I grew up with who was beautiful and also very smart. Her parents always made her believe her looks were everything to her. She was entered in beauty pagents since she was 5 years old and won several of them. She never went to college and she eventually married a man almost 30 years her senior who “took care of her.” That always left a sour taste in my mouth regarding sexualizing woman or paying too much attention to physical beauty.</p>
<p>My daughter is a very pretty, but not breath-takingly gorgeous young lady. However, she is blessed with a beautiful singing voice, which she inherited from her father’s side of the family. When she was in middle and HS, she sang in many school productions, as well as in local community theater productions and for several years, she sang the National Anthem at some public functions so many people knew who she was. Like beauty, musical ability is something that one is born with so I do liken being complimented on her singing to the OP’s being complimented on her daughter’s looks. When people compliment me about her, I just say thank you.</p>
<p>In the looks department, it’s my 15 year old son who I get the comments about. Usually, I just say Thank you but when people add that he looks just his dad, I usually smile and say, yes, I was just the incubator.</p>
<p>I also should add that I grew up with a younger sister who was stunningly gorgeous. In my best days and light, I am what would be called “cute.” I’m not gorgeous but I’m not a two bagger.</p>
<p>When I was about 10, I overheard my mother’s aunt telling her that my sister was so beautiful that she would never have to worry about her finding a husband and that she shouldn’t worry about me because I was so smart that I would obviously be able to support myself. My mother, who NEVER spoke back to her elders, just looked at my aunt and said “BOTH of my daughters are beautiful and both of my daughters are smart. How could they be otherwise with YOU as their great-aunt?” I think I actually saw shame on my great-aunt’s face. </p>
<p>Other people expressed similar opinions. All my life, I have never been secure in my looks, even though I married a guy who looked like Brad Pitt but with better legs and less stubble. My sister suffered as well, she barely got out of HS, married and divorced young and only once and barely supports herself. She always considered herself dumb when in reality she is at least as smart as me and perhaps even more - she never applied herself.</p>
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<p>Oh, the tragedy of being a beautiful young woman! What a heavy burden you’ve had to bear. Is there a support group you could join to help you get through this long and difficult ordeal?</p>
<p>^Well, that’s unnecessarily nasty. Our society is over-concerned with appearance, just look at all the extremes people go to to change their appearance, from hair dye to makeup to surgery. I have known people that seem only able to compliment children on their looks, never their accomplishments. I might say that is a beautiful dress, but do not say you are beautiful, and don’t like it when it is said too often to my kids either. To me it is a sign that the complimenter is superficial.</p>
<p>I was enjoying everyones perspective until I reached #70. Perhaps a few more examples of beauty as curse will instill a modicum of insight. </p>
<p>My mother was valedictorian of her large high school and went on to earn a degree in math at Berkeley. She was also blessed with stunning beauty (skips a generation). She married at 20 and didnt work for another 20 years, at which point she was hired by the IRS and rose quickly through the ranks. She has only recently begun to tell us stories of the relentless harassment she faced as a student; from employers, professors, other students and strangers. Perhaps if she had been more assertive and more confident she would have dealt with these scum appropriately, but she was from a family that barely survived the depression and arrived on campus completely naïve. </p>
<p>Clearly the many anti-harassment laws that have been enacted over the years have made a significant difference in the campus experience for women. However laws only provide a tool to mitigate bad behavior, they dont change bad thoughts. Some years ago I went to lunch with a group of fellow scientists, all of whom were men. The guest of honor, a 50 year old National Academy member, proceeded to espouse the physical attributes of a woman scientist who had given a talk at the conference that morning. He had the decency to look embarrassed when he remembered I was there, and others abruptly changed the subject to bail him out. Did he respect the woman as a scientist? Perhaps, but that wasnt his first impression of her.</p>
<p>Is it navel gazing to wonder if my daughter will be harassed and her opinions trivialized because of the way she looks? I dont think so.</p>
<p>There is sort of a “support” group: it’s called acting/modeling whatever. I happen to have two daughters who are considered beautiful. One has the personality to act and model. For a while that is what she chose to do. And she booked. </p>
<p>And she made some money doing it. Both girls are aware that they are beautiful, but aren’t ruled by it.</p>
<p>Other than that we (h and I) that we travel with the girls. Oh, the bonuses we get! The taxis that pull up in New York in the rain…the surly French waiters who become friendly…and the “extra” scoop of gelato that happens to fall on the cone. That’s a nice bonus.</p>
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I always say the opposite, but it’s pretty obviously not true.</p>
<p>But what what I really want to know is this: what does “whipping a goat to eat a whale” mean?</p>
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<p>Try living as a woman who is NOT considered “attractive” and experiencing the scorn and rudeness and general unpleasantness that that entails. “Unattractive” women are routinely treated in a way that questions their right to exist. They certainly are expected to accept their inherent inferiority. This is like being asked to feel sorry for the WalMart heirs because they are rich.</p>
<p>Hunt - um, trying to get a small thing to affect a big thing? Getting all lathered up without effect? I dunno, I just made it up. Consolation - I think the “pretty” thing causes harm all around. So sorry if you are describing your own experience, or that of someone you’re close to. Cruelty is dreadful.</p>
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<p>I couldn’t agree more with this. If you are too beautiful, well cry me a river. You do not have to live with the fact that as an ugly woman, you are totally worthless to the whole of society, no matter what your achievements in any other area. I have to live with this every single day, and the constant abuse from both strangers and sometimes friends and family as well.</p>
<p>I have met very few well groomed, smart women who are ugly.</p>
<p>It maybe shallow, but when a woman has a clear complexion, good haircut, well fitted clothing, it makes all the difference in the world. If you take that and pair it with a great personality, then it’s hard for people not to like you.</p>
<p>Don’t underestimate the importance of inner beauty. I have seen positive and optimistic attitudes make outwardly unattractive people attractive as well as negative and sour attitudes make attractive people unattractive.</p>
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<p>Exactly my point. Complaining about the awful burdens of being beautiful is like complaining about being rich. If you think being beautiful (or rich) is such an ordeal, try being ugly (or poor) for a while.</p>