No one in our family married anyone with kids or major scars, even though we mostly married later. My H was over 40 when we met and later married and I was in my late 20s.
Yes, the chances of more life experiences, good AND bad goes up as folks age, but also you have a clearer idea of who YOU are and what’s important to you. When you’re a pleaser and cameleon, as many females are, it’s important to figure this out to minimize regrets.
The women I know seemed to value getting married more highly than the men I know, and generally valued it most if they were interested in having children or conscious about getting older. Men had far more options to delay that issue if they wished and often did. The last time I checked, the divorce rates were flat after age at marriage reached 25. Marriages before then had higher divorce rates, but then it flattens, ironically, until about age 40, when it rises again. Perhaps it is harder to adjust to the demands of marriage after 40. My friends thought the hardest time to be single was in their 40s. Afterwards there were enough widows and divorces that it didn’t seem unusual anymore.
This forum is of course likely to be skewed toward those who probably did end up marrying and having children, so I would expect a lot of “success” stories. My single and childless friends don’t know that college confidential exists. Maybe a good thing.
Very good point @roycroftmom .
Having a future spouse with baggage isn’t limited to those over the age of 25 or so. I’ve known plenty of folks in my old NYC neighborhood and my rural college town area who had far more than their share of baggage and messy divorces BEFORE some were even 23.
My Mississippi relatives know of plenty more divorced neighbors from bad marriages…some of whom divorced before 21.
On the flipside, all family members…including those of my generation who married at 30-40+ have been in happy sustained marriages for a decade or two. Only exceptions who married younger(mid-20s) both ended up divorcing. One frankly wasn’t ready for marriage in his mid-20s and the other found her first H to be a horrid jerk.
Both found second marriages to be the charm. Former married in his 50s and now has been married for 5 years…and the latter remarried in her mid 30s and now has been happily married for 2 decades with 3 kids…one of whom is going to start college in a year.
Anecdotes aren’t data, @ Cobrat. Obviously one can have baggage at any age, but it is statistically more likely the older one gets. Hoping for a more successful second marriage doesn’t seem like a particular intelligent plan (second marriages actually have higher rates of divorce, notwithstanding your family experience).
This is a really interesting thread. One of the things it really points out to me is just how little control we have as parents on so many factors of our children’s lives (from the point of conception really), and especially so once they are adults. Many of our hopes and dreams for them may come true and many may not. Life is kind of messy that way.
We tease ourselves that we have ANY control over when our kids fall in love and whether we have any control over their romantic lives. I honestly don’t think I do, but perhaps others may have such control over their loved ones.
This is such a great thread, thanks @Lindagaf . Even though it is lighthearted, it is zeroing in on dynamics that concern me as university faculty. I see a lot of loneliness on campus. Coursework and friends can keep a young person busy and fulfilled, but I know from experience that so many of these students yearn for romantic love. Many students have expressed regret growing up in an era of Tinder and “talking” (“talking” is even more casual than hooking up – it strikes me as so disconnected and ultimately fearful). They want connection and understanding and sweetness and light. They aren’t getting it (some are, but not enough).
I think love and connection has taken a collateral hit because of fear – students are afraid of not making it in this economy and therefore forge anxiety-driven college careers with a job upon graduation as the dominant focus.
Fear is a powerful engine on my campus. Students are exhausted and, yes, robotic. Not all, but wow, the ambient culture is so different from even a decade ago.
We are also at a perilous impasse about sex, gender, sexual conduct and relationships. New social rules are being written but we are all over the place on that front. Sexual misconduct is real and terrifying on campus and we are not doing enough to keep young people safe. We need to inculcate mutual respect and communication much, much earlier. I am a believer in high school dating for this reason. I encouraged my son to date early. I talked to him a lot about respect and communication. He dated many girls throughout high school and remains friends with all of his exes.
I could write a tome about college relationships, but then I will have written a tome. Suffice it to say that there is a basic mistrust among young people. Here’s a huge, thorny generalization that I still think is worth making, based on my two-decades view of campus culture: young men are afraid to approach women, in part because young women are deeply skeptical and nervous about young men. There is still some strange taboo against women pursuing men – again, plenty do, but they are still the minority.
There is a certain amount of disdain, even contempt, in certain segments of the female population. This could be partly a holdover from high school, when girls are maturing faster and are impatient for boys to catch up, etc. The girls who were cordoned off from boys in high school by parents (either actively or passively) in particular seem to have a harder time bridging that gap when in college. But I also think it is becoming consolidated into a certain generational brittleness that I find worrying. Flintiness will keep you lonely. It can also be the sign of a closed mind, which leads to a closed heart. Sexism cuts both ways and I encourage parents to have their children see boys as inherently loving and lovable.
Time will prove the best remedy. I do think many of the unhappily single women and men will find partners in their 20s and 30s if that is what they want. But I think something is broken in young relationships. I suspect we will joke less about matchmaking and see more actual matchmaking in the future. I find that sad. We are fear-based when we could be much more love- and joy-based.
@binky17 What you write is sad, because I recognize the many truths within. It’s also a brilliant and cogently written analysis. Kudos for that.
Kind of you to say so, @mamaedefamilia thank you. I wanted to keep it shortish, so apologies, all, if it is a bit overdetermined and heteronormative. The thread is hetero-oriented so I didn’t want to go off topic.
@binky17 . . . I, too, thought that was a brilliant post. Thank you! You captured so cogently something I thought I noticed myself, but I never know if I’m turning into an ‘old fogey’ or what.
I’m still not sure about dating in high school (and am generally against it) but your point is well taken.
I still say social media and cell phones have played a huge role in this dynamic. Kids are not learning how to communicate because they’ve grown up on Snapchat and Twitter.
Oh, blinky17, I agree. Not enough romantic love or romantic risk taking. Sure, sometimes you get hurt/rejected and sure pining over someone takes time away from studying, but it is part of being human (and being young).
I am lucky in that regard with my kids, both boys. They have had girlfriends. The younger one has his first real love. I enjoy watching them. The newness and the intensity of the feelings! I can remember how it was, but it seems so long ago to me. Son’s relationship may not last and I know there will be a big heartache if it doesn’t, but that is part of it.
I am sorry that girls don’t feel free to pursue boys. In the old days that was true, but I remember we had subtle ways of doing it anyway. With different means of communication and changing modes of correct behavior, maybe kids don’t know how to flirt any more.
Very interesting thoughts @binky17. I do think my last son, who ran with a crowd and had lots of male/female interaction during high school…both good and bad feels more entrenched and grounded in the college relationship scene than some. But honestly there is something really wrong when young men say “stay away from the crazies and you’ll be fine.” which if you are around young males you will hear many times and in different iterations. That is a sad indictment on our young people and sad that men seems to think there are “crazies” out there that have to be weeded through…but then again I have read post after post after post of young people and even parents disparaging young males so if men get that vibe from the opposite sex an parents the outcome is going to be to stay away - I think you have a point @binky17 but I’m not so sure about match-making…
It’s interesting to hear the different thoughts and experiences out there but my own observations are very different. Regarding my own young adult kids, nieces and nephews, and their friends, I feel I’ve heard and witnessed A LOT from the current generation going through this stage and my own observations don’t really mirror what @binky17 has described. Plenty of friendships and romance going on, no hesitations or fears, females initiating as well as males. Yes, some do use “dating” apps and I agree with @partyof5 that texting and such instead of talking face to face can get in the way. But, things seem pretty normal to me. Plenty of healthy, normal interaction going on among these young adults. They do tend to be very active, doer types (but a mix of extrovert/introvert and in between) so maybe being “out and about” help facilitate more interaction.
Thanks @SouthFloridaMom9 and @partyof5 I agree, technology is part of the trouble. @momofthreeboys the “stay away from the crazies” mindset is new to me (although probably related to the notion that women are hysterical, labile, etc, yes?) I do think the millenial generation is much more aware of this ancient and tired stigma. Mental health awareness is growing – my son is more mindful of his language about mental illness than I have been in the past, frankly.
The good news today: the boys of Exeter wore skirts today to protest their draconian, pre-global warming dress code (boys aren’t allowed to wear shorts in hot weather). Boys and girls all marched together, chanting for the cause.
As for the cats along the parade route – my legerdemain to return to OP’s theme – they proved indifferent, as it should be.
@doschicos my son is definitely like the kids you are describing: extroverted and a doer, as you say. He is affectionate with friends and girlfriends alike – and into the joys of romance. I did encourage dating (actual dates, where kids learn how to interact a bit more formally at a young age) and an active social life generally. I don’t think he will have the hangups I see on campus. Again, not everybody is paralysed in this way – I have plenty of fun-loving, affable students. But I do see a shift away from a more genial atmosphere to an inhibited, anxious social scene.
Nice points @binky17 , but there doesn’t seem to be a shortage of babies in the world. My guess is that sooner or later, biology will win out over inhibitions. 
But are the babies coming from the educated?