<p>Send him a box of cookeis or something. That usually prompts a thank you call :)</p>
<p>The thing about this thread that amazes me is the number of people who are fluent in “Myers-Briggs speak.” I think my view of Myers-Briggs as corporate voodoo is in the minority.</p>
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<p>cartera there is a reason you view this as “voodoo” (and I doubt very much that you are in the minority) - you clearly are NOT an IN–! Speaking as as an INTP, I found the discovery of Myers Briggs back in my early 20s to be quite an eye-opener that definitely helped me to better navigate through my early years in the workplace - and to better deal with a child with Aspergers!</p>
<p>To the OP: there IS hope although it may take a few more years! I remember DS coming home for Thanksgiving during his third yr in college (with a girlfriend in tow no less, they have since split up but are still good friends). During their visit, all I kept thinking was: “Who are you and where is my son??!!” In a good way. :)</p>
<p>I have wanted to post my concerns re: my “remote son” for some time and was afraid of what I might hear. But I feel very affirmed and reassured by all these comments. I hear my voice in most of these posts. There are alot of us out there.</p>
<p>I was waiting for the asperger’s thread to pop up at some point. I have been a public school teacher for over 25 years and have worked with lots of “aspies.” We took DS 1 to a psychologist in grade school to discuss his “empathy issues.” No one has brought up his being anywhere on the spectrum. I really see it as a personality issue.</p>
<p>Now I’m determining to take the “issue” part out of my mindset and focus on DS 1’s MANY wonderful qualities.</p>
<p>I have 2 sons like this .It could be a response to my personality . I am very sunny social and extroverted . I once went to a parenting workshop ,and they discussed how it can be very hard to raise a child that is not the same personality type as you are . If your child were very social and YOU were the introvert it would be difficult also . I always call these 2 sons and tell them I miss them . I send small gifts ,a favorite food or a comic that makes me think of them . I just received an e-mail from one with a funny baby photo . It is hard ,but you can gently push a bit for further contact . Good luck .</p>
<p>I would agree with all the continuum folks. As long as you’re not talking about no empathy = sociopath there is a whole range of normal on the scale. I didn’t pipe up before because my son is the opposite - I have referred to him as “heart on sleeve boy” . He feels everything intensely and it can be a rollercoaster. He was like this as a toddler and still is at 15. Sister is maybe not as detatched as your son, but definitely quite a ways on the other side of center from her brother. She is the one who we think could be a brain surgeon because she is unflappable and a bit detatched from the intensity of personal “drama” and feeling with everyone all the time. Heart on sleeve boy sounds like your son - at the outer quarter of a normal spectrum of feeling but just on opposite edges.</p>
<p>One more note:
When DD - my more detatched child - went to preschool the teachers were concerned becuase she didn’t seem to be mixing or bubbly. They didn’t think she was having a good time. She would come out and tell me all the great things they did and songs they sung, but based on the teacher’s perceptions she didn’t seem to be engaging. She was participating in her own mind, but not outwardly how people expected. DS - heart on sleeve boy - who was social and overtly fun loving clung to my leg wailing, “I don’t want to go to the leaving school!” He was so in tune with who was around him and how they felt about him that being in a new and uncertain group rattled him. He almost felt the relationships too much. It got worse rather than better and we finally had to pull him out and try again the next year.
As they have gotten older DS tells everyone everything about activities, feelings, plans, goals, etc. With DD I have to catch her just at the right moment in the right mood. They are just different and I have to adjust a bit with each to maneuver through life with them. . . And there is a down side to expressing all your feelings all the time.</p>
<p>I find it selfish for him to not even text and say doing great mom xoxo</p>
<p>We all as adults have to deal withnsituations we may not be comfortable with. It’s part of being human. 19 is plenty old enough to see that he can be kinder to his mom. It’s kind of bratty in my opinion to not care how mom is feeling. I have know may people who fall into the different myers brigs category and they still see that others have needs. </p>
<p>Your son is using alloofness as power and it’s not an attractive quality. </p>
<p>I remember once my daughter was too busy to just text back she got something i sent. Next time she texted I ignored her for one day. She was really worried!!! </p>
<p>I understand busy and not being phone chatters, but to not just text back and say hey mom, hows the dog?? Is cold here!!</p>
<p>That’s just mean.</p>
<p>“Your son is using alloofness as power and it’s not an attractive quality.”</p>
<p>Seahorses - I wouldn’t advise the OP to beg trouble by making her son’s behavior into a personal slight and a power struggle. She has nothing to gain by that except hurt feelings, which will only exacerbate the situation. She’d be creating drama where none was called for, with which her son would most likely not engage, so how does that help the OP? I think she’s gotten some good advice to just sit tight and wait till he comes around. And I do agree with you that it wouldn’t hurt to gently remind him that it’s good manners to occasionally reply to a text message.</p>
<p>I didn’t say to do anything, just maybe see his aloofnes and self centeredness in a different light. </p>
<p>She can say, you know it hurts my feelings when you don’t respond. Us mom types can’t help but worry and just getting a text from you once a week that all is well is something you can do for me. Jeesh, she did so mich for him for 19 years and he can’t text back.</p>
<p>And I am not saying yell a him, or be mean, but there is no harm in saying I need to here from you. Period. My husband goes away and he checks in. The son is making this a power struggle by not caring how his mom feels. That’s cold. Again she can bide her time, doesn’t make his behavior somehow okay. </p>
<p>I don’t get it. How mich does it take for him to say xoxo mom!!! Again, she doesn’t have to blame him, just say, for me, can you for me, just text me once in awhile letting me know all is okay. It’s for me, not for you…I am sure you are doing great, but I had you around for such a long time, it’s good to hear you are doing well</p>
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<p>OP–I agree with screener22. I’d suggest not engaging in intentional hurtful conduct to “show” your S how it feels. Mean is mean, even if it is intended as pay-back. And, it can escalate or it can provide the student with a rationalization–“see, mom does not always text back quickly, so why is it a big deal when I don’t?”</p>
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<p>Agreed. If anything, exhibiting behavior which even bears a hint of this tends to drive INTJs/ENTJs further away as that can be perceived as possible manifestations of overly emotional clinglyness/drama on part of the other party that NT’s dislike at best and will have them running for the hills at the worst. This not only applies to parental-child relationships…but also in finding compatible SOs/spouses. </p>
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<p>To many adolescent/young adult males trying to get out from their parents’ wings and try to establish themselves as strong independent men trying out their wings…the above tends to be regarded as a strong manifestation mom still sees them as little babies, toddlers, or 5-6 year old boys to be subjected to overly mushy displays of affection. Not only could this be perceived by such males as a sign that their moms aren’t seeing/willing to treat them like the soon-to-be/actual adult men, but also possible fears that if word gets out to their peers…they’d be picked on for being “mama’s boys”. </p>
<p>A fear that unfortunately…isn’t imagined based on what I’ve witnessed in many mainstream high school/college campuses…especially ones with big Div 1 sports teams/jock cultures. On the other hand…no one would have given two figs about this at my progressive left-leaning LAC. </p>
<p>To a young INTJ/ENTJ whose NT inclinations prefer rationality/logic rather than heavy emotionalism…this could just add to the above difficulties they have to contend with from 13 till 22+.</p>
<p>One thing I have learned not to do is engage in guilt and drama. For one thing, it doesn’t work with kids like this- they honestly don’t get it. And for another, it reinforces their belief that emotions are way overrated.</p>
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<p>Agreed. However, I wouldn’t say that they don’t get it so much as some of them view guilt and drama as manipulative and thus, to be tuned out or otherwise not be rewarded on principle.</p>
<p>Seahorsesrock terrifies me. She/He is seeing things through her own filter and isn’t aware that other, very valid, ways exist to perceive things. </p>
<p>For instance, the intelligent, reserved sort (whatever alphabet soup you name it) might think “My goodness. What a manipulative, needy personality to have to have every action validated immediately. Get me far away from her!” </p>
<p>My trio (hubby, two sons) resist anything that smacks of “trained seal” behavior. Sure, we went through the “Say Thank you to the nice lady for giving you a cookie” at the bakery routine – but very often their inner clock is working on a different schedule. They notice what I have done – and will comment — eventually — out of the blue I might get a hug and a “you’re awesome” that is priceless – but if I demand “you need to say “thank you” right away” they would think me a micro manager who lacked confidence in their ability to assess.</p>
<p>I agree completely, Olymom. My son had many run-ins with his grandmother years ago over what she perceived to be a lack of manners. Once, we were all staying at a hotel together and he happened to see her in the hallway before breakfast - he said “good morning” to her. About an hour later, we were all at the hotel restaurant having breakfast and she sat down - everyone else said “good morning,” but he didn’t feel that it was necessary because he had already said it - she turned it into a huge slight, demanding that he say it to her. He became even more entrenched, completely refusing to speak to her. Anyway, it turned into an awful scene that has been repeated in various manifestations over the years. She just couldn’t understand his perspective, and yes, I put the burden on her because he was eight and she was 68. She preferred her fawning grandchildren - who she thought were “better trained” to be respectful. My S thought they were fake and he did not want to participate in such things. She actually told me that it was a “parenting issue.” He’s matured and he now makes an effort to please her, but it was unnecessarily painful. All children need patience, understanding and acceptance. It’s so important to understand and work within the framework of that particular child’s perspective in order to help them grow.</p>
<p>My S is a HS junior and has been in France for the past 13 days on a school trip. We received a phone call on the phone tree the day they arrived in Paris. No other communication until 5 days later when we received a text from S…leaving Paris and heading south. 2 days later another text…everything going well,love the food. Nothing since.</p>
<p>I’m guessing he only sent us a text when reminded to do so by his teacher. </p>
<p>He loves us. He knows we love him. That is all we really need to know and I am fine without the daily updates. I know that type of thing is just not in his nature.</p>
<p>There has to be some acceptable amount of communication that is to be expected from everyone.</p>
<p>By the time kids are 10 they should know how/when and how often to respond to others.</p>
<p>Even if little Johnny doesn’t like to talk it is advisable that Johnny say a few things in order not to be rude. If not, the parent is doing him a disservice in letting him believe the world revolves around him.</p>
<p>If it hurts your mothers feelings because you wont talk to her once a week you damn well better learn to pick up the phone and talk to her. It is the right thing to do.</p>
<p>Not learning to at least give the miimum communication will put any person in danger of not having friends, cooperative co workers and relatives that want him around at Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>There are no excuses. Teach your kid to do the right thing and not be so ego centric.</p>
<p>There is a difference between manners (behavior) and personality. Manners can be taught, learned and should be expected. Seems there is a lot of bad behavior being excused based on “boys being boys”, nature, and the Jungian alphabet soup.</p>
<p>I agree that social interaction can/should to a degree be viewed through the perspective of a child, especially when they’re developing social awareness and esp with some personality types. </p>
<p>BUT. I agree with those that feel that a certain modicum of the social niceties should be expected in a young adult, a bright young man. An eight year old is one thing. An 18 year old is altogether another thing. It might be harder for him than some other naturally outgoing people. But we should not expect or accept less from him just because it’s not his nature. Learning those skills (saying hello to grandma, not always being Devil’s advocate, etc etc) is something that will help him in the future (in careers, in love, with his kids), NOT something that’s going to squelch his persona or ruin his self esteem. Please! You can see his uniqueness but still not baby him. Teach him the skills, it’s a learned thing like anything else. It will benefit HIM in the end. Really.</p>