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Why do some people assume that the only legitimate reason to go to boarding school is to get away from a bad situation? My kids went to be in an atmosphere where they were intellectually challenged and socially enriched. Their home life was good before and is good now. The positives they’ve gotten from BS far outweigh any negatives.</p>
<p>I agree with GMTPlus7 as well. I’ve heard many people say the same kinds of things “Why did you even have kids if…” about my choice to work outside the home. Suggesting that someone shouldn’t have even had kids because they do something that your family would not is quite rude, really.</p>
<p>My son used to say he wanted to go to our state’s public boarding school for advanced kids. I would not have been opposed to the idea. I have some concerns about it being a good fit for him, but I certainly would have explored the option. As it turns out, he is quite happy at his local magnet HS and no longer interested. But if he didn’t have a local school that was as good as his, I would probably actively encourage him to look at the BS option.</p>
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<p>Number one most important thing. Child is happy, keep supporting that. Trust that he can learn how to make choices to support his own happiness.</p>
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<p>Not selfish at all IMHO really good for children, to keep them close while you can. What else is more important than spending irreplaceable time with your children before they leave you?</p>
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<p>Sounds like hes doing great, nothing needs to change unless he is distressed or unhappy.</p>
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<p>And your problem with this is? Sounds like a fun opportunity that could maybe turn into a regular gig, and/or get his foot in the door doing similar things. He could learn much, make great friends, and have a great time. Does he want to do it does he know exactly what he would be getting into? Maybe give him the opportunity to explore getting information about all aspects of this work opportunity.</p>
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<p>You are not old fashioned, you have it right. Let him grow at his own pace. Let him do what he wants, and he will naturally gravitate to a few things which become more important to him over time. There is nothing wrong with him being involved with many things.</p>
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<p>Oh, such ridiculous nonsense. The Ivy-or-bust mentality produces this idea. Sure, if you gifted son wants, he can apply to Ivies, and take his lottery ticket with the rest of the 40,000 kids that apply. Meanwhile, he can also find out about and visit many other truly exceptional schools, many of which are admissions matches or safeties for gifted kids who demonstrate their academic strengths through grades and class rigor and high (but not necessarily perfect) test scores. D is gifted and she chose two safety schools, both exceptionally academically rigorous institutions, and she got into both of them, as well as into one “match” and one “reach”. (She is attending the match school, where she is thriving.) Your son sounds like he is well on his way to being admissible to any number of excellent colleges that he will love. RELAX!!! And enjoy the rest of his HS years. And see if you can do the college admissions process for your gifted son with less stress than the rest of us, and then write a book about that! Those that come behind you could all use THAT advice!</p>
<p>I considered it a success that I was able to keep my highly gifted child at home until he was “normal” college age. We did it with homeschooling and community college, and we’re all thrilled with how well things have worked out. Others I know with equally gifted kids did private schools, public schools with advanced classes, boarding schools, and all kinds of combinations. We have a good relationship with our son and he’s happy in college now. There are many ways to happy families. Good luck!</p>
<p>I have not read any of the responses, so I will just shamelessly insert my thoughts:</p>
<p>What matters the most, IMHO, in education is the support and motivation the kid has. I will tell you that many people would consider me a very gifted child. Where your child goes does not matter. It is what your child does outside of school that really counts. Curiosity and books can take your child far. Never let the fuel run out. Stay curious and always question. That is what I have learned from my short life.</p>
<p>For those detractors who say they don’t want to spend saved college money for prep school, it may not be an “either-or” situation:</p>
<p><a href=“At Elite Prep Schools, College-Size Endowments - The New York Times”>At Elite Prep Schools, College-Size Endowments - The New York Times;
<p>Why do some people assume that the only legitimate reason to go to boarding school is to get away from a bad situation? My kids went to be in an atmosphere where they were intellectually challenged and socially enriched. Their home life was good before and is good now. The positives they’ve gotten from BS far outweigh any negatives."</p>
<p>I suspect it is because we view everything from what we would do with our own children. I never have understood the boarding school draw, though I have known some brilliant kids with seemingly happy home lives to go to boarding school. I’m sure many of my friends think, “How can you leave your children for 5 days at a time to go to work?” And I believe my children are just fine being with my husband, and maybe even get a different experience and closeness to their father that they wouldn’t have if I was there.</p>
<p>But I have to ask, at ninth grade, if there is not a pressing reason to leave one’s home, is this really such a good decision for most children? My kids have gotten a first rate education at one of the best private schools on the west coast…living at home. Maybe they could have gone to a boarding school just a little bit better on the east coast, and been even further challenged. But they wouldn’t get to go back to the peace of their own home and room, the never ending attention of their dogs, the mental reprieve of being away from the pressures of other kids and school. They wouldn’t have the constant affection of their parents encircling them, giving them hugs and doing little things for them, saying I believe in you, no matter what happens you can always come home to people who adore, respect and worship you. Noticing if they seem sad or feeling ill, always thinking about them. Do you get that at boarding school?</p>
<p>I know it cuts to the heart of every parent to hear others wonder whether what they are doing is best for their kids. I’d hope that everyone does what they think is best for their children. But honestly, if someone is in a supportive family situation, a challenging school situation, and life is going good…why would you send a ninth grader away to boarding school for four years? I just am curious why they would be better without their parents. Now I know my college kid is better off being away from us, far better. But I don’t think he would have been better off at 14.</p>
<p>“They wouldn’t have the constant affection of their parents encircling them, giving them hugs and doing little things for them, saying I believe in you, no matter what happens you can always come home to people who adore, respect and worship you. Noticing if they seem sad or feeling ill, always thinking about them. Do you get that at boarding school?”</p>
<p>I really respect the views of everyone who has sent posted. And I am really grateful that all of you have shared your thoughts. You have given me so much to think about. Having said that, busdriver11 has mentioned some of the things I factored into my thoughts about HS, 2 years ago when we were looking at HS.
I know DS is sensitive but stoic. I wondered how he would navigate through puppy love, friend issues, peer pressure, faith issues, etc. without immediate back-up and support. Would he feel comfortable going to an advisor for help? For homework help, yes, but I would guess not with his personal cares and concerns. I am sure he would have grown up quickly, but I wondered how he would do. I wondered how much of an influence his teachers would have over his development outside of class. Would he mostly be “taken care of” by his classmates? It felt strange that he would be “cared for” by teachers who I wouldn’t know. I am sure that they would be nice, but would they share my values? I am sure there is a leap of faith that I wasn’t ready for at that point in time.</p>
<p>"They wouldn’t have the constant affection of their parents encircling them, giving them hugs and doing little things for them, saying I believe in you, no matter what happens you can always come home to people who adore, respect and worship you. Noticing if they seem sad or feeling ill, always thinking about them. Do you get that at boarding school?"</p>
<p>Yes you do. As I stated earlier, a parent doesn’t have to be there physically with their kid 365 days a year to show that kid how much he is loved.</p>
<p>“Yes you do. As I stated earlier, a parent doesn’t have to be there physically with their kid 365 days a year to show that kid how much he is loved.”</p>
<p>I agree with that. but is 2 1/2 months out of the year enough? And what about those kids that come home and are busy during the summer? How much contact does a parent have? Seems far different when they are 18 or older,as opposed to 14. And I have heard from people who work at schools that the most depressed and messed people in the school are ninth grade girls. Maybe some of them are better away from home, but maybe some aren’t.</p>
<p>To satisfy my own curiosity, I just took a look at DS’s boarding school calendar:</p>
<p>Parents Weekends + Breaks = 55 days (just under 2 months)
Summer Vacation = just over 3 months</p>
<p>Total formally scheduled time with family: 5 months</p>
<p>Depending on how far away school is, there is the possiblility for weekends and evenings (most families live within a 4 hour driving radius) </p>
<p>Plus there are regular phone calls, Facebook, skype, chat, SMS. Boarding school family dynamics today is not what it was a couple of decades ago…</p>
<p>I’ve done both the boarding school route and the stay-at-home route. In fact, I’ve done both with my oldest, taking him out of a fantastic boarding school experience because we moved and we felt he was better off living at home after the move. There’s no universal truth here for parents. There may be an overwhelming desire for validation of their own choices and preferences and personal values…and they may be imprinting their own child or their own situation onto yours, fully convinced that their answer is correct for your child. But those things are not truths. Situations are very fact-specific and people-intensive. In ours, a simple relocation tilted the balance. The boarding school situation had been fantastic and we regretted taking him out…but we felt (and still believe, particularly after having many choices from many great colleges when those college decisions came in) that both of our choices (for him to go to boarding school and, later, for him to move with us and go to school from home) were the right ones and best ones for him.</p>
<p>I have no idea what’s best for your child and I have no vicariously vested interest in the outcome, but I can speak to some of the things you’ve raised in your specific case. </p>
<p>First, envy of another student going to boarding school is not a good reason to choose boarding school for your own child. What’s best for one child isn’t necessarily best for yours. What’s more, you have no idea if that decision is best for their child! Even people who decide on boarding school get a little too vested in that choice, thinking that there’s one paradigm out there when your choice is ultimately not “boarding school” in some generic sense but a very real, very specific boarding school community. If you explore boarding schools, you may find some that are appealing for your son and some that aren’t. These, too, are very personal choices. And the ones you make about specific schools matter far more than some generic “boarding school or not boarding school” choice. If envy is driving this and there’s little else pulling you in that direction, I’d work past the envy and stay pat. But you could also plan a visit to a nearby boarding school to see for yourself and draw your own conclusions.</p>
<p>Second, how boarding school may impact you is not selfish and it is a very valid consideration if you’re dreading the idea of a child living away from home. In our case, we had a geographic range we were comfortable with. We looked at boarding schools beyond that range but the flights and connections we needed to make those visits told us all we needed to know about whether we could handle having a child at school that far away. Others are comfortable with greater distances. It’s really very personal to your and your child.</p>
<p>Frankly, I haven’t read anything in your posts that cries out for you to make the boarding school choice other than doubts because it has come to your attention on account of someone else choosing that. But why not check one out, if only to allay your doubts. Please do not, however, buy into the notion that there’s a right decision or wrong decision that has some universal application.</p>
<p>That sounds like a more generous amount of time scheduled for breaks than most schools have. I’m sure some parents have the opportunity to take advantage of that and others (probably those that live further or who cannot afford it) may not, as it can be expensive to fly home every break. I still think it may take a very specific sort of child and family that this works for.</p>
<p>As far as, “Plus there are regular phone calls, Facebook, skype, chat, SMS.” Maybe you can get your kid talking on those. I sure can’t. It requires personal contact. I’m lucky if I get more than a one sentence answer when requested, but when I’m sitting on the couch and we’re laughing about some ridiculous movie and he’s in the mood to talk (which comes and goes with the wind), I can get more than I can even comprehend. Certainly other kids are different, but boys can be tough nuts to crack.</p>
<p>I found that our relationship with our son grew while he was at boarding school. It seems counter-intuitive but it’s not uncommon. (Nor is it universally true.) Part of that growth in the relationship, to be sure, was tied to the fact that he was probably at the point where he had matured so that it was going to happen anyway. But our relationship was richer in part because he was at boarding school. He was doing his own laundry and he had room checks, so he was keeping his room in good order. He had a greater sense of independence, too, and he felt confident in his development to express himself as a young man. The simple fact that there was a clear cut break from the usual routine of living at home and getting a ride to school and a ride home and having dinner served at a schedule tailored to his routine…all of that helped.</p>
<p>The experience was easily more rewarding in terms of the relationship than the next year of growing up living in the same circumstances and dynamic as every year before that. Then again, kids mature at different paces. If boarding school is ill-suited to a child…it could mean that the child leans very heavily on remote parents and there may be no growth at all (apart from the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” variety).</p>
<p>I went into the boarding school experience assuming that I was sacrificing something in terms of that kind of parent-child bonding and discovered that it was one of the things I’d personally chalk up in the “plus” column. That child is in college now and it’s not the same as it had been during boarding school. He’s moving out and finding his own place in the world. It is a bittersweet thing. While he was at boarding school it was just wonderful, not bittersweet.</p>
<p>Also bear in mind that time spent at home isn’t necessarily quality time…and it’s not even necessarily spent with the parents or siblings. Counting days as if they’re a fungible commodity is a big mistake. As we all know, some days count more than others. I personally learned that boarding school – for my son and for our family – meant we had many more of those treasured “counts for more” days together while he was attending boarding school.</p>
<p>And, again, I strongly caution against this becoming a debate about “boarding school” in some generic sense and “day school” or “home schooling” – as if those are three well-defined options that people actually choose from. If you’re thinking of “boarding schools” are you thinking of Lawrenceville, Thacher or McCallie? If you’re thinking of “day school” is it a public school, a public magnet, a private school, a boarding school as a day student…and what are each of those specific options like? And home schooling may be greatly different depending on the parent’s metiers, the locally-available networks and resources and the competing demands of siblings.</p>
<p>The “boarding school or not” discussion is a discussion about whether to cut off the discussion about actual, specific boarding schools before having the specifics on the table. It’s like saying, “Do I want to become informed on this issue or not?” If you don’t, you ignore it. If you want to be informed, you’ve got a learning curve ahead of you because you’re not deciding whether to send your child to “generic boarding school.” That option does not, to my knowledge, exist for anyone.</p>
<p>My stoic child has become infinitely more affectionate and talkative since bs. For us, the phone has become a version of a good, late night car drive–thoseconversations that can go so much deeper than the day to day chit chat. I can honestly say that I have heart to heart chats with him as much as I have with the son at home and almost daily how was you day check in too.</p>
<p>BS is for kids who want boarding school. Yes, it’s a specific kind of kid, but ethnically, economically, socially, they are an incredibly diverse crew. </p>
<p>I have another child who’s perfectly happy at home.</p>
<p>These conversations only go wrong when “what’s working for us” turns into “I don’t see how anyone could…”</p>
<p>And my count is 25 out of 52 weeks at home–at a school with more class days than most.</p>
<p>Can’t edit from my phone–meant 22 out of 52 weeks.</p>
<p>My private school joke has always been the more you pay, the less you go. Guess that goes for boarding schools as well. ;)</p>
<p>Or you pay so you can stay home.</p>
<p>So much more I could write. Ask yourself why you wanted kids- to be with them or … </p>
<p>I enjoyed your post. This last question got to me because I want my child to be happy & fulfilled. There was no way that she could achieve that in the local public school. It was the best in the region but she knew she could do better. She had seen the way that her older sister was treated in the local parochial school and didn’t want to go that route. When she investigated a boarding school through a summer program, it became clear to her that she wanted to to go to a boarding school. She applied, was rejected; reapplied & was accepted. As a result, she has had her eyes opened to the rest of the world. </p>
<p>She is surrounded by kids with a good work ethic. She has had the opportunity to travel. There are so many things that we could not have given her had she remained at home. We miss her dearly. Thank goodness for Skype! But I would not have denied her these amazing opportunities simply to keep her under my wing. </p>
<p>Every situation is different; every kid is different. Some are ready; others are not. </p>
<p>She was ready to fly @ 14. She is flying @ 16. Watching my kid soar is why I had kids.</p>