"But how do you handle jealousy when a bunch of parents get together and start talking? I know what my child is taking - no study halls and not even a lunch period - and it is nothing like what kids in the other schools are taking. "
Honestly for me I wasn’t friendly with any of the parents of my kids’ hs classmates beyond a pleasant hello or greeting. I don’t know how people work full time demanding jobs and have the energy to keep up with all the gossip; I certainly didn’t. But if I had been in such a conversation, it would have been one of those where I’d participate in the moment but forget it all the moment I was gone. Kind of like when you go out to lunch you know that your friend ordered the salmon but it’s not like you retain that a day later. So it likely would have just gone in one ear and out the other, just being honest.
I didn’t mind talking about schools and how to finance them. I got some good information from other parents, especially the mother of one of my daughter’s teammate who was also looking to play in college. She was the one who told me about the Florida Resident Grant for instate students going to a private college (she was off by a lot in the amount, but at least I knew to ask the schools about it). It was never mentioned by any GC. She had a child in college already and knew about stacking scholarships and other aid (she’s military, so her kids had GI Bill money). We didn’t discuss test scores, but she knew my daughter had better grades and scores because my daughter had won awards (scholar athlete, NHS).
I don’t think parents from our high school cared that much about prestige. They were impressed by the girl going to the Naval Academy, but not the one going to MIT. When I said D had visited Smith, the most common reaction was ‘Where’s that?’ So much for prestige. A friend of my daughter was winning scholarship after scholarship, award after award. We weren’t jealous, just happy for her.
The only time I had ‘emotion’ about another student’s awards is a teammate of my daughter (both high school and now college). Her father kept saying over and over that his daughter has a ‘full ride’ and I know she doesn’t. I know what her athletic scholarship is, and I’m angry that the father is lying about it. I know all this because the girls talk. I told my daughter not to, but they do talk.
I knew we were full pay and know nothing about FA, so I had nothing to share that way.
A few things though…I was asked a lot of these types of questions by parents at D’s HS ( local public), but never at S’s school (magnet). Could have been coincidence. People who work full time (both men and women ) seem to find time to engage in this at least in my experience.
A few years ago I was contacted by a parent in my neighborhood (whom I barely know). Her child had been accepted at the school D had graduated from and she wanted to know about it. I was expecting to talk about classes, dorms, social activities, transportation to/from, etc. but within a few minutes of the conversation I realized that she wanted to know if/how much FA or merit we received. I refused to discuss the money.
The best advice I have been given is to only concern myself with myself (and my family). Who cares what anybody else is doing or how they are doing it? Who cares what cars they drive, what houses they choose to live in or where they vacation? Who cares what schools they are looking at or how they are planning to pay for college? What others are doing is irrelevant. The people we choose to associate with are concerned with doing what they believe is best for their family, in the best way they can. We all try to be supportive of each other, and when asked, will offer advice as best we can. Of course, we are polite and social with those outside our crowd. The vast majority are good, decent people doing the best they can as well. We don’t have to be BFFs with everybody. When people want to pry into your business, just smile and change the subject. When people ask how we are going to pay for college, with 3 in private colleges at one time, we simply commiserate over the cost of colleges (who cannot relate to that?) and say we will do the best we can and that we are working the plan.
They were asking how I could afford it - and that’s not their business. I wasn’t going to worry about any implied messages or not.
I don’t ask people how they can afford things. If they are interested in how to pay for a college they can run and EFC, contact the school’s FA office, etc.
We could answer every post on CC with “run the NPC, contact the school’s FA office, etc.” but many of us have found help when asked how to afford this college, how to get scholarships at that college. Why should people in real life be different than online? If someone asks questions about my daughters’ college, I try to answer. If the questions are about scholarships or financing, I don’t have to tell them what DDs received but can be more general “Well, the school has merit aid for these scores/gpa, there are competitive merit awards, there are some that are given for need.” If it is too intrusive for you, just say you don’t know how someone else’s child will be awarded.
I think a lot of people bring it up because (1) they are stressing about their own kid’s search, and want to talk about it. If you think that is the case, say something vague in response to their question (“Snowflake is still deciding where to apply” or “Yes, college is so expensive!” or “Now that apps are in, we are trying to not even think about it until responses come back.” Followed by, “And how is your snowflake’s search going?”. You probably won’t have to say another word for 15 minutes. If they seem really misguided, I might ask if they have heard of CC and suggest they spend some time out here. 
Reason (2) - They are people without kids in this year’s hunt (people at work, etc). They are just making conversation because it is an easy thing to do with parents of college juniors & seniors. I do it myself sometimes (but more along the lines of “What is Snowflake thinking of doing after graduation?”, and acting enthusiastic with almost any response. Again, you can fend them off with the same kind of responses as above, and change the subject.
OP, I think spending time out here can help alleviate your jealousy. As you probably already know, you will find kids out here with MUCH worse situations than your own kids (parents who don’t care if their kids go to college, parents who really stifle their kid’s search for control reasons – not just finances, kids who have ill family members and have to care for them, etc). It always made our search problems seem smaller to come out and see posts from those kids.
@intparent - exactly - well said.
Hi. Ive been reading this thread and idk if it has digressed into a general jealousy question/competitive parents or if that’s what you wanted to hear. I think I interpreted your question differently so I wanted to share. My D attends a very prestigious nationally ranked magnet school. The local schools are Classified as “underachieving” by the state based on API. Anyhow, this her senior year was tough in regard to the UC system BC of their eligibility in context admission policy. It was frustrating to see the local neighbors who opted against the magnet school bc it was too hard to compete, get admitted to the top UC’s. These kids have low SAT scores and inflated GPAs. Yet they are now admitted into UCLA BC it loves to compare kids by class rank. Many of these kids accomplishments pale in comparison to my daughter’s. I know this BC I’m a teacher and I work with them. Their personal statements were also poorly written. Trust me, I tried to help but the word is that their siblings got in after spending 1 hour writing theirs, so the cycle repeats itself. So I can see what you mean by jealousy. The First generation, low income from an underachieving school kids were accepted practically to all their UC choices. The flip side? These kids are under prepared and struggle. My D got into CAL and will be attending in the fall. Your consolation? She will not struggle academically BC she is used to the rigor… I can’t speak to the privates BC we didn’t really apply to many and neither did the local kids. D got wait listed at uchi and admitted into Northeastern with a great package. Denied at Harvard but one local kid got in. It was All over the news. The kid, along with her sob story, but no mention of accomplishments, other than top student at local school (inflated GPA). So I can see why some of us can become bitter before the frenzy ends. I’m grateful my D hard work paid off and that at the end of the day, I guided her to do the best for herself… She is A very happy and well rounded girl. So don’t be so hard on yourself and focus on how your child will be fine when the time comes!
@Vegasbound2020!!! Your experience is a good reason why it makes sense to focus on your own family, your good decisions, your kid’s achievements and admission to an outstanding university – and to “fuhgeddabout” your neighbors.
It’s easy to stereotype the “others” who took the easier path in public school system and must be suffering in college for their lack of preparation. Some of those kids are going to grow and thrive in the college environment when the larger academic world opens up to them. And some will flail and fail. But this should be none of your concern.
The admission system is set up a certain way in California for a reason. It’s not going to be exactly fair for everybody. But there’s a rationale behind it.
Now that your D is entering UC, I’d say “Don’t look back. Look ahead.”
Mackinaw, I am looking ahead! That is why I shared with OP to reassure her that everything will be fine in the end! I did share the tumultous experience so that she knows what to expect. As an educator, I know how the system works but not everyone does. As an educator at a low performing school, I also know that the UCs mean well but are not doing the the majority of the kids they admit any favors BC they really do not scrutinize for resilience or other key factors. It seems that they base their admission on inflated gpa and don’t scrutinize for EC, volunteer service etc… If the UC applied the same expectations to the local kids, all the kids they admit would succeed. But I think the UC have gotten lazy and base their admissions on gpaalone when looking at local schools. Most magnets dont provide kids class rank, so the UC has to actually scrutinize the entire application.
I want to add that my kids success is my concern. I’m one of the teachers who has high expectations and many kids avoid my AP class BC they know it will be rigorous. This is frustrating BC it implies other teachers do not challenge them. Sure enough, the kids who do well in my class do well in college. Those who avoid my class or drop it BC they don’t want to work hard or mess up their inflated GPA don’t do well in college. So it is my concern.
To be honest…how WE paid for college is no one else’s business at social events. You folks here know how we paid for college. I have posted it numerous times here. But there is NO WAY I would have entertained a conversation with ANYONE in person about the subject.
Main reason…what difference does it make how WE paid? Families need to figure out how THEY will pay…and my way certainly wasn’t the only solution.
And in case any of you don’t remember…we send my whole take home pay for seven years to pay for two exoensive private school educations. If I had said this…someone would have either asked my salary or figured it ou. Again…none of their business.
And discussion of test scores? Um…nope. Didn’t do that at all.
To be honest…how WE paid for college is no one else’s business at social events. You folks here know how we paid for college. I have posted it numerous times here. But there is NO WAY I would have entertained a conversation with ANYONE in person about the subject.
Main reason…what difference does it make how WE paid? Families need to figure out how THEY will pay…and my way certainly wasn’t the only solution.
And in case any of you don’t remember…we send my whole take home pay for seven years to pay for two exoensive private school educations. If I had said this…someone would have either asked my salary or figured it ou. Again…none of their business.
And discussion of test scores? Um…nope. Didn’t do that at all.
“What were your kid’s SAT scores?”
Oh, she’s happy with them.
She’s just glad to be done with that.
Problem solved. No one asked me and discussing scores isn’t a big thing at our school. My kids simply didn’t participate in that discussion. Second kid sat back and watched a bunch of kids congratulate another kid on having the top PSAT score.
Thank you all!
I know this is all in MY head … I don’t think it is part of my kid’s personality at all (one of many winning qualities that don’t always translate to paper). And, as someone upthread said, you don’t know what someone else’s struggle is, whether family related, financial or whatever. I do know some of the personal situations, and wouldn’t trade with them for anything.
My family has it good. A point or two or 12 on a test doesn’t make or break a future. Going to a good school (not a “great” school) doesn’t mean my child isn’t intelligent. My child and I have talked a lot about the merits of being a big fish in a small pond, what we can afford, etc., and in my heart of hearts I know things will be fine.
Now, I just have to re-read this thread next year after hearing college small talk, lol.
“I’m wondering how you guys handle information, test scores and other information from other parents.” - Thsi was the easiest aspect when D. was applying. Simply, nobody shared any information, her friends never discussed any of that, when they got together, they just wanted to have fun. Sharing information like this does not help anybody, it makes the relationships more difficult…
That’s only natural. We are in the same boat with friends from two neighboring towns. Both are good districts but not as elite or rigorous as ours. Their kids have lots of time to attend social/church obligations as school isn’t that rigorous and kids only take one or two easy token AP and no IB.
It’s just very difficult to explain it to them that comparing their top 20% student’s struggles with our district’s top 1%'s struggle is just not fair.
Did you say your child isn’t taking a lunch period? He is still eating lunch somewhere in there, right? If your child is denying himself food to get into college, you guys are taking this frenzy too far.
“It’s just very difficult to explain it to them that comparing their top 20% student’s struggles with our district’s top 1%'s struggle is just not fair.” - This should not be a part of any social conversation whatsoever.
My point exactly. I avoid it but others can bring it up that how come your kids don’t have time and ours does. I can’t say that it’s because your schools have no rigor and competition so I say that may be your kids have better time management skills.