That is great advice, thank you so much!
No I haven’t, but what can they do to help with college?
They can help support you emotionally while you figure out how to get through this challenging time.
1 Like
CLEP’s are a good suggestion. You can buy used textbooks and will probably do well on tests that you choose. Gen eds at community college or online. Stay with relatives who accept who you are in terms of being gay. Continue to work. You can transfer or do a degree completion program (which are less expensive: examples might be Lesley U’s LCAL and UMass Amherst University without Walls but there are many others). You seem very mature and hard-working.
3 Likes
OP, I’m sorry you’re in this bind. I fully understand that another year at home could feel pretty soul-crushing.
I’m wondering whether you prepped for the SAT, or if your 1330 was a “cold” score.
Another plan that occurs to me is a funded gap year away from home, and doing some significant test prep. A higher score could position you better for scholarships when you reapply, and in the meantime you’d get some time to process and just live your life outside your parents’ home. One of the Americorps programs like City Year or Conservation Corps could work - participants live on a tight budget, but make enough to cover their expenses, living with others in the program. A year to “detox” from your family situation without handling the transition to college at the same time might not be a bad thing.
The job market for entry-level computer science grads is very, very tough right now. Are you aiming for that field because you truly love it, or just because you think it’s a golden ticket employability-wise? Are there any other options you’ve considered?
I have a friend who was in your position, in Texas, a number of years ago. (Although he was fully kicked out, so the “stay home another year” option wasn’t in play.) He ended up working in construction for several years, before working his way through U of Houston and getting an engineering degree. It’s challenging, but there isn’t just one road to your goals.
Keep in mind that getting the loans that require the FAFSA means you need your parents’ cooperation with filing. Might they withhold that if they don’t get their way?
8 Likes
I wanted to offer another perspective too.
I know that you are having trouble being your authentic self with your parents and that flat out sucks and is not necessarily the norm for most teens looking to go to college.
But the parents feeling sad and not wanting to lose their kid is very much the norm. Most parents just overcome that and try to hold back tears as their kids head off to college or work or the military, etc. So them wanting you to stay another year really doesn’t seem out of left field, especially since you have been homeschooled and there wasn’t the peer pressure of a big high school graduation with lots of your classmates going off to start college. On the contrary, maybe your parents have homeschooling friends whose kids have stayed for that super senior year or even continued to live at home and work or go to college. Your parents most likely chose to homeschool you to keep you close to them and ‘protected’ from the outside influences of the big bad world. It’s got to be really extra hard for them to let you go now.
So I would say try to muster up some sympathy for them if you can. When you are constantly at loggerheads with them that is just going to make them want to dig into their position (keeping you home) even more. Yes, this is about YOUR life, but it’s a big change for them, too.
Do a little thought experiment. Do you think you would be able to continue to have a relationship with them if they changed their tune and said it was ok for you to go to Texas A&M? Would you come home on breaks and celebrate holidays with them? If so be sure you are telling them that. Reassure them that going away to college doesn’t mean you are cutting them out of your life forever.
On the other hand if you want to cut them out of your life completely you will have to be fully independent and not relying on them for any financial support. It’s a big leap and not one taken lightly.
The best case is living your own life authentically and still having a good relationship with them – not always possible, but the goal.
Look for a compromise. Maybe Texas A&M feels too big to your parents. There are smaller schools like Warren Wilson that are still taking applications. Your folks might feel better about you going to a school that is closer to them, or maybe a school like Hendrix College that nominally has some religious life (but it’s not required and there is also a large LGBTQ student population). There may be schools in Texas that would fill that niche of a smaller school that still has some LGBTQ population, but would look good to your parents for whatever reason (closer, has an optional religious component, close to relatives, etc).
Good luck and keep us posted. You can get through this and it will get better.
6 Likes
Worth trying.
I applaud your drive and that you are looking at different options! Just keep in mind that working 5 days a week and going to school full time can be a challenge. It doesn’t leave much time for studying or other activities.
And that is IF you get a job at H-E-B and IF you can get scheduled 5 days a week (noting is guaranteed).
There were mentions of trying to find family to stay with, going independent, etc. Are you so heckbent on going to school that you are potentially willing to take a really hard path which could include cutting off you family?
It would be really nice if you and your parents could find a compromise.
Like go to CC a year or two, prove yourself as a responsible student, then transfer to a 4-year. And talk to them, ask them to be honest. And try to see their side of the situation, not just yours. They may not be able to fund all or any of your college career, but maybe together you can do it. Best of luck to you!
4 Likes
The issue is that there’s no compromise wrt identity - I’m assuming you’re not saying OP should pretend to be dating a girl to ‘reassure’ his parents. Someone can’t be a little bit gay with a dose of straight (I guess you could say you can be bi but I doubt that’d work any better with OPs parents).
There CAN be compromise along the lines of DADT, which would mean that OP can go to college and his parents support him but he doesn’t tell them about his social/dating life. I’m not sure the parents are open to that. OP can think about it, discuss it with an LGBTQ group, perhaps model some sort of discussion to ensure it goes as well as possible and doesn’t harm him.
@nathan0707 : you need help planning for various scenarios (-ii??)
Organizations can help you with words to use and not to use; with a timeline; how not to compromise your future or your safety; with resources; with people whom you can contact. You may have this already but The Trevor Project is accessible 24/7 if you need to talk or any reason and if you tap quickly 3 times it disappears from your browser.
One scenario is the most-hoped-for, where things go well; they help you find points that your parents can hear, your parents in turn choose to support you with some kind of DADT compromise, and you go to college (TAMU, Hendrix, Austin CC, cc or college near your relatives, wherever but you’re out of the house and in college).
But also they can help you plan in case things don’t go well.
(^They’re still accepting applications but dont wait too long)
Btw, if you see things are getting tighter for you, it’s important to prepare a quick-exit/essentials bag in case things go south faster than you thought/unexpectedly. I hope they wouldn’t, but you have to be logistically ready (even if it’s impossible to be emotionally ready) in case they do.
6 Likes
A similar question could be asked of the parents and their attitude towards their child’s authentic self. I think @MYOS1634 and some others have given really good advice.
9 Likes
I agree - as usual great advice on CC. I was simply asking OP to consider different perspectives. And playing a little Devil’s Advocate.
I am curious (because I am not sure) if OP was ready to sever ties. Is the issue that the parents/life are intolerable and OP is outta there no matter what?
Or is the issue (final straw maybe?) that the parents aren’t paying for school? Would OP not being severing ties if parents were paying for school?
1 Like
I think “severing ties” is putting words in their mouth. They just mentioned moving out. If the parents are prepared to sever ties over this, though, that tells you all you need to know.
3 Likes
Great point - you don’t want a family destroyed if that’s not OP’s intent. Definitely something to consider - life is long and your parents are, your parents - and families being ripped apart is a horrible thing. It may be necessary for OP’s mental health and stability but it needs very very very deep thought and I’m appreciative the question was raised.
If other family members take OP in, it can cause friction for those relatives with the parents.
We are not there - we are simply anonymous people answering anonymous posts. And yes, we don’t know that OP’s parents would sever ties….we really don’t know anything - hence OP should tread carefully and talk to others, including trusted relatives.
1 Like
This is why grandparents were invented. Seriously, I don’t know what I would have done without grandparents, uncles and aunts at a similar time in my life.
5 Likes
That doesn’t mean that OP should put themselves in a position like this with their parents.
Maybe it will be best but maybe it will be forever impacting, not in a way they want.
@RookieCollegeMom is simply saying to ensure you are ready for this or it is what they truly want.
It’s easy to be so cavalier about it - that’s why they have grandparents - from the outside.
I keep forgetting this is The Parents Forum.
However, they have clearly not thought of this as a priority because they made a lot of money last year and didn’t invest a dime in my college education. I can’t even get any FAFSA aid because of how much they made.
However, I am not asking to go to Harvard, I’m asking to go to A&M, which is 33k a year including all the expenses.
Plus, the college experience is a once in a lifetime experience.
@nathan0707 I think I am still a little confused, your primary goal is to go away to a 4yr university this fall and as the thread progressed you indicated your parents are unwilling to support you financially because of your sexuality. But in your initial post you were angry that the money hadn’t been saved for you to have the 4yr away at college experience and that there was push back on the cost of TAMU so it seems like the 4yr experience wasn’t ever their plan or perhaps the college planning and guidance wasn’t adequate to your goals and that would be understandably crushing now. Prior to senior year and applying to TAMU had you previously discussed your college plans and the financials with your parents? Were they planning to co-sign a loan for you/take out a loan themselves/cash flow 4yrs of college and now they no longer will do that because of the cost and/or your sexuality? It sounds like there is a possibility at least that their plan always included you living at home for a few more years and progressing through community college first or it also sounds likely (given they think you can continue ‘dual enrollment’ beyond graduation this year) that they didn’t have a college plan at all (I know you mentioned farm chores and being an hour away from things and with the homeschooling my thoughts went to a working family farm).
I know the thread has snowballed into a advice of no contact futures with emergency escape bags and I’m happy there are those with experience able to offer OP the advice to be prepared for every possibility, but suggesting OP’s parents would have committed him to conversion therapy if he hadn’t turned 18 when his own words were that they were keeping him home to stifle him from a gay social scene seems to cross the line for a community of adults meant to advise impressionable high school students. Judge them fittingly for not supporting his authentic self from liftoff but keep in mind the reactive lens we are getting information through may not warrant going straight to obliterating future family relationships.
OP: For what its worth, I’m throwing the other side of the coin at you too. You’ve said a few times that your parents are protective, and independent of what college they can or want to fund, your parents would not be alone in their worry about the transition to college away from home, notwithstanding going from an often more isolated home-schooled environment to living in a dorm on a large campus, and navigating it while living a new and different (albeit worthy and true) lifestyle. Doesn’t mean they are handling it appropriately or that you don’t deserve to take the next step into your future self authentically, but just that maybe your sexuality is the low hanging fruit here and in reality it won’t remain as divisive as it feels right now once they start coming to terms with all of this change and stop ‘soiling the nest’ so to speak.
4 Likes
I agree with this take.
Many parents have a hard time letting go and feel really sad/happy/sad at sending their kids off into the world. Nathan’s parents sound like they are having a harder time with it than a lot of parents, but it is normal for parents to feel conflicted about their kids growing up and moving out.
Nathan, I’d encourage you to try to find some sympathy for them and a place of compromise with them if you feel that you can. Yes, you want to go and live your life as you should, but if there is a way to work through this without burning bridges try that first.
(FWIW I’m a mom to two LGBTQ kids sending mom hugs your way.)
4 Likes
What a nice and supportive post.
OP- I get that right now you are viewing everything through your own lens (sexuality, parents won’t let go, parents haven’t saved, homeschooled so no regular social outlets, etc.) But the answer to your dilemma may be to meet your parents halfway, at least for another year.
I hate to repeat myself- but have you explored starting an online college in September, living at home, keeping your job, saving money???
1 Like
That’s really my hope too - that there can be a compromise (I suggested a DADT situation). Hopefully OPs parents can “come around” and OP will meet them halfway.
Contacting local support groups with whom OP will be able to discuss his exact situation (anonymously and privately) in its complexity and in ways impossible on a public forum makes the most sense to me.
There are several venues for OP to explore - TAMU doesn’t seem to be one of them at this point but they indicated relatives (that could be a compromise acceptable to OPs parents) and a willingness to consider community college. Moving with relatives during college doesn’t mean burning bridges. Going to college can actually be a good step for both parents and child, even if it’s really hard for the parents. This requires planning and considering many variables.
Whether parents fill out FAFSA and will financially contribute to college is just one of them. Any help will go a long way.
Nathan has to prioritize his safety though - in every way possible.
(I don’t think living at home with homophobic parents who remain homophobic is an option. It is soul crushing and is one of the reasons the Trevor project has to exist. In so many cases, LGBT kids with trauma have it due to their parents. NOT saying this is the case here but this is the parents forum and most of us have/had, and are, loving, supportive, if imperfect, parents, so we hope Nathan’s parents are too.. but there are situations where that’s not the case. Hence the importance of real-life support networks, which this forum isn’t.)
I’m the one who suggested having a packed bag - because as unbelievable as it seems to most of us, this situation happens and parents do kick their (LGBT) kids out, and if that happens having a packed bag is literally life-saving whereas having it and not needing it does no harm. Think of it as you would fire insurance. Odds are, you won’t need it, and aren’t you glad you didn’t - but you’re glad you have it anyway.
@nathan0707 sending you hugs too.
3 Likes