Does anybody know if there’s a thread from the past that gives advice on how to comfort your child about prestige/competition issues at school? As many of you know, it looks at this point as if my daughter will have two great options (that many would be glad to have), but they don’t have the brag factor or glam of some other schools. Since her high school is not particularly competitive, D24 will certainly not look like she “didn’t do well.” My question is more how to deal with the emotional side of it, because there is definitely a feeling of competition in the school about colleges!
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YAHOO!!
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My son is in a similar situation. After loving his tour of South Carolina, where he has been accepted to the Honors College, several of his high achieving friends made disparaging comments about the school. For the most part, he shrugged it off, and (rightly) think that his peers just aren’t familiar with the benefits of an Honors College. But it still stung.
Mostly, I applaud my son for his scholarships, how he has great options, etc. He is pleased with how he did, overall, with applications. But he is unlikely to go anywhere with any sort of WOW factor for most people. But he also is realizing how narrow so many people’s understanding of colleges really is.
One interesting thing that we have noticed is that when we tell people where D24 is going (Smith), we either get a blank stare because a lot of people have never heard of Smith in our neck of the woods, or we get a “WOW” type of reaction. So I think that has also helped S24 realize that, for a lot of people, the universe of colleges is State Flagships or Ivies, and they don’t have much knowledge of other options. So, the fact that such people don’t have an awareness of the niche benefits of particular programs, or the amazing scholarships (that it would be gauche to brag about), etc. doesn’t at all mean that the student isn’t making a fantastic choice to attend a school that will be just right for them.
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Nationwide AT&T outage today, not sure it’s back
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I don’t know of a prior thread, but I bet there is one somewhere!
Here’s what I think about your question, though…thoughts in no particular order:
- It’s not where you go that counts. It’s what you do when you get there and what you do when you get out of there that matters.
- Come up with some sort of ‘elevator speech’ that your D24 can give to people. Something that she can say right off the cuff at a moment’s notice and sound confident while saying it. I have an example that I’ll include below from a real life conversation that we had with a parent from our school recently.
- Review all the reasons why D24 applied to the 2 great options she has been accepted to. Do the reasons why D24 liked those schools still apply? Yes? Then it doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks. ESPECIALLY if those 2 good options are affordable and won’t cost you $87,000/year out of pocket.
There’s some parents at our kids’ HS who chase prestige. And by ‘prestige,’ I mean the attitude of “If I haven’t heard of the school, then it must not be very good.” My kid applied to some schools that the prestige-chaser parents haven’t heard of at all. And you know, when us parents of juniors or seniors get together, everybody ends up asking each other where your kids are/did apply to college. I’ve now had a couple of such conversations where it went like this:
OP (other parent): Where did your D24 apply to college?
me: (lists of schools)
OP: Psh (sound of somebody scoffing/blowing you off), why would she apply to (the 5 out of state schools on D24’s list)?
me: Oh, well, the 2 NM public schools have really great AZ reciprocal scholarships which make it cheaper to attend than ASU or U of A.
OP: (weird look on their face) Huh, really? I didn’t know that. How did you find out about that? Why would D24 even want to go to college in NM? I mean, it’s…NM (disgusted look on their face).
me: Well, she hasn’t fully decided yet. And I just looked it up because counselor’s_name mentioned WUE in a presentation last year.
OP: Oh. But what about those other 3? (meaning Austin College, Southwestern, Centre) Where’s Centre?
me: In KY.
OP: (disgusted look on their face) But that’s in KY. Why would anybody want to go there?
me: (here’s the elevator speech) Because they have really great merit aid. It lists it out right on their website. It’s in what looks to be a really great small town with a campus community. Based on what the merit aid comes in with, it might be equivalent to paying for her to attend ASU or U of A, but she’d get a lot more one on one attention with professors, much easier access to do research with professors, easier access to internships, and they have a really great pre-health program with a good track record of their undergrads getting accepted to health professions grad schools, which is important to her.
OP: Oh…huh, what’s the name of it again? What about those other 2? Where are they?
me: (Southwestern elevator speech) Well, Southwestern is Georgetown, TX, which is a suburb of Austin. And that’s only about a 2-ish hour plane right from home, so getting home on breaks won’t be a big deal. They have a really great pre-health program, too. And it’s walking distance to Georgetown, TX, which was voted the best small town in Texas. You should check it out. Their downtown is adorable. D24 really liked it there when we visited. The school has pretty good diversity, good merit scholarships, and small class sizes, which D24 really likes.
OP: Oh, that sounds interesting! (no longer has grumpy/disgusted look on their face)
…you get the idea. Basically, come up with a couple of talking points, something maybe unique about that given school which the random person your D24 is talking to might not know about that college.
It’s also hard to remember sometimes in the moment, but sometimes when you get a reaction from somebody in this kind of conversation where the reaction is not what you hoped or expected, it’s really saying more about what’s going on in THAT person’s head than it is a judgement toward you.
Also, what I’ve found also important in the ‘elevator speech’ is to sound positive & confident when you’re saying it. If you, the student, are happy/satisfied/confident in your decision, own it. It can be even something simple as “Well, right now, I’m deciding between College A and College B. I’m really satisfied with both of those options. I’m thrilled that I got in and can’t wait to move in this fall!” Usually even just that is enough to put the other person off balance enough that they’ll drop any attitude of “Bleh, why would you want to go THERE?”
And if you DO get a question like “Bleh, why would you want to go THERE?”, then you whip out 1 or 2 interesting facts or reasons and then the other person will shut up.
And then you turn it around and ask them where THEY are going. Or if it’s an adult asking you this and the adult has a kid going into college, ask the adult where their kid is attending and why. And just smile & nod and sound interested even if you don’t really give a rip.
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Nationwide but localized spots. We’ve had no issues.
I agree wholeheartedly with the idea of a concise positioning statement. Especially one that doesn’t especially beg further questions.
But frankly anyone who evinced that sort of disregard for decorum to me or my child wouldn’t get a response from me other than turning around and walking away.
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I am so happy to see people progressing in this process, because D24 is stuck at the moment and I need to see there is a non-train-related light at the end of this tunnel.
She is still considering 5 schools. Each one has something pending right now.
College 1: waiting on honors college decision. It will be out of consideration without this.
College 2: financially we could do it, but it is still TBD whether it would be worth an additional 140k-ish
College 3: scholarship/merit is so late (or maybe there will be none awarded, which would still be useful information). Quit pestering about how the last remaining admitted student event is almost full and housing will be determined by commitment date when you can’t even tell us what the price will be.
College 4: Questions about various aspects of the major at this school, D24 needs to talk to probably the department head and a current upper level student to see if she can sort that out.
College 5: Honors acceptance could come any time in the next 2 months, or not at all.
I am really really hoping that an honors acceptance comes in for college 5 before spring break, because then I could make a stronger case for a couple of visit/revisits over spring break.
This part of the process was supposed to be the fun part, but nothing fun about the stressy emails about housing D24 and I are both getting from the colleges, and nothing fun about potentially ending up in a situation where cuts or a final decision will have to be made without all the relevant information available.
And thank you subconscious for supplying me with The Waiting by Tom Petty on repeat in my head.
I know everything will be OK in the end. (If it’s not OK, it’s not the end, right?)
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Well, technically we know where DS will be attending. However, it’s not where he wants to attend. We knew going in we were going for cheap but good because he would like to go to med school. So he applied to various schools. He loved one school but they really offered nothing to offset the cost. He crossed each school off along the way. So now he’s stuck. He likes the school it’s just too close to home for him he says. I basically gave him the speech…you go and like it, you go and transfer, or gap year. But you can’t apply new places now that are going to offset you cost. So we will see…
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S24 is considering three schools:
School 1: Son was admitted to major. Honors is a separate application and will not be decided until March. He has been offered substantial scholarships but is disappointed that he was not offered the largest scholarship. He is still in the running for several smaller scholarships. School has given us a net price estimate that is doable.
School 2: Son was admitted to FYE and honors. No scholarships. Although son says he is still considering this school, I think it is no longer a contender.
School 3: Son was admitted to FYE and honors. Son was offered a scholarship but needs more to make this school feasible. He has applied for additional scholarships but doesn’t know when the decisions will be announced.
School 3 has extended its deadline. School 1 has not. Son may forfeit his chance at school 1’s NM scholarship because he is not ready to name his number one school. He will visit school 1 in early March and school 3 in late March.
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Hi. S24 is considering 4 schools:
UMD Spring Admit. He wanted Engineering so he’s upset. I signed him up for admitted students day.
UNH Engineering/Honors Program/Merit
SMCM recruited to play sport, interested in physics there
LoyolaMD/Honors/Merit
He is going to all of the admitted student days. Cost not a factor.
Wants a traditional college experience, athletic.
All good choices so he’s still considering them all.
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One thing I would note is if there was an easy solution to ill-informed and unhealthy peer competition, this would be a lot better world once the cure had been spread.
Point being, of course you should do what you can to help moderate it. But if your kid feels some of it anyway, both your kid and you should not feel bad about that.
In this case, this is a particularly bad time in terms of peer competition for college admissions, as people are still finding out, no one really has any idea what any of this will actually mean for them, and so on. But at least when it comes to four-year residential colleges, soon enough most kids will be off on their own individual adventures. And for good or ill, it will be their new peers, and new challenges, that take over.
So, you know, talk about it as the kid may want, explain that their friends are idiots who really know nothing about how the world works, tell them the above about how soon enough their entire world is going to change and none of this will matter . . . and give them hugs and hot chocolate and whatever works for them if they still have some not-so-great feelings.
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All of you with single-digit lists remaining should feel fortunate.
My S24 still has a massive 15-sided die spinning in the air. So, best not thought about too much.
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S24 only applied to 8. Still waiting on a few…
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There is such a thread somewhere!
My memory – say something positive about where you’re going like " I’m off to ABC next year. It has a great program in xyz, and I got a great scholarship, so it was just too good to pass up."
It’s also a reminder to you that yeah, this is awesome!
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I say OWN it. Go online and buy the cutest swag they sell and wear it 5 days a week 
. Most people really do not know much about schools outside their own state. When they ask just look at them and say “because it’s the best!!” And roll your eyes 
.
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I now recall that comment in that thread! That’s the perfect answer.
And @NiceUnparticularMan I can relate. We have two 20-sided die (D20, anyone?) currently spinning. One per droid. A fair amount of overlap between the two, but not complete.
As you observed though, this too shall pass! 5 weeks from today until 3/28, and of course many schools will announce before then.
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I feel as though there might be a different (and perhaps even more a propos thread), but this one has a lot of comments about how people have dealt with others’ reactions to non-prestigious schools.
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Right now S24 has acceptances from UVA and McGill plus a likely letter from W&M. He is planning to withdraw from 3 schools he definitely wouldn’t attend over these acceptances. 5 more to hear from - all reaches. Another 5 weeks to go - when will it be over . . .
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We are with you! Still waiting on 24!! If only UCs would throw us a bone earlier.
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