I’m sorry to hear that about your S.
Thankfully my D has friends outside of her roommates, but I cannot fathom any excuse for this level of gaslighting and passive aggressiveness.
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Totally agree with you. My D22 has four suite mates this year that she knew only very peripherally before moving into the suite. They don’t act like this! They don’t always do stuff together, but if there is a planned group activity, they don’t just leave one person behind – without at least a, “Hey we’re heading out, come meet us at XYZ when you’re ready.”
What the heck.
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I have really tried to be objective and have encouraged D to self reflect to see if there is something she might have done to warrant this kind of treatment (not that anything warrants this kind of treatment) but I can’t make sense of it. D (while never having been uber popular) has always been well regarded, has had friends, been generally liked by her peers and by her teachers…she is kind, thoughtful, intelligent…of all the problems I envisioned, I never envisioned this.
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Hugs to you and your D.
Sounds to me like the sooner your D can get away from these girls the better. Thankfully she has found friendships outside of her room.
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DS is home for fall break for 9 days!!! The first Tri is done and he managed all A’s and 2-3 B’s . At USMMA they take 21 credit hours. The first two tris are known as Plebe killers. He lucked out and didn’t get the bad teachers who fail the majority of the class.
In addition to 21 credits he’s in band, which has practice every morning after breakfast from 7-7:45. And two nights a week, he is on the sailing team which practices daily and about once a week has to stand watch often from midnight to 4am (then up at 5:30 or 6). They have had liberty a few times so has been in to NYC (in dress white uniforms). They just earned the right to speak to each other at dinner. And pick their 2nd tri roommate. Still have to “square” their corners, carry their backpacks in their left hand, can’t speak to each other outside or in hallways, have to wear what they are told and hair has to be a number 2 buzz cut. But he absolutely loves it. So if your kids complain about not having any time, it could be worse 
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Talked my D into trying to change rooms. There’s a process and it might take some time and involvement but she is at least open to it.
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The way they’re treating her—this isn’t normal, right?
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I’m not sure if energy spent trying to parse what has/hasn’t happened with your daughter’s roommates is worth it. None of us are there, and interpersonal relationships are often Rashomon-like in how they are understood and interpreted amongst several people.
For whatever reasons, it hasn’t been a good match since she moved in. Making a change could be really helpful for everyone, especially your daughter.
Hoping she is able to move rooms quickly and easily.
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Can’t second this enough! I would be very tempted to try to parse out everything, but definitely not worth it!
I would have your child ignore them and wait for a new room (if that is what she wants). They aren’t worth her time and energy! Easier said, than done, I know!
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I just wondered if any other parents have unfortunately had their child experience the same thing. But your point is taken.
I think it’s very reasonable to deliberate and wonder about these things in a community like CC; anyone who isn’t into that conversation could scroll on by. I think Been-there-done-that is a precious part of our group! And I’m sorry again for this nonsense for your DD.
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Mine had a roommate that didn’t at all align with their values, though was cordial to them personally. Different issue but also trying…
(My kid overheard roommate saying appalling slurs and hateful things about others)
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It’s very difficult when trust becomes eliminated or eroded.
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100%! My kid did switch rooms and is much better.
It was, in some ways, easier than your kid’s situation, as it wasn’t about my kid personally. They were appalled, but nothing was a personal attack on something they personally did.
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The way your D25’s roommate(s) are treating her is, generally speaking, NOT surprising if you consider that what’s going on is queen bee behavior. Like discussed in the book “Queen Bees and Wannabes.”
I’d love to be able to tell your daughter (and my 2 daughters) that younger queen bees will eventually grow out of the snarky, passive-aggressive, mean-spirited, “be nice to your face but stab you in the back when you’re not looking” behavior when they (the queen bees) grow up, but the harsh reality is that some of them NEVER grow out of it.
And then guess what? You will end up working with people like this in your professional life at some point.
If my daughter was in your kid’s shoes, my advice to her would be this:
- think of how these girls are treating you.
- Is this a group of people that you really want to spend more time with?
- Consider investing your time in other people.
- Branch out and go do things with other people. Work on expanding your network of friends.
- Join a new club or 2.
- Talk to people sitting next to you in class. Sit in the same seat every time. Smile and say hello. Invite somebody to eat lunch or dinner w/you later in the day, or the next day, etc. Do this repeatedly.
- Some people are friends w/you for only a short season of your life. Sometimes, that means only being casual friends for a couple of months at the start of freshman year while you all are finding your way and figuring out where to find “your crew” of people.
- Don’t expect your roommate/suitemate(s) to be your BFFs for the rest of college. Given their behavior toward you, it should probably be clear that perhaps you being friends with them is not the best fit. So focus instead on being able to share the same living space amicably with the other individual(s).
- those girls inviting you to go out with them was great…until it wasn’t. Like when they basically left without you. IF there’s a ‘next time’ that they invite you out with them, make sure that you are communicating clearly. For example, say very plainly & clearly something like, “Hey, thanks for inviting me to go to X later today. I’m going to take a quick shower and should be done in ___ minutes. What time are we leaving later? I want to make sure I’m ready on time.”
- Is it also possible that maybe they assumed that you’d text them when they left w/o you?
Back to your question…is the way they’re treating her ‘normal’? Unfortunately, yes. It happens a lot between girls/females/women. I’ve even run into this behavior in mom groups, believe it or not.
Is the way they’re treating her ok?
NO.
Is there anything you can do about it?
NO.
Should you step in and contact the campus student life dept, etc.?
NO.
What should you do?
- Listen to your daughter.
- Ask her open-ended questions to get her to think through how to navigate the situation.
- Goal is to not fix the problem for her but guide/mentor her through being able to handle it herself. It will be hard for her, but also confidence building.
- Ask your daughter if she just wants you to listen or if she’s looking for suggestions and help.
Hang in there. 
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I’m going to look into that book. Thanks for the detailed reply.
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A pop-culture note: The book Queen Bees and Wannabes was the inspiration for the movie (and later the musical, and then later the movie again) Mean Girls.
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How appropriate!
My D23’s freshman roommate started out fine, they were friendly and had nice conversations, ate together sometimes. Then the roommate got a boyfriend. And spent all her time with the boyfriend and didn’t make any other friends.She started to be not very considerate about when to have him over to their shared room.Getting annoyed when my daughter wanted him out so she could shower and go to bed by 10 on a weeknight. My daughter had a large group of friends and over xmas they planned a “pod” for sophomore year. The roommate asked my daughter if she wanted to room again and she told her no thank you, I have a group of other friends. The roommate quit speaking to her and really only communicated by text, many were passive aggressive. It became really awkward. When my daughter registered for classes this year the old roommate was in one but switched out. When she sees my daughter on campus she literally turns and runs the other way. It was toxic.
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Not normal and I’m glad to hear she is open to moving on. No one deserves that kind of treatment.
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