I’m so happy your daughter has a big group of awesome friends! I don’t know why high school and college students don’t understand that it is a huge mistake to spend all your time with your gf/bf—making plans with and spending time with friends is just SO incredibly important for mental health and well-being.
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Today is S25’s birthday, and I’m a little sad that I don’t get to spend any of it with him. I know we all go through this which is why I’m sharing here. I’ve been through it before since he’s not my first. Still sad. (Not devastated; just a little bummed!)
You may remember that he washed his key fob. I told him the ($800!!) replacement was his gift, but it occurred to me that if he’d done this in May, I wouldn’t have tied it to his birthday, so we’ll send him some money later in the day. I also ordered a cake that his girlfriend will pick up for me. (I sent her plates, napkins, forks, candles and a lighter last week because I doubt that any of them have any of this stuff in their dorm rooms!) Hoping someone sends me pictures!
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Another heartfelt video chat with D25. She tried something new and body doubled at Starbucks in the student union and got a good chunk of her essay done. She then took a couple of walks around campus by herself just getting outside and decompressing for a bit. She is a social person but also not a party girl at all so I am proud of how she is balancing clubs with alone time. We talked about options for work this summer as she needs hands on paid or volunteer hours if she wants to pursue social work.
We talked (again) about the wide range of experiences her fellow freshman friends are having. She was glad that we raised her talking about how going away to college aimed for her to gain independence and learn about herself. She noted how we never framed it as “I hope you stay close to home so us parents won’t miss you” and always more focused on her experience. She said she never felt any guilt or pressure about choosing a college any distance from home.
Meanwhile, S23 has been sending me photos without me begging, actually called me back today, and even updated me that he was cramming for a test, updating his resume and applying for internships, and that he won $500 at poker (sigh). I will focus on the positives more than the negative.
(And my oldest S19 is slowly moving towards applying to some new jobs for more money. Baby steps with that neurodivergent kid.)
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Love hearing updates, even when they are sometimes challenging situations. S25 is in his last full week of the quarter. Hoping he stays motivated this last week, but I know that’s on him. Next week he has finals on Monday and Wednesday and then flies home on Thursday. Crossing my fingers that he can get home with no major issues. Thankfully his connection is at DFW, and we have family just down the road. So ready to have my boy home!
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State of my S25 - currently happy, but who knows how classes are going. He’s living his best social life - last week he went to two different semi-formals, then the Saturday night football game (which they won, which has not been a common occurence this year) and he seems to really be loving the experience.
The grades, though, I’m still worried about. He told me he did better on Test A then on Test B. I congratulated him for improving his study habits, but then said I wasn’t sure how much to congratulate him, not knowing the differential or overall grades… and he told me that he got a 71 vs a 69. Friends, he can’t be getting low Cs and Ds and keep his scholarship. Can we deal with it if he loses the scholarship, yes we can. I’ll be annoyed, because the scholarship is what put this college into the realm of acceptable choices and without it, he should’ve picked a different school, but without it the cost doesn’t go up so high that we can’t pay it, I just didn’t think we should have to. My real worry, though, is how he’s doing in his head. He tends to get so upset and panicky at the last second when he realizes it’s all kind of gone to ■■■■ and he doesn’t see a way out of it. And when that happens he really needs help getting calmed down and getting his head together and plotting a path through. He tends to get so overwhelmed by what has gone wrong, that it’s a struggle to do anything or take any incremental steps to fix it. And I worry that’s happening and he’s not talking to anyone for help. I’ve reminded him about office hours and that professors WANT to talk with you, but he’s always been hesitant to ask teachers for help, so i’m doubtful he’s going. Sigh. I love this kid, but I don’t love worrying about him.
In other news, neither of my children are coming home for Thanksgiving. And my sister and her husband kids have decided to go to her in-laws out of state. So it will be just me, my husband, my crazy sister in law, and my mom for Thanksgiving. I am super dreading it. I’ll miss my boys and sister’s family so much, and SIL drives me so bonkers it’s hard for me to be in the same room with her for long and with fewer people to distract, I’m not sure how I’m going to get through it without snapping and being rude. Sigh. I’ll just start thinking calming thoughts now…
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Oy. Are you obligated to cook for Thanksgiving? In that scenario, I think I’d opt to eat out at some fabulous brunch, and then declare it “movie marathon week” and binge like all three Lord of the Rings movies or something, the extended editions. 
That way you don’t have to interact with the sister-in-law!
I’m sorry the kids won’t be home. 
My D22 has a flight out Tuesday evening of that week, but we’re trying to figure out what she’ll do if it’s cancelled. She could drive the 13 hours – esp with a friend who is on her same flight – but it’s not ideal. But we haven’t seen her since August, so it will suck if she doesn’t make it home.
I feel you on worrying about the grades/internal struggles. I worry about both of my twins for some of the same reasons. Also holding my breath over here to see what happens with S25’s scholarship – no idea what his grades exactly are, but I know they’re not good lol.
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My D is still being horribly mistreated by her roommates/suitemates. It’s so bad that she is asking for therapy sessions. I cannot get anywhere with the dorm director; she literally never answers the phone nor returns emails. I’ve called the Office for Students with Disabilities and was talked down to. The woman there asked for my D’s neurologist’s credentials and asked how many seizures a day my D is having. (The medical standard is zero, so I’m not sure why she’s asking me that, but clearly she has no idea what she’s talking about. When I mentioned prevention she literally said “yeah yeah yeah.”) I’ve called the Housing Office and have gotten nowhere. It should not be this hard to get a room change based on medical issues.
i have been polite, and patient. I am not a “Karen.” My disabled daughter needs help and she is not getting it.
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@OctoberKate –I glanced at your S25’s school’s website and it says that they look at the end of spring semester for the scholarship for the next year. That doesn’t make your points about needing higher than C/D any less true, but if worst case scenario happens this semester, he still can chalk it up to transition and do better the next one. (I’m trying to be hopeful here–feel free to ignore if it isn’t.) Good luck with Thanksgiving! I’m sorry neither boy will be home. I’m hoping D25’s flight is ok; I’m more concerned about the one taking her back, which is the last one of the night for the airline for that route and flies out from an affected airport.
@DivineMarshmallow , I’ve been thinking about your girl and hoping she was doing better and able to switch rooms. So sorry to hear about the challenges you’re having just talking to people!
To all, raising a glass of hope that our time with our kids for Thanksgiving–virtual or in person–makes a good memory for all of us.
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I can’t remember where your child goes, but at most places the title of the person to escalate this to is the Dean of Students. They largely deal with bad behavior on the part of students, but they also exist to advocate for students who are being ill-treated.
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What?!?!
Im so sorry, this sounds incredibly frustrating and non-communicative people are the worst,
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I’m so, so sorry about this. Is your daughter at Baylor? If you haven’t done so already, you might try the university Ombuds to Students: https://studentlife.web.baylor.edu/health-wellness/ombuds-students
I’m not sure how helpful it will be, but maybe they can assist in escalating this.
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Thanks @SpreadsheetMom for the Thanksgiving good luck thoughts! Fortunately (?) my mom is local and still wants to do all the cooking for Thanksgiving. I’m glad it’s not all on me, mostly because I’d have to clean my house. Because lord knows if it WAS all on me, I’d be ordering, not cooking. (Instead, I will be ordering for my S22 who will be with three fraternity brothers in MA - they are getting Whole Foods Thanksgiving for Four plus some extras…) The good news is that it isn’t at my place. The bad news is that my mom has very strict ideas about what needs to happen, in what order and how, and gets very anxious about everything. So there’s a lot of just trying to manage mom. Then in the meantime, SIL is just frustrating and in the way and drives me bonkers because she’s SO weird and challenging. And god that makes me sound like a serious Witch-with-a-B, but she’s exhausting. And my husband deals with it by not engaging. And when I ask for help, he says “just ignore her, I do” which would be fine, except she’s always right in my face talking to me and I can’t just ignore someone talking to me. Sigh.
@illneversaynever - thank you for the research! I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to even look, but it didn’t. That actually DOES make me feel a lot better. So thank you!
@DivineMarshmallow - I don’t even know what to say about the situation for your daughter. This is so upsetting. I know that it doesn’t mean much, but please know that you’ve got a whole cadre of internet friends here rooting for you and her to find a way to get through all of this. Internet hugs to all of you.
In S25 update news, he called me last night on the way home from his lab (more on the call later) before he had to get changed to go to a basketball game. He told me the football game he went to on Saturday was “the best sporting event he’d ever been to in his life” and so much fun. Now, I want college to be about more than just sports, but that whole vibe was something important to him when he was looking, and I’m so glad he’s really taking advantage of the opportunities there and he seems really happy, so I’ll take it.
And as for the call, this boy stinks at remembering to call with any frequency, but when he does, it unfailingly reminds me what a good listener and judge of emotions he is. I have usually really good calls with him when we both end up talking about more than I expected, so that’s good. We talked about registration for Spring Classes, which hopefully he’ll be able to do tomorrow (you are supposed to meet with your advisor first, but he kept forgetting to schedule that. So his registration window is Thursday, but his advisor meeting is Friday. He told me he planned to email her with his proposed schedule and academic plan for the next four years, ask if she would give him the registration code early, and tell her that he was still looking forward to talking with her on Friday about the immediate future and whether he needed to change anything and the next three years after that. Hopefully she gives him the code, I’m already hearing about a lot of classes being waitlisted, and it will be frustrating if he can’t get in to what he needs because of this.)
Anyhoo, then we talked about grades some. It sounds like he only has one C right now (and one very low B) and at least two As, so if he maintains this level, then his GPA will be fine. I’d like him, of course, to pull everything up as much as he can because you never know what’s coming in future semesters, but I’ll take what I can get. He sounded not worried, and in fact energized. So I’ll take that as a win.
He confirmed that he’s going home to his roommate’s family for Thanksgiving. I sent him something to bring to them as a hostess gift - it’s some fancy snacks so lets hope he doesn’t forget and eat them all first. (Entirely likely.)
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OMG, you guys. I did something so moronic it hurts. I ordered a nice canvas print for S25 for Christmas - of the big on the field picture of all the incoming freshman. The school sends out the hi-res image, and so I used that, and put his graduating year on it and it was on sale so I went ahead.
I PUT THE WRONG YEAR. I put “Class of 2030”. I think I thought “oh, he finishes freshman year in 2026, 2026 + 4 = 2030” except that isn’t how you do math.
SMH. Hopefully there will be another sale… because I can’t give him this.
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This very much sounds like something I would do.
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Just dropping in from 2026 to say that my mother sent me a mug a couple of years ago with a picture of my THREE teenage children and below it saying “Papa, Established 2023” as if we had these grown children just that year! It is actually my favorite gift from my mom and I laugh EVERY time I see it! It’s the best!
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Perhaps if you contact the company they will let you order a second/corrected one at the sale price. After all, I imagine they make money even at the lower price.
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Good suggestion - thank you! As it turned out, after I typed this and went back to the website and the coupon I used wasn’t a single use and was good through today. So I still got the sale price (which was the important thing) and only had to pay that price and the shipping again. It was a $35 mistake, but at least not $135 (which is what it would’ve been closer to without the sale).
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Thanks everyone for the support and the suggestions. It’s hard seeing your child so unhappy. I was going to make some phone calls today but was feeling very upset so thought I’d give myself a day to calm down. Despite all this, she likes the school overall—but things need to change and they need to change rapidly.
I don’t know if we are just dealing with incompetent people or if everything they sold the school to be — “we care about your child”— was actually a lie. Some of her friends also have roommates who are less than ideal; the difference for us is my D’s medical condition where lack of sleep and emotional stress can have a huge negative impact on her health.
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Just want to say that while I’m a fan of kids handling their issues at college, this situation has escalated to the point where IMO you are absolutely right to step in. I hope the rooming situation gets sorted out soon so your D can fully enjoy her college experience. Hugs.
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Thank you so much.