There’s no need to tell them, or to not tell them. If it’s natural to do one or the other, go with that, and don’t overthink it.
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D25’s final schedule was not posted until maybe late October/early November too! We got to move the flight from December 20 (which was the dorm move out date) to December 18, but I still got a credit, so I did it and–after 109 days away–she is itching to come home for a break!
D25 is already in finals. She had one Monday, has one on Dec 13, 15, and 17th. I was surprised that they have: two weeks of finals, finals on Saturdays, and finals that start at 7pm!
Edited to add because I’m the Proud Parent of a B average child and never want folks to feel alone about grades: D25 texted me a screenshot of her Calculus’s class grade average for their second midterm: 6.7 out of 20. Lots of kids are getting Ds and Fs.
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This happened to my 29 as well! But for 7th grade art class of all things… the teacher maintained that “he” had not contributed the assigned class food to the art show. Which was bogus - we totally did, but didn’t put our name on it, since who would think that would be connected to a grade?! In art! When pressed about why his grade slipped in art, my 29 said he was told it was because “he” didn’t bring in the assigned food contribution. So ridiculous.
When it comes to your D’s room change, I personally would let her roommates know. She doesn’t need to have a long talk with them about it, but I think it’d be good to say “hey, I am making this change for health and personal reasons. Good luck with the rest of your year.” If nothing else, it could give her a good sense of closure so she can move into the new semester totally fresh.
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I think we’re all in agreement that assigning a grade for bringing in class supplies is ridiculous (and punishes poor kids)?
We’re not that starved for funds at the postsecondary level—yet!—but we also make the kids buy their own books and supplies, so also not optimal, just in a different way.
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Ok, is there a place for me to understand what scholarship money is allowed to be used for? I didn’t realize it couldn’t be used for room/board in an on-campus dorm. According to this website 529 Qualified Expenses: What Can You Use 529 Money For? I could use money from the 529 for the housing, but you’re saying that the scholarship money has different criteria?
I’m taking this for my “learn something new every day” goal!
@OctoberKate agree that having commiseration and hearing how other kids are struggling with the adjustment is so, so helpful. Also, ITA that the policy seems too harsh, though in fairness it was stated up front.
D25 met with the dean of first years today, no word yet on how that went but hopefully helping to formulate a plan to finish late work & get on track to finish the semester.
@DivineMarshmallow so glad your D25 got a single! I agree that she doesn’t owe the roomies an explanation. I like @illneversaynever ‘s strategy of waiting until just before/just after she leaves. And keep it short & simple!
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IRS Pub 970, Tax Benefits for Education, is an excellent resource.
Chapter 1 covers scholarships and chapter 7 covers 529s (Qualified Tuition Programs). To make things confusing, different education tax benefits use different definitions of Qualified Education Expenses. The only benefit that considers room and board to be a QEE is the 529 benefit. See page 6 of Pub 970 for a list of things that are not QEE for scholarships- room and board is first on the list. Now, a student can use scholarship money for a non-qualified expense like room and board, but that would make the scholarship a taxable benefit that would need to be reported on the student’s tax return. To make things even more confusing, note that a taxable scholarship when calculating the standard deduction for a student who can be claimed as a tax dependent is considered to be earned income, which can be very helpful for the student (conversely, a taxable scholarship is treated as unearned income when calculating any kiddie tax owed, if applicable, and this is not a good thing for the student).
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S25 surprised us and came home a day early. He had planned on attending a party last night but decided that since lots of people had already left, it probably wasn’t going to be that great, so he came home. He’s trying to find a cheap flight back to school for their playoff game on the 20th, but I don’t think there are any. We shall see. He’ll be here until the 26th and then will be at his girlfriend’s beach house until New Year’s Day. He goes back on January 19th.
S23 is on a trip with the XC team. He’ll be home on Saturday. He goes back on January 11th.
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My S25 just informed us today that he officially ended the semester with a 4.0!! Our B avg HS kid that couldn’t manage to keep his own calendar less than 6 months ago, got a 98 avg his first semester after exams finished with two poli sci classes, third level Spanish, sociology and freshman writing. Wow. Just wow.
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amazing! congrats!!
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Thanks! Yeah, she knows she is overthinking, but we have gone over various scenarios and she has decided to say as little as possible. She is afraid that if she says anything at all, she will go off on them, and that isn’t really something she wants to do.
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Picked up D25. Sounds like shes ending with a mix of As and Bs. Shes excited about her options for internships and classes sophomore year already. So many opportunities for her! Her school has freshman sign up for fall and spring semester classes all together at orientation so no stress about class choices. Depending on weather we may let her drive her car back for spring.
No clue when s23 is coming home. He has a couple projects to finish first early next week.
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D25 finally made it home last night. She had a 3 hour delay on her connecting flight due to the windshield heater on the plane not working. That was a new one for us!
She had a great first semester, but is very happy to be home! No sharing a room, eating dining hall food, or sharing a bathroom with a bunch of other girls.
It took a little while for her to find her friend group, but thanks to dorm intramural teams she has found some great ones! Grades look to be mostly As with maybe 1 or 2 Bs. She is on the line for a few classes so we will see how it shakes out next week when grades are posted.
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And my baby is back! He had a very late flight last night, then the airline lost his bag. Bag was eventually found, so that’s good. But it did mean we isn’t get home from the airport until around midnight.
So re: the landscape architecture class (the one with the 0 on the final). They had to present on Tuesday and he went to the presentation. The professor still indicated no credit when he spoke to her, but something must have happened - perhaps the presentation was part of the final exam grade? He thought it was just an attendance grade, but somehow he got some partial credit that pulled the D up to a C. So for now he knows one each of B, C, and D (this last one burns - he was two tenths of a point too low for a C and absolutely his own fault). He’s expecting an A and one that’s a toss up, either A or B. Not great, and not really demonstrative of what he could have accomplished, but hopefully a wake up call and hopefully recoverable. If he manages three As and two Bs next term he’ll be fine. If he doesn’t, maybe he takes a summer school class to pull the GPA up. We’ll see. Anyway, he and I had a start of a conversation last night, and we’ll be talking some more tomorrow about what needs to happen and some strategies he can use going forward.
Other stuff he told me - he had this group of several people (him plus 7 others) that were really close at the beginning of the year. Sounds like it’s falling apart a bit. This is normal, but he’s a little bummed. Probably his second favorite person is a girl from Illinois or Indiana or Wisconsin (I forget). She’s going home at the break and not coming back, she’ll be doing community college for the spring semester then hoping to get into UIUC or Indiana or Purdue or Wisconsin for next year as a transfer student. He said she was just really unhappy with how cliquey the girls felt and how much she struggled to fit in and that she and her roommate wouldn’t even be in the room at the same time or speak to each other anymore. The rest of the friend group seems to be struggling a bit based on free time. S25 and his roommate like to go out, occasionally go to parties, occasionally drink. They aren’t big partiers, aren’t in fraternities, but like to go out. Several of the people I. Their group are very religious and not only don’t enjoy those activities, but have actively been telling them they are going to he11 for partying. Some aren’t that strong in their opinions, but because they spend so much free time in bible study or going to multiple times a week church, it’s just hard to get together and S25 isn’t really a part of their lives. He’s doing great with his roommate, they are a really strong pair and so happy together. They are rooming together with another boy next year and are happy about that. But S25 needs to find some activities to participate in to grow his friend group, because otherwise he’s not going to be a happy camper for too long - he’s super social and really gets energy from people. So that’s going to be another assignment for spring - in addition to the academic stuff, what clubs or intramural sports call to him.
Anyway, I’m just so glad to get my guy home. He, of course, promptly went out today to be with some HS buddies and has plans with different ones for tomorrow, but at least I saw him this morning for a bit!
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This is me 100% except instead of S responding “everything is fine” he just says “I don’t know” because he refuses to talk about it. He also needs a 3.0 to retain merit.
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A bit funny to me as my daughter who is in a Christian group at college that meets twice a week refused to go to college in the south because she didn’t think she would vibe there. We are from the midwest and not a church attending family (I’m agnostic, her dad is non practicing Catholic and she has atheist brothers) so the Christian club is new for her. She has met some nice people though by the sounds of it. She does attend dance club once a week and her multicultural group study tables one night a week as well so she is busy.
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My DH is from SC and as you know we both attended Clemson. This sounds very accurate. It can be really tough to break into Southern culture if you aren’t from the South (ask me how I know this, almost 30 years after marrying him)… and the Southern Baptist thing is serious. The legalism (no drinking, no dancing, etc.) plus Bible studies and multiple church services can be very localized and vary widely…but never forget, Bob Jones University is just up the road from Clemson. Interestingly, some of the secular state schools can be more religious than private “Christian” schools like TCU and SMU (for example.)
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Yeah, I think S25 really didn’t understand how it can affect people who aren’t as demonstrative in their religion when you are around a large percentage of people who are. We are Catholic and he has a number of friends in a variety of religions, but more casual services once a week for an hour or so and that’s kind of it.
What I think is frustrating him is the feeling of being judged. He drew a clear line between two of his friends, both very religious who don’t drink as a part of their faith. One of them will still go out with S25 and has an attitude of “this isn’t my thing, and I believe it’s wrong, but it’s not my place to tell you what to believe and I can go with you and let you be you” and the other who is more “this isn’t my thing and I believe it’s wrong, and my belief is so strong that I need to make sure you understand so I can try to save you from yourself because what you are doing makes you a sinner and endangers your soul.” And he gets that the second is how people celebrate their faith, and that it comes from a place of caring about him, but S25 has expressed that he doesn’t feel the same and it’s not dropping.
When talking about the different role of faith and presence on campus at Clemson before he went to school there, I don’t think S25 had an understanding of all of this. He sort of waved it away with “I’m good with people of every faith, why would it bother me?” I don’t think he thought about how different faith practices can affect culture and vibe.
Anyhoo, I reminded him that these are just his first friends, not his only friends. That most people who make friends that first week of school (these were all from the first day) stick with some and grow apart from others and that’s ok. If these are more of “say hey when you see them on campus and eat with them occasionally” friends rather than the besties that you hang out with all the time, that’s ok.
One of his friends (we’ll call him Bill) is having a hard time with his roommate (will call him Jim), another one of their friend group. To the point where they want nothing to do with Jim and he doesn’t know how to handle it. Backstory - Bill has Asperger’s. He’s functional but quirky, occasionally a little odd. But he tells everyone about the Asperger’s and asks for patience. Roommate Jim will say to him “why are you so weird, what’s wrong with you” and call him the R word, often. Apparently at first it was just in the privacy of their room, but it’s moved to in public and calling him the R word in an effort to get other people to join in on the teasing. Now, I swear like a sailor and it doesn’t bother me, but there are three words that are so offensive to me that they are absolutely not ok and this is one of them. S25 is much the same. He’s asked Bill to reach out the the RA and showed him the form to fill out for roommate communication problems, but Bill doesn’t think it will help and doesn’t want to make it more of a thing. For next year S25, his current roommate, and Bill will be living off campus and they’ve made it clear that it’s a three person only apartment (Jim asked to join them, they said no). But S25 is wondering how to support Bill through the spring semester. I have no great words other than just invite him to hang with you more often and spend time in your room.
I feel like this is a lot of negative stuff and I don’t mean it to feel like it’s all a lot of yuck people, it’s not that at all. Overall he’s really happy at school, people are friendly and welcoming and he’s having a great time. I think he’s just surprised because he’s never really run into situations like either of these - neither the people who are more likely to be so involved in their faith nor people who are so overt about bullying people with differences, and to run into both I his little circle of eight initial friends is surprising to him.
So in addition to the whole “need to slay the grades” thing next semester, he also needs to work on expanding his friend group. He hasn’t really joined any clubs or activities, which I’m encouraging him to do. He’s a very social guy who really recharges his battery by being with people (I am the opposite of this). Unfortunately the girl who is transferring out is probably his second best friend, then there’s his roommate, and Bill. Everyone else has either faded into other activities or just isn’t who he wants to be with anymore.
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S25 has exams at MIT up until December 19–won’t get home until the 20th. And, he only has two weeks at home because he’s joined a research project in neuroscience back at campus. Wish I could have more time with him. On the good news front, he tells me that his grades are all As (possibly one B), which is not easy to achieve at his school. Of course, it doesn’t really matter, because MIT has a Pass/No Record policy for the first semester, which means that only he sees his first term grades. As for me, I’m in a grading frenzy (college profs here know what I mean. . .) and am looking forward to being done.
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I’d probably wait until the last day of the semester/exams to say something.