I called the assistant band director (the only person I had a number for). I got 2 sentences in when she ran to get one of the band directors. While the percussion director had gotten involved, he had not notified the band director. The director took it quite seriously and spoke of honor code violations and Title IX violations. He said that if unchecked this kind of thing usually escalates and gets worse for the young women involved.
My daughter is a bit upset with me because she said it was âhandled.â She is the kind who doesnât like to make a fuss or call attention to herself. She thinks I am overreacting. I think she is under reacting. If anything, the fact that she went to someone to tell them about it means it was pretty bad, probably worse than she let on.
I also got her faculty advisor involved because someone needs to make sure she is okay emotionally.
I never want to be âthat mom.â But if nothing else, I want to prevent the same thing from happening to another young woman.
I donât know exactly what happened, but speaking as an academic, thank you for making sure it got taken care of. Thereâs been a historical issue with harassment at universities, and we need to kill it dead.
S23 leaves today for the 12 hr drive to Syra Cuse solo for the first time. This ER nurse mom worries.
And out of the blue, our neighbor messages me today asking if we would consider taking in a 17 year old (but only hs sophomore) as a foster. They are fostering her 3 younger siblings and the house she is at is no longer the best fit (another child acting out violently). Am told the 17 yo has no behavioral issues and is just depressed after her mothers sudden death and her father losing custody. They believe literally being walking distance to her younger siblings would be a huge stress reliever for this kid.
While I understand why the neighbor reached out to us (proximity, us having empty bedroom, and me having adopted before), this is a huge decision that we canât rush into.
We have 2 empty bedrooms and a finished basement with carpet/couch/tv, etc that the boys have used when they come home. We likely wonât take her in as it is a huge commitment Im not sure we are ready for. But for space, D25âs room would be untouched as it is still totally hers and will be unchanged when she comes back on breaks. S23âs âroomâ is the one âopenâ as he is considering out of state summer internship for next year. He also stays at his dadâs house or overnight at friends on and off all summer and isnât here much.
Lesson for today: Wear a college shirt when traveling to/from school. We met a family with another incoming freshman because I was wearing a school shirt.Then our connecting flight was full of even more freshman families. So fun!
S25 is all moved in. With over 5000 freshman moving in over 2 days I was expecting semi-organized chaos, but it went so smoothly and quickly. Minimal waiting for check-in and none to drop off belongings. The school had created these extra large rolling bins so only needed 1 trip. Overall it was less than 1.5 hours. He didnât have too much and looked like none of the roommates had extra decor either. Lots of blue, grey and black colors.
They have a couple of freshmen activities and RA meeting this weekend before classes start on Monday.
I say this often sometimes you need an âadultier adult.â This was one of those times. I hope your child is coping with the unfortunate event they ended up in!
Moved my S24 in this week to Cal. He was on a gap year so was extremely ready to start. For a giant UC (H and I went to UCs) it was surprisingly easy and no hassle! Heâs at Clark Kerr campus and has a double which is very nice. Lots of greenery around. He says the food isnât great (we cook and heâs a foodie) but is having a fabulous time so far. Five packed days and evenings of orientation activities (even in and around the bay) and then classes start on Wednesday. Heâs a joiner and made friends 5 minutes in.
Parent orientation was the day after move-in and was again surprisingly informative and personal which made the school feel much smaller than it is. They started out with us all closing our eyes and grounding and said take a breath, your kid made it, you made it, great job. I usually think those things are corny but found myself getting a bit emotional. I appreciated the moment of calm and reflection and appreciation for all the hard work it was to get to this point. They seem to work very hard at being welcoming and putting parentsâ minds at ease. There was a lot of âyour kids got thisâ âtime to step awayâ but âwe have tons of resources and support to help them if they, inevitably falter or make mistakes. And here it all is, so you can tell your kid if they ask.â
All in all it was a successful transition so far and Iâm super excited for him to be taking this leap.
And as I was walking down my street this afternoon, proudly wearing my Cal Mom cap a random dude called out âGo Bears!â Which was funny to me and made me laugh as I didnât know what to say in response and just said âthanks!â
We are doing surprisingly well after dropping off S25, our only kid. I almost teared up several times today, but not for the reason I thought I would. Everything just felt right. He was just so happy. He and his roommate had been messaging quite a bit the last few weeks. They seemed like old friends even though they had never met and they were just put together by housing. The dorm is great. Everyone is just so nice. This is not where we thought he would end up when we started this journey. Our initial visit junior year was fine, but it wasnât high on the list. It rose on his list senior year, but was 4th. There were dark times after rejections from a couple of highly rejective schools and he was down to this one and #3. I am very grateful for this group helping me through that time. It all clicked on the acceptance students day and I truly believe this is where he was always meant to be. I know there will bumps for him and I will feel like I am missing a limb when I wake up tomorrow and he isnât here, but I am just so happy he is happy and excited. He was so done with high school and never loved the social scene there. Finding his people and place is all I have wanted for him so relief and excitement are overshadowing my sadness for now. Thinking of you all as our kids navigate this big change.
Iâm not sure how much Iâve updated. D25 got her dorm assignment 2 weeks ago. Thankfully, she got her requested room type and roommate.
This is our last night at home as a family of 4. D25 is mascara-smudged weepy all day. She sat in the backyard with the dog for at least an hour. I tried not to cry when she and D30 hugged goodnight before D30âs bedtime.
Luckily, this week has been a revolving door of goodbyes with friends. The last one is tomorrowâwe stop at the BFFâs house on the way to the airport for one last hug! Iâm so weepy for my kiddo, but on the other hand, grateful that she has good friends that will miss her.
I had that same moment yesterday. We dropped D25 off Sunday and S23 left yesterday (older S19 has been off adulting and figuring himself out since hs graduation and lives 3 hours away).
I have been sending more memes and videos in the group chat with the kids and I apologized and asked them to bear with their menopausal mom for a couple of weeks as I adjust to empty nesting. The oldest messaged back âyou got this momâ and I just thought it was so sweet. S19 was my special ed kid who has had lots of challenges but he is stable and slowly maturing which is great. My other son, the first 2 years of college were also challenging for S23 as he figured out his adhd and EF issues but he seems to be in a much better place mentally. S23 had been giving D25 tips for her first week of college that included âact like momâ and I was touched by that because in the past the kids always made fun of me for talking to strangers and just being nice. It was a huge acknowledgment and compliment from S23.
Then last night D25 video called and she is genuinely good. Her college has had scheduled programming from 8am-10pm every day this week and while she is exhausted, she is meeting lots of people. She feels bad for some of her friends at other schools because they havent gotten out there much yet and are feeling more isolated. The roommate she met through room sync is going great so far. They are both chill and respectful of the others time and space. Classes start Monday but she is feeling really good about her choice in school so that reduces this momâs anxiety a ton!
I spent pretty much most of their school years a bit sad and anxious because they were stuck in a horrible divorce situation with a mentally ill stepparent (and a parent who let it all happen). I tried my best to support them emotionally but not physically having the kids every day made it more difficult. That stepparent is now out of their lives permanently and they are all trying to navigate a new relationship with a parent who was neglectful of their mental health and emotional needs for their entire lives. I privately see some of the reposts D25 makes on social media with videos saying how she wished her father would have put his kids first over a woman and it breaks my heart but I know this is a step in my daughters healing process. She has acknowledged the wound and scars it caused.
I feel my boys are starting to see me more positively as a parent now versus just parroting anger and irritations from the other home. My daughter is becoming more brave and finding her own voice as well. I sit here today tearful not because my kids are gone but because I feel that just maybe I didnât totally screw their lives up. That despite 13 years of hell including cops and lawyers and social workers that my kids might just be okay. They are growing into the adults they are meant to be. Iâm crying because I am realizing I was not and am not a â â â â â â mom. Tears because I no longer think that my kids feel that I am a crap mom. I know that sounds silly to most people but the stress of the past decade just let go. I was literally asked by a stranger at dinner last night how have I learned to forgive and forget. Now I am not a huge Swiftie but words she said years ago always stuck with me. That you donât have to forgive and forget, you just need to move on. And that is what I chose to do. Seeing my kids adulting and happy was always my goal and its happening. They have always been my focus and maybe, just maybe I didnât totally mess up.
Just so much love to you. I know thatâs weird from a rando on the internet, but you can feel how much youâve dealt with over the years and the love you have for your kids and Iâm just so happy that things are feeling good and strong and healing.
S25 has not been communicative at all. I know he needs space and never expected much, but he needed prompting to give proof of life. He has never been a kid who has shared the details of his day. Please tell me this is in the range of normal. We are catastrophizers, so I am picturing him never talking to us again. I am not worried something is wrong, because I did resort to checking Life360 to make sure he wasnât just sitting in his room. He has been super busy so I suspect he is just having the time of his life, which makes me happy. But I have friends whose kids are sending pictures and facetiming regularly so it makes me question it all. Thanks.
The first weeks of college can be crazy busy so donât worry! But, I also think itâs totally reasonable to say âI need to talk to you X/weekâ or get x number of texts.
We started sharing our NYT puzzles as a family when our D was in school. It was the first thing we all did in the mornings and it was a good proof of life. I also sent dog pics to my D and those almost always got a thumbs up or a heart ; ). I also stalked the schoolâs orientation pictures on the parent page since I wasnât getting any photos from her directly.
I would say by week 4, she got better about checking in for real and I got more regular updates. She just needed to get in the groove.
Big hugs! Itâs a hard transition for us parents!
I use Life360 like Fight Club, we donât talk about it. I donât need âproof of lifeâ communication as I can see them moving around appropriately. D25 has answered a few questions via texting and she asked for her first video call (which was the first phone call) late Friday night to see her dog after moving in Sunday. S23 drove 12 hrs driving just before the major tour bus crash in NY on Friday and has yet to even respond to any of my texts and the 2 phone calls. I called him because I wanted him to know I was serious that he needed to mail back my headphones he forgot in his gym bag that he took with him. Its his first year at the frat house and I know this was a huge party weekend so hopefully I get my stuff back, eventually.
Thank you. This is what we needed to hear. That is how we are using Life360. I donât always plan to check, but so helpful in this transition. It will allow me to back off more. It is creepily precise, which really helps. This is the kid who didnât do much socializing outside of our house so I was thrilled to see him all over campus and hanging out in other dorms and going to all the events. I know this is what we wanted for him but I started to spiral a bit.
Edited to add: I am expecting the dog will be our ticket to communication.
Our S25 moved in on the 16th for band camp. Move in day was as easy as could be as we were the only ones there, besides the RA that dropped by for a minute. His dorm is so much nicer than mine was. Hard to know that my kid who never went to a high school party has been out at parties all week; although he says âits band parties, itâs not like a fratâ. First day of class is tomorrow, and of course he has an 8:30 chem class three days a week, and bio lab at 8:00 once a week. For a kid with ADHD that struggles falling to sleep or waking up, I hope he can figure it out. I so want to text him in the morning to ensure he is up, but Iâll do my best to resist.
It was sad to leave him, but the house is so less tense and stressful. This last year+ was a constant headbutting. It was definitely time for him to go off on his own.
Everyone is different, and I am in the camp of âno news is good newsâ. I have spent so many years micro-managing S25âs life that I made a promise to myself to give him space to show him that I have full confidence in him that he can take care of himself. We agreed on a weekly check in.
We donât have Life360 and S25 has his phone location off. He is living life like I did back in the 80s and itâs going to be alright.
I will still send the silly dog pics and such so he can feel connected, even if he doesnât respond.