Believe me, I hear all of you. I think my words were once again misinterpreted - of course the primary goal of college is to obtain a degree at the end of it. I never said that it wasn’t. Of course I would promise my parents that I would at least do well and not get off track and at the very least maintain my current B average. But I definitely am looking for the perfect balance between doing well academically and a great social life. Though maybe UNCW is the best place to obtain that perfect balance I’m looking for, and maybe a transfer to Temple wouldn’t solve everything…decisions to make for sure. I do think my current sour morale is only temporary, and that therapy will definitely help to cure any afflictions I have. Still learning about myself, including why I am the way I am…
Speaking of doing well in school, the good grades continue to roll in for my US History class - 90 on the first exam!! Definitely does settle my nerves a little bit now WRT to recent events/feelings.
@lookingforward Why should you be astounded? If parents are footing the bill (and even if not), shouldn’t they require some accountability of the student?
Please don’t say “Drop the requirement so that I can enjoy myself”. Because they’ll hear “stop expecting me to do well academically, I’m at college to have fun”. Which will not turn out well, even if that’s not what you mean.
You could word it as your version of "this is putting too much stress on me and I now focus on this sword of Damocles rather than on learning, it is counterproductive. Can we agree that I’ll do my best in every class, I’ll take a tutor, only go to office hours, and I’ll keep you updated, but without the GPA requirement? "
@MYOS1634 ooh, word. Crucial advice there. I was wondering how to properly phrase that, was definitely going to wait until the crappy feeling subsided a little bit to say anything. I certainly don’t plan on saying that I can’t actually reach that at the end of the year. I don’t think I’ll expound on the idea of transferring, though. Because that would give them fuel to force me out. Which is the least desirable option.
You have a recurring theme in almost all of of your posts that involves looking for " perfect " school, fraternity , balance of academics and fun, social activities . There is no " perfect" . You will not find it no matter where you end up because it is something that needs to come internally . External factors will not bring true happiness and growth, internal factors will. It is wonderful that you are participating in therapy. Realize that therapy typically is not a short process where one finds all of the answers in a few sessions. It takes time and work . That’s where your emphasis should be right now , not looking to transfer or joining a lot of clubs. Once you work on the issues , the rest will come IMO.
Have you ever heard of the saying that goes something like this?
“The problem is every time I move, there I am.”
Transferring to another university is not going to solve your social concerns.
Re: girls not accepting your Facebook friend requests, something to consider is sometimes people choose to only ‘friend’ people on social media after they’ve gotten to know them a lot better. Some girls ignoring you on social media might have more to do with them than it has to do with you.
I think the suggestion to learn ballroom dancing is a good one. You don’t necessarily have to take expensive ballroom dancing classes. Look at classes on campus through something like a Physical Activities department. Then once you’ve learned the basics, go and find out if there’s a ballroom dancing club on campus and join that. Most men have no idea how to ballroom dance, but most women would love to dance with a guy who knows how. It’s a very valuable skill to have when it comes to the art of woo’ing a girl.
We all face obstacles in life, social or otherwise. It’s how we handle them that matters. Tackling and overcoming them builds character, confidence, and gains the respect of others in the process.
Your posts would always put a smile on my face because your love for your college was infectious. I kept thinking . . . . they need to hire this guy as a recruiter! So I’ve been surprised by your recent posts about transferring. The only thing I can see that changed was this fraternity situation which has dredged up past insecurities.
One great thing (of many) you have going for you is your willingness to work on whatever issues you may have. People here brought up seeking counseling and you instantly jumped into it without the usual hesitation and excuses we often see. I was really impressed by this. With additional counseling, you may find this reputation you think you have is much bigger in your mind than it is in reality. Think about it logically. Unless you are a star NCAA athlete or did something to make the headline news, it’s difficult to see how anyone going to a university with 15K students can have a reputation outside a relatively small circle of people. Don’t miss seeing the forest for the trees. Look at how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown, focus on that and be proud of yourself.
My biggest fear for you is that you’ll bring up transferring to your parents and any sympathy they have for allowing you to stay where you are will be out the window, although it sounds like you’ve already figured that out. Or, your parents pull the plug due to not meeting their GPA expectations and you realize you could have stayed if you’d dug in and worked harder. You were certain you could improve your GPA while pledging. Imagine what you can do now that you’re not pledging.
Like you (before the last few weeks) I loved my undergrad experience. I did not have the parental pressures you have, but I had an irrational fear that something was going to happen to ruin it all. Maybe I’d hit a wall and fail all my classes, or get some serious illness, or get hit by a bus. Of course I couldn’t control a runaway bus but I kept telling myself failure was not an option and that nothing I did have control over was going to stop me from achieving my goals, and I still enjoyed a healthy social life while doing well enough to go on to grad school. It took prioritizing, good time management, usually locking myself in the library for the entire week before finals, and I pulled a few all-nighters, but I did it.
I have no reason to believe you can’t do it, too. Look at how much better you’re doing where you are than you did in HS. Now you’re in the home stretch of your 2nd year of college and doing even better. No sophomore slump for you. You’re still picking up steam. But please forget any thoughts of transferring and put all your focus on making the most of where you are and where you’ve thrived both socially and academically. You have 2 more years there after this. Imagine how much more growth you can achieve in that time. It boggles the mind!
Just a thought - may have been mentioned by a another poster. Perhaps act “as if” you are transferring and contact Rutger’s. Collect the data: e.g. ask them to review your transcript, and advise you as to how long it would take you to complete the program. Crunch the numbers, and present them to your parents. Staying at my current school will cost our family XXX. Moving to Rutger’s will cost XXX. I would prefer to stay at my current school because of ABC (short and mature) but I am prepared to shoulder the difference in cost to stay, given that I did not meet the 3.5 requirement. My guess is that the less emotional you are, and the more numbers you have behind you, the better chance of success. No drama, llama - will not serve you! What you are teaching them is that you are prepared to accept responsibility for following through with the agreement you made. You have presented evidence as to how your current school will meet your mutual goal to go to business school more effectively. If they want to stand by the original agreement, then you pay the difference WITHOUT complaint. Business school negotiation!
MYOS and OP, but not “I will,” the same promises we see kids write in their defense letters, when they’re on probation or worse, when it’s already late.
What carries weight is “I am.” I am going to tutoring, office hours, I have taken leave from the clubs," etc. My grades in xx and yy are now higher than last semester. And truthfully.
And results speak even louder. No excuses. I’m not even sure what 250 posts accomplish vs what hunkering down would. They, too, are a distraction. We can’t provide the positive reinforcement that digging in would. I’m not even sure it’s fair to you that all this sympathy takes away from the work.
@carolinamom2boys I guess more proper wording would’ve been, “best fit”? I agree with your comment.
@tucsonmom I agree with you as well, might even become more awkward after breaking a routine and trying to start all over again, trying to find new ways to fit in with new people, etc.
I think the FB thing just kinda weirds me out a little bit, particularly when they have 60+ mutual friends (I consider that a lot for a 15k campus with so many different groups). Especially when girls with less mutual friends (say like 10-40) who haven’t met me before end up accepting.
But, whatever. Overthinking that.
I really do like the idea of ballroom dancing, I honestly think it’s a great idea. I just have to find somewhere on campus that does it! I already took a PED class (beginning swimming) this time last year.
@1Dreamer wow, thank you so much for your comment! It really means a lot! Your third paragraph hopefully will go a long way to killing this thought of a “reputation” I have in my head (though tbf one of my closest friends uses that term with me a lot). I will say that YikYak only exacerbates social anxiety. God, I despise that stupid app. One of the worst ideas ever, really sad! Lol.
@shoot4moon, I believe that @mamaedefamilia mentioned it several pages ago. I don’t think it’s at all a bad idea. If it’s actually possible for them to review my transcript without having to actually apply, I’ll go through with it.
FWIW, my academic advisor (who was also my first-year seminar instructor a year and a half ago) says I’m one of his favorite students for how effectively I communicate and how I’m not afraid to speak my mind and be honest. Think that’s all the approval I really need tbh. I have more of a concrete feeling that everything will work out where I’m meant to be…which I honestly think is right here at UNCW!
I thought FB was “not cool” anymore now that all the moms and grandma’s are on it? I’d delete the account if I were you. It breeds gossip and time waste.
Don’t transfer, your problems will follow you. Study and shoot for an A, not Bs.
@sunnyschool yeah, that’s true I guess. I never thought of that. Also personally think it’s weird when Instagram followers deny me lol. But yes, I shouldn’t.
@suzyQ7 I did just get back on after having deactivated it for a week. Can’t understand for the life of me why someone would have their grandparents on FB (then again, I don’t even have my parents on mine).
Grandparents like to see photos of their grandchildren on FB.
Seriosuly, @LBad96 - you need to stop hyper focusing on all this and STUDY. Perhaps people think you are socially awkward - but you don’t want them to think you are some sort of stalker. That is another reason why you need to shift priorities. When you have your ducks in a row, and are doing well in school and things that interest you, you will naturally attract friends that have similar interests. Just relax, focus on the studies, and stop trying so hard socially. It is OK to study on a Friday or Saturday night or to stay home and watch TV. You need to learn to be comfortable with yourself and your priorities.
HI @LBad96 I have to admit I am confused by all your posts. I get you want to do well in school, enjoy yourself, and have some great friends. What I don’t understand is why being “extroverted” is keeping you away from this. I do not expect you to divulge your past experiences as I think it is too personal to share here. Because of that I think our value here is very limited and you will need to discuss all this with a counselor for the emotional side, your parents for the financial side, and the academic advisor for the schooling side. We can offer you tips on different schools and things but the reality is you are the one attending the school, studying, and interacting. Until you get a handle on your emotional end, I do not think the school setting is going to change things much. I believe kids are not all that different from one HS to the next or one college to the next. There are clicks everywhere you go. Only when you find your place within this structure will you have harmony. The 3.5GPA is not a strange, unusual, or unreasonable requirement. You too have to take the blame for not reaching it. I get you might not be able to, but you need to recognize it and move on to a school where you can achieve such a GPA. College is hard. No shame is admitting that you are not cut out for UNC. Not everyone can be a valedictorian. Those that fell short just need to get over it and move on.
You can definable work thru all these issues. Just give it some time and remember that leaving UNC is not the end of your journey. You will find a school you can thrive at and become very successful. Your parents have your best interests at heart. Consult with them and reach an agreement. Going at it alone without your family unit help is usually not a successful approach. Many runaways find this out the hard way.
Best of luck with you. The mere fact your here searching and reaching out for help tells me you have the drive to succeed. Do not let your leaving UNC define you. Leave that for your future endeavors.
@sunnyschool Yeah, my bad. Said too much about that in here. I’m doing well here for sure, I just tend to worry too much about little stuff. That’s the life of someone with anxiety.
@MassDaD68 You kinda misunderstood. Being extroverted isn’t the problem. Yeah, I get that what I’m saying is pretty personal, but it’s not like anyone can identify me here lol.
The 3.5 is strange, unusual, and unreasonable because of my failure to even reach a 3.0 in high school. I get that you’re a huge advocate for northerners to be content with attending their state flagships, but I don’t know why you feel the need to advocate for me leaving my school to go back home to NJ when I’ve explicitly stated numerous times on this thread that such a move would kill my ego and ruin my entire college career on the spot. And honestly, I am insulted when you say that a 3.15 as opposed to a 3.5 means I’m “not cut out” for UNCW. We’re good, 4 stars out of 5 (equal to the likes of UMass and Rutgers in terms of undergrad FWIW), but we’re not 5-star Chapel Hill or UVA lol. It truthfully is not that difficult to get a decent to good GPA here.
Lbad - i have a S about your age. I just want to encourage you with a few things and to look at the big picture. That is to get your degree with a decent GPA, get a real job, and start to find what you like to do with your time and money. When you form hobbies and interests, you’ll find people like you, and also will be of interest to others. You need a real job for certain interests because they cost.
My kid is not a guy’s guy; doesnt have a large social network, and even though he joined a fraternity he’s found that it too has cliques and is not always the answer to his social needs. We encourage him all the time to develop hobbies - stay away from social media – and to keep working on that degree as his main focus. Things will come together in time.
We’ve thought alot about this because of my sister, who has a big network of supportive friends all made through her unusual (extreme) interests and hobbies. She’s so happy! And she’s very interesting to others as she tells her tales. I guess i just want to say to keep your focus, work HARD, and find things YOU like to do.
It would help you, Lbad, if you would just get down to work, forget all the explaining. It is NOT " strange, unusual, and unreasonable" for your parents to expect better than you did in hs. You’re not in high school now, you went off to an OOS college, and it’s not free.
You could do all the social exploring with some sweet, cheery job, no tuition, no class requirements. College is an expensive was to “find yourself.” You shouldn’t be spending this much time on CC or FB, looking for a venue to vent and get strokes.
People are attracted to the right sorts and combo of earned self esteem, humility, compassion and more. Getting someone to listen and nod, bolster your ego can be a short term fix. That’s not the sort of connection people are drawn to, longer term. And not what you want. Unload to the counselor, aim to grow.
If you’r serious, get down to work. No “ifs” or “word.” Prove to yourself you can buckle down. Build the self esteem in real ways, the life lessons.
